Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that family members who are still renting in their late 40s are making a big mistake?

154 replies

nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:06

I know this is ultimately not really my business, however, I am worried for them. Also worried about the impact on the wider family, including their parents (in their 70s) if they require financial support as they get older. This is a family of 5. One of the adults works for a decent, but not spectacular, salary (£30,000 ish) and the other doesn't having resigned and spent about a year half-heartedly looking for jobs. There will be some pension provision but the currently working adult had a career gap of over 10 years. The youngest child is over 17 and the oldest early 20s and all at various stages of doing courses (not particularly respected and in not a particularly motivated way) or nothing, none is independent and all living at home. The family has been renting for about 15 years having sold their first home for not much and it was not mortgage free. I think they did this because of an idea that they could clean up when the property bubble burst. The rest of the family thinks any money from the sale has nearly spent. The rent is quite expensive, probably more than they would have paid on a mortgage all this time. Is there something I'm missing or is this a recipe for a very difficult retirement? The family have no security. The children, although young enough to put things right, at the moment, are following their parents' rather aimless approach to careers and financial security. The rest of the family seem reluctant to discuss the situation or offer advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:48

Fairy, yes it is bad because they are elderly and not well off themsleves.

And, although I agree that there's nothing that can be done about the choices they have made, that doesn't mean they can't do anything to improve their situation and that of their children.

OP posts:
Eatsleepworkrepeat · 13/05/2018 08:49

OK, so it sounds as if you have a feckless sibling who is still reliant on your parents for handouts even though he/she is in her late 40s and your parents are in their 70s? Has this sibling always relied on others/ not taken responsibility for themselves? Personally I would be directing my efforts towards my parents, encouraging them to put their own financial security first, as they have a right to do. Sometimes people only grow up when they're made to, often with some harsh lessons learnt along the way. Tough love and all that. Horrible for you to see though, especially if they've passed this message down to your nieces and nephews. Where do you think this problem started, though? Have they always been bailed out by your parents?

jimijack · 13/05/2018 08:49

Have that conversation with them then. That someone needs to be you.
Then do let us know how it went.

Sparklingbrook · 13/05/2018 08:50

I think this takes 'worry' to a whole new level. No wonder people go NC with their family.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/05/2018 08:51

How do you know all this detail? I'm close to my family but certainly don't know the ins and outs of their financial affairs.

This reads as though this is your DHs sibling and their family. Your concern is possibly losing out financially if the in laws have to help the sibling out, less in the pot when inheritance comes around.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:51

Really, Sparkling? You wouldn't worry if this was one of your siblings or your children?

Some people might judge you for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:51

BigSandy, since you have no reason to doubt the truth of what I'm saying , I wonder why you are doing so.

Says more about you than me.

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 13/05/2018 08:52

They may have had a good reason to sell the house. Perhaps they couldn’t afford the mortgage. Also there might be reasons why they don’t work that you don’t know about. Now they are in that situation I can’t see any way that they could get a mortgage. They are not earning enough so are stuck with renting. They would need a good income and money for a deposit. I wonder if they have depression too which is why they don’t work. I don’t think there is anything you can do to help and talking to them about it might upset them. Would you have enough money to get them back on the property ladder?

minifingerz · 13/05/2018 08:52

OP is probably talking about a sibling.

She’s terrified elderly parents will die and leave sibling 100% of the value of their home as sibling is in financially precarious position and OP isn’t.

This is naked self interest and judgement dressed up as ‘concern’.

Yuck.

Sparklingbrook · 13/05/2018 08:52

They can judge all they like. I don't know the ins and outs of family members finances and they don't know anything about ours.

MismatchedStripySocks · 13/05/2018 08:54

I think you’re right to be worried OP. I have the same worries about my lovely mum who will be 68 this year and is still working full time to pay the rent. She stupidly sold her owned outright flat to move cities (I literally begged her not to) but she wouldn’t listen. I think she regrets it now as she can’t afford to buy. Yes, you could say I should keep my nose out but this is someone I love very much and hate seeing her struggle and not being able to help.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:54

Dodie, thanks, but I've explained why they sold the house already. No hidden reasons why they don't work. The DW didn't work for over 10 years because she wanted to bring up her children and the DH has given up his job and not really looked for another because he'd rather pursue his hobbies. One of the dcs isn't working because he'd rather pursue his hobbies. This is not my opinion, this is what they have said.

OP posts:
JudIII · 13/05/2018 08:55

@BigSandyBalls2015 Ditto on the inheritance.

jimijack · 13/05/2018 08:55

mini spot on there, spot on.

Cheeseplease73 · 13/05/2018 08:55

“This is naked self interest and judgement dressed up as ‘concern’”

^ THIS ^

I can’t believe how judgy and involved the OP is in someone else’s life!

nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 13/05/2018 08:58

I dunno. I think renting is a reasonable option. No worries about IHT or nursing home fees. Can live off the state into retirement

Where is the incentive to save and own your own home anymore?!

Tuckingfypo · 13/05/2018 08:58

You don't sound concerned, you sound judgemental. £30,000 to me is a great wage Hmm and their children aren't studying something that's well respected? Well respected by who? At least they ARE studying, presumably to something that will lead to a job (well paid or not)

Some people would rather do something they enjoy that think purely about what job is most respected that gets them the most money

howabout · 13/05/2018 08:59

Advantages of renting you may be missing.
3 DC in early adulthood who will likely get on with their own lives within 5 years meaning the parents looking to downsize long term.

At least one partner is jobless and at mid 40s they could well be thinking about relocating.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 08:59

There will be no inheritance - you have absolutely no right to make such a nasty assumption. I think I've said several times that the parents of these people are not well off themselves. That's my concern - that they're having to support their children because of their poor choices when they have little money themsleves.

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 13/05/2018 08:59

Are they happy?

I mean that seriously.

It sounds like they have prioritised different things to you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have prioritised the wrong things.

The DW didn't work for over 10 years because she wanted to bring up her children and the DH has given up his job and not really looked for another because he'd rather pursue his hobbies. One of the dcs isn't working because he'd rather pursue his hobbies.

Sounds to me like they have actively made choices. Not the same choices as you (or I) but choices. Who are we to judge those?

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 09:02

Oh, there's no point carrying on if people aren't going to respond to the facts.

One child is not studying and not working, the other is doing a third rate course at a third rate college which has a poor record for future employment.

£30,000 is a decent wage. That's also my point. There's still the possibility to do something with that.

Again, it's not because they haven't been able to work, or save, or buy a house, it's because they are choosing not to.

OP posts:
Halie · 13/05/2018 09:04

You do realise that if you own your own home that you have to sell it to pay for your care once you need care in old age? I've seen it first hand working into the healthcare sector. People who don't own their own home get free care. I saw elderly people living in the same complex - lovely place with great carers - some were receiving free care, others had sold off their homes.

Whatever you acquire in this life - you don't take it with you and often times, you don't even keep it until the end. So I suggest you let go of your elitist attitude and focus on your own life.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 13/05/2018 09:04

It’s absolutely NONE of your business what life choices other adults make.

If your PIL are worried they can talk to your BIL/SIL about the fact they’re unable or unwilling to support them.

You’re not worried about them, you’re worried about the lack of inheritance.

Original poster
nostaples · 13/05/2018 09:06

'Are they happy? '

One of them is struggling and I see some of these choices as a result of having lost his way in various ways. The other goes along with this person's judgement without question and is desperately naive so thinks it will all be right.

The children are happy enough but are aimless as discussed. One of them is not working, not studying, ambitionless and in debt.

But thing is there's no evidence of thought about the future. We could all go round living in the moment, but this is likely to lead to future problems and although of course the children have time to make something of their lives, there's no plan, no sense of a need to plan and of course no parental support, financial or otherwise.

There's also the impact on their parents, as I've said.

OP posts: