Son didn't come home

[NotaRHOS]

Hi, I really need to hear from some parents of teens.
My 16YO son didn't come home last night. He has a girlfriend of 3 weeks and has been asking for sleepovers. We have said no sleep overs but curfew of 12pm. He was really upset about it but we talked and talked & thought he moved on. All other parents I know with 16YO's have similar curfews & do not allow sleepovers at boy/girlfriends. The girls mother has told him he can stay the night despite knowing our rules. I find that so disrespectful.
We have spoken endlessly with DS about respect/relationships/sex/alcohol/drugs etc. We did expect he'd experiment with all of the above, I just wish he hadn't so young to be honest but that's done & I'm not angry about it.
He has anxiety & is seeing a Psych.
Sorry for disjointed question/info. I've been up for 4 hours (6am here) & I know he's going to walk in the door soon & I just need some clarity on how to deal with him. I just want to give a bit of back story.
& What the hell do I say to the mother if she drops him home. (I know what I'd like to say but that wouldn't work out for anyone!)

Please Help. :(
Thanks for reading.

Can you come at it from the angle of respect and relationships?

My kids aren't at that age yet but when they are I intend to take the approach of letting longer term boyfriend/ girlfriends of at least 6 months stay over.

On the basis that it's my home and I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable by having random people I don't know well stay over, that I think it puts a lot of pressure on young people to stay in relationships and also to start having sex within those relationships if they start with the sleepovers right away.

Tell him you are concerned about his wellbeing and the emotional issues that diving into a full on adult type relationship really quickly brings.

Would you be willing to have a similar 6 month rule and to discuss that with him?

I agree there's not much you can do if his GFs mum allows it at her home but you can make it clear why you don't think it's in his best interests and offer a compromise.

Stay calm, and sit with him for a chat and a non judgy catch up when he comes in. When he has told you what happened, point out that you had said no sleepovers, that you were very worried and upset, and what does he think should happen.

Don't go in with a set idea about what should happen. He may have thought about this really hard, or actually done a sensible safe thing in deciding to stay. Leave yourself room to change your mind.

I love how ppl here keep saying the curfew should be that on school nights-no he is 16. However near an adult it may be, he is not one and she is his mum. 16 is still a child and at 16 I was not mature and I know today that like all 16yos I needed guidance as I was still developing. I did not know that then though, just because you have reached age of consent does not mean you should be given full freedom or are mature. Hell some countries age of consent is 13.... 16 yos should not really be out past 3am on any night really imho and that's on an occasion.A 12 curfew seems fine to me at that age even at weekends.

I have a 15 year old. I think a 12:30 curfew on a school night is more than generous. On a weekend, if I had a 16 year old who had a sleepover with boy/girlfriend I genuinely think I would be grateful that I knew where they were. TBH the girlfriend's mum is probably just going for the least worst scenario. When I was that age I was doing it in the back of a car. He is being welcomed into their home. Be grateful.

How far does his girlfriend live? How does he get home at midnight? Curious because if it's a long way in the dark I can understand why it seems pointless coming home just to sleep when he can sleep there if you see what I mean? Whereas if it's a 5 minute walk then understandable to want him home. If I'm at a friends house until midnight and they offer me to stay over then I will because my that time I'm tired and all chilled out and CBA to trek home in the dark.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to have a curfew but why 12am? What made you choose that time over any other? Again it just seems effort for a teenager to be getting home at that time, I'd rather say he could stay out all night weekends but home at 11pm weekdays - I actually think an earlier curfew may work better (not so tired so more willing to make his way home?).

@boywiththebrokensmile2

Could you provide a curfew for a 17 year old? as well as appropriate places for them to stay - is it OK for a 10 year old to sleep over at a friends? What about grandparents? Or should one of their parents be present overnight at all times?

Also, why 3am - if they stay out until then, why not stay out all night?

Rainbowqueen has the best answer. I'll try to remember her wise words when my own DS gets to that stage.

The OP's DS has been with this girl for 3 weeks, remember! It certainly is her business as she is legally responsible for him.

He is above the age of consent. She is not some random that he has picked up this evening. I would not be making this into a battle; my only concern is that it is a school night, and it was not agreed beforehand. The girlfriend’s mother should not have to consult with you- he is not 6! Does he have everything he needs for school the next day? Can he be relied upon to get himself to school on time?

