To find dd's "best friend's" behaviour a bit odd?

[Midge1978]

Dd and her friend are both seven, which I know means they're not going to be socially sophisticated yet but hear me out. Dd says her friend tells her to go away at school and runs away when dd comes near her. On the occasions where they do "play", the friend dominates dd totally not letting her have a turn or awarding herself high scores and dd low scores.

However despite this dd seems fond of her. The friend always asks to come over and play at our house but ignores dd totally while she's here, just asking for food and watching tv. I really don't know why she wants to come so badly!

We invite other children round to try to encourage dd to mix with others and the dynamic is completely different and dd plays happily with them. I also try to reassure dd that it's not her fault when her friend is grumpy all the time but other than that, I'm not sure what else to do! Seems a funny friendship but maybe this is normal?

I’m sad to say I know a child who was manipulative and shitty at 7. Still is now at 13. Very much had those tendencies from 4 years old. I’d go so far as to say sociopath tbh. Sometimes there’s no underlying cause and they never stop it as it’s part of who they are. Wish it wasn’t so but on some rare occasions it is.

Whether or not the friend has ASD is not for Midge to know, raise or be concerned about that's the for the mum of the friend to consider.

Lots of good advice from PPs already, here's my penny worth.

Next time DD and friend come out of school asking to come to yours, say 'Not tonight. Perhaps next week?'

Next week: 'Why don't you ask your mum to get in touch with me so we can arrange something?' If, on the slim chance the other mum does get in touch, ask her when she can have them both at her house, after all it's her turn isn't it?

If their teacher is seperating them, it's with good reason. If you follow up on this out of school consistently, boundaries will come into line.

Although dd’s ‘friend’ sounds like a pain in the arse little madam, I don’t think it’s healthy to tell your kids who they can be friends with.
Surely it’s all experience and a learning curve. Isn’t it better to help your dd learn some coping strategies so that she can deal with the little shite and isn’t bullied.
She’ll soon grow out of her and make her own decision that she doesn’t want this girl as a mate

I'd keep a close eye on the friendship, but wouldn't end it if DD likes the other girl. It's good that DD has some other friends so doesn't think that this friend's treatment of her is typical.

How does the girl behave towards other children? Is DD upset by the other girl?

It’s certainly odd behaviour. I’m not so convinced about the ASD (I am autistic myself). However, I think it’s down to you to help your DD change this dynamic. I had similar issues as a child where a girl was vile to me, especially at school but then we would do play dates. I truly believe it would have been easier for me to have stood up for myself if I hadn’t socialised with her outside school. Unfortunately my parents brushed the issues under the carpets, never taught me to assert myself and continued to allow the play dates even after I said she was bullying me. You need to be assertive with this child and say no to her coming round for a while. Let her strop - she’s not your responsibility! She needs to learn she can’t always get what she wants. It’ll do your DD good.

I think in your heart you know the answer to your own question.

If you are friends with the girls parents why don't you talk to them and ask if there are any issues you need to be aware of. Not inviting her over isn't great, she needs friends too.

Perfectstorm - what a lovely post

Icanttakemuchmore - I agree.
How well do you know her parents? Can you bring up in a roundabout way (so as not to offend!)?
I immediately thought of my friend's child who has a form of autism. But equally I do remember my niece's BFF who frankly was a spoilt brat.

I would question more before judging. And at 7 she may be undiagnosed.

Or could be a brat...

Does she have additional needs, autistic spectrum condition or something else?

Sorry I should have read to the end of the posts since this has been raised already

Why is every difficult child on this forum considered to have autism? My son has high functioning autism and does not behave like that child.
It is so insulting to kids on the spectrum who have difficulty, but yet strive everyday to be better. Maybe she just is not a very nice child, and allowed to get away with terrible behaviour.

A question often asked and usually ignored...

Totally ignored in fact the pop's original problem has been ignored and derailed.
Hence I suspect why she hasn't returned.
The diagnostic process for asd is extensive, and there are so.many more traits and behaviours that are looked for when diagnosing asd , than watching tv and controlling games. Oh and sorry is top of her class. Every child is different and every child with asd present differently. Bad behaviour regardless of being NT or not is not acceptable.
I don't know what the agenda of those posters Are, but it is not to do with the op.

Almost everybody suggesting autism is a parent to an autistic child and is recognising the OP's description in their own child. I don't see how that can be offensive or disablist as others are saying?

The child in the OP may or may not have autism but it is something to consider in how the OP decides to deal with the situation.

I think posters comparing the other child to their own child with ASD has more potential benefit to a child who may have AN (because OP and other posters might get a new perspective or decide to deal with a situation in a different way) than keeping quiet would be of benefit to the posters who are offended.

Children, in my experience, want to please and behave at age 7. They don't have 'nasty' or 'naughty' as a default behaviour for no reason. Poor or unkind behaviour will be down to one or more of the following:

1. Trying to get attention for some reason (negative attention being better than no attention if they don't know how to get it in a positive way).
2. A difficulty with social interaction
3. Frustration or low self esteem due to an unrecognised or badly dealt with need.
4. Neglect or other abuse at home or at school
5. Poor parenting, deliberate or accidental - be that diet, lack of boundaries, lack of taught social norms.
6. Sensory processing difficulties or being overwhelmed by some other stimuli

All of those things (and any other reasons I haven't thought of right now) require an adult to help a child correct their behaviour and address the reasons behind it.

What’s happening in the playground sounds a bit weird and like she doesn’t actually want to be your DD’s friend.

I wouldn’t have her at your house again if she’s not actually going to come round and play with your DD.

i thought autism when i read it, especially how it presents in girls, which is often more subtle than in boys, and yet often these little girls are judged far more harshly for their immature social skills than boys are (in my experience)

I would try to broaden your dd's circle of friends, enrol her in clubs, encourage her spending time with others who have a more positive influence. TBH, it sounds like a perfectly "normal" friendship between two 7 year olds (I'm a teacher) but that doesn't mean it's necessarily what you want for you DD, especially outside of school. A broader friendship network will mean she's less reliant on this one and more resilient to feeling rejected by her.

I'd also find a nice way of saying to the friend's parents "doesn't treat my child
very nicely when she's around." It's much better off that they know and can address the behaviour or seek further help than have it brushed under the carpet in the name of politeness.

Thanks for all your replies.

Dd has spoken again tonight about this girl being mean to her. She says she only asks her round because the girl moans at her if she doesn't. Well that's ridiculous. She's afraid to tell the teachers so I've messaged them to ask if her teacher can have a discreet word with dd to see how much of a problem this is and if they can help. I'm not going to have her over at our house until I feel I have a better picture of what's going on.

I am friends with the girl's mum which makes it very awkward and she is the kind that may get defensive. I don't want to make things worse for dd so I'll leave off that for now at least. God it's exhausting being a parent sometimes!

This child almost sounds like she doesn’t want to be at her own house?

Which takes me back to my original question of how her parents behave.

Not suggesting anything terrible is happening at home as such, but maybe her parents argue a lot, or maybe they don’t show much interest/attention, or maybe they put a lot of pressure on her. Or maybe she has nicer food and more tv to watch at your house that she isn’t allowed at home. There could be any number of reasons the child would rather be at your house than at her own house.

Or maybe she is just a little brat.

I'm going with little brat!

I'm with you Midge.