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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends Wedding

137 replies

Abcdef1277 · 12/05/2018 18:51

Hi all, I’ve name changed as my other name is quite outing.
A friend of mine is getting married in a few months time. We used to be extremely close but due to living not as close anymore and growing up and having families etc we’re not as close as we once was.
The invites came out a while ago and I straight away rsvp’d to say we would love to come meaning myself dh and ds.
I have now found out that children are not invited, which is fair enough I know that some times your limited for numbers or you only want family children there, that’s all fine I’m not upset or anything maybe just a little disappointed as I wanted to go as a family.
It turns out there is a festival on the same weekend that my dh desperately wants to go to (I do to) an we would take ds.
AIBU in saying sorry to my friend an not go an just go to the festival?

OP posts:
fuckingjournocunts · 13/05/2018 08:41

It's an invite not a summons and obviously you thought your kid was invited which changes the t's&c's. Just apologise to the bride that you didn't realise dcs were not invited and you can't make it now and send a card & gift.

Woo hoo 🌸🌼Festival🌼🌸

fuckingjournocunts · 13/05/2018 08:47

I love the fact so many of you say you would rather spend time with your children than dump them for the weekend to go off to a boring wedding.
Your dc are only lent to you really...you won't get this time back so enjoy it.
Divorce rates are pretty high and the chances are you'll get to go to your mates second wedding anyway 😂

FrancisCrawford · 13/05/2018 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonMummy1418 · 13/05/2018 09:13

You go to the wedding alone and DH can go to the festival with DC - if it's more than one day festival then you can join before or after the wedding!

He11y · 13/05/2018 09:19

I would be a bit put out if I were your friend but I can see your point if other children are going.

I’m on the fence and no help whatsoever! lol

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 13/05/2018 09:22

Some real flakes on here. OP you’re being really rude. It’s hurftul to have people pull out of your wedding. She’ll know you’ve just changed your mind and had a better offer.

LotsToThinkOf · 13/05/2018 09:40

Ordinarily, I'd say YABU but after your update I don't think you are. Is it that you received an invitation which indicated that all of you were invited and then she's changed her mind by putting up a social media post to say children aren't invited? Has she specified 'family children only' or are the children ones that she's chosen according to who her 'close friends' are? If it's family then YABU but in the second situation I'd say YANBU.

I'd speak to her and apologise that you misunderstood, I'd just tell you assumed he was invited and now that he isn't you can't come. If she questions you, be honest - you attend weddings as a family or not at all. If that's a rule you use for all weddings then she can't argue.

If she decides to end the friendship over this then you're better off without her. Of course couples are entitled to have a child free wedding, but parents are also entitled to not attend child free events. The bride and groom should be prepared for that if they decide to have a child free wedding, it doesn't mean anyone is any less friends it's just the way it is.

rookiemere · 13/05/2018 09:47

I think YANBU. You accepted thinking DCs were included- although I’d be interested to know the wording on the invite- now you know they are not so you’re going to decline the invite with plenty of notice.

PoorYorick · 13/05/2018 09:59

Life is really too short for that, your wedding is a very special day, but not the be all and end all.

But an annual festival is?

rookiemere · 13/05/2018 10:05

Perhaps the question is that if the festival didn’t exist would you still be going to the wedding now you know its DC free ?

Lizzie48 · 13/05/2018 10:13

You're right, of course it isn't, but I'm still amazed at the number of people who would cut a friend out of their lives as a result of it. Especially as there was a misunderstanding over whether the DCs could come. That means that she can give that as the reason why they can't attend, it is the actual issue after all.

I personally would go to the wedding and let my DH take my DDs to the festival. But it wouldn't be because I was afraid of losing the bride's friendship.

poppet131 · 13/05/2018 10:15

Think it would be a bit rude to not attend once you've already sent your RSVP. There are always other festivals but this is her wedding day.

PoorYorick · 13/05/2018 10:18

I can't speak for others, but the people I invited to my wedding were people whom I wanted there. It's one thing to decline an invitation, even for shitty reasons. But it's quite another to accept, and then rescind it because the wedding does not suit you personally and so you fancy punishing the bride by going to another, recurring, event. Trying to moralise about it with a load of 'oh but how could the evil woman expect me to leave my child for a few hours, THE HORROR' would just be the icing on the shit sundae.

