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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Second wedding presents

150 replies

WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 10/05/2018 15:27

A few weeks ago, DH's cousin announced that her & her husband are having a second wedding.

Their first wedding was very quiet, immediately family only (so we weren't invited), and we found out about it after the fact. No problem with this at all. I'm a firm believer in doing what you want for your wedding. We weren't offended not to be invited as we are not really close to that part of the family, but were happy to hear the news and sent a card and a bottle of champagne.

The second wedding announcement was on Facebook with pictures from an engagement photoshoot and said something like "we're planning a big party, you all better be there!". Along with about 200 other people, both DH & I liked the status and sent texts saying that the party sounded fun and we're looking forward to it. I was a bit Hmm at the engagement photoshoot but thought each to their own, maybe they didn't get the ring / wedding they really wanted first time around and are making up for it now.

DH is away for work this week. Last night, DH's aunt (mother of the 'bride') rang me. Aunt starts by telling me how upset they are that we haven't sent an "engagement present" to the cousin yet. I laughed and said "but they are already married!" ( also thinking, regardless of whether we were to get them a second wedding gift whenever it happens, SURELY people don't give "second engagement" gifts to married people?)

DH's aunt has taken grievous offence at this and proceeded to tell me that it is unfair that we got "thousands and thousands of pounds worth of wedding presents" and her DD missed out. And that I "needn't think that bottle of champagne lets me off the hook" and that we're expected to get her DD a "proper wedding present".

She started to gear up to complain about various things about our wedding (which was nearly 5 years ago!) but I was having none of it and told her that I wasn't going to discuss this any further, we're not sending an "engagement present", we'll decide on anything further once a second wedding invitation actually materializes, and that if she wants to slag off our wedding she can ring someone else.

I've spoken to DH and told him to deal with his rude aunt when he's back from his trip. He was totally shocked at her cheek but mostly we had a laugh about it.

I've since spoken to my lovely MIL who has also had a call from the aunt along similar lines. Aunt & cousin don't think its fair that she "missed out" on having her day being the center of attention. She specifically brought up the amount of money her DD received as wedding presents vs what she thinks other family members received for their weddings.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? You don't just decide to have another wedding because you want to fleece your relatives? And even if you do have another wedding, you don't get flipping engagement presents? And if you want to tell someone the gift they got you was crap, you don't wait 3 years to do it! Grin

Also, just for context : DH's cousin is the same age as us (and we are all in our 30s!) We said "no gifts" for our wedding because most of guests were travelling a really long way. However, some people did choose to give us gifts anyway and we were really grateful for these.
The cousin didn't get us anything, and the aunt was very offended that we had said "no gifts" because this was apparently was a clever rouse to make people give us "thousands and thousands in cash" instead of presents. The aunt gave us a hideous fruit bowl about six months later and said "I don't agree with subsidizing people's honeymoons" when she handed it over Grin

OP posts:
SabineUndine · 12/05/2018 15:57

Bowlzillas all round then. Grin

OP are you actually sure it’s not just the aunt stirring it all up for her daughter?

Jamiefraserskilt · 12/05/2018 16:32

Does the daughter know what her mother is up to?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/05/2018 16:46

Well then you're a selfish and mean CF for not giving at least one to me, then, Dahlietta

Bluebird29 · 12/05/2018 16:57

Make your own wrapping paper by photocopying £20 notes!

Bluebird29 · 12/05/2018 16:58

Seeing the money you haven’t sent should drive them mad!

CFTrollsSmell · 12/05/2018 17:01

OP, just curious but have you posted before? I think I recognise you?
👀👀👀

LML83 · 12/05/2018 17:09

Aunt is outrageous. Don't assume couple know what she is saying to guests though.

Jamiefraserskilt · 12/05/2018 18:12

I need some bits for the house and some plastering done. Perhaps dh and I should do a rerun?!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/05/2018 19:02

Well, they don't necessarily always simultaneously have fruit in them. One is currently full of pens and bits of lego, but it's definitely one of at least three fruit bowls

Fruit bowls rarely actually hold fruit in my experience.

Ours has four dog leads in it.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 12/05/2018 19:10

In genuinely astonished every time I read these threads that these people exist. That is astonishingly rude. Who does that?

WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 12/05/2018 19:23

Nothing new to update yet but I’m meeting my MIL for lunch tomorrow so fingers crossed for an update then. I’m loving all the fruit bowl and fruit suggestions!

Sabine & kilt I think you may have a point, the Aunt is a bit of a drama queen so it wouldn’t be out of character for her to start seeing insults where none are intended.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 12/05/2018 20:11

Please make sure fruit figures in your lunch somehow!!

Sweetpea55 · 12/05/2018 20:49

Another vote for the fruit bowl

bastardkitty · 12/05/2018 20:50

If you're giving the fruit bowl, be sure to include two kiwi fruits and a banana

mrsFruitLoops · 12/05/2018 21:01

Dammit I'm missing a trick here.
My wedding was small....30 guests (10 of whuch were kids) so we didn't get many presents. My db and husbands ds both had big weddings (not to each other ) with hundreds of guests. I may have a 2nd wedding...but expect 2nd engagement presents too.... fab idea!!!

