To not let ex come to antenatal appointments (except for scans)

[Apprehensiveone]

He thinks he has rights because it’s his baby but since (very recently) discovering I’m pg he’s gone from being happy to being unbearable to the point where we’ve split up and he’s (I think) harassing me.
He kept starting rows, asking if the baby is definitely his and not believing me when I said yes. Then checking my phone and checking that I’m in work when I say I am. Arguing that I should go out with him at night to the pub when I just want to stay home and sleep.
So I told him we can’t be together anymore.
He went out and got drunk and sent me messages saying sorry and that he wants to be together. I said I didn’t want to talk about it as I don’t feel the same. So he changed his attitude and threatened to come to my (ground floor) flat and smash all the windows with bricks which he hopes will hit me! I spent that entire night scared that he would come and try to hurt me. My mum said I should have reported him to the police but I didn’t.
My first antenatal appointment is tonight and he’s insisting on coming with me, he’s apologised and said that ‘of course I wouldn’t really want to hurt you, I was just drunk’
My mum is taking me to my appointment but he keeps messaging me telling me that he’ll be there waiting when I get there.
I’ve asked him not to do that and not to keep messaging me because I don’t want to feel stressed while pg but he isn’t stopping.
I’m nbu asking him to keep his distance am I?

mumlife101 when a normal human being has their feelings hurt they don't threaten to hurt people and throw bricks especially not to the woman carrying thwir baby! His behaviour has been abusive and thankfully the Op has taken the right steps to break up. The fact that he changes tune from saying sorry to blaming you is all you need to show you to keep him at arms length as he will do this throughout your relationship. You have agreed to let him go to scans. Tell him that if he continues to behave like this you won't be allowing him to be at the scans or birth as you want feel safe around him. Let the police know about the threats and save the texts. If his behaviour continues you will be worrying about his contact with baby and at least you will have documented eveidence he has threatened you.

Can't believe this has happened so quickly for you. You must be very upset OP. Well done for being so brave.

He sounds abusive and you should definitely be reporting his behaviour to the police.

He will not change, he will continue to be like this.

He has no right to be involved in the child's life, or with any of your appointments. Not even the scans.

Stop telling him when they are, and look into moving if at all possible.

You do not have to have him there, I would be calling the Police. What a horrible situation.

mumlife101
Those are the things I think about when I question whether I am overreacting and if I am actually BU. I can’t trust him after seeing how controlling he’s been about this though. Like being all apologetic but when I stand my ground he gets angry and accuses me of destroying any chance we have of being a family. The sudden mood changes to try and get me to change my mind. Saying he’ll just turn up anyway and not respecting my choice.
I have no intention of shutting him out of our child’s life, I want my child to know and love/be loved by their father.
I don’t think coming to the first appointment is necessary, especially with all the bad feeling between us still. I think I’m allowed a little ‘control’ over that tbh.

Actually OP, you said he took your phone, does that mean there’s a good chance he knows you’re on Mumsnet? Because the advice mumlife101 has given you, reads word for word like the kind of manipulation an abusive partner would use on their victim. It’s such gas lighting language.

“I don’t think he’s done anything that bad” - you don’t think threatening to break someone’s windows and hoping they’re hurt is “that bad”? I hope you don’t accept that kind of behaviour for you or your children.

OP - please speak to your midwife. They will have seen this kind of situation before. Unfortunately it’s very common for relationships to deteriorate and abusive behaviour to start during pregnancy. Shocking though that might be.

The expectation to come to every antenatal appointment to be ‘fully involved’ seems a little odd to me anyway. My husband only came to scans. He didn’t have time or inclination to join me for every blood pressure and urine check and I wouldn’t have wante him there. They also had special stickers in the toilets to put on your urine sample pot if you wanted the midwife to discreetly ask see you alone. Which I found rather sad.

mumlife you have rendered me speechless. This may be a first...

He's a shitbag. Report his threats to your midwife and to the police DV unit, cut all contact with him and leave him off the birth certificate.
He has no rights at all until the baby is born; no right to be at your appointment, no right to any involvement in your pregnancy, no right to be at the birth whatever he says.

His behaviour will get worse, not better if you engage with him in any way. It's much, much better for your baby to have no father than to have contact with an abusive one.

You’re a man, aren’t you, mumlife101?

OP - call the midwife team and change your appointment date/time. You don't need the hassle of him being there, or even the stress he will be. Don't tell him about when your appointments are. Tell them he has been abusive, both emotionally controlling when you were together then violent when you've split up. It needs putting in your notes.

Agree do tell the police, and save his abusive texts.

