To not let ex come to antenatal appointments (except for scans)

[Apprehensiveone]

He thinks he has rights because it’s his baby but since (very recently) discovering I’m pg he’s gone from being happy to being unbearable to the point where we’ve split up and he’s (I think) harassing me.
He kept starting rows, asking if the baby is definitely his and not believing me when I said yes. Then checking my phone and checking that I’m in work when I say I am. Arguing that I should go out with him at night to the pub when I just want to stay home and sleep.
So I told him we can’t be together anymore.
He went out and got drunk and sent me messages saying sorry and that he wants to be together. I said I didn’t want to talk about it as I don’t feel the same. So he changed his attitude and threatened to come to my (ground floor) flat and smash all the windows with bricks which he hopes will hit me! I spent that entire night scared that he would come and try to hurt me. My mum said I should have reported him to the police but I didn’t.
My first antenatal appointment is tonight and he’s insisting on coming with me, he’s apologised and said that ‘of course I wouldn’t really want to hurt you, I was just drunk’
My mum is taking me to my appointment but he keeps messaging me telling me that he’ll be there waiting when I get there.
I’ve asked him not to do that and not to keep messaging me because I don’t want to feel stressed while pg but he isn’t stopping.
I’m nbu asking him to keep his distance am I?

One final warning OP, because I don't think you're listening.

If you do nothing now, and in the future he reacts violently towards you or the baby, SS will want to know what you did to protect your child from harm. And the answer will be - nothing.

Only let him be at the scan if your DM can be there too. They are there to check everything is alright. If things are not ok then you need someone there to support you, an abusive ex is not going to be the right person for that.

OP - read Lovetheme's messages again.

There's truth there you need to deal with. You might think "it's over" because you've left him, but few abusive people magically stop being abusive. If nothing else changes, his violent response to stressful situations that he doesn't like will continue.

Go to the police. Get this on record. Hopefully you'll never need that paper trail, but if you do, you'll be bloody glad you gave up a few hours to sort it.

I’d be seriously weighing up if I could put myself and a young child through 18 years plus of unreliability, control issues and threats of violence. Personally, I’d be considering a termination.

Echoing previous posters’ advice on him not being entitled to come to ANY appointments. My own v supportive DH only came to scans as he didn’t see the point in accompanying me to urine samples and blood pressure tests.

To be honest OP, I wouldn't want him to have anything to do with the baby. He will use him/her to continue to abuse you.

Having a relationship with a father who is abusive, is worse than having no father.

Think very carefully if it would be in your child's best interests. Remember, children who grow up with an abusive parent, often have various issues with their mental health and self esteem. You don't want that for your child.

You've done the right thing leaving him, his abuse would have got worse, pregnancy is often when abuse starts.

Report this to the police, let your midwife know, and speak to Women's Aid.

Oh, and don't listen to a fucking thing that Mumlife says. She's an abuse apologist and her "advice" is actually very dangerous.

OP - Read Lovethemes messages, she's right. He will only get worse and you must put yours and your babies safety first now.

Good god.

Just to add to the chorus that he has no rights at all to be at your antenatal appointments. None at all.

In fact he has no rights over the baby at all - only responsibilities once the child is born!

Take it one step at a time. Concentrate on you and the babies health. And report his threat to the police, or if you are not ready to do that yet then make sure you keep the text as proof!!

It sounds like he might escalate things.

mumlife as one who's been accused of being and MRA on this very website your comments are absolutely beyond the pale.

You have low standards.

To say nothing of the fact that this guy evidently views 'I was drunk' as a reasonable excuse for bad behaviour.

OP things will only get worse. They will not get better. He will have you right where he wants you after you have this baby.

You are at risk. The sooner you realise this the better.
Your ex has been abusive, making accusations that the baby isn't his, checking your phone, threatening to smash your windows and hoping you are hurt, getting drunk and being abusive and then the usual apologies. You say you were scared. Remember this feeling. You are pregnant, god forbid if he carries out these threats. I would be calling the police and getting advice on how you should proceed. The priority is your safety and that of your unborn DC.

Have you heard of ‘grey rock’ technique- basically don’t engage and respond very minimally to reduce the conflict. Definitely call women’s aid from a phone that he can’t chevk or look in an Internet cafe. I don’t want to scare you but abusive men often escalate when the woman is pregnant or leaving, and you are doing both so protect yourself by keeping distant.

If he was a decent guy, and genuinely sorry, then he'd be apologising and giving himself grief about missing the appointments. Not the OP.

That's the key difference between a "drunk moment of madness" and someone who is/potentially is abusive imo. The OP's partner isn't showing any real remorse if he's still taking his anger out on her.

Also OP, in both my pregnancies, I only saw a male partner at scan appointments. I didn't ever see one for a booking in appt or otherwise! Not very interesting a pee and blood pressure check.

