Friend asked to move in

[wobblebot]

Any and all advice will be appreciated!

During the early hours I received a text from a friend I have known since October when we both started uni. She has asked to move in to my house.
She has a very volatile relationship and their split has been a long time coming. Every time they argue I really try to help and advise but it's tricky as she is a foreign student and doesn't have many options regarding leaving him as she isn't entitled to any financial help.

She is 20, DH and I are late 20s with a DS and aren't in a great place ourselves either.

How do I tell her no? Can I tell her no? Should I just suck it up and allow her to stay?

At the moment gives future hope.

No, I'd go with her to student services and they can find her a suitable room.

You have to put your own family first. As you’re having problems yourself if you let her stay you’re putting her before your family. This could then put your relationship at risk.
If you give her reasons why she will counteract them so just a no will do.
She is not a long term friend or relative you don’t actually know her too well it is a disaster in the making.
She wouldn’t have got into uni here without resources so she is not being completely honest with you already.
She is guilt tripping you don’t fall for it!

I wouldn't day you were sorry. You know this person since October so put things in perspective, someone you barely know has made a very cheeky request

"No, moving in with us is definitely bnotvan option. I am happy to help you look elsewhere but we are a family with a child, shared accommodation is definitely something we would not like"

Or "Ha ha ya right, I gave up sharing houses years ago, no way hosé, I will help you look though"

I'd say:

Hi friend
Im really pleased you've made this decision but Staying with us won't be possible at the moment, perhaps the uni could help you?

Sorry cross posts, at least you have told her now, don't feel bad at all

Well done OP.

Doesn't she have any friends her own age without children and husbands that we let her crash on their sofa?

Well done. Eddie’s post was good you don’t owe her an explanation. Keep it up as your family are your priority.

Sorry you’ve sent that... that is way to wishy washy apologetically British

You’ve given a window so I suspect she will come back with a “solution” how she can stay and “help” you out with childcare maybe.

“I wish I had the room or the money to help you, but I don’t. All I can offer is to listen when you need to talk to a friend.”

well done for sending the text - without the at the moment part.

Your friend must have some financial support from somewhere, you cant just go to uni without it. There is a department for foreign students who will be able to help and advise her.

Good luck OP with your weekend sorting out your own relationship.

Definitely don't let her stay on the couch if she doesn't accept your reply. I don't think you could bring yourself to throw her out if she had nowhere to go to but refused/had no money to leave. If she has no financial help to sort herself out with an alternative now, then how could she have the means to sort herself out once she's moved in with you? You owe it to your DH and DC to prioritise them ahead of someone you've only known half a year.

Has she not spoken to the university accommodation office yet? Hope it works out for her shortly but it's not viable for her to stay with you

Seriously well done. You have prioritised your own and your family’s needs whilst offering to help out friend in a practical and appropriate way.

As a reforming pushover myself I know it’s not easy to stay strong when everything in you is saying you ‘should’ let her stay.

It would be a good idea to think ahead too. What if there is no alternative accommodation? It still doesn’t mean you are any obligation to take her in but it will be worth thinking about how to handle it in advance.

I know you’ve sent a message, but may I suggest that you can help her by signposting her to: 1) student welfare 2) student accommodation (because most unis have halls of some sort and probably have spare rooms at this point in the year) 3) students union (that may have a different offering to welfare) 4) overseas administrator (or similar - there will be a department at your uni that deals with overseas students, they could offer help too).

Do not take her problems on, there are at least 4 departments/groups (above) who are seet up to do exactly that. Be there as a friend, this does not mean offering your home.

Ok so she has read and ignored. I will help her practically if she so wishes. I do worry that this will push her to stay with the arsehole, although thank to you lot I know understand that is not my problem!

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks everyone.

Well done!

Thanks to you lot, I now understand.

You're a wise young woman, you've definitely made the right decision.
Your offer of support is there, should she need it.
Don't worry about it.🌺

I think you did the right thing. You haven't known her that long, and it sounds like you really don't need your routine messed up a possibly long term interloper. If she can't sort something herself, she can always go home, to her family, or ask them for help? Do they know what sort of situation she's got herself into? Where did she live before she met her bf?

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Oh d'oh, *by a.

It’s good that you’ve set boundaries.

Sadly, if she really is financially reliant on her (abusive?) boyfriend’s family for her living expenses and has few options to get loans then she may have to quit university if / when the relationship ends. Presumably someone is paying her fees. Not easy choices, she is in a bad situation, but only she can decide what to do and take action.

There are advisory services available.

Don't do it OP - it'll lead to a raft of problems.

You may be doing her a favour by pointing her to official help. She may end up with proper support. Women's aid an option if there is abuse.