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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asked to move in

120 replies

wobblebot · 11/05/2018 06:43

Any and all advice will be appreciated!

During the early hours I received a text from a friend I have known since October when we both started uni. She has asked to move in to my house.
She has a very volatile relationship and their split has been a long time coming. Every time they argue I really try to help and advise but it's tricky as she is a foreign student and doesn't have many options regarding leaving him as she isn't entitled to any financial help.

She is 20, DH and I are late 20s with a DS and aren't in a great place ourselves either.

How do I tell her no? Can I tell her no? Should I just suck it up and allow her to stay?

OP posts:
Vangoghsear · 11/05/2018 08:40

I suggest that you need to say no. If necessary say your DH would not agree. Absolutely do not offer her a sofa for a week or similar because it will be extremely difficult to get her to move out once she is there. Her financial position is not your problem.

TrinaN · 11/05/2018 08:49

As horrid as it may sound and however bad you may feel, you have to prioritise your family - if you need the space to work on your relationship then that is that. It is like being on an airplane where you have to put on your mask before helping others so don't feel bad about it.

If you are worried and have the time this morning, why not have a look at the Uni's webpage or see if you can contact student services and see if there is any support they can offer your friend and send her details if there are any. If she doesn't take it up and stays with him that is her choice, but you have tried.

BlueJava · 11/05/2018 08:49

"Sorry but we can't help with accommodation. I suggest you ask housing services at Uni they are usually pretty good".

If she comes back with something else say you've discussed with your other half and it's no. Do not let her near your sofa for fear she stays put! Having been really caught out by someone who stayed at my place far too long when I said a week only I'd back off the friendship a bit. I don't want to be unkind but it sounds like you have enough with your partner, DC, studying yourself etc.

Walkaboutwendy · 11/05/2018 08:52

I agree with PP. If she was relying on living with her ex to get through uni and she can't afford to do it solo then uni may not financially viable for her in the UK.

KC225 · 11/05/2018 08:57

I think she is asking a lot of someone she has known since October. Especially a couple with a child.

There is nothing to stop you mailing/texting her in a couple of days.

SweetieBaby · 11/05/2018 09:02

It sounds as though needing somewhere to live is only one of her problems so even if you were to solve this one (and I don't think you should) then what about her financial situation? It would seem that she just cannot afford to be at uni here and she will need a lot of help, practically and financially, in order to be able to continue. I'm guessing that you aren't in a position to be responsible for her so it is much better to help her access support from uni so that she can get as much help as is available.

pinkdelight · 11/05/2018 09:10

Well done! Make sure that line is drawn and stick to it. If she ends up saying that uni can't help and she has no other options, don't feel like this is your problem to solve. This isn't a case like the PP upthread said where you're not being there for a woman in danger having to leave home. If her (bad) plan for accommodation while studying here (predictably) hasn't worked out, she needs to come up with and fund a better plan or go back to her family to regroup and start again. You can't be getting invested in a 20yo's relationship dramas in your situation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2018 09:19

It’s almost the summer holidays at university. She can go back to her home country once she’s completed the year and even if she doesn’t return, she will have had a whole year of education in a foreign country to stand her in good stead.

TeisanLap · 11/05/2018 09:22

It’s almost the summer holidays at university. She can go back to her home country once she’s completed the year and even if she doesn’t return, she will have had a whole year of education in a foreign country to stand her in good stead

All of my lot were foreign students and I’m not convinced about how real this young woman’s situation is.

But that aside, yes she could go home but it could very well be nigh on impossible to tell her family why she’s not going back.

I’m very confused about this thread.

CocoaGin · 11/05/2018 09:36

We had a very close and dear family friend, who split up with his wife and needed somewhere to crash. Like an absolute idiot, I talked DH into letting him stay here...... what I didn't realise was that he'd been seeing a mutual friend who was also married and dragged us into their shit. It was horrendous, and he was here for nearly 6 months. It almost ruined our marriage, and it sadly destroyed the friendship too.

Don't do it. You won't be friends for long if she's under your roof. Your priority is your DC and your DH..... you can offer moral support and a shoulder to lean on, and she's very lucky to have that.

ittakes2 · 11/05/2018 09:45

It will affect your own relationship - don't do it unless you want to.

Furano · 11/05/2018 09:47

Who needs enemies with friends like you lot?!!?

She is in a difficult situation. You are MEANT to be friends. I would say she can't 'move in' but she can sleep on the sofa for 2 weeks max (in return for a bit of babysitting? Might actually help your relationship with DH to get an evening out) and you'll go with her to the uni support centre.

WickedLazy · 11/05/2018 10:00

When you have a family, you can't just let any random waif you've known 6 months live with you. No matter how friendly you are with them. Especially when it could end up being long term. If this were an old cherished friend who op could trust not to take the piss, I don't think she'd even have doubts. But, understandably, she does. Friends aren't and shouldn' feel entitled to live with you, if things go wrong. Op has agreed to support her friend, and help her her get sorted. That's the main thing.

