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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Second wedding presents

150 replies

WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 10/05/2018 15:27

A few weeks ago, DH's cousin announced that her & her husband are having a second wedding.

Their first wedding was very quiet, immediately family only (so we weren't invited), and we found out about it after the fact. No problem with this at all. I'm a firm believer in doing what you want for your wedding. We weren't offended not to be invited as we are not really close to that part of the family, but were happy to hear the news and sent a card and a bottle of champagne.

The second wedding announcement was on Facebook with pictures from an engagement photoshoot and said something like "we're planning a big party, you all better be there!". Along with about 200 other people, both DH & I liked the status and sent texts saying that the party sounded fun and we're looking forward to it. I was a bit Hmm at the engagement photoshoot but thought each to their own, maybe they didn't get the ring / wedding they really wanted first time around and are making up for it now.

DH is away for work this week. Last night, DH's aunt (mother of the 'bride') rang me. Aunt starts by telling me how upset they are that we haven't sent an "engagement present" to the cousin yet. I laughed and said "but they are already married!" ( also thinking, regardless of whether we were to get them a second wedding gift whenever it happens, SURELY people don't give "second engagement" gifts to married people?)

DH's aunt has taken grievous offence at this and proceeded to tell me that it is unfair that we got "thousands and thousands of pounds worth of wedding presents" and her DD missed out. And that I "needn't think that bottle of champagne lets me off the hook" and that we're expected to get her DD a "proper wedding present".

She started to gear up to complain about various things about our wedding (which was nearly 5 years ago!) but I was having none of it and told her that I wasn't going to discuss this any further, we're not sending an "engagement present", we'll decide on anything further once a second wedding invitation actually materializes, and that if she wants to slag off our wedding she can ring someone else.

I've spoken to DH and told him to deal with his rude aunt when he's back from his trip. He was totally shocked at her cheek but mostly we had a laugh about it.

I've since spoken to my lovely MIL who has also had a call from the aunt along similar lines. Aunt & cousin don't think its fair that she "missed out" on having her day being the center of attention. She specifically brought up the amount of money her DD received as wedding presents vs what she thinks other family members received for their weddings.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? You don't just decide to have another wedding because you want to fleece your relatives? And even if you do have another wedding, you don't get flipping engagement presents? And if you want to tell someone the gift they got you was crap, you don't wait 3 years to do it! Grin

Also, just for context : DH's cousin is the same age as us (and we are all in our 30s!) We said "no gifts" for our wedding because most of guests were travelling a really long way. However, some people did choose to give us gifts anyway and we were really grateful for these.
The cousin didn't get us anything, and the aunt was very offended that we had said "no gifts" because this was apparently was a clever rouse to make people give us "thousands and thousands in cash" instead of presents. The aunt gave us a hideous fruit bowl about six months later and said "I don't agree with subsidizing people's honeymoons" when she handed it over Grin

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/05/2018 18:18

I'm almost jealous- my family never do anything as entertaining as this! You could get months of fun out of it all - enjoy!

bastardkitty · 10/05/2018 18:24

They sound charming. Send a card saying 'sorry we can't be there but we hope the wedding helps you to move on from the affair' and then RGTFB obviously Wink

TheHeightSupremacist · 10/05/2018 18:27

Placemarking Grin

Ski40 · 10/05/2018 18:35

Woah your aunt sounds charming. I would ignore the whole thing. It's embarrassing... 😂

PanPanPanPing · 10/05/2018 18:49

I thought this thread was going to be about a second marriage for either the bride and/or the groom and what to do about presents.

But what a bizarre scenario, in this case!

Buy them a 'stunt pineapple' to go with the re-gifted fruit bowl!

Emma198 · 10/05/2018 18:52

I actually don't have a response to this 😂😂😂😂😂

IsabelleSE19 · 10/05/2018 19:05

In some ways you have to admire people that are this cheeky – how do you get to be a grown adult with such a massive lack of self-awareness?

PandaPieForTea · 10/05/2018 19:36

Do people normally send engagement presents?

I’d be very surprised if many people ‘turn a profit’ on their weddings if you compare the cost of the event with the value of the gifts. Obviously that isn’t the point of weddings, so it doesn’t matter to most.

I’m intrigued to know what the cousin has planned for the party as clearly there’s not much point in spending more on the party if it’s all about the presents. They could just skip the guests and go shopping instead.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 10/05/2018 19:40

Why doesn't the loon just buy herself her 'wedding' gifts with the money she was going to pay for the wedding instead...I do agree on re gift the fruit bowl though Grin

expatinscotland · 10/05/2018 19:44

'Do people normally send engagement presents?'

I would think a card would be sufficient. For a second wedding, a card and perhaps a bottle of fizz.

AmazingPostVoices · 10/05/2018 20:00

Do people normally send engagement presents

Only if I am very sure they are actually going to get married.

KirstenRaymonde · 10/05/2018 20:17

This is absolutely astounding. Who are these people?!

Shameless placemarking. OP please update us as this unfolds.

T1M2N3T4 · 10/05/2018 20:36

"Stunt pineapple" Grin

Cliveybaby · 11/05/2018 10:51

hmm... I'm starting to feel like I've missed out...
We got a bottle of champagne from my aunt, and quite a few cards when we got engaged, but no "presents".
Maybe I should run it again!

MarthasGinYard · 11/05/2018 10:55

Who rattled her cage

WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 11/05/2018 12:18

The aunt has always been a bit tone deaf in social situations, and the cousin is her PFB. In the aunt's eyes, her DD can do no wrong and has to be properly adored by everyone.

One example, a couple of years ago we were all at a family gathering to celebrate another cousin's 18th birthday. Younger Cousin was in last year of A levels and there was lots of talk about which unis he applied to.
Aunt Awful said "oh, Bristol. Well you've got a long way to go to catch up with my DD!" ... admittedly her DD went to Oxford, but so what? You don't need to brag about your kids results 11 years after the fact, especially in a way that put down her nephew ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

OP posts:
WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 11/05/2018 12:21

No updates from CFC and CFA as yet, but had a message from my lovely FIL (CFA is his sister so I think he's getting the second hand cringe worse than anyone). He said "all this second wedding stuff sounds a bit hobbit-ey to me" Grin

OP posts:
DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 11/05/2018 12:28

My mum's a bit like that. She wanted me to invite more and more people to my wedding and engagement as in her eyes you get more presents and money Hmm

But mum, I don't know Mark who trims your bushes!
Doesn't matter apparently, coz I'll get more cash!! Confused

MrsMozart · 11/05/2018 12:37

Am loving the fruit bowl Grin

Don't suppose you still have the wrapping paper from it...?

shakingmyhead1 · 11/05/2018 12:41

to be honest if she wanted the "full experience" an all the "loot" she should have invited you all to the actual wedding when it actually happened... give her the bloody fruit bowl

Zucker · 11/05/2018 12:41

So are they just pretending the first didn't happen. Mass amnesia?

NeverTwerkNaked · 11/05/2018 12:42

Definitely RGTFB. Total genius solution!

WaffleTheFreezerAlligator · 11/05/2018 12:49

MrsMozart I don’t have the wrapping paper but I’m wondering if I can get some printed with a pattern of £50 notes!

OP posts:
Dustysparrow · 11/05/2018 12:50

I can't actually believe that people like this exist. The level of entitlement is off the scale!!!!

If somebody phoned me up and said what your aunt said to you OP they would rue the day they were so bloody rude and grabby, I would send them on their way with a right dressing down. I can see where the 'bride' inherits her grabbiness from!!!

MrsMozart · 11/05/2018 12:56

Waffle I'm liking that idea Grin

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