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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend asked to move in

120 replies

wobblebot · 11/05/2018 06:43

Any and all advice will be appreciated!

During the early hours I received a text from a friend I have known since October when we both started uni. She has asked to move in to my house.
She has a very volatile relationship and their split has been a long time coming. Every time they argue I really try to help and advise but it's tricky as she is a foreign student and doesn't have many options regarding leaving him as she isn't entitled to any financial help.

She is 20, DH and I are late 20s with a DS and aren't in a great place ourselves either.

How do I tell her no? Can I tell her no? Should I just suck it up and allow her to stay?

OP posts:

AdaTwist · 11/05/2018 06:47

In your position I would tell her that she can't move in, because you don't have the space, especially as you have a DC.

But I would offer her a bed /sofa for a week or less while she gets a plan together for what she wants to do next. You can't possibly be expected to house a friend, especially not one you've know for such a short time.

Urbanbeetler · 11/05/2018 06:47

Can you offer a set time, like 2 weeks, and stick to it? (if your desire to be a good friend overcomes your desire to live in peace and privacy).

Singlenotsingle · 11/05/2018 06:50

What does DH have to say about it? Have you consulted him? He might not like the idea anyway!

dustarr73 · 11/05/2018 06:53

I wouldnt let her move in.I dont know,the way you writea bout her.It just comes across like she is hard work.

Just tell her you dont have the space.One good thing,she did text you,rather than put you on the spot.

pasturesgreen · 11/05/2018 06:55

No. No no no no no no no no!!

Have I said no?

Dreadful idea if ever there was one. This has trouble written all over. You haven't known her very long, it's not as though it's your sister or a very old friend, you have no obligations to this person. You not only can, but you must tell her no. Don't go into long winded explanations: 'sorry, I can't, not enough room'.

Don't let her sleep on the sofa for a week or however long, you'll never get rid once she sets foot in the door and MN is full of 'My mate has been sleeping on the sofa for 6 months and never paid a penny towards expenses, wwyd?' type threads.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 11/05/2018 06:59

She may not move out again, and then what?

Saying that, you have been involving yourself in her life to the extent she relies on you, she is probably desperate.

So I'd offer her a week or two, but saying that, what if she never leaves? Would you have enough backbone to make her leave if she has nowhere to go....?

pinkdelight · 11/05/2018 07:01

I would say sorry it's not an option due to your family and suggest she talks to the uni. It's not your problem whether she can get financial assistance or not. She must have some financial support to have chosen to study abroad. She must have enough for rent/accommodation in the short term until the term ends and of not she should call on her family for help. It would be different if you were younger and single and living the student life, but it still wouldn't be the best option for her. She needs to have her own means of getting by from her family or work. Relying on a partner at that age was a bad plan anyway. Sorry if that all sounds harsh, and if you want to let her crash on the sofa for a night or two, that's one thing. But be very very clear that's all you can do and set parameters. It's not like she's your sibling or someone you should feel responsible for - and even then, you just don't have capacity.

Original poster

wobblebot · 11/05/2018 07:02

I really want to say no and my biggest fear is that I would never get rid of her and I'll be dragged into her battle with BF.

DH will always support me but when I spoke to him about it this morning he was so relieved when I said I was trying to work out how to say no. We discussed other options she believes we have but they only apply if she has any money.

I am yet to open the text and can probably get away with not opening it for another couple of hours.

As PP said, although she a lovely, she is bloody hard work!

OP posts:

BumblebeeBum · 11/05/2018 07:02

Obviously discuss with you OH.

I would let her stay over for a week to let her get out of the situation. I would make sure that her ex didn’t know where she was and help her access housing help at the university asap.

Mummingainteasy · 11/05/2018 07:04

I'd be weary about offering her the sofa. She may not even look for somewhere else and then you would be in an even trickier situation because you wouldn't want to just chuck her out.

I'd just explain that you don't have the space for another person to stay in the hoise. Maybe offer to help her find somewhere else? Could the uni offer her ant advice or help?

