Crushed by my own mother

[wildgarlicflowers]

I have nc for obvious reasons, but I badly need some advice about my parents.

A few years ago I had major major surgery, my dm came to look after my dc (7 and 10 at the time) all went well until the last day when she went home (with a big thank you, a huge bunch of flowers etc and all was well) but that night I had a severe complication in the hospital and it was life threatening. My dh pleaded with my dm to come back as I was so severely ill he needed them with the kids so he could focus on me but my parents said no my dm was too tired. It was a long drive of around 80 miles but we were in dire straits. We got through it with the help of our amazing friends.

This hurt me a great deal at the time that she did not come or call, but I was too ill to care or really know. A few weeks went by and I started to get better and realised that she had not called or rang me, not so much as a text to see how I was. I was too weak to care and a month passed, and then another month and then another. By this time I was feeling pretty much incredulous that she did not seem to care and had basically gone nc.

Eventually I got in touch with her, and we had words about what had happened and she said she had a nervous breakdown and that is why she didn't call (I have since found out that this is a lie) Since then we have really struggled to have the good relationship we had before. I feel so let down by her. Lied to, abandoned at such a crucial point in my life, and yes I suppose I thought she would always be there for me. The trust has basically gone.

Fast forward to this xmas ( a couple of years later) and although still on contact regularly with my parents but not seeing so much of them because it felt more strained than before. I broke my leg, no big deal I struggled by with the help of great friends, but then was told they had spotted a tumour and it may be cancer.

To this point my dm had been sending me the odd text from her holidays etc, but no offer of help and to be honest I have given up expecting her to care or to help. I did tell her in the end about the diagnosis, my dh said I must given how serious it could be. She went nc again and has been ever since. I have texted her to ask her why she is ignoring again (again at a moment of great anguish I have 2 kids and I am dealing with so much at the moment this is the very last thing I need) and she told me she was a coward (!!) and couldn't face it. But she could face booking a holiday to Spain for a few weeks without a thought.

I have just been given the all clear. We are so relieved (an understatement).But where do I go from now? I feel so let down, I just can't get over it. I have thought about my childhood, my love for her, and I miss her so much some days now that she is not in my life in any capacity. I can't go back to how I felt about her before, she has actually broken my heart if that is possible.

Do you think I am unreasonable to expect her support or for her to care about me? I am so confused, we were previously a close family (dad was violent to us but my mother has always been kind to me)

ugh. I had to stop reading the comments because MN almost (but not always) often can't grasp how completely shithouse some mothers can be.

From the limited information you've given - your mother sounds crap. Totally crap. She let you down.

So what if she was freaking out that you were sick - she put her own emotional needs above yours.

Im biased because my mother let me down catastrophically the only time I ever actually needed her help. I'm NC now (its more complex than that).

The thing is that you have to think not only about now but longer term when I can almost guarantee you she'll be very communicative about what she needs when she gets older. Have a think about how you want that to pan out and I think that should inform what you do now.

Hell would freeze over before I help my mother no matter how old she gets - but my situation is quite extreme and complex and not sure if yours falls into that spectrum.

Ughs to you - this sucks. x

aaarrrggghhhh the one sentence you have posted is how I feel about my childhood and life where she is concerned.

she put her own emotional needs above yours she always did, and she probably always will. I could be stretched out dying in front of her and it would still be all about her.

I don't think I can live with it any longer. Not when I am going through so much myself (I can't go into it all, too outing) her emotional needs feel like they could tip me over the edge.

I have been her mother for years, not the other way around.

I have a totally useless mother who when was in a similar situation to you, didn't bother even texting to check i was alive after major surgery. so, on one level i really understand your hurt.
however, if she is married to an abusive man, there may be things going on with her that you have no idea about. maybe he said to her coming back, maybe she is emotional destroyed herself after years with him. she came at first, so clearly something happened to stop her contacting you. its very very difficult caring for a sick relative/being the one picking up the pieces and i can't really blame her for not being able to cope with that. You say you didn't want her to come and help, but then you also say 'why didn't she come?' so its clear there is some amount of expectation there, which i'm not saying is wrong. but you need to be clear on what it is you think/want. and what exactly you are mad about if you have any hope of sorting it out.

