Friend asked to move in

[wobblebot]

Any and all advice will be appreciated!

During the early hours I received a text from a friend I have known since October when we both started uni. She has asked to move in to my house.
She has a very volatile relationship and their split has been a long time coming. Every time they argue I really try to help and advise but it's tricky as she is a foreign student and doesn't have many options regarding leaving him as she isn't entitled to any financial help.

She is 20, DH and I are late 20s with a DS and aren't in a great place ourselves either.

How do I tell her no? Can I tell her no? Should I just suck it up and allow her to stay?

@TwitterQueen1 ok! Thank you. I sometimes come across very rude and abrupt when I really don't intend to

OP, my children all studied abroad as foreign students and there had to be funds for her coming from somewhere.

Her uni should also have a specific person who advises foreign students.

Have a quick google to find phone numbers/e-mail for her uni support services, or maybe her country’s embassy, and text back saying, ‘no room here, but try these’.

‘Hi Friend
I’m really pleased you’re leaving x, I’ll help you find alternative accommodation, but I’m sorry, you can’t live here. We don’t have the space for another person. Give me a call when you can and I’ll help you find somewhere to live’.

Would dh mind if you blame him for saying no?

Otherwise just say that it would be too much pressure on your own relationship and not fair to your dh and ds, so unfortunately it's a no.

I’m assuming that you don’t want to go down the ‘no is a complete sentence’ route, hence.

I’m sorry ‘insert name hete’ but I’m dealing with issues of my own at home at the moment and can’t have you here. Please go to Student welfare services though as they’ll be able to help. Love OP

I'd say as Much as you'd like to help you can't offer a roof over her head.

"I'm sorry things are difficult but I'm sure it's the right decision for you to leave him. Unfortunately it won't be possible for you to stay here. Call the accommodation office when they open for help x"

OP, draw a line on a piece of paper. on the left-hand side, write 'Doormat'. On the right-hand side, write 'Rude/abrupt'. In the middle, write 'assertive and in control'. Then choose where you'd like to be on that line.

Some people would say I'm rude/abrupt but tbh, I don't care, I can live with that. I've had my assertiveness training , which was very much needed...

One last piece of advice - don't feel guilty afterwards! don't go over and over this in your mind or contact her with loads of alternative suggestions. Let it be.

I wouldn't put you don't have space in case she says it's ok I'll sleep on the sofa etc,

I wouldn't give her any reason at all - just a it's not possible so she can't counteract it.

Another one for going with her yo the university and seeking pastoral support from them. She is more their responsibility than yours.

This has reminded me of a blog that was linked in a thread yesterday.

The Worst Person I’ve Ever Met

I've linked to part ten of ten as that page has links to the previous nine parts at the start. The word volatile describes this person to a tee. A volatile person will not only be like that in romantic relationships, friendships will usually suffer too...

Hi Volatile person, Sadly (don't use sorry) we (promote a united front of yourself and DH) are unable to help as we have family stuff going on for the foreseeable future (summer holidays soon for you and DC?). Here's some info on our uni support services as they will be the best people to advise you.

' Hi X, sorry that things are not working out with your bf. Dh and I are having some issues ourselves, so I'm really sorry but I can't have anyone stay right now. Please talk to the welfare people at uni, they are the best people to guide you regarding new housing and your rights etc. Love wobble'

I think being honest is the best way to keep the friendship and not make her feel abandoned. You can't put your own relationship under more pressure to help her - you have a child to consider. Don't offer short term sofa crashing or you wob't be able to deal with your own problems.

Ok so I think I will say:

Hi friend
Im really pleased you've made this decision but Staying with us won't be possible at the moment, I'm so sorry. DH and I have a lot going on and have arranged DS childcare this weekend so we can try to work it out. I am free this afternoon if you need help finding an alternative through uni.

Is that too wishy washy??

Hi friend
Im really pleased you've made this decision but Staying with us won't be possible at the moment, I'm so sorry. I am free this afternoon if you need help finding an alternative through uni.

How interesting that when a woman comes on here asking for help to leave her abusive partner but says she has no where else to go that posters often say "don't you have a friend you can stay with for awhile?" And here we are with that friend trying to find an excuse to not let her desperate friend stay, even for a short while

Pp is right - saying 'we' is better than 'I'. It implies that your dh has said no as well, rather than you just choosing not to let her stay

@PunxsutawneyHogwash thank you I'll read that now

You say no that you can't let her stay but signpost her to the uni. They will probably have contingency funds for things like this or access to rooms. As it is almost the end of the academic year she will be able to find a summer job to fund her to rent somewhere on her own or she will go back to her home country for the summer?

Her boyfriend might not accept her leaving him and he could come round at all hours giving her bother.Her presence is very likely to impact negatively on your family life.She isn't entitled to financial help so you could be stuck with her forever.You've only known her a few months.Play dead.

That's not fair. OP is having relationship problems of her own and has a child whose family security relies on her putting that right. No one can put a friend above their child's needs.
I also would not want some volatile man coming to my house and potentially kicking off if I had my child at home.

@eddielizzard I'm about to send what you just wrote!!!

What Betty said.

Definitely take out at the moment because you're just leaving an option for her to say something like, ok, what about in a couple of weeks? You HAVE to be clear. Take out the DH sentence - you don't need to explain. Only leave in the last sentence if you really are ok with offering that help.

Ok message sent. Thank you so much MN for being my back bone!