Wanting to not send DD nursrey

[stressedmumm]

I have a very clingy little girl she's only turned two in December,

We have decided to send her to nursrey because I want to go back to work I have no family locally as they all live 2 hours away and we have recently moved towns so me and DP don't know anybody here,

We only want to send her three days a week, but because she's only ever been with me and her DD she's only close with us two

Iv been bringing her into a day care nursrey for the past 2 weeks I have been leaving her for 20 mins to settle her in but she's been crying from the moment I leave her up until I collect her

DP says I should give it time she will settle

But I'm getting so upset I hate seeing her upset or cry I rather keep her home till she's ready for school but DP says she will be the same then so it's best we send her now so she can get used to the environment now rather than later

I honestly don't know what to do

I feel like I need to go back to work because I hate not working but at the same time I want to stay at home with DD

Is this normal for some children to cry and not settle in

She's my only child and I am struggling to cope with seeing her cr

If anybody has gone through this or has any advice I would really appreciate to hear about it

TIA x

20 minutes is no time! She hasn’t had time to get used to you not being there and start to explore her surroundings before you have got back.

If you need to go to work you need to go to work so you need to work with the setting to come up with a sensible plan to help her settle

It depends, if your child is naturally very clingy (and I know a child like that) an extra year might make a big difference to how ready she is for childcare.

However I do agree that 20 mins isn't very long, is there any reason you have been taking her for 20 mins for 2 weeks as that seems like an odd settling process, she wont have time to actually settle and do anything before you take here away again.

Both my children started nursery at 2 and settled well, the eldest did cry when we left him for a while but after 5 mins would be fine.

I didn’t send mine until she 3, by which point she was more than ready and didn’t shed a single tear. If she’s not really and you’re not ready, there’s no rush. They’re only little for such a short amount of time.

If you don't have to do it, don't do it.

Could you try a childminder if you can find a nice one? The more homely environment might help.

Honestly? You need to stop being emotional about it. Drop her off quickly and without a fuss. DONT let her see you’re anxious or upset and tell her how much fun she’s gonna have. Keep it light and upbeat and drop and run. She may still cry for a little while (some always cry on drop off) but she will settle eventually.

20n minutes is pointless. I would talk to the setting and see if they can offer you a different set up.

When DD started I was asked to stay in the room but no interact, just to give DD a security blanket. Then I left the room for short moments and these times increased so DD was used to "oh, mum is at the toilet or chats to somebody". That would then increased to "I dropped her off and would come in a short while later" while the nursery nurse would deal with DD first. The periods alone would gradually increase until I left her for around 1 hour.

Yes, DD would cry, most children do. Also they may cry when you pick her up. Again, this is normal.

Def speak to your settings. Alternatively childminder may be more flexible in settling in processes and less overwhelming than a nursery room with 20 children.

Thankyou all for your replies

Sorry I did mention first few days I sat with her then left her for 30 mins but she cried most of the time then they suggested I leave her for 1 hours, so I left her went out for a hour but I was called to come back as she was very upset and crying

So they suggested that we do 20 Mins and then increase by 10 mins

I think that's why they have said 20 mins and not any longer because of how she was when I left her for a hour

The thing is if I did that say in the same
Room as her she would just cling to me

I would send her to a childminder but Dp would prefer if she went to a nursrey so
She can get used to it

Maybe she's not ready yet and might be ready when she's 3

The nursrey teachers said I should persevere and she will be fine,

I had this with DD2, she was very clingy. I couldn't even leave her with someone in order to go to the toilet, or go into the kitchen to make a cuppa. It was so hard. In the end, I put her in nursery for 2 mornings a week, and after a few times there she was actually fine. I had to do that because she wouldn't let anyone apart from DH and me to change her nappy.

She still goes through clingy phases but she's absolutely fine going to school and has lots of friends. She's in year 1 now.

I am not being picky but her dad has an awful lot to say about her but doesn't have any solutions so you are left with them upset ? children rarely go to school and cry all day because they havn't been to nursery personally I would go with a childminder they will get to know her and you and you might feel more comfortable leaving her.

Can you wait and send her when she is 3-4? Find some work you can do from home instead? It’s obvious the poor little mite is too young and is getting very distressed. Also, she isn’t going to be that little forever. If you have the choice, I’d be keeping her home.

I agree wholeheartedly with @Sunshinedaze - she’s very little and this is obviously marking here really unhappy.
They’re not little for long OP - if you have the choice I’d be keeping her home too x

Just to add - my eldest DS was the biggest mummy’s boy in the land 😂 - very clingy to me, very cuddly, didn’t want to be with anyone else etc - he stayed at home with me all the time until he started school - he’s now THE most confident, happy, funny, popular boy ever - I find it hard to keep up with his social life! 😂

I will have a look for childminders in the area, and speak to DP about this

I don't want her to be distressed

I don't have to go back to work as DP works but I thought it would be good for me as I'm always at home with DD and I haven't made any friends yet and all my friends live 2 hours away and I feel like I have no life ( I sound so selfish now I know) but thought if I could go back to work and DD could go nursrey I might feel better about myself again

I'm worried waiting till she's 3,4 she might be the same

@Lizzie48 That's exactly how my DD is with me she follows me to the toilet if I leave the room for a few mins she starts to cry mummy and when DP comes home from work she's the same with him too but anybody else she won't go to or even play with or interact with them,

DS2 was like this. He's only ever been home with me because I work part time around DH's hours since having him.

