To find dd's "best friend's" behaviour a bit odd?

[Midge1978]

Dd and her friend are both seven, which I know means they're not going to be socially sophisticated yet but hear me out. Dd says her friend tells her to go away at school and runs away when dd comes near her. On the occasions where they do "play", the friend dominates dd totally not letting her have a turn or awarding herself high scores and dd low scores.

However despite this dd seems fond of her. The friend always asks to come over and play at our house but ignores dd totally while she's here, just asking for food and watching tv. I really don't know why she wants to come so badly!

We invite other children round to try to encourage dd to mix with others and the dynamic is completely different and dd plays happily with them. I also try to reassure dd that it's not her fault when her friend is grumpy all the time but other than that, I'm not sure what else to do! Seems a funny friendship but maybe this is normal?

Oh good. Another thread where selfish, negative behaviour is linked with autism without a shred of proof.

Can I just point out that NT people are perfectly capable of being arseholes too?

Thanks.

This child comes over to eat and watch TV. It's possibly as simple as you having nicer/more food than there is at her house.

She is NOT your DD"s friend and for your DD"s future happiness, you need to teach her this NOW.

Or you're setting her up for more abusive relationships in the future. Who cares about the girl's parents? They're not more important than your child!

Oh good. Another thread where selfish, negative behaviour is linked with autism without a shred of proof

Can I just point out that NT people are perfectly capable of being arseholes too?

Thanks

LIKE

@Gemini69

My 6 yo has been going through this. I’ve given her some sentences to help her stand up to the “friend” and told her that as long as she says it kindly, she can tell the friend that she doesn’t want to play a particular game or that she doesn’t think the game is fair or whatever. I’ve also encouraged some other friendships - invited some others over, accepted invites to different girl’s houses and told her that it’s really good to play with everyone and have lots of friends. Speaking to some other mums I think it’s a wider problem with the girls in the class - I’m assuming it’s a phase and hoping it’s over soon because it’s been horrible!

I agree with the previous comment Supervise and mediate I'd pull bossy boots up on her behaviour in my house. Hey take turns with the game, don't cheat, be kind to (dd), you don't tell People to Go Away- it's rude.. that sort of thing.

If she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to come round.
Perhaps though these girls are being pushed together because you're good friends with the parents?

Sometimes at about that age, the shyer, quieter child will be drawn to the loud outgoing child and follow their lead because they feel unsure of themselves at school.

Your dd will grow out of this friendship as she gains confidence. You're absolutely doing the right thing by telling your dd that her friend's attitude is grumpy and rude and your dd doesn't have to put up with it.

If your going to do play dates with this girl then i think you will need to take the reins - craft activities, board games etc. The girl sounds like she has no social skills

I don't understand why you can't say no to having her round? Does she ask you directly? Is her mum present? If that is the case then the mum has to be partially to blame and so do you for not being more assertive I don't think I would have this girl to play. Explain why to your daughter and suggest she has her other friends more.

I would talk to dd about it and try to teach her ways of asserting herself. She is going to deal with difficult people all her life and this is good practice at a young age. I would try to encourage her to show empathy and understand why her friend is like that. It's tricky because you don't want her to say to her friend 'my mum says you're a nasty xxx' but you do want her to be able to say 'no' and 'I don't like that behaviour' and try to explain when boundaries have been crossed.

Ultimately if the 'friendship' is making dd feel bad about herself then nip it in the bud and stop inviting the girl over. Another important lesson is 'we re not going to be friends with everybody'.

If you're friends with the parents then you can have a "aren't kids odd" sort of chat so they know how their dd behaves with your dd. Then you can slip in that, yes it does indeed upset dd when she's treated like this, and see where it goes.

It's not normal but it does happen.

@Midge1978 "It's very difficult to tell a child they can't come over though, especially when you're friends with the parents." Have you told the other parents what is happening and asked them how you can all tackle this to save the friendship?

" just asking for food and watching tv. I really don't know why she wants to come so badly! " she wants to come because she gets to watch TV and eat food. Maybe at her own home food or tv are limited or snacks or 'nice' food is limited.

" I guess things will gradually change as they get older. It's hard to see dd get rejected like that all the time but she's starting to get wise to her." Things may not change if your dd accepts this beahviour. Your dd needs to say clearly, this is not fair, it is not right, I won' play."

