Crushed by my own mother

[wildgarlicflowers]

I have nc for obvious reasons, but I badly need some advice about my parents.

A few years ago I had major major surgery, my dm came to look after my dc (7 and 10 at the time) all went well until the last day when she went home (with a big thank you, a huge bunch of flowers etc and all was well) but that night I had a severe complication in the hospital and it was life threatening. My dh pleaded with my dm to come back as I was so severely ill he needed them with the kids so he could focus on me but my parents said no my dm was too tired. It was a long drive of around 80 miles but we were in dire straits. We got through it with the help of our amazing friends.

This hurt me a great deal at the time that she did not come or call, but I was too ill to care or really know. A few weeks went by and I started to get better and realised that she had not called or rang me, not so much as a text to see how I was. I was too weak to care and a month passed, and then another month and then another. By this time I was feeling pretty much incredulous that she did not seem to care and had basically gone nc.

Eventually I got in touch with her, and we had words about what had happened and she said she had a nervous breakdown and that is why she didn't call (I have since found out that this is a lie) Since then we have really struggled to have the good relationship we had before. I feel so let down by her. Lied to, abandoned at such a crucial point in my life, and yes I suppose I thought she would always be there for me. The trust has basically gone.

Fast forward to this xmas ( a couple of years later) and although still on contact regularly with my parents but not seeing so much of them because it felt more strained than before. I broke my leg, no big deal I struggled by with the help of great friends, but then was told they had spotted a tumour and it may be cancer.

To this point my dm had been sending me the odd text from her holidays etc, but no offer of help and to be honest I have given up expecting her to care or to help. I did tell her in the end about the diagnosis, my dh said I must given how serious it could be. She went nc again and has been ever since. I have texted her to ask her why she is ignoring again (again at a moment of great anguish I have 2 kids and I am dealing with so much at the moment this is the very last thing I need) and she told me she was a coward (!!) and couldn't face it. But she could face booking a holiday to Spain for a few weeks without a thought.

I have just been given the all clear. We are so relieved (an understatement).But where do I go from now? I feel so let down, I just can't get over it. I have thought about my childhood, my love for her, and I miss her so much some days now that she is not in my life in any capacity. I can't go back to how I felt about her before, she has actually broken my heart if that is possible.

Do you think I am unreasonable to expect her support or for her to care about me? I am so confused, we were previously a close family (dad was violent to us but my mother has always been kind to me)

Are you clear about exactly what happened while you were in hospital? Are you certain that your DH did not behave in a way to cause this? It seems really odd for her to go from having a good relationship to nothing just over being asked to help (when she was perfectly prepared to help before).

Also, a nervous breakdown isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a euphemism which basically means that the person has had unspecified MH problems. So unless she told you herself it wasn’t true, it would be difficult for whoever told you it was a lie to be certain that was true.

op, whilst it’s no excuse I think the thought of you being unwell terrifies your mum. I think it makes her scared stiff and she then behaves dreadfully.

Have you write about this on here before? It sounds familiar. Whatever the cause of your mother's behaviour, whatever is going on is more important to her than a relationship with you. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had. Any move now would have to come from her.

If one of your children was in the same situation what would you do?

But if the ops mum is scared of her being ill why did she come and look after the grandchildren whilst the op had major surgery?
Op says that went well so I assume the children were ok.
So something else has happened which means mum won't come back even two years later. It sounds very strange to me, think you need a heart to heart with your mum.
What does your DH say?

But if the ops mum is scared of her being ill why did she come and look after the grandchildren whilst the op had major surgery?

I think that’s what started her anxiety. I think she had a reaction to how poorly the op was and she’s now scared stiff for her.

How sad. Since you previously had a good relationship it would seem that something happened to change her. Might she be suffering from bad depression or anxiety? That wouldn’t necessarily preclude holidays etc but if your illness was the catalyst for her illness ( NOT the cause) it may be that for her to contact you is overwhelmingly difficult.

Do you have a father or siblings or aunts/uncles you can talk to? And if you haven’t actually seen her for over two years I strongly suggest you try to see her and try to understand what has happened.

And please don’t assume she doesn’t care about you. It could be the exact opposite. Try to put personal hurt aside and fix this with compassion even though your hurt is perfectly understandable.

I think it's absolutely horrendous of her to behave that way. She's your mother, she should be moving heaven and earth to support you. Unless she was physically incapacitated in some way, she should have visited you and she should definitely have been in touch, regularly. I don't believe there's any excusing her behaviour, she should have pushed through any anxiety etc, you needed her. I wouldn't let anything at all stand in the way of being with my daughter and giving her all my support and love if she had severe health issues.

So pleased to that you have the all clear, wonderful news. Focus on your family, I have a useless mum, and a chronic illness, so I can understand how you feel.

I'm so sorry OP, your post made me sad and I was having a think how to respond. Something happened when she went home surely? She couldn't cope with you being ill? Not all mothers are capable of 'moving heaven and earth' to support you - mine doesn't/can't.

