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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that family members who are still renting in their late 40s are making a big mistake?

154 replies

nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:06

I know this is ultimately not really my business, however, I am worried for them. Also worried about the impact on the wider family, including their parents (in their 70s) if they require financial support as they get older. This is a family of 5. One of the adults works for a decent, but not spectacular, salary (£30,000 ish) and the other doesn't having resigned and spent about a year half-heartedly looking for jobs. There will be some pension provision but the currently working adult had a career gap of over 10 years. The youngest child is over 17 and the oldest early 20s and all at various stages of doing courses (not particularly respected and in not a particularly motivated way) or nothing, none is independent and all living at home. The family has been renting for about 15 years having sold their first home for not much and it was not mortgage free. I think they did this because of an idea that they could clean up when the property bubble burst. The rest of the family thinks any money from the sale has nearly spent. The rent is quite expensive, probably more than they would have paid on a mortgage all this time. Is there something I'm missing or is this a recipe for a very difficult retirement? The family have no security. The children, although young enough to put things right, at the moment, are following their parents' rather aimless approach to careers and financial security. The rest of the family seem reluctant to discuss the situation or offer advice.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 13/05/2018 08:24

Sounds like lots of families really.
You do seem over invested in pointing out to them where they went wrong.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:25

Right, I get that some people think it's alright not to make plans so that you can be independent in retirement and support your children but I do think you should do this, mainly because I think people like to be in a position to take care of themselves and not rely on whatever the state can offer, which is not likely to be the best quality accommodation/care etc.

Just to be clear, this is not a family who have tried to do this but struggled, they have chosen not to work, to sell their house and to spend the savings. Their children also seem to be making similar choices: to spend all money they have and more besides without planning to earn more.

I also don't think that my elderly ILs should have to financially support their children when they are in the 70s and the children are in their late 40s.

OP posts:
MissCharleyP · 13/05/2018 08:25

. JenBarber* I meant

StormcloakNord · 13/05/2018 08:26

You do sound a bit judgey rather than actual concerned. If you are concerned though, I get it.

I haven't said anything to her as it's none of my business and she's still young but she's done a similar thing and it's worrying. She outright owned a house and she's sold it, moved into renting and is trying to set up a niche business. I hope with everything it succeeds but I worry she won't get back on the property market.

jimijack · 13/05/2018 08:27

My honest conversation with you right now would be do you think you are wise and superior all of the time, do you think this helps any one? Why don't you take care of your own?
It doesn't help any one, it just makes them dislike you, alienates them from you and makes them not want anything to do with you because you are just judging them.

NewYearNewMe18 · 13/05/2018 08:28

Is this a sibling and you're worried they will drain your parents? (or aunt/uncle draining your GPs?)

Tiddlywinks63 · 13/05/2018 08:28

MYOBB
Absolutely nothing to do with you how others choose to live. You sound very judgmental and nosey.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:28

ihate, it's not about pointing out where they went wrong, it's about helping them to sort out their futures. I think they have and are continuing to make poor choices and I think they are all quite immature and irresponsible in their outlook. Thing is if nobody ever asks them what their thinking is then there's nothing to stop them continuing in this way.

MissCharley, it's not lack of jobs that's the problem. It's that one of them gave up his job and didn't bother looking for another. The middle child has never looked for a job in the first place, since dropping out of college with no qualifications.

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 13/05/2018 08:28

Not sure what you want here. Actually I do, you want lots of people to agree with you and stroke your self satisfaction.
Beyond fretting about them and feeling smug what can you offer in the way of help?
I have a cannabis smoking relative who moves her family (including 4 kids and her 76 year old mum) every 6 months because she thinks the FBI are after them.
I wring my hands about them, fret and dream about them and yes, feel smug that I haven’t made such terrible choices. But I don’t need public validation in that and I wonder why you do.

NewYearNewMe18 · 13/05/2018 08:29

TBH with you OP, my DB is much the same, he's now in state funded sheltered accommodation. I certainly don't subsidise him in any way. So you may be worrying unnecessarily.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:29

MYOBB, do you honestly think I have no right to be concerned about family members? Personally, I think that's a more unusual (and slightly selfish) view than mine.