My own DS and his girlfriend started sleeping over at both homes when they were 16, admittedly only at weekends. They are coming up to their 2nd anniversary, and both very sensibly manage their time well, both together and apart, as ‘A’ levels start in a few days. This is what is important, that they learn to take responsibility for themselves.

If you want to keep him, let him go.

You've made it clear you don't approve of the two of them sleeping together. They're not welcome in your house - at least not in your DS's bedroom.

From the GF's parents' POV - what can they do? If they refuse to let your DS stay over and she follows him, they're not going to end up at your house. Where will they go?

I can understand why you think it's disrespectful, but I can also understand why her parents might not feel they have a choice in terms of following your lead here.

Is he though?

Is he though?

OP are you in the UK? I am just a bit confused about the time you first posted.
Anyway if you try to tell him he can't have physical relationships you will lose him.
K
16 is pretty normal in this day and age.

They've been going out for 3 weeks!

You'd all be happy with your 16 year-olds sleeping with someone after 3 weeks?

And they break up and meet someone else...and repeat...

@Nanny0gg - I don't think anyone's suggesting they're jumping for joy at the thought, but rather in a safe house than a park Bush?

She clearly says she is not in the UK.

nannyogg
3 weeks, a couple of months. That’s pretty normal for 16 year olds. They are experimenting not just with sex but with different sorts of people and what kind of relationships they might like.

Nanny they sleep together after three hours, then don`t even date. I have a hard time getting my head around that but it happens.

DS and his girlfriend had two sleepovers, one here then one at hers, before they even got together. It’s what teens do now. They go to the same school and got friendly through gaming online. As I said, they’ve been together two years later this month so it meant something.

You might not like it, but he's over the age of consent, and presumably so is his gf, so their choices around sex are theirs to make. Make sure he has condoms and knows how to use them. imhe young people make better choices around sex if they are thinking about respect and choice than if they are doing it to piss their parents off and prove how adult they are. Have they only known each other for 3 weeks or been friends in school for longer?
With regard to staying out without notice, despite what you have said and on a school night he is clearly pushing boundaries, but at least letting you know where he is, and that he's kipping over at her house, not in her bed. I'd go at it from the point of view of basic courtesy and the fact you were worried- if you stayed out all night without saying anything he'd probably be a bit alarmed! Discuss what is reasonable, bearing in mind the need to get up for school.
At 16, if you make this a battle over your 'parental authority' you will lose and he will stop listening.

That's a tough one. DS1 had a GF from the age of 15 (she was about five months younger). We had strict rules about no sleepovers. Her parents didn't. Our deal was that we'd take her home when she was at ours and they'd bring DS1 home when he was at theirs for curfew time and only on non-school nights.

That worked for a while. Then we got a phonecall from DS1 and GF's mother saying could he stay there as GF's parents really were enjoying their weekend and had had a drink and they'd make sure he was sleeping on his own etc etc. We both said absolutely not, we are picking you up now. And off DH went to pick him up. We did this from then onwards.

We honestly didn't care that her parents didn't care - we did care about not condoning or enabling sex below the age of consent. Coz if the shit ever hits the fan, the boy is far more likely to get in trouble than the girl (have witnessed this though thankfully not with my own).

Once she turned 16 we allowed sleepovers on non-school nights that were pre-arranged with us.

Now clearly you have your own reasons for not wanting sleepovers at his age and I agree with PP, it's your house - your rules.

We can only ever exert imperfect control over our teenagers though - unless you are willing to physically drag him out of his girlfriend's home that is. So generally speaking, how does he behave?

Is he

• obeying the spirit of the rules
• secretly defiant
• openly disobedient or
• out of control?

I'd put this one at openly disobedient and would repeat your rule to him. No arguing about it - just inform him your are disappointed that he broke the rule, that the rule remains in place, restate the rule and inform him that you expect him to stick to it.

However much they hate it, most teens do actually internalise the rules. They try to get around them but our rules do exert a considerable influence. Your parenting until this point has made that happen.

IMHO the worst thing right now would be to cave in and get rid of the rule immediately (or ever). If you are willing to rethink this rule at all, what I do in this situation is to ask my child to convince me why they should be allowed to do xyz and how they would make this work within the wider rules of the household (chores, school requirements, respect for other family member's needs etc).

So if you are willing, in a few days time, ask him how he would make this work for both of you, agree a new rule (maybe a later curfew, maybe a different weekend rule whatever) and then expect him to stick to it.

