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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've been backed into a corner?

328 replies

DippyDiplodocus · 09/05/2018 23:06

So the story goes:

I'm getting married to my fiancé in September this year.

Getting married at a small hotel. There are a limited amount of rooms which have been reserved for certain special guests I.e bridesmaids, best man and family so we can all have a nice breakfast the morning after the wedding. We wanted this to kind of be an extension of the wedding celebrations but for it to be a little more intimate with a select few special people.

Fast forward to today.

I remind two of my four bridesmaids that the rooms are due for payment soon - this has all been pre arranged and agreed upon by them months and months ago.
They were both happy to pay to stay in the rooms and so I reserved one each for them and put non refundable deposits down on both rooms in order to secure them.

They now mention that they have asked another wedding guest plus her husband, who were not on the list of people who were to stay, if they would like to stay the night in the hotel and join in with the supposed intimate breakfast the next morning. This is the first I have heard of such an offer as I had never intended for the guests in question to stay over with us.

AIBU to be majorly pissed off about this?

Obviously I like the guests but we only wanted a select few with us. I now feel as though I've been backed into a corner and have to offer these people a room because they have been pretty much promised it by the bridesmaids without first consulting me or my fiancé.

Not only that but I've now got to re-jig all the rooms for the guests to accommodate this new couple, which is a ball ache but not impossible.

I just feel really frustrated that this has happened behind my back, five days before the rooms should be finalised. I feel like it's quite rude to just assume that my fiancé and I wouldn't mind so just advised this couple they can have what they like.

For context I'm also 26 weeks pregnant, tired, in pain with SPD, Working full time, did I mention tired, trying to organise the final stuff for the wedding, trying not to stress.... argh!

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 10/05/2018 10:45

Just an idea:

  1. Breathe. You've got a lot on at the moment but it's OK. This is perfectly doable.
  1. You're fine with the BMs sharing - no problem. You can re-jig the rooms.
  1. Decide if you want this other couple coming to the breakfast.

It sounds like you don't - no worries - you can do this:

  1. Contact them, or better still, get your mum or moh to do this and say something like, "Hi! Heard from XXX that you were hoping to stay at the XXX on the night. So sorry, but we have it reserved for the wedding party. There's a lovely place just down the road though: XXX Tel xxx. I'm sure they will be able to help. Love, OP xx". (Look on TripAdvisor to make sure you recommend a good place.)
  1. Msg the BMs something like: "Hi! No problem with you sharing a room - will get that confirmed. New price will be £xx each. .. Have messaged xxx to let them know, with apologies, that the hotel is reserved for the wedding party only. (Sorry, forgot to say, we're planning an intimate breakfast in the morning and would hate anyone to feel uncomfortable.) We've recommended somewhere else locally which has great reviews so am sure they will be OK."
MarthasGinYard · 10/05/2018 10:46

I read these threads and think am I literally to laid back for my own good as It wouldn't even figure on my list to give a second thought

SandAndSea · 10/05/2018 10:55

@MarthasGinYard - I think it's different when you don't see close family etc very often and it's your wedding, the first day of your honeymoon. Also, people get invited to weddings for many different reasons - doesn't mean the couple want to spend their honeymoon with them! Smile

KarmaStar · 10/05/2018 10:57

It's your wedding OP and it's lovely to spend the next morning with close family and friends chatting about the previous day.having an extra couple who don't fit in can alter the dynamics of the group.
Explain to the bridesmaids about this and ask why they invited them ,it might come out it was for financial reasons.
Ask them to either:tell the other couple they made a mistake and it's not possible for them to stay(and possibly have to chip in with room cost)or let them bunk up and the other couple stay and ask the hotel if they can reserve you a big table with enough seats for family and all agree to eat at a certain time.I'm sure the other couple will respect your wishes for this,and probably will enjoy a leisurely breakfast alone anyway.
Yes it does seem you are backed into a corner.
But I hope you have a fantastic wedding dayFlowers

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/05/2018 10:58

Ahh come on now! It’s reaching a (fair) bit to call breakfast their honeymoon! Grin you don’t tend to have your parents and bridesmaids on your honeymoon either!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 10/05/2018 11:00

People can stay in hotels if they choose to... Personally I think the idea of an "intimate" breakfast the day after your wedding sounds really creepy weird. Maybe the guests are viewing the stay over as simply more expedient than cabbing home, and don't quite get the importance of the breakfast to you?
I wouldn't.