Lizzie48 · 11/05/2018 10:03

I had something similar happen a few years ago. A very old uni friend invited herself to stay with us. She was in a very troubled state, having lots her dad and she was claiming that her DH had been violent to her. So we let her have our empty bedroom.

All well and good. I tried to get help for her, she had run out of her anxiety medication, which she had been prescribed in Spain, where she and her DH had been living. But the medication apparently isn't legal in the UK. That issue was sorted, but when I took her to the chemist, she had a blazing row with her DH, which left me mortified and saying to the chemist, 'I'm going to end up on tranquillisers at this rate.'

For 3 very awkward weeks, she stayed with us. She was obviously not well mentally, she stayed in her dressing gown the whole time, wouldn't let me wash it. She literally reeked.

Then she started playing DH and me against each other, complaining to him that I'd moaned at her about her staying undressed all day. She actually wasn't even decent. She also started cornering my DH, wanting to talk to him on their own.

Long story short, she left, ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a month. She had caused all manner of problems for my friends as well, kept asking them for money. (She owed us a lot of money, I've talked about that on other threads.

So I definitely would say, just don't. This student isn't your responsibility. She needs to go to student welfare.

dustarr73 · 11/05/2018 10:14

Plus is the bf longterm.Or did she give him a sob story as well.
Plus how would she be allowed to go to a foreign university with no way to pay for herself.

frozenmash · 11/05/2018 10:38

You have done the right thing. You said that she is hard work and if you can see that without living with her just imagine how you would feel if she was in your family home all the time! Maybe this will give her the push that she needs to sort out her situation. You can still help her out with practical things allowing you to maintain a healthy distance and to keep your family life uninterrupted.

smurfit · 11/05/2018 11:08

I think it depends on the friend and type of relationship. Personally, I wouldn't hesitate to help a friend but I've been in an abusive relationship myself and escaping is really hard.

I get the impression she's more an acquaintance by circumstance? In this case, the offer of practical help and support is appropriate and will keep your family safe from the unknown.

The ignoring might be because she's a cheeky fucker, or because she's lost and doesn't know how to take the additional (perceived) rejection. It's really hard to judge the situation based on what I've read.

Perhaps follow it up a bit later asking her to meet for a coffee to talk about things? It would either reinforce your genuine offer of help or she'll ignore it because she didn't get her way to feed her continual drama.

dustarr73 · 11/05/2018 11:47

Plus the bf mightnt be abusive.It could be her.I dont know why the posters jumped on that it was him being abusive.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/05/2018 12:03

Oh it's horrible when you're put on the
At the end of the day though youve know this women for six months. You don't know this her.. Mind you do people ever know each other.

It could be a case of once she gets in you can't get her out. That's a very big invasion of your family life.

That's not to say though that I don't think you should help her and turn your back.
As pps have said get her to speak to her the university welfare. Hopefully they'll be able to help or sign post her to the relevant bodies.
I do apprieciate though that while saying No in mumsnet is very easy. IRL it is a lot harder.

Mumminmum · 11/05/2018 12:41

Two weeks? Some posters would let an acquaintance move in for two weeks? Do you live in castles with servants?

Original poster
wobblebot · 11/05/2018 13:33

Well I've still not had a reply.

To answer some questions,
They were long distance for a couple of years but had only met a handful of times before she moved to Britain to live with him for uni.
She has given me the impression she wanted to study here regardless but couldn't answer what she would do financially if she didn't get into his local uni.
She has tuition fees paid but can not get any kind of maintenance.
She has recently began agency work.
He is abusive in the sense he will meet other women and post on social media what he's up to (I can only take her word for it as I don't have FB only insta and certainly don't follow him).
She has posted on insta that she's having a glorious day.

Maybe they've made up again? Maybe she's pissed off with me? God knows!

She was becoming a genuine friend but this may be the end of that.

OP posts:
ThistleAmore · 11/05/2018 13:45

@wobblebot:

"Does anybody have any suggestions on how to work the text? MN are usually great but I appreciate it's 7am.

I had a very good boss once, who promoted the 'very short stick, very long carrot' school of thought in written communications.

Get the 'no' out of the way quickly (with as little room for misinterpretation as possible), then add a solution, so something like:

"That [friend living with you] won't work for us, but let's meet up for coffee, and we can talk about options and where to find help."

You're not fobbing her off, but you are making your position clear.

I agree with other posters, having somebody in this position live with you - even for a short period of time - would be a disaster (I know this from bitter experience).

Good luck! And remember, putting your own oxygen mask on first is not a crime.

fabulous01 · 11/05/2018 13:47

Say no and no to a sofa

dustarr73 · 11/05/2018 18:24

Any news op.Has she come back to you

Mummingainteasy · 12/05/2018 07:27

Any updates op?

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