Wanting to not send DD nursrey

[stressedmumm]

I have a very clingy little girl she's only turned two in December,

We have decided to send her to nursrey because I want to go back to work I have no family locally as they all live 2 hours away and we have recently moved towns so me and DP don't know anybody here,

We only want to send her three days a week, but because she's only ever been with me and her DD she's only close with us two

Iv been bringing her into a day care nursrey for the past 2 weeks I have been leaving her for 20 mins to settle her in but she's been crying from the moment I leave her up until I collect her

DP says I should give it time she will settle

But I'm getting so upset I hate seeing her upset or cry I rather keep her home till she's ready for school but DP says she will be the same then so it's best we send her now so she can get used to the environment now rather than later

I honestly don't know what to do

I feel like I need to go back to work because I hate not working but at the same time I want to stay at home with DD

Is this normal for some children to cry and not settle in

She's my only child and I am struggling to cope with seeing her cr

If anybody has gone through this or has any advice I would really appreciate to hear about it

TIA x

1. If you don’t want to, then don’t.

1. You’re not leaving her long enough. Nursery should be able to manage her crying, she won’t be the only one.

In the meantime get her out to some toddlers groups to increase her confidence.

I have taken her to the local play groups, she does like playing but she wants me sat right next to her she doesn't play with other children though, that's what made me think she was ready for nursrey because she loves playing with the sand pit and playing with the play doh and I thought she would make friends

Since taking her nursrey I've stopped taking her to the local play group

Iv been taking her to the local play group for about a year and twice a week but I stopped that two weeks ago when I started taking her to the nursrey

She loves soft play me and DP normally take her on his day off and she loves it although again she won't play with any other children and wants me there with her playing with her

It does sound like for both of your sakes you need to start taking a step back and encouraging more independent play

Can you step up the baby groups a bit? I was told that dc settled so quickly at nursery was because I took him to so many groups and classes that he was used to a bit of chaos! I would put him down at groups and he'd be off before I'd removed my shoes usually.

I know it's not the same for all children, but it might help a little?

Can you try your husband doing the drop off for a few days? It might make her less emotional and she won't be so aware of your absence. Also how are they entertaining her when she arrives? My daughter sits down to have breakfast with the other kids and barely acknowledges us leaving!

Of course she will be fine going to school without going to nursery first! There is no logic whatsoever that sending a child to nursery at a younger age will help them be ready when they are older! If anything, it can make them more clingy / insecure as they don't understand what is happening and aren't able to grasp the concept of time. Keep her home until she is ready. It isn't a race!

Forgot to mention I was taking him out daily to groups, sometimes twice a day as I found it so much easier to entertain him out of the house.

Could you try getting her dad to take her and drop her off for a couple of days?

Just changing the pattern might mean she reacts differently at nursery as well. Breaks the cycle she is currently in.

My dd was very clingy. Even at the age of 7, she’d stand crying at the window when I went out and left her at home with dh. Even if you leave this til School, yes, you may still have issues with separation. My dd was the child, who was still often crying at drop off in the 3rd term of reception year and still insisted on me standing in line with her holding my hand when she was yr3 when all the other kids were fine. Yr3 is age 7-8 btw.

I’m not saying do it now or delay things til School. Dd went to nursery from 11/12 months, which I think was easier tbh because she never knew any differently. She was difficult at drop off and I stayed to settle her for say 10 mins from when she really got to understand the concept of being left at around 2.

In your place, I would take your dd to lots of activities, where you are in the room, interact with her some of the time but she can go off exploring and meet other children. It is important she gets to socialise with children of her age as well as older and younger ones. She will probably hang onto you a lot in the beginning. In doing this, you are introducing separation but you’re still around. Then perhaps her confidence will improve.

Right now, though, I don’t think the nursery is right for your dd. My dd told me years later that she never liked nursery. Tbh I don’t think it is the case, but that she wanted to be with me. At 9, she’d still rather be with me than go to school. Until about 11.30 when actually she’s bored.

Cross post. 2 yos won’t play with other 2 yos spontaneously at soft play.

I was saying to DP last night that I would love to keep her home till she starts reception but he said if I do that she will be the same when she starts then but I thought maybe he's right

He’s not right at all. There’s no way to predict that. Have you read much about attachment theory?

If your instinct tells you she’s not ready, and you have the leeway to delay by six months, then that’s a legitimate choice. Also look at smaller nurseries as well childminders if this one is largish. It’s not an either/or choice. You could also see if your DH is willing to compress or cut his hours to share the childcare with you so you get a couple of days free to work.

YABU.

Your child won't get over her separation anxiety if you keep her glued to your side.

