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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let ex come to antenatal appointments (except for scans)

116 replies

Apprehensiveone · 11/05/2018 11:31

He thinks he has rights because it’s his baby but since (very recently) discovering I’m pg he’s gone from being happy to being unbearable to the point where we’ve split up and he’s (I think) harassing me.
He kept starting rows, asking if the baby is definitely his and not believing me when I said yes. Then checking my phone and checking that I’m in work when I say I am. Arguing that I should go out with him at night to the pub when I just want to stay home and sleep.
So I told him we can’t be together anymore.
He went out and got drunk and sent me messages saying sorry and that he wants to be together. I said I didn’t want to talk about it as I don’t feel the same. So he changed his attitude and threatened to come to my (ground floor) flat and smash all the windows with bricks which he hopes will hit me! I spent that entire night scared that he would come and try to hurt me. My mum said I should have reported him to the police but I didn’t.
My first antenatal appointment is tonight and he’s insisting on coming with me, he’s apologised and said that ‘of course I wouldn’t really want to hurt you, I was just drunk’
My mum is taking me to my appointment but he keeps messaging me telling me that he’ll be there waiting when I get there.
I’ve asked him not to do that and not to keep messaging me because I don’t want to feel stressed while pg but he isn’t stopping.
I’m nbu asking him to keep his distance am I?

OP posts:
ArfArfBarf · 11/05/2018 11:33

I’d be reporting him to the police over the threats he’s made.

He has no entitlement to be at any of your appointments, scans or the birth.

SometimesMaybe · 11/05/2018 11:34

No - it’s your antenatal appointment, he does not need to be there.

Make sure you tell the midwife the situation too so she can support you.

CloudCaptain · 11/05/2018 11:35

Yanbu. He has no rights. Talk to your midwife and call women's aid for advice. I would be rethinking putting him on the birth certificate but not sure if that is exactly legal. He sounds unhinged and dangerous. Can you stay with your mum for a bit?

mummabubs · 11/05/2018 11:39

As others have said- the appointment is under your name so legally he has no rights to be there whatsoever- you're the patient! (I find it helps to view it this way). Hospital staff and security can refuse to let him in if you say he's not to come in if he does show up. I'd be inclined to report to police too via 111 just in case things escalate as then you've got an official record. But to reiterate, he has no right to attend your appointments, that's entirely up to you. X

SamHeughansLeftEyebrow · 11/05/2018 11:44

He has no right to be there. If I recall correctly, the first appointment particularly, they like to see the mother on her own. Lots of questions about relationship status and exploring if she is at risk of DV. In your situation, it is particularly important that you make them aware of the situation and the threats he has made.

Starlight2345 · 11/05/2018 11:51

yes.. you do need to report incident to the police.. This creates a trail if things escalate.

is this a hospital or Dr's appointment. I would be tempted to phone either and ask to rearrange and explain why.

He has no rights to scans either. While it is his baby he has no rights what so ever while he/she is growing inside you.

kissthealderman · 11/05/2018 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

userabcname · 11/05/2018 11:55

No he has no right to be anywhere near you. Can you ring your midwife and explain the situation- she may be able to re-arrange the appointment time?

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/05/2018 12:00

If he does push his way into your booking in apt your midwife will at some point request that he leave and ask you if all is well, they did this with DH and I. You can then tell her exactly what’s going on.

You absolutely do not have to accept his presence at any appointment.

kitkatsky · 11/05/2018 12:00

You need to deal with this now. This is control and you need to ensure safety for you and your baby. Please tell your midwife the situation and the police and contact women's aid. They can really support you and help you pre-empt his behaviour. I think you're in for a tough time here tho. Document everything- sounds like you're going to need it

Juiceylucy09 · 11/05/2018 12:01

He seems dangerous. Do you live alone? Can you stay with your mam, I would definitely see the Police to report his behavior so far. Has he been in trouble with the police before. I am only asking to see if a police visit would frighten or anger him.Take care of yourself

Original poster
Apprehensiveone · 11/05/2018 12:02

Thanks everyone, I think you all make good points and deep down I know I’m right to tell him to stay away. I’m pretty devastated as I was hoping to be a happy family. He keeps saying we still could be if I’d stop overreacting and I end up questioning myself as to whether I am.
I’m still so happy to become a mother and just want to make things work even though we’re not together which is why I’ve said he can come to the scans as I know they’re really special but he says that’s not good enough and he wants to be ‘fully involved’ and I have no right to stop him.
I can’t stay at my mums because her flat is already too small for them.
Would the police do anything? It was just the one text that contained the threat, all of the others are apologetic and or having a go at me for ‘ruining our child’s future’ by ending our relationship.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 11/05/2018 12:03

Cease contact with him.

He has no right to be at ANY of your medical appointments and that includes scans. He also has no right to be at the birth. He only has the right to be at these things if you are comfortable with him there and willingly invite him without coercion. Even if you are comfortable and invite him you have the absolute right to request he leave at any point during an appointment/scan/birth. Don’t let him tell you he has rights, he does not.