Don't feel you have to let him come to scans or the birth either, the only reason other fathers are at those are to support the mother. He has shown he'd be no support to you. Once the baby is born, he can have a relationship with the child, but until that point, it's all really about you and your health, which is none of his business anymore.

What everyone else except mum101 said. A new baby puts strain on the best relationships. He's already threatening to smash all your windows and hurt you, and is checking your phone. It won't get better with a baby waking him up at hourly intervals.

Antenatal appointments are not for partners anyway. Apart from scans they are dull medical affairs where you get weighed, give urine samples etc and talk. I wouldn't have him at scans either.

Mumlife - if you're not a man then I am genuinely concerned about you. If you're a woman, and you're not currently in a relationship with an abusive piece of shit, then you are unfortunately quite likely to sleepwalk into one in the near future.
It's far better for women to reject men and cut them out of their lives for 'minor' abusive behaviour than to forgive the man and let him continue and increase the abuse. Two women a week are killed by current or former male partners.

Op you have the right to do what ever you choose to do obviously I'm just giving you a different perspective. & if you do want him to be involved when baby is here then I wouldn't want to make him feel totally uninvolved during the pregnancy. But if you're allowing him to the scans I'd say that's fine anyway. That's all my DH came to, never antenatal appointments...

if i had physically threatened my childs father in a way that made him fearful and he was the main caregiver for my child then yes I would deserve to have access to my child restricted.

How do you not see how dangerous he is?

He threatens to throw bricks through your windows & hopes to injure you in the process. He denies paternity, starts rows, makes demands and acts irresponsibly whilst drunk.

Report his threats to the police & mention that he has threatened to show up at your appointment tonight. Get a report going about his behaviour with the police NOW. This behaviour will only get far worse, I assure you.

Stop telling him your appointment times or your intentions.
He has no right to attend any medical appointments.

Go alone to register the baby in your surname, and this could very well serve you well in the future. Registering the baby in his name will give him automatic legal rights that may cause you great problems in the future. Look on here for other such posts to inform yourself about such consequences.

mumlife101
If a stranger threatened to put your windows in, I doubt very much you would be inviting them to your antenatal appointments. The OP deserves the right to a relaxed and stress free pregnancy. Given the exP's behaviour to date, I somewhat doubt she will get it if she takes your advice. Women are very vulnerable in pregnancy and the early stages of a baby's life and she should be protected. Children do not need an abusive father in their lives and he needs a short sharp shock to think about his behaviour to date and the consequences.

You’re a man, aren’t you, mumlife101?

Or has had a shit life with shit relationships. It is sad that someone would think what the OP describes is not that bad. Or that a man requires to be led by the nose through antenatal appointments in order to have any chance of not being a deadbeat dad. If he isn't that bad, then why are you presuming he will be a deadbeat dad unless the OP bribes him by doing what he wants mumlife?

I'm a woman & my husband is not abusive at all 😂 Typical mumsnet assumptions. My husband is also human though & if he ever did act this way after we broke up I still wouldn't stop him seeing our daughter unless I was genuinely scared for her safety. Op knows how she feels & what's safe & whats fair really, she'll make the right choice for her & her baby I'm sure.

I appreciate that the split is still very raw for him so hope that things will calm down and that he can have the chance to be a good father at least, even if he wasn’t a great partner. If that makes sense? So I don’t want to have to shut him out completely but I do want to have a say in what he’s involved in, hence not wanting him at all the appointments.

What a mess. Definitely file a police report. I’d have an abortion.

He may have access to your child. Can you live with that?

But in all honesty I don't think he has done anything that bad

He threatened to throw bricks through her window in the hope that one would hit her. If that constitutes ‘not that bad’ in your world then I’m glad I don’t live in your world.

I'm just saying if a woman doesn't want a man involved in the scans/pregnancy/birth at all then when the baby comes along expects this perfect example of a parent & maintenance you might meet some problems because that could be his chance to be difficult & have some control?

And for the love of ALL, Apprehensiveone, will you STOP worrying about how he feels and what rights he has to be involved in the child’s life. This shouldn’t be about what he wants, but about what is healthy and safe for your tiny baby! Do you think a man that has behaved in such a way, towards the mother to be of his child, is putting that child first? You need to protect and nurture your child and he needs to fucking grow up and stop being a prick, if he wants a healthy relationship with his child.

Has has no rights at all.

These are YOUR appointments, not your baby's appointments, and absolutely not your ex's appointments.

He doesn't even have a right to be at the birth or the hospital afterwards.

I would also be reporting his threats to the police.