To find dd's "best friend's" behaviour a bit odd?

[Midge1978]

Dd and her friend are both seven, which I know means they're not going to be socially sophisticated yet but hear me out. Dd says her friend tells her to go away at school and runs away when dd comes near her. On the occasions where they do "play", the friend dominates dd totally not letting her have a turn or awarding herself high scores and dd low scores.

However despite this dd seems fond of her. The friend always asks to come over and play at our house but ignores dd totally while she's here, just asking for food and watching tv. I really don't know why she wants to come so badly!

We invite other children round to try to encourage dd to mix with others and the dynamic is completely different and dd plays happily with them. I also try to reassure dd that it's not her fault when her friend is grumpy all the time but other than that, I'm not sure what else to do! Seems a funny friendship but maybe this is normal?

I would refuse to have this girl in my house—she sounds awful. Explain to DD that friends don't treat one another that way and encourage her to distance herself.

I would keep encouraging those other friendships, the other girl might grow out of it but just in case.
I wouldn't allow her to put the TV on either unless she is sleeping over. Play dates should be fun and playful not watching TV just say you don't watch TV before 8pm in your house.

Your Dd friend is a bossy boots and perfectly normal for a bossy unsure 7 year old, your Dd doesn't need to put up with it though and encouraging her other friendships and saying what you are about the grumpiness might reassure your Dd.

Sounds a lot like my daughter who is autistic.

My DD had a friend like this all through Primary. It got bad in Y6 with ‘friend’ ignoring DD a lot and excluding her from groups. I encouraged DD to stay away and make other friends.

It’s worked out well now in Y7. DD has a wider circle of friends and I’m very glad to say she no longer has anything to do with the ‘friend’. The ‘friend’ has many issues now of her own and I’m glad my DD is well rid of her.

Some ‘friends’ are best discouraged.

Thanks, I guess things will gradually change as they get older. It's hard to see dd get rejected like that all the time but she's starting to get wise to her.

Hi OP interested to read your thread as I posted an essay a couple of days ago about my DD who is 7 and has fallen out with the boy who was her best friend - he was always pointing out her mistakes / calling her stupid / other names.
The teacher got involved when it was at its worst but now they are still it seems drawn to each other but I really wish they would keep a distance as it's all so negative !
Like you I am doing my best to encourage other friendships
It's hard - for some reason I thought this would start so early !

I wouldn’t have that child to my house, the relationship isn’t healthy.

I’d also be working with my DD to practice better assertiveness and boundary setting. Role playing scenarios can be very helpful.

It's very difficult to tell a child they can't come over though, especially when you're friends with the parents.

Can you supervise when they’re playing and when the friend gets too nippy step in and mediate?

It sounds like she doesn’t have any idea how to play or be without being bossy so maybe if she was shown another way it would help? (I know it’s not your responsibility)

Alternatively if you know the parents could you have a word with them? She will end up very isolated if this behaviour continues, and that would be just as sad as the way she treats your DD.

Ugh my alleged ‘best friend’ was like this, starting at about that age but it got worse and worse over the years until at high school she was ignoring me and excluding me (but then still wanting me to go shopping with her after school as she didn’t have anyone else to hang out with). Our mums were friends so I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it. I didn’t have the confidence to tell her to sod off and get new friends. She was very manipulative and honestly it made school/my life miserable for several years. Please keep an eye on it, I very much wish my mum had noticed and done something. Sorry to be so negative but that’s my experience.

Don't let this 'friend' come round any more. Your DD is at the age when she should be playing happily and you should hear lots of laughter coming from the bedroom/garden whatever.

This sounds like my DD could be your DDS friend (only my DD is 8) we are undergoing an asd assessment, she doesn't understand social situations but loves having friends. She will act like a "bossy madam" or sit and watch a screen at a friend's house, she's not being a brat. She simply doesn't get it yet.

Sounds like both you and your dd have "boundary issues" if you find it hard to deny a 7 year old access to your home and then stand back whilst she rejects your dd. I'd be far more worried about my dd's acceptance of poor treatment than this other girl's behaviour if I were you.

