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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let ex come to antenatal appointments (except for scans)

116 replies

Apprehensiveone · 11/05/2018 11:31

He thinks he has rights because it’s his baby but since (very recently) discovering I’m pg he’s gone from being happy to being unbearable to the point where we’ve split up and he’s (I think) harassing me.
He kept starting rows, asking if the baby is definitely his and not believing me when I said yes. Then checking my phone and checking that I’m in work when I say I am. Arguing that I should go out with him at night to the pub when I just want to stay home and sleep.
So I told him we can’t be together anymore.
He went out and got drunk and sent me messages saying sorry and that he wants to be together. I said I didn’t want to talk about it as I don’t feel the same. So he changed his attitude and threatened to come to my (ground floor) flat and smash all the windows with bricks which he hopes will hit me! I spent that entire night scared that he would come and try to hurt me. My mum said I should have reported him to the police but I didn’t.
My first antenatal appointment is tonight and he’s insisting on coming with me, he’s apologised and said that ‘of course I wouldn’t really want to hurt you, I was just drunk’
My mum is taking me to my appointment but he keeps messaging me telling me that he’ll be there waiting when I get there.
I’ve asked him not to do that and not to keep messaging me because I don’t want to feel stressed while pg but he isn’t stopping.
I’m nbu asking him to keep his distance am I?

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 11/05/2018 12:35

He's a shitbag. Report his threats to your midwife and to the police DV unit, cut all contact with him and leave him off the birth certificate.
He has no rights at all until the baby is born; no right to be at your appointment, no right to any involvement in your pregnancy, no right to be at the birth whatever he says.

Yes to all of this. Scans are medical procedures - he is not the patient and has no right to be there. If he turns up, tell your midwife. Report him to the police. Register the baby in your name and don't put him on the b/c.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 11/05/2018 12:35

It’s your body and as DriveinSaturday said the appointment will be about you OP, with very personal questions and information.
Scans you could give him a picture if you don’t want him there either. It’s your choice to make.

Annasgirl · 11/05/2018 12:35

Dear OP, please ensure you report this to the police. The most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is

  1. pregnant. 2. About to leave the man.

You are in both these situations. Can you move in with anyone? A family member, friend? Could you swap your flat with your mum's? Sorry, but the threat of violence and potential death are huge. Please ensure your safety.

Also, could someone report the mumlife101 posts as they are incredible abusive towards a woman who is possible in grave danger.

UrgentScurryfunge · 11/05/2018 12:36

Good grief @mum101 Hmm

The law doesn't recognise a baby until it is born. Until that baby is born, all medical appointments are in the mother's name for her health.

YY to the first appointment being particularly important to the mother as it's when her health and social background are established and potential risks evaluated. Please be honest with the MW about his behaviour.

Even in loving, secure relationships it's very normal for partners to not attend routine checks. The scan is different as there is something visual to appreciate, but nonetheless they are important diagnostic appointments.

He is threatening and abusive. Do not trust him. He has no right to attend any of your appointments/ scans/ birth. If you are not married, he can't even be put on the birth certificate unless he attends.

LunaTrap · 11/05/2018 12:36

Mumlife did you actually read the OP? His abusive behaviour started prior to the break up and was in fact the reason for it- he isn't just reacting badly to being dumped. Were you aware that pregnancy is in fact a known trigger for abuse starting? Your advice is stupid and downright dangerous.

pallisers · 11/05/2018 12:36

I'm a woman & my husband is not abusive at all 😂 Typical mumsnet assumptions.

Well to be fair people who are in abusive relationships usually do have the kinds of trouble with boundaries and understanding what is acceptable behaviour that you are showing. Glad you are in a happy non-abusive relationship. We'd like the OP to have that too.

I suggest if your husband left and starting threatening you and your home with violence you might feel a little different though. You might actually feel "genuinely scared for [her] safety like the OP was. threatening to throw bricks through the windows and hoping they'll hit his pregnant partner isn't being "also human".

pallisers · 11/05/2018 12:37

I'm just saying if a woman doesn't want a man involved in the scans/pregnancy/birth at all then when the baby comes along expects this perfect example of a parent & maintenance you might meet some problems because that could be his chance to be difficult & have some control?

what a low opinion of men you have.

Cheby · 11/05/2018 12:37

Personally I would be moving house, not giving him my new address and ceasIng all contact. NFW would I want this controlling abusise dickhead tied to me or my child for the next 18 years.

Starlight2345 · 11/05/2018 12:39

There is a lot od red flag behaviour in here..

The fact you are questioning yourself overreacting because he told you you are says a lot. I would advise you look at the freedom program I think you will see a lot of your ex in there.

I also see the switching of mood very typical. I don't get my own way I will try a different track.

@mumlife101 first ante natal appointment will be nothing but taking basic information. checking mums health. There is nothing about the baby at this point.