(If he is out of control and sticks to no rules, disrespects and/or endangers you and your family, and doesn't react to any consequences for breaking the rules, you may need professional help.)

I've just used this approach with my youngest. Asked him to put down his suggestion for a different video game time table in writing. (Our previous rule for pre-teens was game time after school until dinner on Tues and Thurs and anytime at the weekend between 10 am and 6pm; no tech whatsoever on Mon, Wed, Fri or any day after dinner.)

I'm not content with how it's going, so we will now revisit his suggested new rules (they're on the fridge) and talk about why and what I don't like about how it's working and how he would fix those things. It is a constant work in progress...

DS2 is a harder nut to crack. We've been at war over his smartphone for six weeks now. I take it off him every night because he is addicted. This drives him completely crazy and he tries different things to get me to stop (some more annoying than others). I just restate the rule and do not engage in any discussion about why I do this anymore and just tell him I expect him to respect the rule.

I didn't tell him that I was ready to give up weeks ago because I really don't need the aggro when I'm winding down for bed but it is affecting his school work so I am motivated to keep going. For the last two nights - miracles do happen - he has actually brought me his phone rather than me having to take it off him.

Not saying that this will work for you, but it may be worth a try to keep restating the rule and tell him what you expect from him without debate.

Why is he not allowed to stay over?

I can understand your point but at least he was somewhere safe and not wandering the streets. When I was 15/16 I didn’t go to sleep till at about 5am at the weekends after being in a park till 3/4am. I say 16 is pretty normal. My bf had sleepovers at mine when I was that age although he had to sleep in my brothers room. My parents were pretty laid back and I was a lot more mature than most of my friends so my mum let me get away with things more.

Oh and on the issue of curfews DS1 had a 10pm curfew for school nights until he left school aged 18. The same will go for his brother, although right now (aged 15) he is only allowed out after dinner for music or sport activities or to play in the park until dark or 8pm.

I honestly couldn't care less how ridiculous other people find rules like that for older teens - my kids do badly at school and are moody little soandsos when they don't get enough sleep. And funnily enough, we've never had a single argument about the curfew.

Actually, 10pm is also the time I expect/ed them to be in their beds. And 9pm was when they have to be in their rooms because I need some childfree time with DH before he goes to bed. No TV/PC/phone after that time either although I did/do let them read and listen to music if they wanted.

And around here that's par for the course. Almost all of his friends had the same curfews btw.

I'm not running a B&B and this isn't some doss house. All members of our family have a right to have their needs respected, not just the teenagers. It's how I was brought up (although my curfews were much earlier) and while I didn't understand some of the rules until I had my own kids, by and large I stuck to them, too, just like my kids are now.

Charlie

Your 15-year-old son ‘plays in the park’ and your adult son has to be in bed by 10 pm?

What would you call playing football in the park? Or running around playing tag. I call that playing in the park. Are you expecting him to do drugs and be drunk at this age?

And yes, my 18 year old was in bed by 10 pm on a school night. Which like I said, he never once complained about. Why would he? He needed 9 hours of sleep and had to leave for school in the morning.

To be precise, my kids have had set bedtimes since they were toodlers which get pushed back by 15 minutes on each birthday, they totally loved that, too, and talked about it beforehand for weeks when they were younger.

When DS1 turned 14 we got to 9pm for stopping all tech & TV and 10pm for bedtime (the one hour difference is because exposure to screens messes with our brain chemistry and delays sleep). When he turned 15, we agreed that he no longer had to switch his light off at 10pm but provided he didn't sleep in and/or was tardy to school he could read for as long as he wanted. I still poked my head in to gently remind him to go to sleep if he was still reading after 11pm, but most nights he was asleep by then.

(Once he left school I left him to his own devices, but when he is home he is expected to respect his siblings and dad's bedtime and to keep the noise down. He's still in his room by 10pm most nights but I certainly don't send him there anymore.)

This approach is not working for DS2. He is not mature enough to manage his own bedtime, he would stay up till the small hours and then sleep in. Hence I take his phone off him around 9pm, send him to his bed and remind him to switch his light off around 10pm if he's still awake. The only thing he protests is having to hand over his phone and that's because he wants to watch Youtube videos until 3 in the morning. Having to be in bed doesn't bother him however. Having to be home doesn't bother him either. In actual fact most nights he's asleep before 10pm (apart from when he has orchestra rehearsals which are in a different town).

What rules do you have for your kids?