In fact he doesn’t even have any rights until after the baby is born and is discharged. Even then, if you choose to leave him off the birth cert he has no rights at all and is not entitled to any access unless he chooses to take it to court and have an order made enforcing rights and stipulating what his access would be which would be quite limited in the early years.

Ensure you keep any threatening texts, emails, voice messages and go to the police with each one.

mumlife101 · 11/05/2018 12:05

I don't think it's a good idea to be shutting him out at this early stage. He sounds like his hurting after the break up & has made mistakes when drunk, he is human we all do stupid things. But this is also his child... & if you want him to be a father when the baby is born you should try & let him be involved during the pregnancy. Tell him you were scared when he was making those threats & if he ever does anything like that again it's going to be really hard to trust him to co-parent. But in all honesty I don't think he has done anything that bad & it comes across as a bit controlling to be banning him from appointments already. Your child will benefit from having a father around so you need to try really hard to make it work & so does he, for your child's sake.

HoppingPavlova · 11/05/2018 12:07

Forgot to add, don’t hesitate to tell any healthcare professional if he shows up and you don’t want him there or if you have invited him and during you change your mind, ask him to leave and he doesn’t. They are all well used to it and will give him the option to leave it security will be called to remove him. They fully understand, won’t be hesitant about doing this and unfortunately are well experienced in it as it happens frequently. Don’t be embarrassed.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/05/2018 12:10

That's really bad advice mumlife. He threatened to smash the windows in her flat and hoped the bricks would hit her. Even prior ymto the break up, he was hou g through her phone and checking her whereabouts. That's domestic abuse. You should be ashamed of yourself for minimising and excusing it.

FourFlapjacksPlease · 11/05/2018 12:13

mumlife101 - I think that is possibly the worst advice I have ever read on mumsnet!

OP - you must report this to the police and tell your midwife too. Trust your instincts on this. A loving partner doesn't make threats, try and control where you are and who you're with or disrespect your requests to be left alone.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I reckon you'll be a lovely mum, and a much happier one if you're not in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/05/2018 12:14

Apprehensiveone the best thing you can do is report this and keep him off the biryh certificate. Once he is on it, he has legal parental responsibility and that makes your life much harder. Create the paper trail of his behaviour now - it's the best way to protect yourself and the baby. Keep all texts and email them to a safe back up where he doesn't have the password. You really do need to speak to the police and women's aid and your midwife. Don't let him or that dozy mare upthread, minimise the seriousness of his behaviour.

RomeoBunny · 11/05/2018 12:14

You want a child to have that father? I'd be making sone tough decisions.

RomeoBunny · 11/05/2018 12:14

*some. I hate this phone!

HoppingPavlova · 11/05/2018 12:15

mumlife101 - no one has any obligation to have anyone they are not comfortable with them in any health care appointment or setting. That extends to husbands, wives etc for ANY type of appointment, not just things related to pregnancy. It’s a really simple concept.

I have even asked my DH to leave in the middle of an appointment - he was there as I was having an op which would entail a huge amount of rehab afterwards so he wanted that sort of information and originally I was happy for him to be there. He started to ask questions that I felt were taking the appointment off track so I nicely asked him to leave. That’s my right. I enforced it. If he didn’t it is the healthcare professionals obligation to enforce it.

The OP is not obliged to do anything they are not completely comfortable with.

RomeoBunny · 11/05/2018 12:15

Also for the live of god DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. Look to move address. Change your number.

OddS0ck · 11/05/2018 12:16

Not that bad? Ffs!
He repeatedly questioned OP as to whether he was the baby's father, checked her phone, checked her whereaboutsuntil eventually it became unbearable and OP split with him.

Then he got drunk and threatened to throw bricks through her windows, hoping one of them hits her.

He's harassed her with endless calls and texts and now he wants to be present at every ante-natal appointment, whether OP likes it or not, because he "has rights'.

Not that bad? Just how low is the bar for his behaviour?

OP I suggest you contact 101 for some advice about his threats and harassment. He has made you feel afraid which is totally unacceptable at any time let alone when you are pregnant. I think his recent behaviour has made it crystal clear you made the right choice by ending your relationship. Now you need to draw firm boundaries and enforce them.

You get to decide the level of his involvement with your pregnancy. He sounds controlling and very immature. Good call ending things.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 11/05/2018 12:16

Don't listen to mumlife, your body, your rights. He needs to earn his and is this far not doing a very good job.

PositivelyPERF · 11/05/2018 12:18

mumlife101 absolute bullshit! You’re actually telling a woman that has been abused and controlled by her scummy bf that it’s HER fault. Wise the fuck up.

If you can’t change your appointment, go at least and hour early and explain to staff that you have an abusive ex that is going to demand access. Maybe they can keep you somewhere more discrete until the appointment. I didn’t work in maternity, but in my hospital workplace we’ve had security put on the door, because of a similar situation.

Keep him off the birth certificate and for goodness sake make sure the baby has YOUR name, not even a double name. Otherwise you could have trouble if you want to travel and your baby has a different name from you. Keep this man out of your life. He can apply to the courts to have contact with your baby if he wants to be in her/his life. He’s using your pregnancy to control you.