To not let ex come to antenatal appointments (except for scans)

[Apprehensiveone]

He thinks he has rights because it’s his baby but since (very recently) discovering I’m pg he’s gone from being happy to being unbearable to the point where we’ve split up and he’s (I think) harassing me.
He kept starting rows, asking if the baby is definitely his and not believing me when I said yes. Then checking my phone and checking that I’m in work when I say I am. Arguing that I should go out with him at night to the pub when I just want to stay home and sleep.
So I told him we can’t be together anymore.
He went out and got drunk and sent me messages saying sorry and that he wants to be together. I said I didn’t want to talk about it as I don’t feel the same. So he changed his attitude and threatened to come to my (ground floor) flat and smash all the windows with bricks which he hopes will hit me! I spent that entire night scared that he would come and try to hurt me. My mum said I should have reported him to the police but I didn’t.
My first antenatal appointment is tonight and he’s insisting on coming with me, he’s apologised and said that ‘of course I wouldn’t really want to hurt you, I was just drunk’
My mum is taking me to my appointment but he keeps messaging me telling me that he’ll be there waiting when I get there.
I’ve asked him not to do that and not to keep messaging me because I don’t want to feel stressed while pg but he isn’t stopping.
I’m nbu asking him to keep his distance am I?

AdaTwist
At my 12 week scan they asked to do an internal scan to get a better angle for measuring the baby. It wasn't much fun, and I didn't feel I Could say no (though being older and bolshier now, I probably would). How would you feel about being naked from the waist down with your ex in the room? It's worth considering before deciding whether to allow him to come.

My 16 year old says this! The Father is 19 and got a new GF between sleeping with my daughter and her finding out she was pregnant.

She doesn't blame him, she is quite open that she chose to have sex and she knew the consequences. However, I don't think she anticipated that the consequences would include him (in text, as he hasn't come to meet us 11 weeks on)

a. That he be allowed at all appointments.
b. baby must have his surname.
c. She must not date or socialise whilst pregnant with HIS baby
d. He must be allowed to attend the birth (that's the law innit, according to him. How we laughed!)

Other than these text instructions she hears nothing from him, and she's fairly bright and has already decided she would be very uncomfy having a man she's not in a relationship with attend the delivery.

When little one arrives we'll see how he steps up, and go from there. Until then, it's her choice.

www.victimsupport.org.uk/
Recognising the signs of domestic abuse
All relationships are different. There isn’t such a thing as a ‘normal’ relationship, but there are healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships. If you feel unsafe or recognise any of the negative signs below, take action.

We support all survivors of domestic abuse, regardless of whether the abuse has been reported or when it took place. Our support services are free, confidential and available to anyone who has experienced domestic violence.

Signs of a healthy relationship
They always treat me with respect, no matter where we are or who we’re with.
They’re proud of me when I achieve something.
They encourage me to keep trying with things I find hard.
They’re comfortable with me spending time away from them, with family and other friends.
They try to do some of the things I like, such as sports, cinema and music.
They respect me when I say no or disagree.
They can talk about their feelings with me.
They don’t cheat on me, and trust me not to cheat on them.
They listen to me when we disagree and try to see my point of view.
They give me compliments and say positive things about me to others.
They have friends and interests of their own.
They don’t rush our relationship; we can take it slow.
They ask my opinion when deciding important things that affect us both.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship
They make threats and do things just to scare me.
They put me down just to make me feel bad when we’re alone or around friends.
They make me do things that I don’t want to do without listening to me.
They make me feel guilty if I don’t spend time with them.
They don’t try to get on with my friends or family.
They hit, slap or push me.
They look through my phone, social media or web history.
They want to know where I am all the time.
They cheat on me or accuse me of cheating on them.
They steal from me or make me buy them things.
They make me have sex when I don’t want to.

I copied and pasted the above post from victim support website. I hope it helps.

Right, you've made the decision to keep the child, now you owe it to that child to make their life as abuse free as possible.

You do this by preempting anything your ex might come up with. You must inform your midwife, they have a right to be protected from his abuse if he does decide to randomly turn up and try to bully his way into your appointments. They deserve a safe working environment too and it isn't fair to keep this information from them. He has no rights to be at any of your antenatal appointments or the birth.