Willow2017 · 11/05/2018 12:43

He kept starting rows, asking if the baby is definitely his and not believing me when I said yes. Then checking my phone and checking that I’m in work when I say I am. Arguing that I should go out with him at night to the pub when I just want to stay home and sleep.

Mum if this is acceptable behaviour I hate to think what you class as unacceptable! Thats before the split so what is he capable of now? (other than threatening op with bricks presumably made with marshmallows iyho )

Willow2017 · 11/05/2018 12:44

OP he has no right to come to appointments, nobody has.
Do NOT put him on bc.
If he can prove he has grown up once baby is born then he may have a chance of being a good father but up until now he hasnt shown an iota of maturity just classic controlling behaviour. You are well rid.

mumlife101 · 11/05/2018 12:46

OP wants him in the child's life so she obviously doesn't think his a total monster like you've all already branded him as after reading one mumsnet post. I'm getting about 5 replies to every message, I can't keep up & im running around after my 10 month old so I'm gonna leave it here. Have a great day ladies - I'm out. 👋🏼

cestlavielife · 11/05/2018 12:46

Report to police
No right to appts which are for you and your body
The child when born will have rights to see him..until born no need to involve him if he violent threatening et c

MoonieMoo · 11/05/2018 12:46

Although it was difficult to end the relationship, well done OP on leaving. I say this, as from the info you provided he sounds controlling and abusive.

Please, please log this with 101. I would also block his number etc.

You need to inform your midwife of this ASAP.

Also, like fuck would l be allowing him to any scans or appointments!

SoyDora · 11/05/2018 12:47

A nice man wouldn’t threaten to smash someone’s windows in and hope they hit them.

MoonieMoo · 11/05/2018 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hampsteadholly · 11/05/2018 12:48

He has zero rights to attend any appointments or the birth!

Willow2017 · 11/05/2018 12:50

OP wants him in the child's life

That doesnt mean he gets to dictate what she does just now.
First a.n. appoint is all about her anyway nothing to do with him, he wont find out anything about the baby. And its Her appoint not his.

Nodnol · 11/05/2018 12:51

You are not BU. He threatened you with violence. It is that bad. Let your carers know what is going on and make a report to the police, if only just to have it on file for later.

If he wants to be a proper dad he needs to stop and consider your feelings and try and undo some of the damage he’s done. I don’t know that he can but throwing tantrums and abusing you isn’t going to bring you closer to him. If, and it’s a big if, he can get himself under control, then I’d maybe consider him coming to a scan. Until then he is harming you emotionally and that is not on.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 11/05/2018 12:52

You're all perfect are you? Never done anything you regret?

I've never threatened to throw bricks through an ex's window and hoped they got hit, no. Not even in the depths after a breakup, not even when very drunk..

I suspect everyone here can say that.

Those threats are so far over the line, I can't believe you think it's acceptable or forgivable.

Why shouldn't she believe that, but should believe his apologies?

Juells · 11/05/2018 12:52

@mumlife101

I don't think it's a good idea to be shutting him out at this early stage. He sounds like his hurting after the break up & has made mistakes when drunk, he is human we all do stupid things.

I can't believe you would tell the victim of abuse to see things from her abuser's POV. He's abusive and controlling and will only get worse if he's allowed any access.

CoffeeOrSleep · 11/05/2018 12:53

Yes, well done on leaving OP.

Change your appointment time and don't contact him again.

It's hard, but you need to accept he won't suddenly become a kind and reasonable person once the baby is here. You will have to decide if you can co-parent with a man who has a history of abusive behaviour, and if you think your child will be better off with him in their life than not. I have never heard of a man who's abusive to his wife/partner and not also abusive towards his children. But you have plenty of time to decide what you want to do about access.

(note for later, do not give yoru child his surname, even if things are great between you by then, and be careful about considering putting him on the birth certificate if he is the type to use your child to 'get' to you.)

Ellendegeneres · 11/05/2018 12:53

mumlife you need to get a life. For fucks sake it’s abuse apologists like you that have people in ops situation doubting themselves and putting them in more dangerous situations than they’re already in.

Pull your head out of your arse. He’s not abusive? He threatened to brick in her windows and hopefully hit her with them because she said NO. Because she doesn’t want to be with him. You know nothing about abusers because you’re living your perfect little life never having experienced it.

Op please don’t tell him of further appointments. Call ahead and tell them your abusive ex is trying to come and you’re afraid. Call the police about his threats. He’s volatile. Who knows what he’s capable of

gryffen · 11/05/2018 12:54

Screw that.

Inform the police with evidence of his texts and say you fear he may try something. If it was just word against word then a talk would happen - if you have evidence then it's against him.

Arborea · 11/05/2018 12:54

OP my community midwife service seemed really geared up to recognising and responding to domestic abuse. Please let them know and accept their help to keep you and your baby safe. Good luck!