AIBU to think that family members who are still renting in their late 40s are making a big mistake?

[nostaples]

I know this is ultimately not really my business, however, I am worried for them. Also worried about the impact on the wider family, including their parents (in their 70s) if they require financial support as they get older. This is a family of 5. One of the adults works for a decent, but not spectacular, salary (£30,000 ish) and the other doesn't having resigned and spent about a year half-heartedly looking for jobs. There will be some pension provision but the currently working adult had a career gap of over 10 years. The youngest child is over 17 and the oldest early 20s and all at various stages of doing courses (not particularly respected and in not a particularly motivated way) or nothing, none is independent and all living at home. The family has been renting for about 15 years having sold their first home for not much and it was not mortgage free. I think they did this because of an idea that they could clean up when the property bubble burst. The rest of the family thinks any money from the sale has nearly spent. The rent is quite expensive, probably more than they would have paid on a mortgage all this time. Is there something I'm missing or is this a recipe for a very difficult retirement? The family have no security. The children, although young enough to put things right, at the moment, are following their parents' rather aimless approach to careers and financial security. The rest of the family seem reluctant to discuss the situation or offer advice.

Apologies, that was directed at the OP

Op. You don’t come across as caring about them unfortunately.
You’ve already said you can’t say anything to them because it will cause upset.
So what do you plan on doing to sort the feckless relatives out? 🤔

It's nice if you were genuinely concerned but you are not, you are judging them and their choices.
There is likely absolutely nothing you can do about any of this, nothing.
You have offered absolutely NO solutions here, you just keep going on and on about how wrong they are....

Billy, just reread your post and think about how you're coming across. You are making quite an unpleasant assumption there without any evidence whatsoever that this is how I feel.

If you wondered that I was concerned for my own finances you could perhaps have posed that as a question.

What I HAVE said is that I am worried about the elderly parents supporting this family financially and in other ways when they're not well off themselves.

I’m 45 and rent with 2 kids. I’d love to own a house but the property market rose faster than my deposit saving could keep up and I couldn’t get a big enough mortgage. Millions of people rent for similar reasons as there are big issues in this country with housing.
YABU to be so incredibly judgy and slightly smug tbh.
Maybe you should get in the real world where people’s lives don’t always work out in the linear, prescriptive way you seem to think they do.

I also don't think that my elderly ILs should have to financially support their children when they are in the 70s and the children are in their late 40s. Well, they don't have to. If they do, that will be their choice.

You're getting the response you are because you are focusing on "wrong" choices made in the past. If you'd started with where they are at the moment (instead of how they got there) and made some suggestions as to how you could help, you would have got different responses.

You say you're concerned about them, but actually you sound as if your main interest is in analysing their past and blaming each and every one of them for where they are now.

Not sure why the responses on this thread are so stroppy. Lots of threads are about other people's issues but don't get post after post of myobb.

Do you think your family members are counting on an inheritance to save the day?

It sounds like they have behaved foolishly but you can't ever know the full facts. It sounds like there is nothing you can do. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You have offered NO solutions to this problem, you just keep going on and on about how wrong they are, what are you going to do?

Selling their home and not buying another sounds like a poor decision. But nothing can be done about that now. Perhaps you or other family members should tell them how worried you are and see if they want to discuss it with you? If not, then I’m afraid there is nothing more to be said or done.

Have you tried entering their details (as far as you're aware of them) in to one of those mortgage calculators. For the most reasonable modest house in the cheapest area they could live in and still be near friends/family and still get to work. Do that and see if they'd even qualify!

FWIW, I'd be concerned too. I worry about people too, friends in my case though. I've a friend of 48, single, still renting. I do kind of worry a bit about her but there are plenty in worse situations. At least she has a steady job.

'So what do you plan on doing to sort the feckless relatives out? 🤔'

If you read my post you'll see I was actually asking whether I had perhaps misread the situation and there was some advantage to renting that perhaps I wasn't aware of.

I don't know how to help, that's the problem. TBH I'm not the one who can do it. I don't want to explain my relationship to these people in case of outing myself or them but it needs to be the parents or close sibling really.

Personally, I think they need someone just to ask them some questions to get the ball rolling to see if they've actually thought about their future. They're not bad people, just immature and naive. They sold their house because they thought it was the route to making millions on the property market when the boom bust. That is evidence of their poor judgement.

I can't imagine knowing this level of detail about the goings on/finances of a family member TBH.

But somehow you do so you need to decide how you are going to sort it all out for them.

I dont think you are 'worried' about this family, my feelings are you are worried about any inheritance!

How on earth can you have enough information to make these judgements OP? Didn't work for 10 years = depression/illness? Not applying themselves at college = says whom? They will just have to join the rest of us piss poor UK residents in our dismal old age.

Many lenders won't lend past retirement age but most will not go past 70. Obviously it would depend what area of the country they live in and how much deposit they have but if you were to take the average cost of a house now which I think is around £180k the monthly payments on that would be way past the affordability criteria of one earner on £30k. If they live up North where there are some cheaper areas it may be possible but from the sound of it if they haven't broached it with family it sounds like either they have decided to rent and aren't bothering with buying again or are just hoping for the best.

I don't think it is unreasonable to be concerned for them as they are family but nothing you can do about it and broaching it now seems wrong somehow as if you are judging their choices. I would keep out of it as many people would take it the wrong way like some of the responses here.

I’d be worried too op, you’re getting a hard time here for no good reason

'Well, they don't have to. If they do, that will be their choice.'

I'm not sure if you're aware how heartless you sound.

Most parents will try to do their best by their children, even if their children are in trouble because of poor choices they have made.

I would not want these people's parents to simply turn away their children, as I wouldn't with my own children. But I would rather they weren't put in this situation. Why is that so difficult to understand? A bit of empathy is needed here perhaps?

The evidence is what you have said, this is how it reads to me I am afraid. You are certainly more emotionally involved than you should be. I would advise that MN is not the place for nuanced argument, trust me, I know#

Not to derail but I'm also worried about family members. They gave up renting and bought a house. This means they'll wake each morning for years knowing that they're in debt to the bank; not only that they'll be set back each time an appliance wears out, the roof needs tiles, the water pipes burst and so on. On top of that they can't move house without a huge hassle, though I suppose they're the sort who are terrified by changes anyway.

Although this is certainly my business I doubt I can change their attitude no matter how often I take it upon myself to set them straight. Other family won't discuss this; tbh, I wonder if they're deliberately shutting me down every time I bring this up. What worries me is that there will be no end to this: Given their role models the children are very likely to be condemnatory, judgemental, and so unpleasant to be around that they will find getting along with others very difficult and so restricted in their attitudes they will lead very confined lives.

I feel it's fallen on me to set them on the right path and to look after our parents' financial dealings. AIBU?

i'm going to assume you have a house, and a mortgage: for all you know, they might be worrying about how you'll afford your mortgage payments if you lose your job; or how you'll afford maintenance of your house when you are retired ... things you are categorically not worrying about. Equally, they may be unconcerned about the things you worry about. Or they might be worried, but unable to discuss it with you (maybe they suspect you will lecture them about where they went wrong?).

OP you have listed a whole raft of hypothetical worries about other people's futures.

There are no doubt subtle ways you could help, now, if you actually want to help, but somehow I don't think that's what you want to.

What responses were you hoping for?

Er, Granny, these are close family members. Yes, I do have all that information as fact.

You, on the other hand, don't have enough facts about me to make the sort of assumptions you are implying that you are.

If their parents do choose to help them out and they are happy to do so, is that so bad?

Natural to be concerned about family.. Yes of course.
But ultimately YABU and (by your own admission) ultimately none of your business.

Renting has its advantages. I know plenty of people in their 40s/50s who rent.

Thanks, Welcome.

I really hope we've not reached the point when it's considered strange to worry about your family!

“Personally, I think they need someone just to ask them some questions to get the ball rolling to see if they've actually thought about their future. They're not bad people, just immature and naive. They sold their house because they thought it was the route to making millions on the property market when the boom bust. That is evidence of their poor judgement”

SERIOUSLY?? Who are you to sit in judgement on people’s lives? They might be perfectly happy in their decision making.