I don't really know where i'm going other than....it is what it is....so unless you want to sit and try and work this out with her, you have to let it go for your own MH.

You're in mourning for the mother you think that you deserve. That mother does not exist, You do deserve a loving mother, everybody does, but the very sad fact is that you don't have one. And you can't change that. Or her. All you can do is change your expectations of her, and how you interact with her. Which, to some extent, means letting her go. It is heartbreaking. I hope you find a way forward from this.

I have been her mother for years, not the other way around.

Then you're not losing much at all if you go no contact

My mother sounds very like yours. I have been let down in similar ways- both when I was critically ill, when my baby died and when my toddler was very ill and in hospital. In none of these cases did she visit or call, but they were definitely all about her and she milked the situations for all the sympathy she could (from her friends, for whom she would go to the ends of the earth).
Now, the only way I can tolerate her at all is to remember that she doesn't have what I need from her. Whatever it is that would make her a good and supportive mother is just missing from her. That isn't her fault, but it isn't mine either. There are people who do care about me and who will help me (as I help them), but none of those people are blood relatives.
I'd have preferred a nice, loving mother, but it is what it is.

TheOriginalEmu

I think it would have been nice if she had come, but accept that not everyone can always do everything. So yes I would have been there for my dc, but I don't 'expect' her to come.

She was never looking after me, she simply babysat in the evenings. The dc were at school, we hired a cleaner daily, she didn't do a thing, so not especially tiring beyond putting them to bed with a story. All school runs and housework etc was done. We did SO she wouldn't feel stressed or overworked.

You are right about my df, but I have asked her so many times if she is okay and she tells me she is fine.

Big big hugs OP. She does sound mentally unwell and saying she should do xyz might just be like saying a depressed person "should" be happy. Not that her being mentally unwell would make the situation any easier for you to deal with, and if distancing yourself is what you need to do for your own self then that's what you need to do. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like she'll change anytime soon. It sounds like you have a lot of support from your DH and friends which is wonderful. But it sucks your mum isn't amongst the people you can count on.

Wildgarlic yep the things you describe sound exactly like my mum and like a narc. Everything is about them and everything is negative. It is exhausting and it takes years to get your head around it. I recommend a google for a book on being the child of a narc and please do try to get counselling.

You need help to decide whether you can manage a relationship with her or whether it is better to have nc and mourn the loss of the relationship - which you will have to do. You also have to consider whether your children are better off without their GM or whether you can cope with limited contact.

well glad and sad that resonated with you.

my entire life has been dominated by my mothers emotional needs and it is taking me YEARS to painfully unpick it all.

you're totally allowed to just tell her to fuck right off (you don't actually have to tell her that of course). you owe her exactly nothing.

I put up with soooooooooooooooo much emotional manipulation and crap until she finally went too far (or rather didn't go anywhere near) when I actually had a genuine need for help. And for me that was it. Im actually glad she did because it was so clearly a crap thing to do that it has helped me to come out of the fog I was in.

its not easy. very far from it. but my life is significantly better now and improving.

be aware though that it is impossible for people who havent had god awful parents to understand.

I read earlier in the thread - when I had to then stop reading it - something about there being a "mountain of love between you both". There really quite possibly isn't. Some mothers are just selfish and incapable. There are of course likely to be their own sad reasons for that. Whatever, thats a reason not an excuse and not your problem.

of course I've only read what you've said so only you can know your circa. But totally the notion that your mother is selfish and not doing what a good mother should do is totally credible.

jamoncrumpet i recognise I am grieving. I am unbelievably sad. I imagined rather stupidly that at some point, a lightbulb moment would happen and she would make amends. I know she is not there.

