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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Never missed a bedtime, am I weird

139 replies

puzzled90 · 09/05/2018 21:02

DC is 2 and I have only missed 1 bath time and bedtime and that was because I was ill. Dh has missed many a bath and bedtime as 1. He works a variety of shifts, and 2. He goes out a lot, especially at weekends.

We were arguing about something else when he stated I was weird and crazy for not wanting to miss a bathtime and that I needed to get a life.

For background, both work full time and DC goes to nursery full time. I work nornal office hours with some travelling involved and he does a mix of days and nights

OP posts:

GrandTheftWalrus · 09/05/2018 21:30

I've missed loads of bathtimes and bedtimes. And she's only 17 months old. She stays at my parents house regularly and some of my work finishes at 11pm.

Also work away from home sometimes. Has to be done.

Ticketsfrom · 09/05/2018 21:31

Yes, it’s weird.

ineedabagformyhippo · 09/05/2018 21:32

How on earth is it weird?? I've three DC and have missed bedtime twice in 7 years. We have no family nearby and if I make plans I just make them for after bedtime. Everyone is different though. What I think is a bigger issue is your DHs comment, get a life? For wanting to put your children to bed?! What a lovely man he sounds!

fruityb · 09/05/2018 21:32

I have probably missed three bedtimes - other than the three sleepovers he’s had - as it’s just the way it’s fallen. I’m always home in the evenings and dh and I have had three nights out together since ds was born. Bath time I’m not fussed about and I haven’t made a special effort to be at home for bedtime - I just am!

It’s not weird; if that’s how your evening falls then that’s that. It would be weird if you said you made a point of being there and had said no to things in case you missed one.

Skarossinkplunger · 09/05/2018 21:35

I think it’s more weird that you appear to have turned this into some sort of stick to beat your husband with.

Notevilstepmother · 09/05/2018 21:36

I’ve often done bathtime with nieces or friends kids. You don’t have to do it every time. However if you want to that’s fine.

What I find weird more is that your DH hasn’t done bathtimes alone. Most mums I know would leave dad to do bathtime once in awhile for a break.

Eveforever · 09/05/2018 21:38

It's weird people think it's weird imo.

What were you actually arguing about?

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/05/2018 21:40

I don't think its weird.
Hes only 2.
If he was ten it would be well weird.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 09/05/2018 21:44

No, of course you’re not weird, especially since you work out of the home.

I did bedtime with the dc every night til they had stopped bfing- 23 months for dd, 3 years for ds...

Your husband is unkind, though.

Quartz2208 · 09/05/2018 21:44

Is he going to facilitate it though?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2018 21:44

Can’t see the problem if it’s nice and enjoyable routine that you both value

christinarossetti · 09/05/2018 21:45

I had probably only missed one or two when I'd had a long travel home from work at that age.

I think that's pretty normal tbh. Dd refused to let anyone else near her if I was around. By the time she was 2.2, she had a younger sibling, so I was definitely in in the evenings. No family help available (would have jumped at it if there had been). When we went out, we'd go after she was asleep.

I don't feel precious about it though.

SockQueen · 09/05/2018 21:45

I've missed a fair few as I sometimes work lates or night shifts so DH or very occasionally grandparents have to do bath/bed. If I'm at home then I always do bedtime (DS is 19 months, still bf so won't settle without if I'm around).

If your working patterns don't mean that you have to miss it, I don't think there's anything weird about always being there, but if it's affecting your evening plans then you can think about changing your habits.

Prestonsflowers · 09/05/2018 21:46

By saying you’ve only missed 1 bedtime/bath time and your DH has missed loads, are you pissed off with him because he’d rather watch football and go out a lot?
If so then tell him

Isadora666 · 09/05/2018 21:53

Best tome of t

Strokethefurrywall · 09/05/2018 21:54

It's not weird to never miss a bedtime.

It is weird to wear it as a badge of honor to prove you're a more devoted parent. So yes, YABU.

So what if he'd rather watch football, sometimes I'd rather do anything else other than put my kids to bed and read Good Night Good Night Construction Site for the 100th time...

DH and I often do rock, paper, scissors as to who has to do it.

Maryann1975 · 09/05/2018 21:57

I don’t think you are weird at all. I get why others find it weird, but I find some of what they do weird too. there was a thread yesterday that read like it was a competition- I left my baby at 6 weeks old, well I left mine at 6 days, well I left mine at 15 hours to go to a football game. I find that weird, but that’s what makes our society what it is, we are all different and what works for one doesn’t work for another family.
Is your husband missing spending time with you? Is this his way of saying he thinks you need to spend some time just the two of you, maybe getting a babysitter? Do you maybe take over so he doesn’t have to do bath time and he doesn’t know how to say he wants some time just him and his child? Or maybe he feels you do it so well and he has never learnt to bath his own child?
I think it’s fine that you are there for your child in the evening, especially as you work full time, but try not to set the bar that you must be there for bedtime, if an opportunity came up for you to miss bath/bed would you take it or decline because you can’t possibly miss putting dc to bed once in a while.

