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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son didn't come home

125 replies

NotaRHOS · 11/05/2018 21:41

Hi, I really need to hear from some parents of teens.
My 16YO son didn't come home last night. He has a girlfriend of 3 weeks and has been asking for sleepovers. We have said no sleep overs but curfew of 12pm. He was really upset about it but we talked and talked & thought he moved on. All other parents I know with 16YO's have similar curfews & do not allow sleepovers at boy/girlfriends. The girls mother has told him he can stay the night despite knowing our rules. I find that so disrespectful. Shock
We have spoken endlessly with DS about respect/relationships/sex/alcohol/drugs etc. We did expect he'd experiment with all of the above, I just wish he hadn't so young to be honest but that's done & I'm not angry about it.
He has anxiety & is seeing a Psych.
Sorry for disjointed question/info. I've been up for 4 hours (6am here) & I know he's going to walk in the door soon & I just need some clarity on how to deal with him. I just want to give a bit of back story.
& What the hell do I say to the mother if she drops him home. (I know what I'd like to say but that wouldn't work out for anyone!)

Please Help. :(
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 12/05/2018 00:43

You haven't actually answered why you have a problem with him sleeping over OP???

Would you object to him staying in a friends?

If you have no issue with sex then why have an issue with him staying over?

You sound too controlling. Clinging on tightly as you realise your DS is growing up so you try and do what you can to keep hold.

Original poster
NotaRHOS · 12/05/2018 00:54

CharlieParley and Rainbowqueeen have hit the nail I think! This is what I was thinking too.
It's about respect. Not sex. To be clear, again.

We sat down a week ago, discussed the rules, all agreed & at curfew time last night I got a message saying he's staying over. On reflection, DS walked out of the house last night knowing he wasn't going to be home 'til morning. But I'll confirm that when we talk.
He's been openly defiant, if he wanted to challenge the rules we could have spoken. In fact we said to him the rules can relax later, it won't always be this way. But right now we don't know this girl, her parents, their thoughts etc & weren't sure at that time if anything was ok with them. Asked him to just give it a bit of time.
I didn't want DS sleeping at the dads place for example. DS hasn't met him before & the dad not knowing about it only to find my son in his daughters bed !! Eek. Not good for anyone. Again it's about respect!

I'll definitely come at it from a "you really worried me, stressed me out" approach. I know he went to her place with a bunch of friends as they do. I wouldn't know where she lives to be honest. Mum & dad aren't together, Dad lives close by & mum is about 20mins away. Neither hard to get home from & safe areas. He's done so a few times before.

PP who said I've made it clear I don't want the GF at our place couldn't be further from the truth. We've asked DS several times to invite her over or out with us but DS doesn't want to. I've met her once to say hello, that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotaRHOS · 12/05/2018 01:05

He has a group of around 6 core friends & some others. All new friends from this year. Only 2 parents seem to allow the kids to stay over at their places, not all are allowed. They also allow the kids to drink and smoke. Drinking age is 18 & the parents could be fined $5000 if a parent wanted to make a fuss about it (don't worry I wouldn't do that!). DS has had issues with smoking pot & we just can't go back to that. It's just too harmful for his mental health, his brain & dreadful for schooling. So trust issues have been an issue in the past.

OP posts:
nursy1 · 12/05/2018 02:08

notarhos
FWIW I think you are doing a fine job. I hope the chat goes well, it’s a bumpy ride the teenage years. You seem to have good communication which is a major plus for navigating through this.
I’d ring the girls Dm and ask for a meet up and chat. I can hear your cross with her - how does she know about your no sleepover rule? Was that directly from you? Talking to her won’t do any harm. You might gain an ally or at least know what you are dealing with.

RatMama · 12/05/2018 02:13

Just to let you know my exHs mum was like you. We were together from 15 and she she wouldn't let him sleep at mine, was controlling. He left and moved in with me at my family's house at 16, his mum was heartbroken but she gave him no choice as she wouldn't relent.

RatMama · 12/05/2018 02:15

What I'm saying is, they're already having sex so what's the harm in sleeping together? Wouldn't you rather know he is tucked up in bed at 12.30 rather than on his way home?

Onceuponatimethen · 12/05/2018 02:25

It seems you aren’t in the UK.

From a UK perspective when i was this age twenty odd years ago this is what was normal:

Kids this age stayed overnight at parties and events even with mixed groups and did sleepovers with same sex friends

Parents generally accepted 16 is the legal age for sex and many kids this age are specially active

People went on trips with their bf or gf and stayed over eg if parents away

Now, I would treat my dc the same

The priority is safe sex, respect for partners and making sure gf / bf isn’t prioritised at expense of studies

thebewilderness · 12/05/2018 02:53

The issue in my opinion is trust.
That is what the discussion needs to center on.

Original poster
NotaRHOS · 12/05/2018 06:36

"The issue in my opinion is trust.
That is what the discussion needs to center on." Exactly thebewilderness
We have had a discussion. He's not happy, tried to manipulate the situation, fact is he had the intent of not obeying the rule & has to deal with the consequences. FFS we have 1 rule, home by midnight that's it.
As I mentioned earlier here & have spoken to him again today.. that we will be happy to relax the rule within time. I'm only human and set a rule according to my values he's our first teen & by Christ has put us through some shit already. We're trying to keep him on the straight & narrow (& of course expect him to stray from time to time), we'll loosen the reins as he earns our trust again.

