Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son didn't come home

125 replies

NotaRHOS · 11/05/2018 21:41

Hi, I really need to hear from some parents of teens.
My 16YO son didn't come home last night. He has a girlfriend of 3 weeks and has been asking for sleepovers. We have said no sleep overs but curfew of 12pm. He was really upset about it but we talked and talked & thought he moved on. All other parents I know with 16YO's have similar curfews & do not allow sleepovers at boy/girlfriends. The girls mother has told him he can stay the night despite knowing our rules. I find that so disrespectful. Shock
We have spoken endlessly with DS about respect/relationships/sex/alcohol/drugs etc. We did expect he'd experiment with all of the above, I just wish he hadn't so young to be honest but that's done & I'm not angry about it.
He has anxiety & is seeing a Psych.
Sorry for disjointed question/info. I've been up for 4 hours (6am here) & I know he's going to walk in the door soon & I just need some clarity on how to deal with him. I just want to give a bit of back story.
& What the hell do I say to the mother if she drops him home. (I know what I'd like to say but that wouldn't work out for anyone!)

Please Help. :(
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotaRHOS · 11/05/2018 21:44

Thought I'd add he texted to say he was sleeping over at 12.30pm & then sent me a photo pf the bed he's sleeping in. I feel as though to taunt me. Unfortunately I slept through the messages, even with the phone by my head. So angry with myself. My husband is O/S at the moment & I can't help but feel DS'd never pull this shit if he was here!

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 11/05/2018 21:47

I think you have to think what leverage you still have over him versus what could happen if you push him too hard.

I assume he is first year college / 6th not GCSE.

Does he need you more than his desire to exert independence?
If you kick up a fuss will he just be allowed to up and move in with GF family?

Try to reason with him, but don't pick a fight you can't win.

Racecardriver · 11/05/2018 21:47

Simple. Send him off to an all boys boarding school. He will deeply regret crossing you. There must be a really rubbish one somewhere that will take him at short notice. One term there and I am sure he will be an angel.

BrightonCalling · 11/05/2018 21:47

I doubt he sent the photo to taunt you? I dont think 16 is too young to have sleepovers.
16 is a pretty standard age to be experimenting with all sorts tbh.

Nicknacky · 11/05/2018 21:49

What's you issue with him staying overnight?

He has asked and ehilstbits wrong he didn't let you know earlier at least he let you know where he was.

Nicknacky · 11/05/2018 21:49

Whilst it's!

whateveryousay · 11/05/2018 21:50

Assuming it wasn’t a picture of a double bed, maybe the photo was to reassure you that he had his own bed?

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/05/2018 21:51

You have to separate the two issues.

(a) his sex life is his business - none of yours whatsoever.

(b) the issue is the 'curfew' and

(c) the breaking of the rules

Would the curfew be in place if he was sleeping round his male mates house? Probably not. Do you think the curfew is going to stop him having sex? Probably not. So why is there a curfew? What do you hope to achieve with it?

The breaking of the rule is the actual issue. Why is the rule in place? what do you want to achieve from it?

W

Freetodowhatiwant · 11/05/2018 21:52

I can’t speak for anxiety issues but 16 is a very normal age to start doing these things. He told you he was sleeping over. Difficult as it is as of course you’re going to worry about him you might have to cut him some slack.

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/05/2018 21:52

My answer to this would be

(a) no sleeping over on school nights
(b) ensure supply of condoms

but that isn't what you want to hear.

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 11/05/2018 21:53

Get serious, he is 16, still a child. Your house your rules-don't listen to anyone who says he is 16-nearly an adult... No do not be bullied or be told you are unreasonable -it is your house and your rules. If he cannot abide by that then ask him to leave[believe me he won't]/cut off privileges or whatever... But do not be bullied. You are being perfectly reasonable-he is 16. Lay down clear boundaries and stick with them. You say you talked alot to him, that suggests to me you are a good mum who really cares but beware of going down the over softie approach, you have to be firm too, you are his mum-not his friend. Your house, your authority,you pay the bills-remember that and stand by your principles. Goodluck.

Homemenu1 · 11/05/2018 21:53

I think you need to let the gf stay over at yours, at least you know where he is then

Original poster
NotaRHOS · 11/05/2018 21:53

Racecardriver - It has been discussed! LOL. But not serious or practical.

BrightonCalling - No I assume he was drunk.

