Wanting to not send DD nursrey

[stressedmumm]

I have a very clingy little girl she's only turned two in December,

We have decided to send her to nursrey because I want to go back to work I have no family locally as they all live 2 hours away and we have recently moved towns so me and DP don't know anybody here,

We only want to send her three days a week, but because she's only ever been with me and her DD she's only close with us two

Iv been bringing her into a day care nursrey for the past 2 weeks I have been leaving her for 20 mins to settle her in but she's been crying from the moment I leave her up until I collect her

DP says I should give it time she will settle

But I'm getting so upset I hate seeing her upset or cry I rather keep her home till she's ready for school but DP says she will be the same then so it's best we send her now so she can get used to the environment now rather than later

I honestly don't know what to do

I feel like I need to go back to work because I hate not working but at the same time I want to stay at home with DD

Is this normal for some children to cry and not settle in

She's my only child and I am struggling to cope with seeing her cr

If anybody has gone through this or has any advice I would really appreciate to hear about it

TIA x

If your DP is so full of wisdom tell him to take a week off work and he can settle her into nursery. HE wants he to go to nursery, HE doesn't want a childminder but its YOU that has to take and settle her and HER that has to go. Of course he's entitled to a say but you're the one actually there so trust yourself and your instincts.

I'd go back to playgroup and work on separation. Literally just sat behind instead of aside, then a bit further away, then oh go and get that toy for mommy until she can sit and play by herself without your input. She doesn't need to play with other kids yet so don't worry about that

My Youngest would have been the same at 2, he probably would have stopped crying and "settled" after a while but he'd be constantly anxious. We decided to wait a little while and by 2.5 he was ready. WE found a lovely, small, caring nursery. For the first two sessions I stayed with him. The third I left for an hour, after that he went for just 3 hours, then after a few months he stayed all day. Obviously we were lucky to have the luxury of waiting but it worked brilliants for us.

Bear in mind though that kids are different. For some it's just the transition and newness that is difficult and once that's overcome they'll flourish. Others are just constantly anxious in the loud environment without a loving adult who knows them really well. I'm sure someone's mentioned it already but what about a childminder? That might be a more manageable leap for her?

Thanks Luisa27

My first dc started nursery at 10 months old when I went back to work. He went 3 mornings a week and the afternoons with my dad. He would cry to start but would soon stop. Both my dc went to another local nursery from 2 years old. They would cry some mornings when I took them, but more often than not I'd have a photo sent about 10 min after of them stuck into and enjoying an activity. 20 min really isn't that long for her to settle. I think given time she will be fine. It's horrible at times though!

I'd pull her out til Sept and have a lovely dinner but in the meantime work on independent play - set out some simple engaging toys, a timer for 2 mins and pop upstairs, extend to 5-10-20 mins over time.

Find your local toddlers Facebook page and see what's on

Bite the bullet and try to make 'mummy friends' at playgroups maybe suggest a picnic after or something

I think the opposite- my D.C. were stressed at nursery initially because they were too attached. Still bloody are. It’s not all good because that attachment has to detach at some point. I and a couple of friends are having problems with this at the moment with our older children. Our child psychologist is very clear that there is very little good science behind attachment theory. I wish I’d known that earlier.

I never understand the theory that ALL children will settle into nursery and learn to love it. Some do, but some will just learn to tolerate it as they have no choice. Saying ALL children cope well with nursery is like saying ALL adults love parties.
For a more introverted child, a big, busy nursery with no down-time could be very stressful (social extroverted kids would love it). Some children would do much better with a childminder where the routine is more flexible and they get more individual care. Or, have you thought about sharing a nanny? I have a friend who shares a nanny with a colleague - the nanny looks after both kids at the same time, spending half the week in my friend's house and half the week in the colleague's house. For a home-loving child, that could work really well, and the costs are split.
Children are different, just as adults are. Mum going to work doesn't damage any child, but a child being sent to a childcare setting that doesn't suit them could be damaging.

Why not wait a few weeks, until she is 2.5?

OP I think there are a few separate issues here

If you want to go back to work and it's important for your mental wellbeing to do so - then you will and can find the right childcare for your daughter.

I used a childminder - who was the most loving caring fun woman - not all children will settle in nursery - and also, not all nurseries (or childminders) are decent and will suit your child.

If the nursery are calling you back within an hour and don't seem to have a solution - ie. they can't distract her, it's good they are honest but I also suspect it isn't a very good nursery.

If you HAD to work you would find a childcare setting where your daughter settled in - there will be lots of different settings where you live.

Please don't keep her at home until school - children get such enormous benefit from pre school/ nursery - but I think that benefit is really vital after the age of 3. You can see how much they grow from having little friendships etc - 2 year olds don't generally need that sort of friendship

Look for different childcare - don't give up if you want / need the time back at work.

You never see a grown up walking down the Aisle to get married, still holding mummies hand.
I wouldn't worry, they sort themselves out when they are ready.
None of ours went to nursery and went straight into school, requiring no LA bod to spend extra time settling them.
In fact the ones needing most help were the nursery attendees as they had to adapt to a new institution. It was an adventure for those always having been with a parent.

I have a dd who went from H.ed to boarding, she too settled better than those having attended school as they also had to get used to a new institution. Once again a huge adventure for dd, having not been to school in years.

All kids are different you can't possibly say because they didn't do x or y that they'll struggle with z. It's complete bollocks.
Where mine are concerned all they'd have gained from nursery was childcare as everything else was covered, I didn't need childcare.

Sorry if this has been suggested as I've not rtft but has your husband tried the drop off at Nursery?

