Crushed by my own mother

[wildgarlicflowers]

I have nc for obvious reasons, but I badly need some advice about my parents.

A few years ago I had major major surgery, my dm came to look after my dc (7 and 10 at the time) all went well until the last day when she went home (with a big thank you, a huge bunch of flowers etc and all was well) but that night I had a severe complication in the hospital and it was life threatening. My dh pleaded with my dm to come back as I was so severely ill he needed them with the kids so he could focus on me but my parents said no my dm was too tired. It was a long drive of around 80 miles but we were in dire straits. We got through it with the help of our amazing friends.

This hurt me a great deal at the time that she did not come or call, but I was too ill to care or really know. A few weeks went by and I started to get better and realised that she had not called or rang me, not so much as a text to see how I was. I was too weak to care and a month passed, and then another month and then another. By this time I was feeling pretty much incredulous that she did not seem to care and had basically gone nc.

Eventually I got in touch with her, and we had words about what had happened and she said she had a nervous breakdown and that is why she didn't call (I have since found out that this is a lie) Since then we have really struggled to have the good relationship we had before. I feel so let down by her. Lied to, abandoned at such a crucial point in my life, and yes I suppose I thought she would always be there for me. The trust has basically gone.

Fast forward to this xmas ( a couple of years later) and although still on contact regularly with my parents but not seeing so much of them because it felt more strained than before. I broke my leg, no big deal I struggled by with the help of great friends, but then was told they had spotted a tumour and it may be cancer.

To this point my dm had been sending me the odd text from her holidays etc, but no offer of help and to be honest I have given up expecting her to care or to help. I did tell her in the end about the diagnosis, my dh said I must given how serious it could be. She went nc again and has been ever since. I have texted her to ask her why she is ignoring again (again at a moment of great anguish I have 2 kids and I am dealing with so much at the moment this is the very last thing I need) and she told me she was a coward (!!) and couldn't face it. But she could face booking a holiday to Spain for a few weeks without a thought.

I have just been given the all clear. We are so relieved (an understatement).But where do I go from now? I feel so let down, I just can't get over it. I have thought about my childhood, my love for her, and I miss her so much some days now that she is not in my life in any capacity. I can't go back to how I felt about her before, she has actually broken my heart if that is possible.

Do you think I am unreasonable to expect her support or for her to care about me? I am so confused, we were previously a close family (dad was violent to us but my mother has always been kind to me)

This must be dreadfully upsetting for you. I do wonder though if your mother has had a breakdown and simply cannot cope with the stress.

I think June, may have hit the nail on the head, your Mum was knackered after a week of children, held herself together then went home to collapse, then the phone rings, I think I would have had a panic attack at the thought of going back. Instead of being open with you and admitting this which I am sure you would have understood this wall has grown up around you. I live just around the corner from mine and at the end of a day with them am exhausted mentally. I am putting off sleepovers until they are older in case they wake in the night in distress, I just could not bear it if they were unhappy.

Huggybear16 I asked her this, it was the first thing I thought of, but she said no. He is incredibly controlling. Unbelievably so, but he couldn't stop her texting could he? Or calling? And if he was, what can I possibly do??

wildgarlicflowers I have said exactly the same. I was pushed between my parents and grandparents until I moved out at 18. I seen stuff that no child should have ever experienced.

With regards to the domestic violence, she was actually the instigator the majority of the time. I remember telling a teacher I trusted in high school, and him saying how unusual it was for the woman to instigate it. I actually moved out during the 6th form, and I remember my deputy head being surprised when I mentioned I'd been living on my own for 7 months.

But as you said, it's not about you wanting them to move mountains, its wanting to know they love and care about you.

Even if it's a text to say 'I'm finding it difficult to cope with what's going on, but just know I'm thinking about you and I love you'. That's all it would take.

When you mentioned about her not having empathy with anyone else and everything becomes about her- I read that, and you could have been talking about my dm.

My mother was like this. When my sister was diagnosed with cancer she didn't contact her for 5 months. I know my mother was desperately upset but incapable of behaving appropriately 🙄 .
When I was a victim of a serious crime, I got the same silent treatment. I remember thinking, how come I'm headline news across TV, radio and newspapers but my family considers it not worth a mention?