Incarnationsofunderstanding · 09/05/2018 21:59

Why is he saying it?

Does he want to do it and you are saying you CAN'T miss bath bedtime?

Does he want to go out together while a friend/family member has them and you say you can't go as you don't want to miss bath/bedtime?

If so then you need to seriously think about it.

If not and it's just the way your world works then no not weird, but try to understand ha reasoning for this (while accepting the way he put it was bloody rude and he needs telling!).

MiddlingMum · 09/05/2018 22:01

I'd never missed one at that age either. I don't think it's weird at all, I loved bathtime.

Mine are grown up now and I don't think any of us are scarred for life because someone else didn't bath them.

Pebblespony · 09/05/2018 22:03

I think it's amazing. Have you stopped going out? Are you afraid to leave DC with your DH? I've missed loads. DD is 9 months. I'm a mother but im also someone who meets with friends, takes a weekend away etc. Bath time is not a nightly occurrence either.

CaledonianQueen · 09/05/2018 22:07

I never missed a single bedtime with DS, until I went into hospital to have DD. He was 2 years and 2 months at the time. My DH worked away half the month and when he was home, he had missed us so much that he didn't want to go out in the evenings. We did share bathtimes though, DH took over every bathtime when he was home (mostly because it was his way to bond with DS. As I breastfed DS he naturally gravitated to me for cuddles and milk. So having Daddy take over bathtimes really helped them bond. We would take turns reading stories too.

We have chosen a responsive parenting (which is more how we see it that attachment parenting)style (I bf on demand, carried DS and then DD in a sling constantly and would wake at night before either baby started crying for their next feed). DS is autistic and thrived in routine and was (and is) very much a Mummies boy. As a result, DS has only spent the night with my DP a handful of times. DD is very different character wise (very much an extrovert who loves going out), she has been on numerous sleepovers to her friends, as well as many more weekends spent with my DP.

Has your DH never wanted to bath your LO? Or even attempt bedtime? If so, I would say he is the weird one! Most Fathers I know are very much involved in bedtimes and bathtimes!

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 09/05/2018 22:11

Not weird, your choice. I don’t mind that much but I know different things are important to different people. Also, he’s only 2, not 12.

PieAndPumpkins · 09/05/2018 22:13

Going against the grain here, but no I don't think you're weird. My children are a fair bit older than yours and I have only missed a hand full of bedtimes.
My DH enjoys socialising, having nights out etc. I do not. If you're happy doing you, then what's it to your husband? Unless he is suggesting you go out together? But even then, why can't you just go out after putting dc to bed? I don't get the big deal

TheVanguardSix · 09/05/2018 22:14

No, not weird at all. Just responsible and more hands-on than your DH. I can relate!
The grandparents are ill- that's huge because not only do you not have a spare pair of hands/eyes and love on tap to step in and give you a break, you have the worry of their health. I know this too well. Lots of sympathy from me.
Plus you have a high needs child- my nice way of saying 'shit sleeper'. Two of mine were just awful sleepers, OP. This changes SO much the way you approach your schedule with your little one. Having a wakeful toddler who has been up and down throughout the night really, really shapes the whole bedtime routine. And in a way, maybe the bed/bathtime routine has been your calming ritual with your wakeful little one. I am so glad it's getting better, sleep-wise. Hang in there! It will continue to get better.
What your DH said was really, really, really unkind, really critical, and unappreciative of you.
You're not weird at all. You're a mum.

mindutopia · 09/05/2018 22:17

I would say it’s a bit unusual, but if it makes you happy, sure why not. I’m not sure ours ever did bath or bedtime with anyone besides us until around then (we have no family or anyone nearby who can help). But my dh has done bathtime with our dd since she was a baby. She’s 5 and I actually don’t really know how to do what they do well as I do it so infrequently. It’s their thing. Unless he’s away he always does bathtime by himself. I always did bedtime (except now we have ds so I do bedtime with him and my dh does everything with dd). But I’ve been away loads of times (travel quite a bit long haul for work, starting when she was 17 months). I rarely have a night out myself as my close friends live to far away now, but I go away at least once a year on a weekend break by myself. Dh does the same and we have had a few nights or weekends together since our dd was maybe 2 or 3 (when family can stay with her). It’s wonderful and refreshing and I would go nuts without the occasional break, but you have to do what you’re comfortable with, I suppose.

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