Haha cf-ery at its best x

WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 14/05/2018 14:58

I saw my MIL yesterday, of course second wedding & Aunt's batshit present solicitation were our main topics of conversation!

MIL isn't sure how much the cousin is involved in (/responsible for?) her mum ringing round to drum up presents, BUT also said the Aunt has been dropping hints for months about how upset Cousin was at missing out on a big wedding celebration. (For background, there have been a lot of weddings and christenings in DH's extended family over the past 12-18 months so possibly a bit of envy at the "fuss" made for other family members vs cousin's wedding).

Aunt told my MIL that the second engagement is "because they didn't get to do that last time" and the cousin should have an engagement ring. It sounds like they are intending to have a big church ceremony (or a blessing/vow renewal, whatever you do in these circumstances) and to do all the preliminary events that they didn't do last time. According to Aunt, Cousin is very upset that people haven't been making a big fuss over her engagement ring / photos and feels snubbed.

I asked MIL if Aunt gave her any inkling why we were on the shit-list. Supposedly because DH & I both text the cousin after her FB post to say congratulations and that we were looking forward to a party this showed that we are "only interested in coming along for a free party" and "it isn't though we can't afford to send her a present because we send them to everyone for every little thing" (I need an eyeroll emoji here).

But we are not the only people on the Aunt's shit-list. MIL mentioned that there is some tension between the Aunt and her DIL over her involvement in granddaughter's christening last year. I don't know any details, but it feels like stirring up a load of drama over this "second wedding" is her way of compensating for being pushed aside. We gave a christening present to the granddaughter, so I'm wondering if that was another reason for the Aunt deciding we can give an engagement gift!

As it stands, everyone is eye-rolling at the Aunt's behaviour. No-one has sent engagement presents to the Cousin. The Cousin has been very quiet so not sure if she knows about the Aunt's behaviour (DH is going to talk to the Cousin about it)

I'm going to try to nip this in the bud by not giving oxygen to the Aunt's attempts to stir up drama in the family. Otherwise god knows how long this will carry on!
Sadly, I think regifting the fruit bowl would just fuel the crazy but all the ideas and links have given me a good laugh Grin but thank you for all your replies :)

OP posts:
BigPinkBall · 14/05/2018 15:15

But she’s not engaged, engaged means engaged to be married and she’s already married! Does she understand the timeline of wedding rituals? you can’t really do them out of order. Utterly utterly bizarre!

QueenDaisy · 14/05/2018 15:22

Why do some people have to be like this, I wouldn’t go to the second engagement/wedding/renewal of vows thing, I’d be washing my hair that day. If the cousin feels like she should have an engagement ring, then she can ask her husband to buy her one. But what she really wants is lots of presents, I wouldn’t be buying one of those either Smile

billybagpuss · 14/05/2018 15:45

So how many people has she phoned then? I'm very glad its not just you.

I wouldn't even consider an engagement present, card yes, but no present but second engagement present, very weird.

Hobbity Grin. that made my day FIL is ace.

How did I miss this thread at the weekend? Flowers (please pretend the flowers are a fruit bowl)

BlueSapp · 14/05/2018 16:52

If she wanted the big fuss, do it the first time don't try and relive the past!

ZenNudist · 14/05/2018 19:21

Love this. Surely it will make DM.

fourfuckssake4 · 14/05/2018 23:14

Was the first wedding a 'shotgun one' just re-gift the plastic fruit Wink

maras2 · 15/05/2018 07:18

zen
It already did on Saturday Smile

WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 15/05/2018 11:14

four First wedding wasn’t shotgun and no visa issues or anything like that. They’ve been together for around 8 years (so 5 at time of the wedding). I don’t know what prompted them to have a small wedding the first time around, I assumed that was what they wanted and if there were other factors in the decision (illness for example) I don’t know about them.

billy I know of at least 4 phone calls (inc me & MIL) but who knows how far the madness has spread!

I understand feeling disappointed about aspects of wedding day, but doing it over again until it’s “right” seems very weird to me. That’s without opening the box of frogs about second wedding presents!

OP posts:
ParentInCharge · 15/05/2018 11:42

This reminds me of when my Stepdad told my brother (stepbrother actually) that he's "Better get us a decent present then!" When he and SIL declined our wedding invite. I wasn't actually bothered that they weren't coming as SIL completely snubbed our side of the family for their her wedding. We were invited of course but placed at the far end of the room by the toilet doors along with the bride's mother's workmates. There wasn't even a welcome drink for my DD (groom's niece). I was asked to buy one from the bar by the bride's mum when I took one from the children's welcome drinks table like I'd just wandered in from the street for freebies 😂.
I was mortified DStepdad had said that. We even had a no gift request.

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