It sounds like this particular nursery doesn't suit her for whatever reason. Not all childcare environments suit all children.

I've had several friends who have switched to a childminder or a different nursery after their child didn't settle at their first choice. The child settled quickly in the new setting.

One child cried all day in the first nursery - the mum would phone from work and always hear her child crying in the background. The staff also said she cried all day, but that she would settle in time, keep her in the nursery, don't move her... After two months the family moved her to a childminder and she settled happily very quickly. The mum wished that she had moved her sooner and listened to her instincts.

Don't worry about starting school, your child will be years older by then and have undergone several developmental stages that will make it easier to be apart from you.

Personally I prefer a childminder as there are a small number of children they can make friends with, the environment is quieter and the childminder can really get to know your child and tailor the day around the children each day. Our childminders feels like an extra family for my child and they can play with children of different ages, like having brothers and sisters. There is no rush to get them into a school-type environment if it isn't suiting them.

Good advice from Looneytune.

Try a different nursery? Might be something about the place. They are dragging out the settling in a bit, I think that sounds v confusing for both of you.

If you can afford to stay home then don't send her. Your DP is wrong. Being unable to settle in nursery at 2 is no reflection on how she will be at school age.
My DS hated nursery. We persevered and tbh I wish we hadn't. If I had the time again, I would have kept him home for longer.

There is no reason from a child development point of view why it has to happen now, only from your need to work point of view. There is every chance she will be better when she is older. Persevere if you want to or need to, but don't do it out of a misguided feeling that it is in her best interests to learn to separate.

It's not at all true that she will be the same or worse later.

I tried ds at 2. He wasn't ready. Tried again at 3. Wasn't ready.

At 3.5 I tried again and he pushed me out of the door and told me to come back on Friday.

Working in childcare for 20 has put me off leaving him upset. Childcare faculties/nannies etc will tell you 'they're fine pretty quickly after you've left'. This is sometimes the case but very often not.

I suspect children who struggle to settle at school at 4 would struggle whatever you had done beforehand.

I had a child who would have hated to go to school at 4, but we had left the UK by then, and our new school system started them half days at 5, and full days at 6. This worked out perfectly for her (and also for her younger brother who had no separation anxiety at all).

She's now a very confident 15 year old who has recovered enough from her separation anxiety at the age of 2 to have recently travelled to Central America on a volunteer trip without either parent, and had a wonderful time.

I don't think nursery is really the issue here.

I get the feeling you don't want to work OP, and want to be at home with your DD.

But it doesn't sound like she has much interaction beyond you, and needs more socialisation.

There was a similar Mum in my social group, who had PND & really struggled with social situations herself. Consequently, her DC didn't have enough social interaction & really struggled, even at school age.

So keep persevering with giving her opportunities to interact. It doesn't necessarily need to be nursery, but she does need more experience.

Thankyou all for your replies Iv just read all off them

Sorry for the extremely late reply

Iv read all replies and I have decided to speak to the nursrey staff tmrw and tell them I'm going to wait and try again in September if not I'm going to wait till she's 3 years old and send her then

My gut instinct tells me not to send her it could be the nursrey setting also, I only choose that nursrey because the staff were all so lovely but I didt really like the look of the nursery but the nursrey had such good reviews hence why I choose that one

Three days a week there's a local play group so I'm going to try take her there three days a week to try get her to become independent

And I will try make that a set routine for now il just work on helping DD become less clingy rather than going back to work

It's so good to hear lots of your views and advice so Thankyou so much

I don't want to cause distress to DD she's still so young I will read up the theory also

I honestly just think she's not ready yet and maybe if I hold on another few months or even a year she will start to enjoy it,

I will wait a few months and try at another nursrey if she's still the same I'm going to wait till she's 3

I like the idea of suggesting to go for a picnic with other moms at the play groups I will try make more of an effort to talk to other parents and make friends so DD can see me doing that so she can (I'm just quite shy in real life)

I could get DP to take her but I think she's just not ready yet to go

I thought sending her would be good for us both so I can get away because I feel like it's so unhealthy the way DD is glued to me she even follows me to the loo lol,

So I thought if I go back to work I can start having a life of my own and DD can have time away from me and become more confident without me,

I don't have to go work yet I could wait till she's 3/4 but I think I was being selfish wanting to go back so I'm not a SAHM not that there's anything wrong with that but I personally feel like because I'm always with DD I don't have time for myself anymore I know having kids is a big responsibility but I sometimes wish I could have a couple of days break or even a adult conversation and not having any family or friends is hard because I'm a chatterbox and having nobody to talk to makes me feel lonely

Dp is very good and helpful he helps cook clean and look after DD but he works so when it's just me and DD I feel lonely

That's the only reason I decided to go back work and send DD nursrey but knowing she's not ready and being distressed I rather not sent her yet

Thanks for all the lovely messages and advice very much appreciated xXx

Could you carve out some time for you to do a course, or group, or PT work in the evenings or at the weekend?

Don’t feel like you have to ‘work’ on her being less clingy. Some kids are and at 2 it’s not necessarily a bad thing or something you need to change. Often trying to ‘force’ them to be less clingy can make them more clingy as they can panic they are being left, feel more insecure, etc.

If she needs you right next to her at playgroups, etc then do that. Honestly, It won’t be forever but it’s sonething that she is obviously communicating to you that’s what she needs.

Go with your instinct of what she needs NOW, not what she may or may not need in the future. If you need to do things differently at a later date, you can do.

My dd also used to follow me to the loo. She only stopped when she was about 7. On the plus side, she learnt about periods. Well only in terms of “yuk, I’m never having one of those” to which I’d reply, non committally.

Tad inflammatory rina?