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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son didn't come home

125 replies

NotaRHOS · 11/05/2018 21:41

Hi, I really need to hear from some parents of teens.
My 16YO son didn't come home last night. He has a girlfriend of 3 weeks and has been asking for sleepovers. We have said no sleep overs but curfew of 12pm. He was really upset about it but we talked and talked & thought he moved on. All other parents I know with 16YO's have similar curfews & do not allow sleepovers at boy/girlfriends. The girls mother has told him he can stay the night despite knowing our rules. I find that so disrespectful.
We have spoken endlessly with DS about respect/relationships/sex/alcohol/drugs etc. We did expect he'd experiment with all of the above, I just wish he hadn't so young to be honest but that's done & I'm not angry about it.
He has anxiety & is seeing a Psych.
Sorry for disjointed question/info. I've been up for 4 hours (6am here) & I know he's going to walk in the door soon & I just need some clarity on how to deal with him. I just want to give a bit of back story.
& What the hell do I say to the mother if she drops him home. (I know what I'd like to say but that wouldn't work out for anyone!)

Please Help. :(
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

MelanieSmooter · 12/05/2018 07:49

Get serious, he is 16, still a child. Your house your rules-don't listen to anyone who says he is 16-nearly an adult...

This attitude went very, very badly for my mum (and me). I ran away anyway due to being so stifled and wound up a pregnant 17 year old with an abusive partner.

OP he is 16, not 6. He’s old enough to have a job, get married, join up etc. Time to loosen the strings, because if you tighten them he’ll break them.

freezerfoodyum · 12/05/2018 07:51

I still had a curfew when I was 22 and lived at home! Normal in our culture. Never affected me negatively, I still got up to all sorts.

LakieLady · 12/05/2018 08:28

vast majority of 16 yos are too immature to make it alone on the real world, most would come crawling home in a week.

I'm not sure I'd risk it, tbh. I've worked with too many young clients who are damaged by a couple of years of sofa surfing and/or sleeping rough before I can get them into supported accommodation for young people.

sashh · 12/05/2018 08:39

We have said no sleep overs but curfew of 12pm. He was really upset about it but we talked and talked & thought he moved on.

Di you listen?

My mum did a lot of talking at me and not listening to entirely reasonable requests (I wanted to stay out 15 mins later to get the bus that stopped outside home, not the one 1/2 a mile away).

It got to the stage there was nothing she would agree to so I just didn't ask/tell her things.

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 12/05/2018 08:59

''At 16 though you have to be realistic. He will be having a sex life. Sounds like you have done your job and talked to him about risks. You can do no more.''

many research shows that alot of ppl don't actually lose their virginity to 17, alot of ppl i know did not lose theirs to 17 or 18, i think alot of ppl here in general are giving 16 yos alot more credit than they are worth. They are not adults and many are still in secondary school,hell they cannot even get into a bar.

BrownTurkey · 12/05/2018 09:55

Keep talking, keep negotiating, and welcome a bit of challenge - making his own decisions, good or bad, will help him build confidence and lessen anxiety.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 09:57

OP he is 16, not 6. He’s old enough to have a job, get married, join up etc. Time to loosen the strings, because if you tighten them he’ll break them

16, he's not old enough for any of those things.

ALSO OP IS NOT IN THE UK SO STOP ASSUMING LAWS ARE THE SAME.

Onceuponatimethen · 12/05/2018 11:03

Can’t think of a jurisdiction where age of sexual consent for boys is over 16?

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 11:06

You can't? And yet they exist. I'm in one now.

MsJudgemental · 12/05/2018 14:24

bob In the UK a 16-year-old can legally have sex, get married with parental consent, get a job and join the forces.

Controlling them just drives them away. Give them the leeway to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. You may just be surprised by how quickly they mature and take responsibility for themselves. If you are still controlling them at 18, what do you think will happen when they go away to University or on holiday with their friends? Yep, they go off the rails.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 14:31

NOT IN THE UK. And nobody actually thinks a 16 year old is old enough to get married (hence parental consent), and the forces don't take them at 16 anymore (without parental consent) so thats all bullshit.

Controlling them doesn't drive them away, if you do it right. 16 year olds are crying out to be controlled, the very worst thing you can do is let them do whatever they want. They crave boundaries and your help to teach them how to become proper adults.
This hands off, let them do as they want they are practically adults (they aren't) nonsense is appalling parenting.