OP posts:
MyBreadIsEggy · 12/05/2018 06:39

Personally, I would have a talk and explain that you’re upset about his disrespect of your rules - but at the same time I would discuss some negotiations.
As uncomfortable as it will probably be, I’d have a serious safe sex talk, make sure there are accessible condoms in the house and maybe relax the rules to no sleepovers on school nights?
If they are having sex already, it would give me peace of mind to know that they are doing it safely, and in the gf’s parents house rather than in a field somewhere

Original poster
NotaRHOS · 12/05/2018 06:55

Lots of sex talk already PP! :) Lots about safe sex & respect etc & a few giggles too!

OP posts:
LolitaLempicka · 12/05/2018 07:00

How is his girlfriend’s mother being disrespectful? Maybe she wants a stronger, closer relationship with her child. It was your child who did not come home, who is the disrespectful one?

Booboostwo · 12/05/2018 07:03

To be honest I can't quite understand why you didn't want him to stay over and are so worried it isn't too early. I suspect he felt the same and decided to ignore you. While it is disrespectful to ignore your parent if he feels you are being unreasonable and he can't change your mind this is what he will do. So I suppose I am trying to say that you need to find a better way to communicate and coming down on him harshly now will just mean he will ignore the punishment.

NotARegularPenguin · 12/05/2018 07:06

Your problem is he will just spend all the time at his GFs house as your no sleepover rule is effectively pushing him away.

So the only effect the rule is having is to upset your relationship with him. He’s still getting the sleepovers, just at her house.

So you may as well scrap the rule to be honest.

PollyPelargonium52 · 12/05/2018 07:07

At 16 I would not be imposing such strict rules. I agree to the staying out until midnight but staying overnight at a girlfriend is acceptable at that age, although not on a school night.

Provided the parents agree of course.

strawberrypenguin · 12/05/2018 07:09

I don't think in by midnight is a strict rule at all. Allows plenty of freedom within a reasonable expectation.

Original poster
NotaRHOS · 12/05/2018 07:13

Thanks for all your opinions & support Mumsnet! I haven't posted here before & have found it so useful today. I was so tired & emotional this morning (I'm in Australia) but we're all good. Yep it probably comes across as a bit controlling, maybe it is, maybe some of us have different degrees of parenting, where I'm lax you're not and VV.. Lots for me to take away & think about. :)
So pleased I found this forum.
Thank god it's wine o'clock here, well almost.. Grin
Over & out. XX

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/05/2018 07:20

At that age I wouldn't have contemplated staying out like that as l knew I'd get a bollocking on my return. I still had a curfew all through college even though I could drive and was over 18 for part of it - though it was 2am so late enough. Their reasoning was that my dad in particular couldn't relax and sleep properly until I was home and the house locked up so 2am was late enough. It was only the last couple of months before uni that that started to grate on me.

Pengggwn · 12/05/2018 07:21

I agree with you, OP, and I think the other mother is being disrespectful. At 16 he is still under your care and whether he stays out is your decision.

Mamia15 · 12/05/2018 07:21

Choose your battles. Stick to your guns over things that are really important i.e safety, security etc.

Using the 'respect' line is not likely to work. They don't really care - their friends/gf/being cool/having fun are more important.

Amanduh · 12/05/2018 07:28

I think you’re entirely reasonable OP. Those who give their 16 year olds a free rein surprise me more and saying its entirely normal for a 16 yo to be out sleeping at their girlfriends house at that age. ‘You can’t give him a curfew and tell him what he can’t be doing’ I don’t know anyone in rl thay doesn’t have curfews and rules for their 16 yo! He is a child.
The mother is being disrespectful as well. No way would I have a random 16yo I’ve met once or twice staying over without checking his parents know where he is and are ok with it. He is 16 not 26!
OP you aren’t being ‘controlling’ and are entirely reasonable.

Mrsbird311 · 12/05/2018 07:30

Would you rather he was having sex behind the chippy near the bins or at his girlfriends house where you know he is safe?? He’s having sex so what does it matter if he sleeps over, do you not let him stay over at mates house? He’s safe and asleep that is all you should care about. My son left home at sixteen and moved abroad, you have to give him his independence, he’s a young man full of testosterone, the controlling may be causing his anxiety, pick your battles, if he’s a generally good kid, let him stay at his girlfriends, you don’t want it under your roof fair enough but the other mum is okay with it, as I would be to be honest

ClaryFray · 12/05/2018 07:33

I work in an industry where kids younger have done worse. He's being a typical 16 year old boy. Your being a bit over protective. In two years he'll be an adult why should you allow some independence.

Yogagirl123 · 12/05/2018 07:40

I am with you all the way OP, I have sons of similar ages and would worry too. Sorry you had such an awful night, try to get some rest later and then have a conversation with your son.

DrJo1 · 12/05/2018 07:45

I think you need to tell him honestly how extremely disappointed you are that he chose to break your house rules and show such disrespect to you. Explain that you were up all night worrying about him and that if he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to earn that privilege by treating you with respect. I would then cut off his privileges for an amount of time that you think fit, no spending money, clothes, lifts to social activities etc to highlight your disappointment and give him the cold shoulder for a while until he really apologies properly to you. He can choose to do what he wants when he moves out or moves away and is independent. He currently lives with you and your rules are very clear. Your son expects to be treated like an adult. Adults take responsibility for their actions. Remind him that he will be treated with respect when he is able to show some to you.