It sounds to me that your father may be the one who stopped your mother coming back, he didn’t want her coming in the first place, she may have been in turmoil and not been able to cope with feeling torn, remember that a controlling/violent person has a massive hold over another person, especially when they are not at their strongest mentally. Maybe she then felt so ashamed that she didn’t know what you would say Android the contact you for that reason, I am not condoning that she didn’t see if you were ok but please know from someone who has been in a violent relationship that it doesn’t really change and it can be very isolating

OP

I very much agree with @TeisanLap
And she obviously isn't coming from a "logical" place which makes it impossible to judge and assess her with logic

A relative of mine used to look after seriously ill children many years ago. It wasn't unusual for parents to disconnect from their child when they were told their condition was terminal and stop visiting altogether.

It was explained as being unable to cope with the pain of watching their child die. I can't imagine doing that but it sounds like quite a few people did it.

Snowysky20009 You could be me. I moved out at the same age to escape. My df threw me out relentlessly (for the smallest indiscretions and looking back very mild teen behaviour) from the age of 13 so was delighted when I left. My dm less so, but never said anything.

I would love for her to send me a message like that, it would have been more than enough.

Your DM sounds similar to my mum. Basically she has undiagnosed mental health problems and is completely incapable of thinking of anyone other than herself. She means well, but she turns everything into something about her when it's not. She is incapable of looking after anyone, including herself. DF does pretty much everything. She's not able to look after my kids on her own for longer than an hour or so because she just cannot cope with it. She's not interested in my problems. I've been ill for a while and she never asks about it. I don't really volunteer much either because I don't want to discuss it with her really.

I probably sound daft, but I don't really hold it against my mum. I just kind of expect it. I do honestly believe she is on the Autistic spectrum, she definitely has OCD and probably other things as well. But as far as she is concerned it's not a problem so she'll never refer herself to be assessed. I just accept it is how she is and she does try to show she cares in her own weird way.

Wildgarlicflowers with being too pop psychology, I think you are describing narcissistic personality traits in your mum. It is very difficult to be the child of a narcissist, because you never come first. I have experienced the things you describe about your mum's behaviour with my mum.

Please do think about talking about it IRL. I found it difficult but ultimately helped me enormously. I was able to set boundaries with my mum and manage my feelings.

Other people with 'normal' parents are not going to understand what's happening to you.

Without meaning to be....

CheeseyToast In the nicest possible way it is good to know I am not the only one going through this. That really is awful? How did your sister cope with that? Has she recovered?

There is also a generation thing, when my Mother, and my Aunts had babies, family emergencies, all of their families just expected them to get on with it. DM got help from friends. So when I had children emergencies I was just expected to get on with it as far as DM and MIL were concerned. That is how it was. Things are improving but it will take grandparents of a younger generation to achieve it in the end.

Your DM could be mine. Cant cope with illness, if anyone is ill it becomes all about her, any attempts to get her to help prove pointless. When my DS was having tests for breast cancer my DM asked 'why is this happening to me', when her brother was dying of cancer she ended up in hospital saying she couldn't walk and thought she had cancer. It was nonsense.... I truly don't know what to say in your case. The person that brought you into this world has disengaged from you when you needed her most...that's a hard thing to try and move on from...

SurfingUSA I wondered if she might be. When we grew up the whole world would turn around her, she was/is beautiful and expected many compliments from those around her and adoration from all of us. It was not in short supply because we did all adore her. My df and her would argue relentlessly about everything. It has continued on and on, my wedding was all about her (because hers was a disappointment apparently) she wore a bridal dress to my wedding.
When my dc were in hospital she would arrive saying how awful it was for her.
My dd christening she insisted on my baby wearing an old gown from somewhere.
I have tried very hard to understand her, to accommodate her and to avoid falling out with her. But it has come to this anyway.

When anything bad happens she broadcasts to the world looking for sympathy and yet she has become helpless as well, and spends most of her time telling anyone who will listen how awful her life is ( they live in a lovely house, with more than enough money and are in relative good health)

Is this is a narc? Is this what I am dealing with? I am so confused about her and my feelings towards her.

SurfingUSA she reminds me of a drug addict desperate for negativity so she can spread it around and feel thoroughly miserable, and so she would have been 'feeding' off my problems, which is some of the reasons why now I don't want to tell her anything or talk to her, it is all fodder for her to get attention. This is my life she is talking about. It is not fodder.

welshmist You make a very good point, and actually I agree it will take another generation. My dm was left to it when we were young so she has done the same. You make your bed scenario.

I have only read your first message, no other comments or any of your own responses, because I didn't want those to distract from my original thoughts or gut instinct. Perhaps I'm playing devil's advocate, I don't know, but it is so sad that things are so harrowing for you.

What struck me was your mum's unexpected reaction, saying she was/is a coward and couldn't face it. To me, that speaks volumes and seems to be at the heart of the situation. (Before saying more, and I'm not sure how to say this with the great empathy I feel but without it being misunderstood, can I suggest you can find a way to totally separate it from her being able to cope with booking a holiday and other typical day to day stuff? The two are so far apart that a comparison may skew your idea of her perception?)

My mother has a total inability to even acknowledge any of my health problems; when I told her about my diagnosis of a life-limiting neurological disease the next words she uttered were "well, you'll never guess what next doors have done now" and not a word about my ticking-time-bomb has been mentioned since. She has no idea or interest in my potential time left (she is like this with absolutely everything) and I stopped caring.

However, the reason I mention this is because she is so very different to the mum you describe earlier in your post. Your mum wanted to, and did help you immensely and happily, so for that to change so dramatically suggests to me that she is terrified she is going to lose you. Her behaviour changed when your health went from being a big problem to life threatening.

The fear of losing your child is like no other feeling I have ever felt and I wonder if she is protecting herself; if she keeps her distance she can, in her own way, shield herself from that huge fear she is harbouring. She may be being untruthful about having a nervous breakdown; perhaps saying that is the only way she knows to try to verbalise her intense feelings and fears? I don't know, it's the big and sudden change in her behaviour is what stands out.

I know, without a doubt, that her extreme reaction has been soul-destroying for you, but there is a mountain of love between you for each other. Fear is an intense emotion that can bring out irrational or illogical reactions.

I don't know how you or she can put that right and rebuild what you had before.

Perhaps acknowledging her fears could be a first step? Would it be possible to let your mum know you understand her fears and empathise with her having come so close to losing her precious child? I know that probably feels the wrong way around, she should be reassuring you, but if it is possible to rethink it all, with my thoughts in mind, would you be able to suggest she seeks counselling, or ask if you can work together to rebuild your relationship, emphasising you're doing well but you miss and need her love? And that you all miss her so much it hurts?

I hope I haven't upset you at all and I'm definitely not trying to justify or excuse her behaviour, I just find your situation so sad. I truly hope you and your mum can work things out and if it is fear of losing you it would be a huge tragedy if her fear totally shattered your future relationship.

Op, when I started to suspect I’d been married to a psychopath I eventually went to a counselor/psychiatrist and said if I tell you my story would you tell me if there’s a very good chance I’m trying to get over the break down of a marriage to someone with a serious personality disorder.

It took 3 sessions for her to say without actually having him here in the office I think i can say I think your suspicions are correct.

Could you consider doing something like this?

I have been NC with my mum for about 10 years now, no regrets.

To be fair she doesn’t know I was dx with MS 6 years ago, but I know she wouldn’t have supported me, and no doubt would have created more panic when I was going through dx.

I cope by focusing on my family, and try to be the best mum/wife/friend I can be, I am very lucky to have a lovely DH & MIL and some wonderful friends who are very supportive.

I also practise yoga, mindfulness etc. It helps me.

i think she is a narc.

either way, she isn't the mother you hope she can be. it's heartbreaking.

SadTears I think reading the updates would help paint a bigger picture because it isn't just about her fear of losing me but also her need for attention. For always wanting to be the one that everyone feels sorry for.

As much as I would love for her to feel just anxious and fearful it is not the whole story.

eddie Yes I think this might be the case now. I do. What I thought she was, she isn't, I am not sure who she is anymore.

Yogagirl123 I know you did not make that decision lightly. How do you deal with the heart ache? Or does it just go? I try to remain grateful and I am calm, and accepting. Every now and then something just hurts so much, I hear a song or see something she might like.