My dd is 7 too and I have seen some friendship issues like this in her class.
Some children do not like "sharing" their friend etc and can act very mean for no reason.

My dd has a best friend who comes to ours after school sometimes and just cries at the drop of a hat, refuses to play and won't eat anything apart from chips. It's really hard work.

In contrast, dd has become really friendly with another little girl who has been here several times now and the difference in the dynamic is staggering.

I didn't have to get involved once, friend played lovely with dd, ate her tea , didn't cry and I hardly knew they were here.

It could just be an age thing.
My ds is 15 so been a long time since he was 7 and I can remember similar issues.

Why don't you impose a no TV on a playdate rule and see if that makes a difference? TV is the lazy option and do if you take that out the mix then they will be more likely to play together.

As a teacher my first thought was authism as they often lack the social skills to form friendships. Also they can be very set in what they want to do and difficult to get off that one thing..eg watching TV when they come over. I hate when l see people saying do not have that child in your house. Imagine if you had a child with social difficulties and she was locked out by all the mums as not a suitable friend for their dcs. She is 7.
Continue widening your dds friendship circle. Prepare the little one before she comes over on what ye are going to do..no TV but tell her in advance as she may be set in her ways and associating your house with that one thing. Maybe go to the park.
Also talk to the teacher if your dd is upset by anything that happens in school. Teacher can keep an eye and it also helps school build a profile of the little one if any outside agencies involved.
But at the back of your mind keep the thought she may have ASD.

I'd concentrate on empowering your dd so that she is not accepting of that sort of friendship. And I'd be minimising the visits, whilst enforcing the message that the friends behaviour is not acceptable and isn't that of a good friend.

This sounds a lot like how my daughter who's just turned 7 would behave. I know a lot of parents do the whole "just stay away from her" speech to their children and it really hurts but is completely understandable.

We adopted my daughter when she was 3 and she'd already seen things and had things done to her that are horrendous. She has attachment problems which make her bossy, controlling, argumentative and frankly a terrible friend mostly due to poor self esteem and anxiety. As we don't allow very much screen time/TV at home, she'd also be plonked in front of the TV if it was on.

We do lots of work with her around friendships but obviously it isn't seen by the other parents, most of whom don't know she's adopted.

I agree that it's tough on you & your daughter though. Could you have a word with the mum and see if there's any additional needs?

Some children think this is how you behave because their role models behave like this.

A cousin's family pick on everyone and make sarcastic comments. And I mean ALL the time. There is a heartbeaking video somewhere on the internet of her eldest daughter commenting about how she doesn't have friends and doesn't know why. A week later another one was posted with her happily messing about with a friend she had made. But all the way through she is being sarcastic, calling her names. After a while she actually says "I don't know why I do that. we all do that in our family" It's very telling.

I want to shake her mother!

Your dd doesn't have to be friends with her, it doesn't sound like she is treating your dd very well. If your dd enjoys other friendships draw back from this one and allow the others to flourish.

I had a friend like this when I was around the same age. It was very similar behaviour and I was scared of her too. I felt an obligation to be friends with her, yet at the same time dreaded it. I don't want to label people, and I hate it when people casually give such labels, but this looks a bit like borderline personality disorder.

I would suggest showing your full love and support for your DD, be present if that child is around, talking to her about healthy friendships and especially let her open up about what she likes and dislikes about this particular child.

You said the friend asks to come and play at your house. What the your DDs reaction? Does she really want it too?

This girl is not her friend, and I would not have her in my house anymore. I would tell dd about healthy friendships, as this is not one of them.

Don’t feed her and let her sit and watch TV. If a child is round to play, then encourage it. My daughters friend was round last week, but didn’t want to play with her. She wanted to sit and watch my youngest play on the switch. So I just told her she was here to play with B, not to watch TV and shooed her into the garden.

I also think that it sounds like the friend is autistic.