Your mother's behaviour sounds inexcusable and no wonder you are so hurt. It may be there is more going on than you know. It could be she is struggling with something herself, can't cope with illness or adversity because she hasn't' any resilience. I find it extraordinary that she wouldn't get in touch to see how you are at least.
My mother has behaved very badly when I was at my lowest ebb on several occasions. She has also been completely unsupportive to a sibling who was going through a horrendous experience. She just doesn't seem able to empathise or cope, she just blanks things out or minimises or is downright nasty.
I don\t know how you can get through this except to sit her down and ask for a proper explanation. If she mentions a nervous breakdown, ask for more details, ask her to really help you understand,, and tell her how you feel about her behaviour. If she won't listen or talk, it looks like your relationship is not really worth much. Incredibly painful to accept, but perhaps it's just the truth.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I don't honestly know how you have come back from that. Really all credit to you for finding a way through what must have been the darkest moment of any mother's life. For you, clearly having limited contact works best, and you don't need any more pain in your life after that.

I do feel for you OP. I lost a wonderful and loving mother in my twenties. I honestly think grieving for her was easier than spending my whole life grieving for a person that's still alive and emotionally unavailable. I had 28 years of a lovely mum. Some people have 70 years of an awful mum. I'll take my 28 years and cherish them.

SurfingUSA I think she would be a reasonably good influence on my dc, but they like seeing me cry in the loo when she lets me down, they don't like seeing my sadness. So although I would love for my dc to have a granny to enjoy and be close to, it is not easy to achieve, and I think prefer a happy, balanced mum more than anything else.

My parents have the capacity to suck out the joy of even the happiest of occasions, so it usually ends in recriminations and sadness on my part. Nothing is ever good enough (my dad) my car isn't washed enough, my job isn't paying enough, my children aren't blonde anymore etc.

My life is terrible (my mum) do you know what happened to me last week (my mum) the world is going to hell in a handcart (my mum)

Wild garlic sorry I wrote a whole response and then lost it somehow. In short, I decided to keep a relationship with my mum and she then she started to treat my dcs the way she treats me. We now have a distant polite relationship. I will not let her affect my dcs.

My mum ruined my graduation, wedding day, birth of my first dc etc. Etc. It broke my heart.

Thank you for your replies everyone. I appreciate every one of them. I will come back on later and reflect on what has been said and work out what I will do. If it is immeasurably helpful to have so many views, and to consider things I would not have thought about.

I am going to tuck in my little ones now and be glad I have them to hold, and try not to think about the things I don't have. Thank you everyone.

OP, the other week I found myself writing a small piece about my mother entitled "How do you think that makes me feel" because generally when something awful happened in my life it was all about her. A really bad thing happened when I was an adolescent and I didn't tell anyone because I honestly thought it was all on me, when I got to my twenties there was something I saw that made me realise that it wasn't me and I wasn't alone. My DSF had realised "the thing" and talked to my mother about it. She called me to ask if he had got it right, I told her he had and then it was all "why didn't you tell me, how do you think that makes me feel!" and I heard that phrase over and over again.

We reached some sort of acceptance in our relationship in the final four years of her life (she died when I was 34), but the acceptance was on my part. I realised that she was pretty useless and I could either accept that or not have her in my life. The last four years were pretty good, but so was much of my life at the time which probably helped. But she was never with me through things that make us all want our mother or father to reach out and hold us through. I've also realised in the years since she died that the acceptance I thought I had was pretty half-baked. I have dreams about her being horrible, I wrote the piece because I realise I am still angry with her for being the way she was with me. Just not there when I needed her, and I was always there when she needed me.