Please try and talk to her, as an adult, not as her child and see if you can build bridges. Being at odds with your mum may be more difficult for you than being in contact, despite her letting you down.

I wish you all the best. Let us know how you get on.

I would say yes I think she does get stressed out with things that go wrong, but why would that stop her contacting me? Surely if you really wanted to speak to your child if they are very sick, you would, a text would have been enough.

During the time when I was in hospital she said she found my dh to be not grateful enough (he was staying up all night every night by my bedside) so when he went home he went to bed in the morning he was beyond shattered, he is and remains the most gentle of people I know, so he wasn't rude or anything (and she didn't say he was just that she felt neglected by him) he didn't stay and make her breakfast, cups of tea and chat like he normally would.

I do think looking after dc is draining, and she said she didn't enjoy it because it is hard work, she is used to being waited on by my df, she doesn't lift a finger at home so it would have been a shock. She rarely helped with my dc or done any babysitting so would find this hard probably - accepted - but we were profuse in our thanks and have never expected her to help.
My df did not agree that she should come at all, but she did anyway.

It was entirely possible I could have died, and there was no contact, and I just can not get over it.

I would never let my kids down like this, ever, not in a million years, so can't fathom this at all.

If you’re too tired to drive then you’re too tired to drive. Your mum probably couldn’t do much about that and it must have been awful for her. It sounds like the thought of losing you terrifies her. Just think about how you feel about your own kids and remember that’s the way she feels about you.

Jael I don't think your comments are at all helpful, you are pouring petrol on a fire. Op needs some understanding and a way to heal this rift. None of us knows what Mum is feeling or her take. These two need a kind intermediary, no recriminations or mudslinging, and forgiveness

littleoakdean she doesn't drive, we offered a taxi or my df who had been at home the whole time could have driven her.

Besides her not coming wasn't the issue the fact she ignored me for four months after because she didn't know what to say is the issue, that and the repeat of something similar a few months ago.

I don't mind her not coming, or not helping I do mind being ignored.

She hasn't even called her grandchildren to check they are okay either. It is not okay. Unless you are bed bound or in a severe mental state what could possibly stop you from caring about your own child?

Jael to be honest, I agree with you

Yogagirl123

I am sorry to hear about your illness, your name sounds lovely. How do you manage your feelings and your mum?

I do mindfulness, and send love to them even though they have hurt me, I have decided to be nc but that upsets me although not as much as before. How do people do it?

Where is your partners family in all this?

Oh and how old are your parents.

Op, I’m a very hands on mum and grandma and I couldn’t imagine not being in my children’s life so I’m not making excuses for your mum. Sometimes people can make rash or intational decisions and the longer time goes on the more difficult it becomes for them to make amends.

I’m really sorry this has happened with your mum and I think if I were you I’d visit her and say can we get to the bottom of this please.

Another thing is that the older a person gets the more the thought of one of your loved ones being ill terrifies you and I can quite honestly say that at 60 the only thing that I want in life is for my children and grandchildren to be safe and well. Perhaps if I wasn’t too well emotionally I wouldn’t be able to approach it in a positive sense and spring into action whenever the need arises.

Honestly, I can’t see that your mum is happy with the way things are.

welshmist

My dh family are all dead sadly which is why we valued the only family we have left so much. I wish they felt the same.

My parents are 65 and 66

does she know you have been given the all clear. It sounds to me from your uodate like she is a very selfish person.However has your DF kept in touch? Why couldnt he have come to help and sent messages etc.?

TeisanLap

I feel manipulated by her silence.

I think your dm was exhauted after caring for your dc and asking her to come back was just too much. How old is she? Sounds like she genuinely couldn't . But it sounds like her refusal to do that made you forget all she had done and held that bit against her. As you get older you are able for less and perhaps she had a type of collapse when she got home. When someone is kind enough to look after oyr dc in a crisis they do need a bit of TLC in spite of difficulties or they get burnt out. Realising older people have a end point beyond which they cannot go is important.
You didn't contact her for months either.
Could ye start again.

Fruitcorner123 My df and I have a difficult relationship due to abuse when I was young, he has been a very violent man in the past. He started being very unkind to my dc so we try not avoid him. He would never call and work this out, he didn't want children, so we are not that important in his world.

My mum is terrible when someone is ill. She doesn't cope well at all. She was fine when we were kids but then started suffering with depression and anxiety and now she doesn't cope. I found this out the hard way when she came to help out when I was hospitalised with hyperemesis. She just couldn't cope with me at all, she would ignore me, tell me I wasn't being strong enough, all sorts. She has since apologised which has helped. I think because I know the reasons behind it I can move on.
My mum is similar in the sense she gets everything done for her at home so a week with a toddler definitely exacerbated things.
I think you should talk to her about it but obviously if she doesn't want to talk there is nothing you can really do.
Glad you got the all clear