Crushed by my own mother

[wildgarlicflowers]

I have nc for obvious reasons, but I badly need some advice about my parents.

A few years ago I had major major surgery, my dm came to look after my dc (7 and 10 at the time) all went well until the last day when she went home (with a big thank you, a huge bunch of flowers etc and all was well) but that night I had a severe complication in the hospital and it was life threatening. My dh pleaded with my dm to come back as I was so severely ill he needed them with the kids so he could focus on me but my parents said no my dm was too tired. It was a long drive of around 80 miles but we were in dire straits. We got through it with the help of our amazing friends.

This hurt me a great deal at the time that she did not come or call, but I was too ill to care or really know. A few weeks went by and I started to get better and realised that she had not called or rang me, not so much as a text to see how I was. I was too weak to care and a month passed, and then another month and then another. By this time I was feeling pretty much incredulous that she did not seem to care and had basically gone nc.

Eventually I got in touch with her, and we had words about what had happened and she said she had a nervous breakdown and that is why she didn't call (I have since found out that this is a lie) Since then we have really struggled to have the good relationship we had before. I feel so let down by her. Lied to, abandoned at such a crucial point in my life, and yes I suppose I thought she would always be there for me. The trust has basically gone.

Fast forward to this xmas ( a couple of years later) and although still on contact regularly with my parents but not seeing so much of them because it felt more strained than before. I broke my leg, no big deal I struggled by with the help of great friends, but then was told they had spotted a tumour and it may be cancer.

To this point my dm had been sending me the odd text from her holidays etc, but no offer of help and to be honest I have given up expecting her to care or to help. I did tell her in the end about the diagnosis, my dh said I must given how serious it could be. She went nc again and has been ever since. I have texted her to ask her why she is ignoring again (again at a moment of great anguish I have 2 kids and I am dealing with so much at the moment this is the very last thing I need) and she told me she was a coward (!!) and couldn't face it. But she could face booking a holiday to Spain for a few weeks without a thought.

I have just been given the all clear. We are so relieved (an understatement).But where do I go from now? I feel so let down, I just can't get over it. I have thought about my childhood, my love for her, and I miss her so much some days now that she is not in my life in any capacity. I can't go back to how I felt about her before, she has actually broken my heart if that is possible.

Do you think I am unreasonable to expect her support or for her to care about me? I am so confused, we were previously a close family (dad was violent to us but my mother has always been kind to me)

I haven't read the whole thread yet just the 1st page. Firstly, it's completely understandable that you feel let down and abandoned by your mum. I can only imagine how frightening being so ill has been for you. Especially when you have children and you're worried that you won't be around for them. On the other hand you have posted that your father was violent and because of his behavior towards your children you try to avoid him. Clearly he hasn't changed much, abusers rarely do. Your mum still lives with him, she is an ongoing victim of domestic violence. Living in that kind of situation changes you, it changes the way you think and perceive the world. I wouldn't be surprised if she were living in a state of constant fear and anxiety. That kind of fear and anxiety is paralyzing and victims often isolate themselves away from the people that they love. You were a victim of an abusive father, she an abusive husband. You both need a great deal of support and empathy to be able to move on from here.

Fwiw I have been nc with my own mother and family for years for my own safety and well-being. For my dc safety and well-being I have not told anyone in my family that she exists. It helps me to have empathy and understanding for why my mother is the way she is but it doesn't mean that I excuse her behavior or minimise it or let it continue in my life. I made the decision to go nc myself and didn't make this decision lightly or with anyone else's input. It hurt and I felt grief. I would never tell someone to go nc as it is an extremely personal decision that someone has to make themselves. I wish you all the best Op.

She sounds ‘weak’. Some people are I’m sorry - it’s hard when you need support.

With respect, 'weak' is a pretty lame word to describe someone so chronically self-absorbed.

Now this thread is dividing me, the mother in me would do anything for my children, be there whenever they needed me. The daughter me knows that my mum would be exhausted if she had to look after young children for a week and I couldn’t ask her to do it, as much as she would want to. Whenever she comes round she starts doing a bit of housework and I firmly tell her that she’s not here to do the dishes and to sit down. I can see how your mother may have been exhausted OP, something had to happen for a once great relationship to turn sour. You really need to talk to her about what went wrong.

I agree with pp who have said that she's in an abusive relationship with your dad who doesn't want her to help you. You have, understandably, focused on her because she's your mum but I don't think she can help you. She couldn't protect you when you were a child.

Terrible situation for you all. .

Do you think bastardkitty? I always see (& use) weak as a terrible slur. I was worried it was too cruel (think I’d hate to be called weak more than anything). So in my mind I wasn’t underplaying it - even if it does sound a mild response.

I do think it’s terribly sad when people we relied upon turn out to be weak when we really need them. Heartbreaking tbh. It’s also something I find hard to forgive (& I’m generally very laid back). It does change things.

As usual with threads like this, there are the posters who have been through similar and totally "get it" and the ones who haven't got a fucking clue what narc parents are like and seem unable to grasp that they could possibly just be the way they are.

wildgarlic - so sorry your mother has let you down again. Seems like she always will, whether it's down to your father's influence or her own personality - either way, she's not available to you as a caring mother. Her own needs will always come first with her.
I think going low contact with her, or even just waiting for her to contact you again, is the best way forward - and even though it seems as if talking this out with a counsellor would be just far too painful, look at it like debriding a festering wound. Wounds can "heal" over continuing infection, but they never really heal properly - the infection is still there, the pus still lurking below the surface. It hurts to open the wound up and clean all the shit out that's in there, but once the wound is properly clean, then true healing can start.
And actually, when the wound is like it currently is, open and hurting already, is the best time to start the debridement - saves one step.

(((hugs))) for you

And my opening of the last post wasn't aimed at the most recent posters - should have refreshed from where I was up to before I posted. Sorry.

Devilishpyjamas sorry for being snippy. Weak is just a bit rubbish, from my perpective, rather than nasty or malicious. To me she sounds more actively self centred and cruel with no care for the OP.

Your mum still lives with him, she is an ongoing victim of domestic violence. Living in that kind of situation changes you

I think this is a fair point. I think it probably has changed the mother but only to become more like the father in their emotionally abusive microcosm. She was an enabler letting the op down in childhood to favour of the father. But as time goes on when does enabling become narcissism itself? When you are always the victim? When you choose to hurt your children by always allowing the silent treatment and withdrawal?

The dynamics of my upbringing was absusive narc dad and enabling narc mum. When the mum takes the narcs point of view year after year it becomes her own point of view in a blended awful conction. It can be even more akin to gaslighting as you beg she her to the truth but denies it endless times until she becomes intrenched in manipulation of her own doing.

Typos. *beg her to see the truth but she