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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Never missed a bedtime, am I weird

139 replies

puzzled90 · 09/05/2018 21:02

DC is 2 and I have only missed 1 bath time and bedtime and that was because I was ill. Dh has missed many a bath and bedtime as 1. He works a variety of shifts, and 2. He goes out a lot, especially at weekends.

We were arguing about something else when he stated I was weird and crazy for not wanting to miss a bathtime and that I needed to get a life.

For background, both work full time and DC goes to nursery full time. I work nornal office hours with some travelling involved and he does a mix of days and nights

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 10/05/2018 10:39

So in 2 years you have never been missed bedtime / bathtime as you have been out with friends? Or out with your DP? Or with family?

Yes a bit weird sorry.

MaryShelley1818 · 10/05/2018 10:41

It’s actually 3nts/2days due to flight times. I’ve expressed since day 1 so have no concerns about supply.
While I understand that many people wouldn’t go abroad OR be away for 3nts - which I certainly see why would be too much for some people, we’re talking about extremes here. I said some time, it’s not either/or and I stand by my opinion that to not have any time at all or to have missed a single bath in 2yrs is odd/unusual.
Nothing to do with judging, the OP asked so I gave my opinion.
I didn’t create a thread about my choices and didn’t ask for opinions as I’m completely secure in my choices.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 10:44

Maybe she socialises with friends/family in the day time or after bed time? She did say they've kept DC up late with them to do family functions
My DH goes out every week but he leaves just after DS is in bed. More coincidence of timing as I do bed on those nights but it is possible.

And surely its perfectly "normal" to not get a night out with DH at this age because of child care (just as it would be normal to have one)

MaryShelley1818 · 10/05/2018 10:48

I didn’t say it wasn’t normal...I said it was odd/unusual which in my experience it is (although probably not in my mother’s day where it was more expected that women did all the childcare and didn’t have any time off for ‘fun’)
I think ‘most’ people (especially judging by this thread) is in agreement - not that that makes it wrong per se, just that it is in fact ‘odd’ and well the OP did ask.

mistermagpie · 10/05/2018 10:49

It's 'weird' just unusual I suppose. I've got a one year old and a two year old, so both need supervision at bath and bedtime, and even if I'm in the house I don't always do it. They have a dad and he's perfectly capable of caring for his children without my help.

I don't have a massive social life but have hobbies which take me out in the evenings, DH is fine on his own with the kids and I'd be very unhappy if he wasn't. I do think it's important to have interests and do things away from your children and it's even more important that their other parent is equally as capable of looking after them. If they aren't then there's something going wrong somewhere and if they are but you just don't trust them, then that's even worse.

Shrodingerslion · 10/05/2018 10:50

Who said anything about not trusting your partner?

I think people are taking this from inference ( a GCSE skill) not saying its fact but the fact her husband has brought these issues up does seem to suggest he isn’t happy about it.

Dieu · 10/05/2018 10:51

It is a bit weird (sorry! ), and I am in agreement with your husband. Why wouldn't you want to start getting your life back a bit, and going out of an evening? It just seems so unnecessarily dull.

Dieu · 10/05/2018 10:54

And surely its perfectly "normal" to not get a night out with DH at this age because of child care

I disagree, and strongly believe that it spells trouble for a relationship, when it's all about the kids to this degree.

PieAndPumpkins · 10/05/2018 11:01

That is true, she did ask. It sounds like her hesitation in her life choices stemmed from her husbands spiteful comment though more than that she's wanting to be a martyr. We obviously don't know all the details, maybe she refuses to go out with DH on an evening so that's why he's upset. If there is no underlying issue though, providing she's happy with her social situation, and is simply choosing to always be there for bedtime... then, live your life how you want OP, it's your's to spend and it doesn't make you odd. IMO anyway

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 11:04

Dieu many parents have no choice. It isn't bout being precious over who watches them sleep, it's simply a fact of life. How is child care issues making it all about the kids unless you advocate leaving them home alone

MyBreadIsEggy · 10/05/2018 11:06

I’ve missed a few bath times, but have never missed a bedtime with my youngest purely because he will not settle with anyone else! We have tried, but the second dh tries to give him some milk, he starts screaming “mama!” at the top of his lungs until I go and take over. I won’t leave him that upset, so I just do bedtime! He won’t be little forever!!

