Friend asked to move in

[wobblebot]

Any and all advice will be appreciated!

During the early hours I received a text from a friend I have known since October when we both started uni. She has asked to move in to my house.
She has a very volatile relationship and their split has been a long time coming. Every time they argue I really try to help and advise but it's tricky as she is a foreign student and doesn't have many options regarding leaving him as she isn't entitled to any financial help.

She is 20, DH and I are late 20s with a DS and aren't in a great place ourselves either.

How do I tell her no? Can I tell her no? Should I just suck it up and allow her to stay?

I've not had a reply..
I didn't get chance to send a follow up last night but I'll text her this morning.

I don't know whether to feel offended or grateful to be honest.

I would just leave it.

No. Whilst I have a great deal of sympathy with her situation, you are not a hostel. The problem with opening your door out of the kindness of your heart for ‘a week or two’ is it most likely would wind up being longer.

Send her links to local hostels or even a woman’s refuge.

I would just leave it too

No stay out of it. Mabey help her look for accommodation, but just say it's not a good time, and you don't have space. What you think will happen, will. More trouble than it's worth.

OP, if she is an EU student she would have financial support from her home country.

If she is from outside the EU she would have had to prove she had enough money to support her for the duration of her course before getting a visa.

Whichever it is, she is lying about her boyfriend being her only means of support.

No, don't contact her, she's probably pissed off that you've said no.

All those saying "I would just let her stay for a week or two" aren't seeing the bigger picture. Do you have any idea how hard it is to tell someone they have to leave once they're already installed in your home? I do unfortunately and it's a lot harder than just sending a text saying no in the first place.
I wouldn't assume that University welfare services, the council or whoever have the resources or inclination to leap into action and solve this woman's housing problem in a couple of weeks. The situation could drag on for months, especially if OP's friend isn't particularly motivated to sort it out, which she may not be once she already has a rent-free place to stay courtesy of OP and her DH.

You've done the right thing in putting your family first OP. I would leave it now and let her contact you if she wants to.

Just don't contact her, leave it, she is probably pissed off at you. She has options, like student welfare, student housing, at uni who will help her find accommodation.

Just leave it.

It was kind of you to offer to help her find an alternative but really, you're just making it your problem and enmeshing yourself further.

With a close friend, sure, do that. But someone you've known half a year, who is cheeky enough to actually ask you if she can move in? I'd be distancing myself! That's not normal social boundaries. I wouldn't even put a best friend in that position, the fact she has requested this after barely knowing you any time at all makes me a little suspicious of her and I think I'd be dialling it right back to friendly acquaintances.

I mean, she hasn't even bothered to reply to say thanks for considering it and for the offer of helping me find something, which says it all really. She's probably annoyed she didn't immediately get what she wanted. She might have chosen you to ask as she sensed you'd be a pushover (no offence, but your incapability of knowing how to say no, lack of confidence in saying no, and need to be reassured it's okay to say no before saying no suggests you struggle to assert your boundaries and maybe she's picked up on that), and now she's surprised and annoyed you didn't agree to it!

It's very difficult not to get overinvolved in solving someone else's problems for them if you're a caring person and have difficulty setting boundaries. But it will lead to nothing but stress and exhaustion, and potentially tank your own marriage and family life.

How do you think most people would respond if a new mate of six months asked to move into their home?

For an established friendship, I would say yes any day of the week.

Not for this though; she sounds like a drama llama, and although I'm very sorry for her predicament, I foresee a friendship for you where you're forever being dragged into this and helping her out.

As I said, I'd have no problem if it were someone I'd known for years, but it's entirely different in a new friendship where this kind of thing has dominated from the start. You wouldn't get involved if this were a new romantic liaison, and a new friendship shouldn't really be any different.

You could offer another kind of (self) help, where you put her in touch with Women's Aid, and housing agencies, etc. As someone from abroad, she may not be aware of what's available to her.

She sounds like a leech. She lined him up long distance so she could live with him (his poor parents!) and have him pay her way through uni.

I agree the setup with the boyfriend sounds like she is happy to live off people. Maybe he is trying to get rid of her hence his awful behaviour.

Don't text her again. If she's pissed you said no that's her problem. Thank goodness you had the sense to tell her no.

You havent heard from her cause shes trying too mooch someone else.
Dont text or engage with her.
If shes old enough to go to uni in a different country, shes old enough to sort herself out.

Don't text her again, hopefully she gets the message!!

I think you've dodged a bullet personally. I wouldn't contact her again, she's probably moved on to another mug. She does sound like my ex friend. Once I stopped falling for her bullshit she was happy enough to no longer be in contact. No chance of getting any more money from me, or of me running after her.

Do not text her again!