Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never missed a bedtime, am I weird

139 replies

puzzled90 · 09/05/2018 21:02

DC is 2 and I have only missed 1 bath time and bedtime and that was because I was ill. Dh has missed many a bath and bedtime as 1. He works a variety of shifts, and 2. He goes out a lot, especially at weekends.

We were arguing about something else when he stated I was weird and crazy for not wanting to miss a bathtime and that I needed to get a life.

For background, both work full time and DC goes to nursery full time. I work nornal office hours with some travelling involved and he does a mix of days and nights

OP posts:
Original poster
puzzled90 · 09/05/2018 22:21

I Don't really have any interest in going out, I've had my years of doing that and I Don't really enjoy it anymore. Plus the few friends I have all have children around the same age and all work full time so we're all tired by about 9pm!

I also really Don't mind dh going out. He is far more into socialising than me and has several football clubs he plays for that he goes out with and I am perfectly happy with that.

We were arguing over the fact that DC looks like they have chicken pox (doing the rounds at nursery) so I had to leave work early today to pick them up and take to doctors, work told me to work from home for as long as i needed to. When I told dh this who is on a day off tomorrow he went mad and told me I am selfish for not going to work and leaving him at home with DC all day and that he was really upset that I would even consider staying at home.

OP posts:
Pebblespony · 09/05/2018 22:22

Maybe he feels you don't trust him and is feeling a bit insecure?

honeyishrunkthekid · 09/05/2018 22:22

I do most bedtimes. As my oh works evenings during the week. I also work full time so when Saturday rolls round, I will happily sit downstairs and enjoy some relaxation whilst my oh does bedtime. We share it on a Sunday.
Why does it even matter. It's up to you.

honeyishrunkthekid · 09/05/2018 22:25

Just saw your update. I think you do need to allow your OH some responsibility for his child. It's madness to both take time off for a sick child. You'll need parental leave a lot as they grow older

Original poster
puzzled90 · 09/05/2018 22:27

I didn't actually say I was taking the day off to dh, just that work had said it would be ok if I needed to. I actually have meetings I need to be in for tomorrow so although considered it I knew I would be going in

OP posts:
Incarnationsofunderstanding · 09/05/2018 22:28

Ok from your update you need to back off. If he is home there is absolutely no need for you to be taking time off work / WFH to do the childcare.

He's approached it wrong but I think you are blocking his time with DC or making him feel like the secondary parent.

I also think you need time out as a couple or that way divorce lies...

Basta · 09/05/2018 22:29

I don't think it's inherently weird, but to obsess over it and wear it as a badge of honour (and start a thread about it) is perhaps a bit unnecessary, yes.

fabulous01 · 09/05/2018 22:33

Not weird. I work full time and both twins are at nursery full time
I have missed a handful of baths or bed tones due to a few nights out or if one was in hospital ( and I was with the hospital one)
I think it is different when you work full time
Go at your own pace and sod the rest in my view

feral · 09/05/2018 22:34

I hate bath time and make DH do it as much as possible.

ShellyBoobs · 09/05/2018 22:40

Sounds very weird.

Especially taking time off work when your DH is there to look after the kids.

Just leave your DH to it.

Taylor22 · 10/05/2018 08:29

So are you going into work?

LaurieMarlow · 10/05/2018 09:00

I don't think it's inherently weird, but to obsess over it and wear it as a badge of honour (and start a thread about it) is perhaps a bit unnecessary, yes

This. And taking the day off when your husband is there is weird. It's like you think he isn't capable. Also, don't you need to be careful of days taken?

MaryShelley1818 · 10/05/2018 09:11

I think it’s quite odd.
I don’t think it’s healthy to not have other things in your life.
My DS is my absolute world, I love and adore him BUT he also has a daddy who loves and adores him as well as other family. I enjoy meeting up with friends for tea/drinks occasionally, we’ve been to a show (DS is 5mths) had a night away and a night out together, and next week I’ll be having 3nts in Spain with friends for a milestone Birthday. I don’t actually know anyone who doesn’t have some leisure time away from their children, especially not in a 2-parent household.

Shrodingerslion · 10/05/2018 09:36

It does seem like you don’t trust your oh or think you are better than him. It sounds obsessive.

I am projecting here but don’t end up dependent on your child as my Mother did to me. It takes a village and all that...