I think your mother's behaviour is awful. I get that she was tired after looking after the children, that maybe she couldn't face coming down again, but you were maybe dying, you could have died and yet nothing at all, not a text, a letter, a phone call. Nothing. That is cold and uncaring. My mother was not there for my mental health issues - some of which she was probably to blame for, frankly, but not all - which I found hard to forgive, but you were on the verge of death! I cannot imagine doing what she did, not being even a tiny bit there. Just gone from your life when you and your DH and your DC needed her most. Would I be able to forgive that? I'm really not sure at all. Maybe, but I'd never trust her again, I'd never turn to her again, I'd never feel that she was the mother I deserved.

If you can forgive her, then do it, but never rely on her for anything again. I am so glad that you have a solid DH and clearly some great friends. Remember friends can be family too.

Oh and I'm so happy that you've got the all clear. That must be a huge relief. Take good care of you and yours and take time to decide who and what she is in your life. If you decide that she takes more away from your life than she puts into it, then move on. You have all the love you need away from her and people you can trust, and can rely on.

Oh Op how dreadfully sad for you. Yes I believe your heart can be broken by this. Be good to yourself. I think you need to put pen to paper and write it all down in a letter to her. How sad you are, heartbroken, your childhood memories - just let it all pour out and ask her to tell you why. What happened.

I think that will do you the world of good to let it out and post to her. If Shen chooses not to reply then I have no words but I hope she would. Letters are powerful things.

Hug x

Do you think that your DF prevented her from coming to you and she felt torn/couldn't admit to you that he would not let her come and be with you while you were ill. She may have buried her head in the sand instead of standing up to your father. I think you have to find peace with the fact that she is not going to be the mother you want or deserve, however she is your mother and maybe you need to accept what she is so that you can move on. It sounds like you have a great husband, focus on your family and perhaps keep your mum and dad at arms length.

she wore a bridal dress to my wedding

This insight encapsulates your narcissistic mother in a nutshell, OP. That is insanely inappropriate behavior from a mother at her daughter's wedding but if you have grown up with someone who is that narcissistic then you probably accepted it as 'just the way mum is' at the time.

Your mother is toxic and your father too, by the sounds of it. That's heartbreaking for you but the sooner you accept it and move on, the sooner you will feel better. At the moment, you're still stuck in a mindset of expecting 'kindness' from your mother, in comparison to your father's aggression and violence. She's the 'good cop' while he's the bad cop.

You need to figure out why you're still expecting kindness from her after so many terrible times when she let you down.

My parents are similarly self-absorbed and I had the same dynamic with an aggressive, short-tempered father and narcissistic, childish mother. They let me down badly when I had my first child and they came to visit to 'help' but instead fell out with me after 2 days and ended up standing in my kitchen screaming at me and losing their minds because apparently I wasn't being respectful or hospitable enough to them, 1 week postpartum, and I was being selfish by trying to take care of my newborn instead of focusing on them and what a long way they had come to see me.

I was heartbroken by this experience for a long time. Now, 6 years later, I have managed to move on as I decided at some point that they are who they are and I now have no expectations of them as parents. I would love to have caring, hands-on grandparents for my children but I don't and that's the way it is.

At the time, someone recommended this book to me and it helped me a lot in the months after their visit to come to terms with who they were as parents and figure it out. That and a few months with a therapist for counseling too, which I also highly recommend to you.
Toxic Parents

Ravenesque - oh god I so totally understand that scenario.

"But what's important here is how you feeling bad MAKES ME FEEL"

I have a zillion examples of that. It is soul destroying and so very very confusing.

Jamoncrumpets are you a therapist? What you posted to wildgarlic is exactly what my therapist said to me. It was the most helpful thing to hear. The recognition that mothers can just be defective as parents and accepting that, as hard as it is to do.

I can’t believe the lazy fucking parents on this thread trying to excuse this woman’s behaviour. If one of my children was going to have major life threatening surgery or had a cancer scare I would be doing ANYTHING I possibly could to help. No damn way would I not speak to them for four months. Some people just shouldn’t be parents imo. I’m so sorry you’re facing this without your mum op. I am also nc with my mum, some similarities in your story to mine.