CalF123 · 12/05/2018 14:36

Get a grip OP. All you're going to do is push him away with your arbitrary restrictions and bans.

bsbabas · 12/05/2018 14:39

He has anxiety he probably just wants to escape some where leave him be he sounds like a good kid telling you where he is. Just tell him to only do it on no school weekends and after telling you first. If you make it difficult to get breathing space he will get way more anxious. He's becoming or already is a young man who needs his privacy. If you have done a good job which I'm sure you have he will be sensible and come to you with any major issues.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 12/05/2018 14:48

Boywiththebrokwnsmile2- ridiculous argument. You say he's still a child then ask him to leave if he won't comply. Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

Lethaldrizzle · 12/05/2018 14:50

16 year olds are not 'crying out to be controlled'! Mine certainly wasn't at any rate and still turned out Ok.

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 14:58

Well you were probably adequately parenting in the first place, so they weren't crying out for anyhting!

Lethaldrizzle · 12/05/2018 15:06

Well i guess the 'hands off' approach is how I was brought up too and I turned out Ok

myfriendbob · 12/05/2018 15:07

yeah, but OP's son never came home. There is a problem here. Hands off doesn't seem like the best plan.

Onceuponatimethen · 12/05/2018 15:26

Fascinating bob - genuinely hadn’t realised there were places where she of consent for boys was 18.

To be honest, unless we know what the age of consent is in op’s nation and what the prevailing attitudes/culture is about teenage children’s upbringing and sexuality we can’t really help her.

In the UK her position would probably generally be regarded as a bit over strict. But she isn’t in the UK/

CharlieParley · 12/05/2018 17:43

Well, I'm in the UK and my curfew and rules are not only stricter than OPs, I've chatted with my friends today about this and their rules are as strict as mine (some stricter).

In actual fact, my son out of a wide circle of friends had only two pals without such a strict curfew and they told him the reason they didn't have curfews is because their parents simply didn't care enough about them.

So some here felt unfairly restricted and chafed at the rules and others had far stricter rules and didn't. Mine didn't and still don't have a problem with the curfew, but maybe that's because all of their friends have the same curfew.

Some countries also have really strict laws to protect young people - in Germany for instance 16 and 17 year olds aren't allowed in pubs, clubs or restaurants after midnight without their parents or anywhere else in public and parents are required to enforce these rules (although they are legally allowed to ask their kids home earlier than midnight of course). So if you let your 16 year-old roam the streets, the parents could get in trouble for not fulfilling their safeguarding duties and if the club doesn't kick them out at midnight, they could lose their licence or face a steep fine.

Evangeline3 · 12/05/2018 18:39

Some countries also have really strict laws to protect young people - in Germany for instance 16 and 17 year olds aren't allowed in pubs, clubs or restaurants after midnight without their parents

Not sure that's strict. You're not allowed in clubs at 16, 17 in the UK nor pubs after midnight. I don't think there's too many restaurants open after midnight but one I've seen in London you need to be over 18.

Juells · 12/05/2018 18:46

On Judge Judy I've seen cases where - incidental to a case - there's been discussion about a son or daughter being allowed to stay with gf/bf's family, against the wishes of the parent, and the other family being charged with 'contributing to the delinquency of a minor.'

CharlieParley · 12/05/2018 19:02

Fair enough Evangeline3, I wasn't aware of that since mine wasn't out that late before he was 18. I was thinking of strict in comparison with pp here who tell the OP that she's unreasonable for expecting a 16 year-old to come home on a school night.

TooManyPaws · 12/05/2018 19:24

Definitely all bullshit, Bob. It isn't even the law in the whole of the UK. Sixteen is the age of legal capacity in Scotland hence they can get married without legal consent. They are also considered mature enough to vote.

The no one younger than 18 in a war zone decision was taken by the military in part in order to take matters of legal capacity out of the question. It's been going on for a long time; I met a marine who was pissed off about being the only one in his unit left behind during the Falklands war because he was 17.

While pointing out that not everyone is in the UK, perhaps you should consider that your part of the UK is different as well? Both the views that everyone is in the UK and that the law in your part of the UK is the same for the whole of the UK (there are three different legal systems) are arrogant.

welshmist · 12/05/2018 22:37

Midnight curfew, my 16 year old is home by ten at the weekend unless the film finishes later then it might be a bit later. I pick him up so no way am I staying up till midnight unless it was a school prom type thing. He doesn`t seem to mind, he realises how early he has to be up for revision or school.

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