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 13/05/2018 08:29

Judgement not in any way disguised as concern. Concentrate on your own life, op, and let your extended family get on with theirs.

ArtBrut · 13/05/2018 08:29

So basically, you want a time machine in order to make your family members go back and make different financial decisions? Because that’s what it would require.

Cornishclio · 13/05/2018 08:30

I think this is a problem which will affect many people in retirement but sadly some people don't think that far enough ahead. Yes, it doesn't help that one of the family doesn't work and that they have a large family. You also don't know if they had or have large debts meaning they can't get a mortgage or if there is some underlying health reason why the non worker can't work like CFS or depression/anxiety. Those who excuse it though with the reason that childcare is expensive are being ridiculous considering the age of the children now. It could equally be laziness and lack of motivation too which does not set a great example for the kids if that is the reason.

YANBU to think they should have addressed this years ago but ultimately it is no ones business but theirs and they have to live with the consequences of what I consider to be poor judgement too. In most areas of the country a mortgage is cheaper than rent. I think they have left it too late though considering their age. They won't get a mortgage to go past 70 so if they are 50 any mortgage would have to be over 20 years or less which will mean high and probably unaffordable repayments. As to the lack of pension provision that again is common and the misguided approach that the state will provide are living in cloud cuckoo land.

No ones business but theirs though.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:31

Actually, I'm quite amazed by how judgemental and uncaring some of you sound.

Why is it wrong for me to be concerned about my family?

Why on earth does it make me smug to spend time thinking about others and how I can help them?

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 13/05/2018 08:31

So you’d like to mentor the children perhaps? That might be actually useful but isn’t how your OP came across at all.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:32

Thanks for your much more measured response cornish.

Is that true that they simply wouldn't get a mortgage now?

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 13/05/2018 08:32

You’re getting these responses because of how your OP was written.

Fairylea · 13/05/2018 08:33

It’s not selfish to be concerned about family, of course it isn’t. But these are people who seem to be happy with their choices, valid choices that many other people make all the time. They’re not asking for your help or advice. That’s why you need to step back and let them get on with it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/05/2018 08:33

Yanbu to worry about them. It’s a worrying situation. And if you care about them, then you won’t be able to help it.

However as there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, and they add all adults making they’re own decisions, there’s little point in worrying so much.

A lot of people are going to be in the same position unfortunately.

Unfinishedkitchen · 13/05/2018 08:34

It’s really none of your business unless they’ve asked if they can move in with you when they retire.

Nevertheless I can understand you being Hmm at their choices as they don’t seem logical. I know of a couple with three kids who sold a house and rented. The dad quit work looking for the ‘right opportunity’ for a while - it never happened so he’s back in his old job. The mum pushed to privately educate the older two through primary and gave up work to home tutor them to pass exams. The money had ran out before the first had finished 2 years of private secondary.

They now seem to move every couple of years as their landlords keep selling up and the mother’s having to work nights to pay the extortionate rent which is way more than the mortgage ever was and they live in a worse area. I’ve never seen one family make so many poor financial decisions but I say nothing as it’s neither my business and will never be my problem.

0LIVE · 13/05/2018 08:34

I think it’s natural to be worried and concerned about your family members.

But I don’t think you can do anything. Their kids are adults now and will have already formed their attitudes towards life, education, work etc.

I agree it can be annoying and upsetting , when some families struggle with several jobs each just to make end meet and others seem lazy, unmotivated and workshy. But that’s life sadly.

crunchymint · 13/05/2018 08:34

My parents are renting in their 70s. Yes it means they pay out more every month. But there is no maintenance or repairs to worry about. This matters more as people get older. My FIL in his 80s can no longer manage repairs being done, so family have to organise them and pay for them.

BillywilliamV · 13/05/2018 08:35

You are concerned that any extra expense will fall on you? You have no intnetion of paying anything but realise that this may make you look bad!

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:35

'ou’re getting these responses because of how your OP was written.'

What, it's wrong to begin a post by saying you're worried about your family?

I am saddened by the suggestion that we should live our own lives and not worry about others, even if they are close family members.

I would very much hope that my family would also worry about me if this was my situation.

OP posts: