AIBU to think that family members who are still renting in their late 40s are making a big mistake?

[nostaples]

I know this is ultimately not really my business, however, I am worried for them. Also worried about the impact on the wider family, including their parents (in their 70s) if they require financial support as they get older. This is a family of 5. One of the adults works for a decent, but not spectacular, salary (£30,000 ish) and the other doesn't having resigned and spent about a year half-heartedly looking for jobs. There will be some pension provision but the currently working adult had a career gap of over 10 years. The youngest child is over 17 and the oldest early 20s and all at various stages of doing courses (not particularly respected and in not a particularly motivated way) or nothing, none is independent and all living at home. The family has been renting for about 15 years having sold their first home for not much and it was not mortgage free. I think they did this because of an idea that they could clean up when the property bubble burst. The rest of the family thinks any money from the sale has nearly spent. The rent is quite expensive, probably more than they would have paid on a mortgage all this time. Is there something I'm missing or is this a recipe for a very difficult retirement? The family have no security. The children, although young enough to put things right, at the moment, are following their parents' rather aimless approach to careers and financial security. The rest of the family seem reluctant to discuss the situation or offer advice.

Lots of people in their 40s are in private rental properties now, there was a piece on the BBC about this a couple of days ago.

It is a consequence of our dysfunctional property market and the failure of successive governments to enable more affordable housing to be built.

OP, I'm sure if your relatives want your advice they'll ask for it. Until then, in the nicest possible way, you should butt out.

they are choosing not to

Their life, their choice. None of your business.

The parents do not have to support them, they are choosing to. THEIR CHOICE.

Are the ILs concerned? Have they mentioned they are worried about how they will manage in later years?

I think some people just decide to think no further than today and yes I know people like the ones you are describing. I think if you rent and are retired on a limited income as it stands at the moment they would get housing benefit and if they still have adult children at home they are expected to contribute but living on benefits will just give them a basic subsistence level. They may not have to worry about maintenance if renting but there are a lot of private landlords who won't maintain their properties well and as someone else said if they can't afford then family step in so I assume that is what you are worried about. If the ILs can't afford or don't want to help then the family will have to put up with bad living conditions. I can't see any advantages at all but house prices in this country are ridiculously high so it is going to be an ongoing problem.

You say that these poor elderly parents you're supposedly so concerned about are you IL's - are you sure your 'concern' is not more centred around potentially dipping out on inheritance money that might otherwise be spent on helping the family. You sound mean, bitter and very very judgemental - and if you're really none of those things, then perhaps the gist of the comments you've received here should be enough to make you reexamine your style of communication.

nostaples ah, I did wonder as I’m seen as....we’ll use the word ‘unusual’ as I haven’t worked properly since August. We (me and DH) are lucky that we were able to buy a house in my hometown outright but moving here meant less job opportunities for me. Everything is min wage retail or care work. I have, however got a conditional offer for something I can make a career of so should (everything crossed) be starting that in the next few months.

The only ‘advantage’ of renting is not having to do repairs etc., the disadvantage is whether your landlord will do them in a reasonable time scale or at all. And it’s very difficult to get them to if they don’t want to. I don’t think YBU to be concerned about them, but there isn’t much you can practically do.

Once again, there is no inheritance. This nasty assumption says more about the people making it than me.

Yes, the parents are desperately concerned - wouldn't you be if it was your children?

Yes, the parents could choose not to support their adult children but what sort of parent would do this? Suggesting that as a positive solution makes you come across as heartless.

OK, thanks all. It's been interesting to hear the range of opinions. Thanks to those who have actually listened respectfully and offered advice or genuine thoughts rather than assumptions. Quite depressed by how many people seem to think it's weird to worry about your family and that this must mean you must be after an inheritance. Weird!

Bowing out now.

I'm sorry, but I agree entirely with what @jalpie has posted, it sounds like your concern is that these relatives will need help from their parents, and that help takes away from any potential inheritance.

If that is not the case, then give them a little less thought.

What the actual fuck has it got to do with you?

Why are you posting on mumsnet about this? It is absolutely none of your fucking business.

Houses are spectacularly expensive, and it is incredibly difficult to get on the housing ladder.

Jeez, I can’t believe you posted about this. You are clearly bored.

I don't think the OP was getting quite the replies they hoped for.

Op not sure at all why people are being so very nasty to you!

If that were my family l too would be very concerned

Halie

Whilst you are correct if you own assets then these may have to be sold to pay for care surely that is their potential heirs problem not theirs? No one should be depending on inheritance and personally if my mum or stepdad had to sell their flat to pay for decent care I would rather them do that.

I have seen the difference between state provided free at point of use care and lovely private but expensive care. They don't get put in the same homes you know. My mother in law could never afford to buy and went into state provided free care which was basic. My stepdad came out of hospital into private nursing home which my mum paid for as she could not look after him at home and he was well enough to come home after 4 months. No comparison, it was like living in a hotel. Personally if it gets to that point for me or my DH I would hope our daughters would realise that our assets are there to provide for our lifetime, including care costs and they get what's left.

That is not a reason to rent rather than buy.

OP, do you think counselling may be useful for you?

Do you understand the difference between your choices and priorities, and the choices and priorities of other people?

You do realise that this level of anxiety about the choices that other adults make is not normal, don't you?

I like to think that thread people are actually much happier than OP or there is something else that she is jealous of which makes her appear to feel so strongly about how they have messed up. Maybe they are not concerned with wealth and security. Maybe they live in the moment I don't know but it sounds like you have different values and you are placing yours in them

These not thread

OP it may be some of the harsh posts are because they have chosen to rent rather than buy too and are considering that you are making a judgement on their "poor" choices too. OP has already said there is no inheritance so why this keeps getting flogged I don't know except some people cannot conceive anyone worrying for their family. We don't live in bubbles. I really think though you have to accept you can't do anything about this and make sure your ILs are not put under pressure to contribute when they cannot afford to. Family or not they should be left to do things their way.

OP referred to the elderly parents as IL. So it's her bil/sil. And has already said IL don't have much money so probably doesn't think there is any inheritance.

OP I don't think yabu to be worried about your family. My dsis rents and will never be able to buy. I've spoken to my dp about giving her her inheritance now to help her and they are looking at some scenarios.

Because like you I worry about my family and my nieces and nephews. My dsis made a poor choice in father for her dc but has always tried to do her best by them.

OP has bowed out.

You said in-laws.... does this mean they're your brother or sister in law? In which case I'm sorry but you don't get an opinion. For all you know they had to sell because of financial difficulties and didn't want everyone else to know about it.

Who are you to decide that their lifestyle is wrong?
That their kids courses are not respected?
Maybe they are nice people, and are bringing their kids up to be nice people.
If I’m reality you are anything like you original post you don’t sound very nice at all, so they may have that on you op.

OP we have a similar family situation, so I totally get your worry and unease. DSib, on paper, has always been the most successful member of the family (and most of their friendship group's mega wealthy) but it's not at all reflected in the way they live. I think they need to put their names down on a waiting list for a council house/flat...

Clearly all the other posters who are being snarky have never had family members in such a position. It is very worrying.

I don't think the OP was getting quite the replies they hoped for

I’m pretty sure the posters who replied so unpleasantly got what they hoped for though 🙄. Even if you disagree with the OP there was no need for the sarcastic sour responses.

There must be thousands of threads on Mumnet criticising BILS and SILs and dealing with behaviour that doesn’t directly effect the OP.

My BIL and SIL make a lot of really stupid financial/life decisions which effect my very elderly MIL and I’m happy to admit to ‘judging’ them. I consider it my business too even though it’s not my blood relative. (Mind, I’m not daft enough to start a thread about it 😂)

It’s not weird to worry about your family, but calling your young relatives ‘aimless and ambitionless’ doesn’t come across as concerned, it’s quite rude, it sounds like you’re sighing and rolling your eyes at their hopeless decisions. Perhaps their parents are happy their children are studying things they love rather than opting for high paid careers that they may hate (believe me I wish I chosen the former). Perhaps they made some bad decisions along the way as many of us do. I get you may genuinely be concerned, but it’s not your job to ‘fix’ this, that is if it even warrants fixing.

Itchytights there's really no need to speak to the OP like that.

I think it's fine to be concerned but what do you want us to advise? Where do you expect them to suddenly pull the thousands required to buy a house from?