But I'm getting so upset I hate seeing her upset or cry I rather keep her home till she's ready for school

That's the thing about parenting, I'm afraid - sometimes you need to do things that make you uncomfortable for the good of your children. It's not about you, it's about her gradually learn to be independent from you.

her daughter won't get over her separation anxiety by being pushed to do things that make her cry!

Don't do it unless you have to, why would you? They spend for eternity in school as it is, this is your one chance to enjoy her and your lives together with an institution.

Decide when she is three, and if not then school, many children are happy and ready for new settings when they are older.

I would refocus away from the nursery and towards play groups, doodle groups and get her socialising with children whilst you are there. I made lots of local friends this way and we had a great time. Go to the music classes and tumble tots and get chatting to other parents.

You could join a book club to make new local friends, exercise class even if it is not every week would be better than nothing.

Your best way to make a new life is to have a child and keep going to meet others. You wont be lonely and she will be happy.

Without an institution

BTW, Op, if the six or so DC I personally know who reacted very badly to nursery at two, ALL we’re happily settled in a year or so later, and four of them later received diagnoses that helped to explain the nursery issues retrospectively (minor hearing issue or sensory issues).

We can all sit here and opine all we like but you know your child and can get a feel for whether this is big distress or minor settling in issues.

her daughter won't get over her separation anxiety by being pushed to do things that make her cry!

Yes, she will. Perhaps not nursery directly, but taking her to activities which involve her mother less and less. Clinging on to her mother's skirts will definitely not help.

I say this as the clingy daughter of a clingy mother, still dealing with the sequels of that more than thirty years later.

He’s not right at all. There’s no way to predict that. Have you read much about attachment theory?

I'm sorry, I find this really offensive. Children have different temperaments. You are implying, somewhat perniciously, that if the mother has been 'good enough' and her child 'attached' well enough, then the child won't cry on separation at an older age. Children are one size fits all robots. You cannot parent a child out of their temperament. I cried when I went to school even though I went to nursery and had loving parents. I know fantastic, and yes, attachment parenting following parents, whose children cried at staring nursery at aged three.
I really hate they way the science of attachment theory has been hijacked by attachment parenting groups to guilt mothers to blame themselves for normal variations in their children based on temperament.

She is still really young, so of course she will want to be close to you, as she gets older and the more you go to the class and groups as she grows older she will find other children more interesting.

You need to also be a good example by talking to others, so she can see it is a relaxing and safe environment. If you are glued to her side, she will be glued to yours as instinctively she will see she is not safe.

Chat to others and she will follow by example. Don't force it, no need to rush her into socialising with others they only play side by side at this age anyway. You will see a massive change in the next year.

Ds is 7 months and is in nursery 3 days a week while I work (I went back full time 5 days but he’s with my parents the other two days)

Nursery did an induction week two weeks before I went back to work. And ds was in full time for his days the week before I went.

We did an hour together the first day then I left him for hour and half the next. Then two hours. Then three hours. Then until 2.

@Stressedmum - yes he was fine when he started school - he fitted right in.
The thing is it’s perfectly natural for very young children to want to be with their mum/dad all the time, and I’m my experience (4DCs) has no impact whatsoever on their ability to socialise and interact with other children/adults when they’re older.
Have you thought about researching local play groups/ mums groups and gong to the ones you feel most attracted to? Do you drive? When I had my first child, I did this and it was an absolute godsend - I do get how isolating it can sometimes feel being a SAHM. We had a little daily timetable - get up/ breakfast etc - then around 9:30/10am set off to mum/baby group - it was a great way to meet other mums and for DC to interact and have fun with other children. We did this most days, then often had a coffee with other mums afterwards - some of my best friendships evolved this way - we began to see each other socially as
well - play dates at our houses in the afternoons, and meals with our OHs etc - and eventually all the DCs (from our village mum/baby group) started reception together - so my little one had a ready made friendship group.
Another thing I can highly recommend is joiing a book group - or yoga class, or tennis - or whatever you fancy a couple of evenings a week - honestly it really helps get that feeling of ‘self’ back. The years I’ve spent at home -pre school with my children are the best of my life - hope some of this makes sense OP x

Some people will say to persevere and they get used to it in the end, which of course they do.
for us we didn't want our children to have to get used to it, to be upset when it wasn't necessary, so they didn't go.
It's a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong.
If you want to go back to work you have no choice really, but don't be pushed into doing something because others do, you must do what is right for your family. If you don't want a nursery why not look at a childminder? The other alternative is not to go back to work until dc start school and cut your cloth accordingly.

DD2 was like this at 2. After a few weeks the staff suggested I take her out and I try again in a year.

At 3 we tried again and she loved nursery.

I'm glad we waited, and I did really enjoy the extra year with her at home. Luckily we were able to wait that bit longer before I went back to work. Otherwise I'd have found a childminder.