I’m heartbroken that this has happened, it’s not how I imagined bringing a baby into my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to consider a termination. Why should I lose the chance to be a mum to my baby? Why should my baby have to die?

I’m listening Lovetheme
My appointment is now changed and I’m going to phone 101 just to log it incase I need it in the future.

Thanks almost everyone

I've been reading all your messages & tbh you have opened my eyes to something I never realised. I don't have an abusibe partner, but I do/did have an emotionally abusive father. He was abused as a child & so has always been a victim in my eyes, he has done many many bad things to me but I have always forgiven him because of his terrible childhood & because mine was significantly better I felt I owed him my understanding & forgivness. So actually maybe subconsciously for years I've been making excuses for men & allowing them to get away with things they should not be doing. I can only apologise for giving therefore terrible advice based on my own brainwashed experience. Feeling very resentful to my father right now, can't believe it's taken me 26 years to unearth this one. All thanks to mumsnet... OP, please don't put up with as much shit as I have out of guilt, I'm now going to have to try to break this life long habit so I don't pass it on to my innocent daughter.

Why should I lose the chance to be a mum to my baby? Why should my baby have to die?

Be practical. It's not a baby, it's an embryo that will become a baby that you will love more than life itself - who will have an abusive father.

You're more than within your rights to have this baby, but it will complicate life for you immeasurably.

I wish you the best of luck with your baby, I think your mind is made up, but you are choosing a very difficult path.

At my 12 week scan they asked to do an internal scan to get a better angle for measuring the baby. It wasn't much fun, and I didn't feel I Could say no (though being older and bolshier now, I probably would). How would you feel about being naked from the waist down with your ex in the room? It's worth considering before deciding whether to allow him to come.

As a Midwife I would want a heads up on this. You certainly have an absolute right to see your midwife alone. If the idiot turns up tell the receptionist in the antenatal clinic and they will call security

“I’m heartbroken that this has happened, it’s not how I imagined bringing a baby into my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to consider a termination. Why should I lose the chance to be a mum to my baby? Why should my baby have to die?”

With respect OP, this is AIBU- posters are VERY upfront with their opinions. That is the nature of this part of the site.

You may already view your very new pregnancy as already a baby, but there are many women who wouldn’t see it the same way and would still be weighing up their options. No one is telling you to have an abortion- they are just saying what they would do in your position.

*mumlife101

Pregnancy is a known major trigger for abuse, that's why the MW will ask about it, and try to see the patient on her own.

And OP has described classic abuse signals.

Many of us posting on this thread will have pesonal experience of abuse, either by being the abused, or by working in the field. We can see the flags you are clearly minimising. In fact, I've had a friend get punched by her 'D'H, and her mum downplayed it with "it wasn't that bad, only one punch".

OP, I echo pp (except the one...) Don't let him come to appointments, don't give your baby hs name or put him on the BC. Do report his threats and harrassment to the police and MW. I suspect his behaviour will ramp up, and you'll need professional support.

mumlife101 I posted before seeing your latest message. Please do consider some counselling to help you make sense of your feelings.

Like I wrote before, most of us see the flags because we've been there, one way or another, and feel woman deserve better.

OP, you clearly want the baby, and that's your choice. People only mentioned termination as a possibility to getting this man out your life. It looks like you're getting on with protecting yourself, and I hope things get better for you

OP I have no intention of shutting him out of our child’s life

Really? I would. He’s a nasty shit who has threatened you with violence. Why would you want him involved in your child’s life. Babies and children are adorable most of the time but they can test the patience of a saint... what happens if your ex loses his rag with them.

I think I’m often more pro fathers rights than a lot of Mumsnetters seem to be but once threats of violence are involved then I think any parent loses those rights.

BTW, how was you ex’s behavior in the past. Did you see any signs of him being a nasty bully beforehand?

Personally I too would have an abortion. I understand that others views on this are different but I couldn’t bring a child into such a disfunctional situation. It’s so unfair on the child. It would depend how far along I was.

no all thr roads lead to bad place in my eyes.this wasn't just a one off act of violence his behaviour in my eyes has continued to become more aggressive and controlling for a while.
and lots of people get drunk.bad things happen and they neer resort to violence or threats.its never an excuse for that behaviour.being drunk never equals someone being voilant like that unless its in there as some kind of intention.
is someone going with you,like you mum.go together and just say no.if he arrives there just say no.if he continues to insist calmly tell the hospital staff this man is threatening towards you andyou don't feel safe or comfortable with him beig around.they will help.

do not have a termination.you don't want one.so advice telling you to do so is bollocks.that no what you want and that's all that matter.
youll be a great mum.take care of yourself and your little one.

To echo everyone else, no need to have him there at all, the only appointments most partners would go to are scans, it shows controlling behaviour that he wants to come anyway. Definitely report him to the police and well done for getting out now of a bad situation and great you have your mum to support you.