OP clearly does not care much about this person, so if she does go ahead with this incredibly rude and selfish snub - which of course she's got a right to do - I don't see what either of them will have lost if the bride realises that they haven't actually got much to save.

Perhaps bride should have been clearer about the kids issue but she's still getting married and presumably likes OP enough to want her there. If OP doesn't like her enough to go in the circumstances (i.e., slight inconvenience and going to the next festival instead), there's nothing to preserve.

I've gone to weddings instead of various annual events I usually enjoy. They were my friends, they don't get married every year. I didn't think it was such a huge sacrifice.

llangennith · 13/05/2018 10:22

Go to the festival. Let her know asap that you can’t go after all and best wishes for the day. Your friend’s wedding won’t be ruined just because you’re not there. She’ll easily find other people to invite.
You don’t have to supply a reason or make your views known to her about some children being invited and others not.

GreenTulips · 13/05/2018 10:26

OP clearly does not care much about this person

Why because she'd rather prioritise her own family over the bride?

PoorYorick · 13/05/2018 10:32

Why because she'd rather prioritise her own family over the bride?

Oh what ridiculous hyperbole. Because she'd rather prioritise a festival over her friend if the wedding doesn't suit her.

Caspiana · 13/05/2018 10:33

How old is your DS and how old is the child of your friend that you believe to have been invited? The “we come as a family” line is incredibly unreasonable if it was a child free wedding or a family children only wedding but picking and choosing which children to invite without a clear objective parameter is actually pretty rude in my opinion.

Having said that, you shouldn’t have assumed your DS was invited unless he was specifically named on the invitation. Childcare issues is one thing but if she gets wind you dropped out to go to a festival she is entitled to be very upset with you.

If it were my wedding I would rather you didn’t come given your attitude towards it.

OneStepSideways · 13/05/2018 10:35

I'd go to the festival. Just say you didn't realise children weren't invited and you can't get childcare at short notice.

I wouldn't attend a childfree wedding. We've been to some where there was a playroom with a nanny, you could leave them there during the ceremony. You didn't have to but everyone did, I think it's a polite way of asking guests not to bring children into the room for the vows. But they were welcome at the rest of the event, the meal and party etc.

ILoveMyCaravan · 13/05/2018 10:39

I don’t want to go to a wedding without my child...

This is absolutely pathetic.

Zbag · 13/05/2018 10:44

I think you'll probably loose her as a friend if you dont go now. Will the festival not be on next year?

GreenTulips · 13/05/2018 10:48

Because she'd rather prioritise a festival over her friend if the wedding doesn't suit her

Most of my friends married abroad - I didn't go as it didn't suit. We are still friends.

Lizzie48 · 13/05/2018 11:15

When I got married I didn't even worry about the reasons people couldn't attend. We had a lovely time with the friends and family who could get there, and I was too focused on my special day to allow a friend's non attendance to upset me so much that I would stop being friends with them. It just seems really extreme.

Lizzie48 · 13/05/2018 11:17

Where the OP went wrong is that she should have clarified whether her DS was invited before saying she would go. You don't have to reply immediately, think it all through first and then make an informed decision as to whether you can go.

MoleskinMittens · 13/05/2018 11:25

If you feel you need to, politely decline the wedding invite due to 'childcare issues' and go to the festival if that's what you'd prefer. For goodness sake no instagramming or FBing your festival fun times though, that really would be awkward.

Snowysky20009 · 13/05/2018 11:35

Am i the only one who used to receive invites minus children when they were little and shout 'yay'. As it meant we could have an adult night and let our hair down. (Which happened approx twice a year!)

One friend got married several years ago and decided it was child free, for good reason, if everyone invited brought their children there would have been 48 children attending! The venue could not accommodate that number, the costs for food, extra chairs and tables, chair covers, table decorations etc etc would have added another 1/3 to their budget.

So rather than just a few attending there was a blanket ban. Everyone still attended, no one turned down the invites!

But to be honest OP you sound as if you don't value the friendship enough to attend anyway. Decline, and let her invite another friend who actually wants to be there.