Dieu · 10/05/2018 11:08

If they sleep through the night, then I honestly don't see what's wrong with using a friend or babysitter. Lots of nursery staff do babysitting 'homer' jobs too.
I am no party animal, but no night out as a couple in 2 years? This genuinely baffles me.

mellowW · 10/05/2018 11:09

I think it's a little unusual. We have childcare most Saturday evenings so miss bedtime then. Usually DH and I are both involved with bedtime / bathtime routines on the other 6 days. Having said that, I missed 3 last week for different reasons.

DCs (7 and 4) don't care. They know we're usually there but accept that sometimes we aren't.

It isn't a badge of honor to be there for every bath. In fact, it sounds vaguely unhealthy for all involved.

Dieu · 10/05/2018 11:11

He would end up taking it if you persevered and he had no other choice! i.e. if you weren't home.

Man, I feel like a total bitch now, but absolutely couldn't bear that lack of independence

I don't think I'd win any prizes for earth mother of the year, but I am a good mum ... honest!

Confusedbeetle · 10/05/2018 11:11

Not at all weird. It is a lovely time. Always my favourite. Even if we went out I liked to do that bit first. With older children, I found bedtime was the only one to one protected time and the best time for them to talk about anything that was on their mind or worrying them. A very special time, enjoy it and don't think anything of it. Miss the odd one by all means, but keep it special

harlaandgoddard · 10/05/2018 11:14

So your DH has never done a bath/bedtime by himself? Doesn’t he want to? Yes I think that’s weird.

I don’t get your update. Do you mean your DH was at home and you left work to pick up DC, without telling him? Again yes that’s weird if I’m understanding correctly. If your DH was at home you should have just told him and got on with your day.

catinapoolofsunshine · 10/05/2018 11:15

It's not "wierd" but probably unusual. It's a tiny bit weird to make it into a "thing" rather than just being how it's worked out, I guess.

I would say that by age 2 it would be better if your DH did some more bedtimes without you, just because your child is of an age now when they know what their normal is. If you are absolutely always there, then if you are rushed into hospital, or your best friend or family member is in a car crash and you need to go to them, or for some reason its career impactingly important you go to a one off evening or far away work thing... or whatever and you have to be away, your child is going to be worried and unsettled if they are used to you always, no matter what, being the one who tucks them in.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 11:16

I am no party animal, but no night out as a couple in 2 years? This genuinely baffles me.
More like nearly 3. We had our first night out as a couple at 34 months. We managed a few cinema dates within a 2 hour afternoon slot.

Growingboys · 10/05/2018 11:16

Def weird

Dieu · 10/05/2018 11:17

Confused Bathtime before a night out? You couldn't pay me enough! I'd be too busy getting ready to go out.

Somehow don't think I belong on this thread ... although hats off to those of you who obviously love parenthood as much as you do

catinapoolofsunshine · 10/05/2018 11:20

Oh the chicken pox update is weird though!

Are you saying that your DH has the day off anyway, and wants to look after your sick child, but you are meant to be working and have work meetings scheduled and have rearranged meetings to work from home because you won't "let" your DH look after your mutual child?

Why?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 11:23

Dieu surely as long as you're all happy and cared for though it shouldn't matter. I don't think its weird you go out, I'm jealous when I see friend with small babies booking nights away but I don't think their weird or bad parents. Some puerile can and some can't. Simple.

TJsAunt · 10/05/2018 11:25

So this is not really about bathtime is it?

There seems to be some kind of competition over who is the better parent going on - the fact that you have only missed 1 bathtime is really irrelevant here - as is the fact that your dh would sometimes rather watch football than do bathtime.

If you enjoy doing this, then go for it, but don't be a martyr to it?

Equally, as a veteran of some 14 years, I would really recommend that you do get some regular time to go out just the 2 of you. Priorities do change post kids, and going out will never be quite the same - but without a shared social life, what are you building your future on? Prioritising your kids over your life as couple all the time cannot be a positive thing in the longer run.

Dieu · 10/05/2018 11:25

Yes, and each to their own. I get that, I do. It's not a choice I would embrace, but vive la différence!

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 11:26

Welcome to parenting a medically complex kid everyone is scared of caring for!

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