We get 15 free hours from the term after their 2nd birthday here, so we put him into nursery 2.5 hours a day last September. He was 2 and 4 months when he started. Honestly, it's difficult to begin with. DS1 was also starting reception at a brand new school so it was a pretty stressful time! He would cry at drop off to begin with, but calmed down quickly. The he went through a stage of refusing to get into the car etc to go. But now he loves it and is excited to go. It's not nice to see them upset, but you do have to be a bit cruel to be kind about it.

It's really helped DS2 come out of his shell. He is a very quiet and shy child and was late with his speech. He never went anywhere without me, DH or DS1 with him before. It's helped build his confidence being around new people, and his speech has really come on since as well. I also love having a bit of time to myself as well after spending almost 2.5 years with 2 kids constantly with me!

I probably wouldn't have sent him if we didn't get the free hours, because we don't need the childcare. But if he was still home with me, I'd probably be taking him to a play group or soft play every day instead to encourage him to play with other kids.

Both mine started at 3 and both settled in amazingly. Aged 2, I just don't think either of them were ready.

That said I had the luxury of family providing childcare, as I had to go back to work.

It's very common for children to have separation anxiety at 2, they usually grow out of it by 3.
She might just not be ready yet. I understand what you mean about needing something for yourself. Could you join a club at night instead?

Awww @Luisa27 was he okay when he started school

I was saying to DP last night that I would love to keep her home till she starts reception but he said if I do that she will be the same when she starts then but I thought maybe he's right

I would love to keep her home with me but I feel like she gets bored at home and we thought she was ready for nursrey she's always singing nursrey rhymes she loves playing with the water pit and play doh so thought it would be better for her to go nursrey so she can make friends and to be more confident so she's not always attached to me or her DD

I totally hear you when you say how upsetting this is as we went through it. I do think though that it eventually did help with our daughter settling in at school. She still - she's top infants - can have the odd day when she is clingy at the school gate so guess it would have been a nightmare. Some of the great advice we got was - speak to the keyworker for your daughter....you have probalay already done this but can they not offer some other suggestions. How did you actual feel at the nursery. Our daughter really didn't settle in nursery number 1 and we gave it a while. We ended up moving her. Best thing we did. She settled quickly into the new one. Not every nursery is for every child. At the first nursery they were going through a period of change - after we picked it they started building work, laid staff off etc. It was too much change for our little one. Really am quite surprised that they have suggested 20 mins - its not local but rang alarm bells with me about the staff's ability and whether they are just at the right numbers staff ratio wise. It's hard work settling a new child in potentially but it's their role really not yours.

If you are in any way getting upset when you leave her / drop her off maybe you need a break from it. Can your DH do it?
What do you do on the days she is with you? Perhaps looking at activities that promote some independence e.g most ballet classes get you to leave your child with them and you aren't in the room but there with her. If you decide that you want to keep her home perhaps look at activities that are in more formal settings like playgroups in schools so that she gets used to the environment.

Do you go to any playgroups with her?

How is she at playgroup and other activities?

Do you visit any parent and child groups, I found it really helped with my clingy DD when she was that age. You can meet other people and she can get used to other children with you.

The only reason I wouldn't be able to join a evening class is because DP works some nights as well as days so if his rota clashed with a class I was to attend I wouldn't have anybody to look after DD

I'm going to speak to the teachers tmrw and tell them I'm considering keeping her home till she's 3

Tonight il speak with DP about leaving her till she's 3 now I think maybe at 3 she might be less clingy but then I'm worried she might be even more clingy

Never thought it would be this hard to send her nursrey

Does she socialise win other kids at all? Playgroups, soft plays, classes etc? If she is only ever with you or our DP then I'm not surprised she's clingy.

I disagree with those saying 2 is too young, I think it depends on the child, and on their previous experiences with other people.

My DD went to nursery at 15 months and absolutely loved it. But she has always been used to other people as we were always at groups or play centres.

When I left her for her 1st settling in session (an hour) she barely noticed when I left the room. I wanted to cry! The next day when she went I tried to get her to wave bye and give me a cuddle and that is what made her get upset. Although apparently she was fine after 10 minutes!

I would stick with it, but stay as neutral and casual as possible about dropping her off. If you make it a big deal, then it will be one. And - if you don't already - try to do some groups with her so she gets used to playing with people other than you.