Confusedbeetle · 10/05/2018 11:03

Anyone can stay in a hotel if they book and arrange and pay for their own rooms. Leave them to it. Many people prefer to stay at the venue and avoid taxis etc. It would be bridezilla to want to be in control of where they book to stay. Just stay out of it. They should be free to make whatever bookings they want. If the hotel has rooms, ok, if not they cant. Simple

MadMags · 10/05/2018 11:04

Stop being such massive cunts to the OP just because she wants to do something you deem a bad idea, ffs.

OP, I understand now that you've explained further. If you can take the hit financially, I would message bridesmaids saying "if you're sharing a room that's grand but I won't be able to give the other room to X and Y so can you let them know? Thanks."

Let them have the awkward conversation, they shouldn't have done this without checking. You don't need an explanation but if you want to provide one, say you're bringing a sitter for the baby or something!

Original poster
DippyDiplodocus · 10/05/2018 11:05

It would be massively rude of you to allow anyone who had gone to the expense of purchasing outfits, gifts, hotel room and travel expenses for your wedding to feel uncomfortable at breakfast the next morning.

Sorry - completely misunderstood, will try again Confused

So the whole point is that technically I didn't invite them to stay at the venue and so they shouldn't have been at the breakfast the next day anyway, in which case there's nothing to be massively rude about.
Obviously I wouldn't intentionally make them feel awkward or try to exclude them or anything like that if they were to be at the breakfast.
Hence the title of the post - I do feel a bit backed into a corner because I felt as though I had to accommodate them as I didn't know what they had been told or promised by the BMs.

OP posts:
DollyLlama · 10/05/2018 11:07

Just get the bridesmaids to bunk up as they intend, let this other couple have the room but get the bridesmaids to tell them (as they were the ones to offer) "Sorry I didn't realise the morning breakfast was for immediate family only. By all means you can stay in the room but there is no room at the breakfast".

Original poster
DippyDiplodocus · 10/05/2018 11:08

FFS I know that people can stay in a hotel if they wish to but this is a small venue with rooms reserved for certain guests only. It's not open to the public so yes, it is different.
That's why I provided names and numbers of nice local hotels for other guests should they wish to stay the night.

OP posts:
Offthebandwagonagain · 10/05/2018 11:12

I think you should talk to bridesmaids and say you booked rooms and breakfast for immediate family and friends only - it’s an exclusive use venue for the wedding and had you realised the BMs wanted to share you could have offered the room to ‘auntie x’ etc.

Id ask the BMs to explain this to the couple (if you really don’t want them to stay), but you need to remember that you liked them enough to ask them to your wedding so what harm would it really do in the scheme of things? Will it make them feel uncomfortable on the day itself if they know they aren’t wanted to stay overnight?....

If you don’t want them to stay then they need to be told that rooms were booked purely for Bridal party and immediate family and that now BMs are bunking up, the room has already been offered to ‘x relative’ instead and you hope they understand....

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 10/05/2018 11:12

No room at the breakfast... Do the invitees actually know they're being summoned to breakfast the next morning?

Offthebandwagonagain · 10/05/2018 11:13

BMs shouldn’t have put you in this position, I’d be pissed off too x

Thespringsthething · 10/05/2018 11:14

I think the bigger issue is: do you have someone else to stay in the other room?

If you do, it's worth putting the other guests out (in a gentle nice way).

If you don't, and you aren't prepared to pay for it to remain empty, then these guests being there are saving you money.

If you have a better alternative, or someone you really want to take that room, I'd move now on it.

It is a bit annoying the BM did this without asking which is why I think they think they are doing you a favour filling the now vacant room- if they are not (which seems to be the case), let them know and reallocate the room as you prefer.

Louislovesmud · 10/05/2018 11:28

I may be misunderstanding this thread, but the way I've read the OPs posts is that the room aspect isn't ideal but that it's not the main issue.

