Son didn't come home

[NotaRHOS]

Hi, I really need to hear from some parents of teens.
My 16YO son didn't come home last night. He has a girlfriend of 3 weeks and has been asking for sleepovers. We have said no sleep overs but curfew of 12pm. He was really upset about it but we talked and talked & thought he moved on. All other parents I know with 16YO's have similar curfews & do not allow sleepovers at boy/girlfriends. The girls mother has told him he can stay the night despite knowing our rules. I find that so disrespectful.
We have spoken endlessly with DS about respect/relationships/sex/alcohol/drugs etc. We did expect he'd experiment with all of the above, I just wish he hadn't so young to be honest but that's done & I'm not angry about it.
He has anxiety & is seeing a Psych.
Sorry for disjointed question/info. I've been up for 4 hours (6am here) & I know he's going to walk in the door soon & I just need some clarity on how to deal with him. I just want to give a bit of back story.
& What the hell do I say to the mother if she drops him home. (I know what I'd like to say but that wouldn't work out for anyone!)

Please Help. :(
Thanks for reading.

@whatareyoueatingNOW
Same. I was given an ultimatum and left.

Is the issue that he may be having sex? Or that he stayed out.

TBH if it's the sex, they're going to do that irrespective of curfew.

If it's the staying over, well, I'm struggling to see what the issue is. You can either create an environment in which he can experiment with adult style relationships, or push him away by continuing to treat him like a child.

You say you talked a lot about it - was it a two way conversation, like adults, where was the compromise? Or did you talk at him until he agreed with what you were saying to get you to stop talking?

Are you sure? I will lock him up in my understating cupboard and force him to do maths sums while eating all puddings with custard no matter how inappropriate it is and charge you £30k for it-think about it

I'd have got a bollocking if I did that even at a much older age - it's disrespectful

I think when mine are 16 I wouldn’t want them staying out on a school night but I’d rather they were having sex in a bed in a safe house than in some grotty park

Here’s the thing... he is sleeping (as in, having sex) with his girlfriend. And it’s legal

you don't know its legal where the OP is. It wouldnt be where I live.

''And I'm asking questions, not making any moral judgement''

no your tone in the questions are attacking the op's principles clearly as you do not agree with it, she should not have to explain her rules and why she wants her 16 yo home at a time.

NotaRHOS,

Tell your son's mother that you were worried about him. You did not know where he was. Ask for her number.

""when-I" posts arent useful at all ...When I was 16 that was the school leaving age. Today it isn't. 10 years earlier it was 15. And there will be posters who left school at 15 and left home. The whole time slide is irrelevant, completely irrelevant.

New- surely that depends on how old we are? I left home- didn't leave School until after a levels (hence the sofa surfing)

I certainly wouldn't start stamping round declaring 'my house my rules'. Sounds like a good way to drive a teenager away.

Nothing wrong with my tone unlike your personal attacks which Im starting to make note of.

See, most problems if you break them down into bite sized chunks - , actions, reasons, consequences - it can be dealt with.

What is pointless is a load of anecdotal irrelevant bull that the Op doesn't need to wade through. The Op was asking how people deal with things.

''Apart from the disobedience, his sex life is almost irrelevant here. If you don't want him staying out (anywhere) on a school night he should respect that. And so should the girl's mother.''

This. Yep I knew as soon as I saw this thread that the op was going to get ripped apart for expecting her 16 yo son to be home at a certain time. Sad really as it shows the powers so many give their kids these days,16 is the legal age to have sex in the UK but regardless it is NOT an adult. If she wants him in at a time in HER house then that's perfectly fine.

Go round and knock on the girls door. Tell her mother you have come to make sure he is okay and has everything he needs. Say you would love a cuppa. Treat it like you would a kids sleepover. He will be mortified. Then you can have a chat about mutual respect later on.

He is being treated like an adult in every aspect of his life. Except the fact that he is 16 so has a 12pm curfew. Interestingly it's the latest curfew of any of his friends & my friends kids of the same age.
I really appreciate all the responses so far & questions posed, even the more disagreeable ones. They are helping me calm me down & are raising some good points for me to think about. I can't change my values or the gut feeling it's not right, instantaneously.

I'm off to take out my frustration & worry at the gym.. have a feeling I'll lose a few extra calories today.. ;)

whatareyoueatingNOW I thought my post made it quite clear I was talking about the (legal) school leaving age , seeing as I mentioned it several times and in reference to todays 16 year old.

boywiththebrokensmile
Traditional values have their downsides as threelittlesoldiers illustrates. It’s fine to have values but often people adopt them just because of tradition without thinking why or the consequences of imposing these values now society and the peer groups dc are interacting with have moved on.

Don't blame the mother. She's probably aware that there's some friction and she's just trying to provide a space for her DD's BF. She's not trying to disrespect you.

''I certainly wouldn't start stamping round declaring 'my house my rules'. Sounds like a good way to drive a teenager away.''

vast majority of 16 yos are too immature to make it alone on the real world, most would come crawling home in a week. Was easier years ago in fairness but with current high rents in UK and tighter job market and tighter laws in the workplace yea it's alot harder for a 16 yo to make it today alone than 20 years ago or even 10 years ago.

Why is he not to stay overnight?

To be honest I think you are being unreasonable. I remember coming down one morning and finding a young lady in the kitchen, she had stayed over, and I didn't have a problem with that, although I would have liked to have been told. My son was also 16. On a school night, they should be in bed on their own at a reasonable time but weekends are for social stuff. Why the 1230 curfew? Is that also for weekends? Why can't his girlfriend come to yours and stay over? You will end up pushing him away if he doesn't get the space to make his own decisions, imo that is already happening. Trust that you have brought him up well to this point and that he now has some of the tools with which to continue growing up and so will make the right decisions.

Op I can't change my values or the gut feeling it's not right, instantaneously.

No one expects you too, but everyone likes to be treated fairly, and you have to compromise. Mid ground - sleep overs but not on school nights. I do go with the 'my house my rules', partners certainly didn't sleep all night under my roof until they were established relationships, I wouldn't have allowed casuals. But then, Im not daft enough to know that probably happened whilst I was at work or out for the evening myself.

You're going to have a conversation where he's questioning why (which is why I posed similar questions, if you've thought them through, you've already come up with the answers) - you don't want school work to suffer, GCSE looming, worried about intensity of feelings with GCSEs on the horizon, to the more basic, Im your mother, I worry, Dad away, I enjoy your company.

For those saying his sex live is none of your business. Of course it is. Who would support him if he had a baby. It’s IS you house your rules. The curfew is very generous imo. He has taken the p. You need to tackle him head on and I would have gone to the girls house and spoken to her mum by now. Telling my child they can sleep over against my

Op I didn’t let my kids have sleep overs at 16 with the opposite sex. I told them it just made me feel uncomfortable. I was aware that if we went away or were out various shenanigans went on but chose to turn a blind eye. That was just our way. Eventuall6 as they all got steady relationships and we got to know the boyfriends/ girlfriends the rule slipped. This was at various ages between 18 and 20. I just didn’t want random folks shagging in my house.
At 16 though you have to be realistic. He will be having a sex life. Sounds like you have done your job and talked to him about risks. You can do no more.

wishes