Original poster

wobblebot · 11/05/2018 07:06

He ex would know exactly where she was, she doesn't have anybody else in the country. I feel awful but I don't want her problems at the moment. We have a child free weekend planned to sort OUR relationship out.
I think i trust her in the sense she would not steal but I don't trust her not to invite him over to discuss, 'make up' then argue again whilst out.

She isn't entitled to student finance as it stands and her ex has been financially supporting her whilst they have been living with his parents. He's sick a prick too!

OP posts:

Knitella · 11/05/2018 07:09

Encourage her to seek support from her university and/or students Union. They should be able to signpost her and offer counselling should it be helpful in the circumstances.

I’d offer her a sofa for a week or two with her chipping in for food etc but make it clear that you definitely can’t manage longer.

Original poster

wobblebot · 11/05/2018 07:10

@pinkdelight you are not harsh, I'm with you 100% I just haven't got the confidence to tell her

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 11/05/2018 07:11

Nope. It's too much - beside the fact that you have a dc, you and your DH need space and time to work out your problems. She would make that very hard.

pasturesgreen · 11/05/2018 07:13

OP, it's very kind of you to look out for her, but her living arrangements are not your problem. Don't make them your problem. Say no.

TwitterQueen1 · 11/05/2018 07:15

You just say no, it's not possible with a DH and a child. She is not your responsibility and sofa surfing for a week is not a solution. Once in your house it will be incredibly difficult to get her out again. And it won't do your relationship with DH any good at all.

There will be a uni room in a hall of residence available somewhere.

DinosApple · 11/05/2018 07:16

Are there any support services attached to uni who will be able to help her? Honestly I would point her in direction of those.

If you are having your own relationship troubles that need to be sorted it's best you say no. You need time and space to sort that as a couple.

Bekabeech · 11/05/2018 07:17

She needs to go and see the welfare office at the University - they still help overseas students.
What she needs is a permanent solution, not to end up sofa surfing. But she may not know about the welfare department (overseas Unis can be less pastoral than ours).

bimbobaggins · 11/05/2018 07:18

How do you say no? Just say no! You don’t need to go into a big explanation etc just say it’s not suitable.
Of course you don’t just suck it up, wtaf, why would you think like that.

pinkdelight · 11/05/2018 07:18

"We have a child free weekend planned to sort OUR relationship out. "

Then the answer has to be a no from the start. The bad feeling from saying no will also bring you relief that it's nipped in the bud. The bad feeling from being drawn into that drama you fear would go on and on. No way can you get into hosting her making up with her partner! And honestly if it's that kind of drama, as opposed to him being physically abusive and her needing to escape, then you mustn't get involved. She is presumably safe if she's living with his parents. Please say "Sorry, no, we don't have space. Best talk to the uni." And don't cave - if she pushes it, just say your DP says no. She sounds like she doesn't listen to you and would mess you around and you're just not in a position to get into that. Who would be, quite frankly!!

Original poster

wobblebot · 11/05/2018 07:18

Thank you for not making me feel like a shit person in wanted to say no!

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to work the text? MN are usually great but I appreciate it's 7am 🙈

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 11/05/2018 07:20

Your own relationship and your own dc is whats important so should be your priority. Tough as it sounds l would not let her sleep on couch as she will not move out. Help her find a place..contact student support etc but absolutely not to moving it.
If it was a flriend of years or a sister yes but you do not know this girl and what will be diffe0rent in 2 weeks. So no!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 11/05/2018 07:24

Don’t do it.

Right now you need to prioritise your relationship over someone you’ve known 6 months.

She needs to talk to the university, or find a hostel & a part time job. She has put herself in the position of attending university overseas, she shouldn’t have done that without a plan to afford accommodation. She’s an adult, she needs to grow up.

timeisnotaline · 11/05/2018 07:24

Unless he’s violent I would point her towards the welfare agency (and maybe help set up an appt) given your own relationship needs attention.

TwitterQueen1 · 11/05/2018 07:25

Don't make it long, don't go into reasons, don't apologise, be crystal clear.

"Unfortunately we can't put you up - it's just not an option for us. Try the uni welfare / accommodation office - they will be able to advise. "

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