The actual root of her annoyance is that she now feels she needs to include this couple in what is essentially a private family type meal (with a few close friends as well) and that since they are not close friends/family this will change the dynamic/take away from the feel of the breakfast/mean that she's distracted by trying to ensure this couple feel included etc

Why don't you just speak to the BMs and push it back on to them to let the guests know they're welcome to stay in the now spare room but that the breakfast is only for the wedding party.

Motoko · 10/05/2018 11:37

I wish people would read OP's posts and realise this is not a hotel open to the public. All the rooms are reserved for the bridal party.

OP, you've had several ideas on how to handle this, so pick one and do it, stop wringing your hands. There are other hotels this couple can stay at, so either get your BMs to speak to them (although, to be honest, I wouldn't trust them to sort it out), you speak to this couple, or ask your mum/mil to speak to them.
There is no need to accept the situation and have this couple crash your breakfast.

PrimalLass · 10/05/2018 11:58

Maybe the guests are viewing the stay over as simply more expedient than cabbing home, and don't quite get the importance of the breakfast to you?

It's probably safe to assume she has told them her plans when she sorted this out.

Twofigsnotgiven · 10/05/2018 12:00

If you have agreed to exclusive use, then it’s not appropriate for the BMs to decide who should have the fifth room. I can’t see a problem if they want to share a room to save money, but the spare room should revert to you to offer to someone else. The BMs may not have realised this or about the breakfast.
Don’t honestly know why this has blown up so much. Surely just a quiet word explaining the exclusive use deal. Bit embarrassing all round, but is does not need to escalate if it’s dealt with quickly and kindly.

emmyrose2000 · 10/05/2018 12:03

the way I've read the OPs posts is that the room aspect isn't ideal but that it's not the main issue

The actual root of her annoyance is that she now feels she needs to include this couple in what is essentially a private family type meal (with a few close friends as well) and that since they are not close friends/family this will change the dynamic/take away from the feel of the breakfast/mean that she's distracted by trying to ensure this couple feel included etc

That's how I read it too. I think a lot of people are missing this point.

If the bridesmaids want to share a room for whatever reason, then more power to them. But it most definitely wasn't/isn't their place to offer up the other room - and, more importantly, an invitation to the breakfast - to someone else. Therefore they need to be the ones to tell the other couple that the spare room isn't available after all.

OP, do you actually have someone else you'd like to offer the room too, such as a relative?

Dancingmonkey87 · 10/05/2018 12:07

These aren’t outsides these are your wedding guests who might want to stay the night in the hotel where the wedding is. Your being a massively brideszilla

MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2018 12:16

Sandandsea has the perfect and straightforward solution above. YANBU to wish for an intimate breakfast for the central guests but this is being overdone as there are quite easy ways to get out of it.

And for those who think people won’t attend I beg to differ. It’s a lovely way to round off the event even if everyone is knackered and hung over. After one rather long wedding day my ds, aged 21, took an over optimistic leap over a five bar gate and totally mashed his face. We spent several hours in A&E and felt, well, interesting,the next morning. He looked even more interesting with his blackening eyes and stitches but we bloody well made it to the breakfast. Smile

Sorry for your loss and enjoy your special day with your very special new baby. Flowers

PrimalLass · 10/05/2018 12:26

She's not being a bridezilla at all. It's more like a private house than a hotel by the sound of it. With rooms for the wedding party. The bridesmaids should never have offered that up.

Original poster
DippyDiplodocus · 10/05/2018 12:28

OP, you've had several ideas on how to handle this, so pick one and do it, stop wringing your hands.

Didn't realise I was "wringing my hands" - thought I was just answering questions that PPs had asked me?

I appreciate all the input, thank you everyone.

I don't feel like I need to add anything more to this now.

OP posts:
PattiStanger · 10/05/2018 12:31

Ignoring the posters who seem to be missing the point can you answer whether you have actually had a conversation with the BMs where you have explained your plans for the breakfast and asked nicely if they can uninvite the extra couple from the private wedding only/not open to the general public venue?

Why is it so hard to understand that the bride would like a breakfast with only her family and very close friends? Being invited to the wedding doesn't mean you're automatically welcome at a family event the next day.

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