You need to inform the police of his threats as the midwife may decide you are at risk from harm from your ex and therefore so is your unborn child and may refer you to social services for extra support. Do not be afraid of this, engage with all your heart. They will want to know what steps you are taking to ensure your child is safe. This can be achieved while also enabling your ex to play a part in your childs life. Reporting to the police also shows you are taking this seriously and doing what's best to protect the child and not putting his feelings above your childs safety.
Go to Womens Aid and get all the help you can from them. You've done well to break away from him but there are unacceptable behaviours you are still willing to massively downplay.

Get legal advice so you can have contact sorted legally. Probably contact centres at first and a small baby still dependent on its mother is not going to be old enough for overnight contact, that is in no way suitable and for further down the line. This will prevent any nasty situations form being drawn out further.

Do not put him on the birth certificate, that will give him PR, which many abuse. Look through here and see how many parents are in despair because their ex blocks school moves which would benefit the child, holidays and house moves. If residence has not been sorted legally there is nothing to stop him just refusing to hand the child back and if he has PR the police can do nothing. Then you are in a situation where you have to go to court to sort it, but the longer the delay, the more likely the court is to want to maintain the current status quo and not disrupt the child further.

Although mediation may be suggested, its always advisable not to engage in mediation with an abuser as they often use the setting as just another opportunity to exert their authority and brow beat you in to getting what they want.

Everything has to be approached from the view of what is in the childs best interests. Sometimes they will coincide with his wishes and sometimes not. The more legal framework you get in place the easier things will be in the long run. Hope for the best by all means but please prepare for the worst.

We don't want to see you post on here in a couple of years having gone along with his wishes to keep him happy, thinking it's also what's best for the child and he's now decided for some frivolous that you're an unfit mother and is refusing to return the child, the police are saying they can do nothing and you have no idea where your child is because the ex has spirited him away to relatives in the hopes that things take so long to get sorted in the courts that they decide it's now more of an upheaval to return the child to you.

There is support for you and your baby when he or she comes into the world. It is not how you envisioned starting your family but there is nothing you can do to change this man. Think about all you can do to protect you and your little one now and have a plan before you give birth. Look after yourself, enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy being a mum. I wish you all the best. Don't let anyone push you into anything that you don't want to do.

He has no rights to do anything you don’t want home to.

FWIW my dp and I are still together and happy but he didn’t come to any appointments with me at all

I didn't take my husband to my antenatal appointments!!! I can't imagine why he'd want to go to talk about my blood pressure and need to wee all the time. There was the odd bit of baby heartbeat checking but he was fine to be told "heart beat was ok". I took him to scans but had he been an ex I would certainly not have done.

Antenatal appointments are personal and often intimate details are discussed.

The only people who need to be at a scan are the mother to be and the unborn child.... no one else.
Of course. People.may want the partner there but they are not needed in any medical way. There is nothing to test the father for at that stage.

So you have no need to tell him of your appts at all.

My dh only attended scans and delivery. I couldn’t imagine wanting an ex at any of those things you need someone supportive. If heaven forbid there is something wrong on a scan or at delivery you need someone who will support you not someone who may wel try and blame you. The Midwife’s regardless of who is with you will want to see you alone at certain appointments to ask about possible domestic violence.

@Rachie1973 for you and for your DD! She’s lucky to have you to chuckle at the text demands with hope all goes well for you!

He has no rights and you should report him. Drunk is NO EXCUSE for his behaviour.

Ok so I would block his number/social media accounts and if you can, change your number (I had to do this after blocking an abusive ex who kept using other phones to call me). Keep any evidence of threats and inform the police. Do not communicate with him again, not even when the baby is born. If possible, move house. That may sound drastic but you need to keep yourself and your baby safe and while he knows where you live, you possibly aren’t. Do NOT put him on the birth certificate, don’t even tell him the baby has been born. Keep your head down and hopefully he disappears. You need to be safe and you won’t be with him in your life. Good luck OP .

NightAndShiningArmour

LOL ty x

An absent father would be better than a man who threatens his pregnant gf regardless of whether he is drunk or not, and this shouldn't be excused or played down.

Domestic violence always escalates. He has no right to be there if you don't want him there.

Rachie
OMG what a tosser! Does he really think he has the right to control your dd? Wow not the brightest button in the box is he?

Hope all goes well for your dd. She is lucky she has you to support her against such insane nonsense.