Personally I would talk to the teacher and get them to help the girls at school. If things do not change I'd encourage dd to play with others and I'd see this as a natural consequence for the child - unpleasant behaviour means people do not want to play with you.

If the child has additional needs that you know of, I'd explain this to dd and she may be happy to play by the girls rules knowing the low points for her and the high points for her friend don't really mean anything. But be careful about expecting dd to always be willing to be second in things and if she does tire of this friendship allow her to move on.

If dd wants to invite her over, just make a rule, no TV when friends come over. Limit the snacks and make sure they are healthy etc.

Empower your dd to move on and find new friends, but at 7, things can change for the better, you just need to help dd make it clear she doesn't want to play this way.

This friendship is not healthy for your dd, so I would encourage her to find other friends and not invite her round. Op has not mentioned SN, so we will just assume she has not.

The friend hasn't been diagnosed with special needs. She's very academic all round but has meltdowns if she doesn't win awards or get full marks in a test.

I've made sure dd knows that the friend is being unrealistic and as long as dd has tried hard them she's done well. Awards and top marks are nice but they're not everything and it's up to the teacher who gets them. I didn't want the friend's sense of entitlement to rub off on dd.

Who invites this girl? Is it DD asking or you feeling obliged to her mother or the child asking?

Keep with the other friends coming round.

Your daughter doesn't have to be this girls friend and be treated this way. She can be kind without being her buddy

Being academic certainly doesn’t rule out hfa but her behaviour doesn’t mean she is autistic either.
What do you/your dd do when the friend behaves as she does? Most kids would argue their ground if a friend consistently played unfairly. I would concentrate on getting your child more confident to speak up for herself. You can can encourage distance in this friendship but if your dd doesn’t speak up for herself there will be other children who will take advantage of that.
I would also not have the tv on during a play date as a lot of kids wouldn’t move from it imo.

Green tulips the girls always ask me when they come out of school and the friend sulks with everyone including dd if I say no because we are going out or whatever. Not sure why she wants to come so much! I do encourage dd to challenge her, tell a teacher if she gets nasty and to play with others too. The teacher is aware of the dynamic and separates them in class all the time.

My rule was always that playdates were booked in advance, never the night they came out of school.

Would that help you avoid? Does your DD go to the other girls house? What happens there?

And is anyone else pissed off that autism is suggested every time there's difficult behaviour?

Well sulking won't harm her!

I'd step back a bit and just go to the park after school a few times maybe, with the other girls parent present and then you can see how the dynamic is.

midge you say The friend hasn't been diagnosed with special needs. She's very academic all round but has meltdowns if she doesn't win - awards or get full marks in a test - if she is g&t the behaviour may be linked to this - I read somewhere about the frontal cortex being weaker in some g&t children until they get older, so self control is an issue, and poor social skills. They catch up later (though may need help with it).

That wouldn't apply to the nastiness but the nastiness might be to do with her not being helped by anyone with social things at the moment. Apparently with some kids they don't pick up social cues, and they need someone to teach them social rules with words and practice. It doesn't necessarily mean they are autistic.

It sounds like an adult is needed to tell the other child when her behaviour isn't ok or what she could do differently, and for you to talk to your child about how to deal with mean behaviour, enabling your dc to make choices about who to be friends with and handle difficult times in friendships. Maybe tell the teacher the other child seems to need lot of help with social things, rather than making it about her friendship (or not) with your dc.

@italiangreyhound you talk about "natural consequences" but I think this is a slightly cruel approach here as you are assuming the child would be able to work out for themselves the cause and the consequence. It sounds like this child would not be able to on her own.

I had a friend a bit like this right through junior school and she made me miserable, but because she was popular I thought I was 'priviledged' to be her friend.

I can't begin to describe how happy I was when she announced she was going to a different high school than me!

My first thought reading this was is the child autistic.

My dd is a bit like this but she’s autistic. But she has gotten a lot better. She wanted people over but then the stress of socialising would be too much and she’d want downtime on her computer but at 8 she’s a lot better. I think your dd needs to understand this isn’t how a friendship works (assuming the child has no special needs). It’s not hugely healthy.

Also children with asd can be very capeable academically but struggle with the social side of things. Meltdowns, ignoring her friend when she comes to play, melt downs, controlling games etc all sound like social skills issues.