TeenTimesTwo - I fear, (possibly without merit) that this is what he will want to do, stay with GF family. Mother he's met twice & Father never.. Such is this 16YO mind.

OP posts:
DrWhy · 11/05/2018 21:54

I would assume the photo was sent to reassure you that a) he was sleeping somewhere safe not passed out on a park bench or worse and b) in a bed alone rather than with his girlfriend.
He has clearly broken a rule and as someone who is still over ten years from having a teenager I have no idea how to handle that but I would proceed on the basis that he tried to stop you worrying rather than that he was trying to make you angry.

Furrycushion · 11/05/2018 21:54

Apart from the disobedience, his sex life is almost irrelevant here. If you don't want him staying out (anywhere) on a school night he should respect that. And so should the girl's mother.

BrightonCalling · 11/05/2018 21:55

You soubd unfair. Assuming so much: hes drunk, hes taunting you. FFS.

whatareyoueatingNOW · 11/05/2018 21:56

You have set an unrealistic rule. He's sixteen. He is almost an adult. He's legally allowed to have sex, he could join the army, have babies etc. His sex life is NONE of your business.

You can enforce reasonable house rules for your expectations of his behaviour in your home. But you can't stop him sleeping over on his gfs house.

You're really going to try to punish him?! For what? Having sex? Sleeping away from your home?

He's not a child, and if you clog to your impression of him as a child and refuse to see that he is growing up, you will lose your relationship with him long term.

SinglePringle · 11/05/2018 21:57

He didn’t send the photo to taunt. He sent it to reassure you he was not sleeping in the same bed as his girlfriend. Her folks are not the correct recipients of your wrath.

Here’s the thing... he is sleeping (as in, having sex) with his girlfriend. And it’s legal. There’s naff all you can do about that. Horse long since bolted and all that. Then there’s the fact he let you know where he was / what his plans are. He’s a good kid (despite you disproving his behaviour).

Choose your battles...

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 11/05/2018 21:58

''So why is there a curfew? What do you hope to achieve with it?

The breaking of the rule is the actual issue. Why is the rule in place? what do you want to achieve from it?''

She says it because he is 16, it is her principles. She feels it is simply not appropriate for him to be staying at a gfs at that age and that is fine, it is her son and her rules. Many 16yos are immature, I would not allow my 16yo to stay at a partners as I too feel it is too young personally but I will not question other parents who do it as it is their business how they raise their kids. I hate how ppl here condemn others who have traditional values or values not similar to them and make them seen unreasonable for it.

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/05/2018 22:00

If he cannot abide by that then ask him to leave[believe me he won't]

Sorry but the complete stupidity of some answers does grate. Exactly where would you be telling a 16yo to go ? Your option is to put him into care. That really is an utterly ridiculous answer.

whatareyoueatingNOW · 11/05/2018 22:00

"If he cannot abide by that then ask him to leave[believe me he won't]/cut off privileges or whatever... But do not be bullied"

I did. My parents issued me an ultimatum- my social life or residence in their home. It was the day I realised it was their home. NOT mine.

I left three weeks later having arranged an array of couches to kip on until I sorted a house share and job. Never went back.

Original poster
NotaRHOS · 11/05/2018 22:01

FTR , just to get this straight before 15 others chime in with the same response lol. I know he's having sex & I'm not interested in that part of this conversation. I agree with others that it's his business & I know he's going to do it if he sleeps over or not. & yes it was a pic of a double bed to the PP who asked.

OP posts:
threelittlesoliders · 11/05/2018 22:01

I'd personally say 16 isn't too young for a sleepover with a BF/GF, but that's just my opinion.
I had an overbearing, and controlling mother (not saying you are) growing up, and I'd lie constantly to her. I went behind her back continuously, and did everything she wouldn't have wanted me to do. From personal experience... The more you push, the further he'll go.
Maybe try a different approach, and try to treat him like the adult he is quickly becoming. Maybe if my mother had done that then I wouldn't have been in such a rush to grow up (I moved in with my BF at 16).

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/05/2018 22:02

boywiththebrokensmile2 please don't speak on behalf of the OP, shes isn't a fingerless mute unable to answer questions I've posed. Thanks

And I'm asking questions, not making any moral judgement unlike your good self of course

welshmist · 11/05/2018 22:02

School nights no sleepovers, they never get enough sleep.

Sex - he may be having it, in that case offer to buy the condoms and have the talk about consequences.

What makes you think the girls mother wants another teenager living with them?