VileyRose · 10/05/2018 09:38

My OH does bath time and I get them dressed. We work as a team but sometimes I miss it. I like the fact we can both do it alone if need be.

PieAndPumpkins · 10/05/2018 09:39

I disagree MaryShelley. Anyone who breastfeeds for example, almost certainly wouldn't dream of having that much time apart from their very young 5 month old. To me, that is 'odd'.
We're all different, people have businesses run from home etc whilst being a SAHM. OP isn't even a SAHM so I would say she definitely has other things in her life. Maybe she enjoys solitary hobbies like blogging, reading, writing, cooking, gardening, sewing etc etc etc. Don't assume she's a boring hermit who does nothing with her life, but bath her child!

SleepFreeZone · 10/05/2018 09:40

I hate the term ‘you need to get a life’, for that alone your husband is an arsehole.

I suppose Ive only missed two bedtimes in my kids lives (5 and 2) and that was because I was in London having to terminate a much wanted pregnancy due to their sister being terminally ill inside me. So I think that’s probably acceptable 😬

Kids grow up so fast so if you want to make sure you don’t miss a bit of it, that’s fine with me ❤️

letsdolunch321 · 10/05/2018 09:42

I don’t think it is weird, you work full time - little one is a nursery. I would imagine your aim is to have some you/dc time every day

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/05/2018 09:42

If you're happy to do it then what's the problem here?

MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 09:44

No not weird.

My girls are 7 and 5 and I've missed 2 bedtimes.

Well, I've not done them if DH has, but then I've been in another room in the house etc. Still gone in to kiss goodnight before lights off.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 10:11

If you're happy having no social life outside of your kids that's fine. It's also fine to have one.

I don't really get the "I had my years of going out!" Is there a finite number of years one is allowed to go out for?

Ragwort · 10/05/2018 10:18

It sounds as though you enjoy being a bit of a martyr and wanting to be the parent who does everything; let your DH do more, don't you trust him to parent his own child?

And find yourself some hobbies and interests, going out doesn't mean 'late nights and boozing' - I frequently went for an early evening walk with a friend whilst DH did bed and bath. He loved spending time with his own child and it was/is important for children to have that bond with both parents.

MaryShelley1818 · 10/05/2018 10:20

PieandPumpkins I do breastfeed DS but thank you for the incorrect assumption.
DS has been in our lives so far 153 nights!! I don’t think being out with my DP 3 times since baby was born is being out ‘SO’ much. Along with another handful of times I’ve met up with friends for a couple of hours.
I also don’t know anyone in RL that would consider 4nts out of literally hundreds too much to be away from their baby.
DP has to work away sometimes so should he hand his notice in as he can’t possibly leave the baby or is it only mothers in your opinion who should sacrifice everything else and martyr themselves?
I’m a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing softie who cuddles my gorgeous DS for naps still BUT when left for the first time overnight on Sunday with his Grandmother who worships him, he was happy, content, smiley, didn’t cry once and slept through 9pm-6.10am.
It’s not normal to not be able to trust your partner to care for your child in your absence unless there’s a valid reason.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 10:26

MaryShelley whilst I agree with your last line you have to accept that if you're going to judge other people's parenting choices and lifestyles then you will get that judgement back. I think 3 nights away at 5 months for fun is too much personally but as I couldn't do it at that age perhaps I'm just jealous. It doesn't mean it's wrong for you and your child but similarly it isn't wrong for OP to not want to miss one

PieAndPumpkins · 10/05/2018 10:34

MarryShelley You're having three nights (4 days?) in a row away abroad... lots of people's supply wouldn't hold up for that long to continue feeding when you return, even with expressing. That was my point.
Who said anything about not trusting your partner? OP said HER manager had said she could have time off work / work from home. She said she has meetings so will be at work anyway. The argument was a none issue. It just sounds to me like OP is happy to be there with her child, not that she doesn't want DH there also. As it happens, DH likes to go out and socialise, others of us don't, such as OP.

Personally, my favourite people to socialise with are mutual best friends with my DH who also have children... so we socialise all together. And I love time with DH just us. This has historically been during the day or after bed time, for the most part. As it happens, we don't have family nearby so it's rare and precious opportunities anyway.
The world is bigger and more varied than your own experiences you know.