Wanting to not send DD nursrey

[stressedmumm]

I have a very clingy little girl she's only turned two in December,

We have decided to send her to nursrey because I want to go back to work I have no family locally as they all live 2 hours away and we have recently moved towns so me and DP don't know anybody here,

We only want to send her three days a week, but because she's only ever been with me and her DD she's only close with us two

Iv been bringing her into a day care nursrey for the past 2 weeks I have been leaving her for 20 mins to settle her in but she's been crying from the moment I leave her up until I collect her

DP says I should give it time she will settle

But I'm getting so upset I hate seeing her upset or cry I rather keep her home till she's ready for school but DP says she will be the same then so it's best we send her now so she can get used to the environment now rather than later

I honestly don't know what to do

I feel like I need to go back to work because I hate not working but at the same time I want to stay at home with DD

Is this normal for some children to cry and not settle in

She's my only child and I am struggling to cope with seeing her cr

If anybody has gone through this or has any advice I would really appreciate to hear about it

TIA x

Have you tried leaving her for short periods to play on her own in the house? My son used to scream the place down every time I left the room. I started having my breakfast in the kitchen after my boys had theirs and my oldest had gone to school. I put him in his playroom and told him I would be in the kitchen and would be back soon. He cried at first but then got used to it, he talks to me from there now, even though he can't directly see me he knows I'm there. He's 2 and a half and I know he will be ok if i need to go off and do a bit of tidying or have a shower. It might be worth starting with something like that?

My kids would have been the same at two, distraught at being left

I chose to stay with them.

They trotted off to school when the time was ready with hardly a backwards glance.

Trust your heart OP.

@elderfloweandrose - agree with you wholeheartedly- you could be me!
And spookily I make my own elderflower and rose cordial every year 😯

Our youngest DD was the same when we tried her at a childminder. She never settled and I would be called to pick her up as she would be inconsolable. In the end we took her out. At age 3 she started school nursery and skipped in happily. I think sometimes they’re just not ready.

Wise words @Speakout

I'm sorry, I find this really offensive. Children have different temperaments. You are implying, somewhat perniciously, that if the mother has been 'good enough' and her child 'attached' well enough, then the child won't cry on separation at an older age.

No I’m not implying anything of the sort. Stop making things up and putting words in my mouth @nolongerblue

OP herself has said her Dd is used to being cared for by both parents. Attachment theory isn’t specific to mothers (although in the 70s it was very much associated with mothers as the default primary career). You don’t need to throw your toys out of the pram and start inventing things just because it’s been mentioned.

I was saying that DH is completely unreasonable to predict behaviour at 4 based on behaviour at 2.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, my reply is to Op. I have worked in childcare (nursery) for 16 years. In my experience most children eventually settle however I have known some children who haven't. Some children who are two are just not ready but are ready when they are 3-4 (preschool age). Trust your instincts. If you don't think she's ready then you are probably right. If you feel that you want to wait a few more months and try again when she's a bit older than that's fine. Do what you feel is right for your family. Reassure your husband that developmentally there is a huge difference between a 2 year old and a school aged child and she most likely won't be anywhere near as clingy when she is older.

(And yes I agree that children have different temperaments and develop in different respects at different rates and it is often much better to accommodate that than to force them into “one size fits all” situations at x age because that’s a societal norm.)

I sent mine when they were three and a half. They were very ready and never cried going in.

The only ones I have seen cry are the two year olds. Many of their mums go home/to the gym and aren't working and could easily keep the children at home but send the children because its free. It baffles me really to see small children crying going in and coming out when it is unnecessary.

I was saying that DH is completely unreasonable to predict behaviour at 4 based on behaviour at 2.

So why bother to mention attachment theory (and basically tell OP she needs to go off and read some)? WHy link it to attachment theory at all?

So why bother to mention attachment theory (and basically tell OP she needs to go off and read some)? WHy link it to attachment theory at all?

Because attachment happens over a variable timeframe but it’s rare for there to be separation issues at reception age.

Because attachment happens over a variable timeframe but it’s rare for there to be separation issues at reception age.

No it isn't! I have just recently arranged support for my child starting school and the support worker from the LA said most of her work is with helping reception children settle.

Attachment theory isn’t a misogynistic construct @nongerblue

It got that reputation decades ago because it was discussed in a social context where SAHMS were the norm and primary carers were overwhelmingly mothers. It’s the assumption that women do the caring work that is sexist, not attachment theory itself which applies equally whoever provides the bulk of, or joint, care.

the support worker from the LA said most of her work is with helping reception children settle.

I don’t want to derail this thread arguing about it, so I’ll just say that at four, if they need help settling it is unlikely to be because of an attachment issue.

*DistanceCall
YABU.
Your child won't get over her separation anxiety if you keep her glued to your side. *

That is absolute garbage get your facts straight and enough with the mummy shaming.

Separation anxiety is a developmental milestone that all people went through when they were young. It really is something we grow out of as we get older and further develop our individualality, autonomy, trust, the concept of being a separate person, the concept of object permanence (understanding that when someone is out of view they still exist and haven't simply vanished).

My son was like this when first starting nursery (2yo) - he'd cry before I even left, was told by the manager to just leave without making a fuss (saying bye etc) go get a coffee and come back in an hour. Did this for 2/3 days and by day 3 he was so caught up playing he didn't even noticed I'd come back.
At first only played by himself or with the nursery workers but now he's the most popular child there! According to his key worker several children ask when my son's going to come in and play with them!
He's come on leaps and bound since going there so I really would recommend you push through. Maybe ask to prolong the settling in period? At my place it was 3/4days but maybe you could push that to a week, maybe two? Where you leave her for just an hour, maybe longer if they say she's been fine?
My son barely said a word to anyone before he started, me and dad included, now sings songs to us, dances, plays better and generally doesn't stop talking! Nursery is really good for young development. But obviously the choice is all yours and you do whats best for your DD :)

Another suggestion, how is she with your DH when you are away? One of my colleagues struggled with settling in and in the end the dad did it, their child was more happy with this than when the mum dropped off and came back later.

Can you wait to go back to work or do you lose the chance of having the job or do you have a job sorted? When she's older it might be a bit easier. If not honestly she will cry but f it's the right nursery she'll settle in no time when she realises all the fun she can have. And big hug, it's hard leaving them crying but the staff are trained to help

Excellent post @Mammasmitten
Very well said

ps (sorry just read on), if you leave it until 3 you have to start working on getting her to be around others, go to groups, get kids in etc. Otherwise you're just delaying the problem and making it harder for her

DS was awful at nursery & was so upset so I pulled him out for a year. DD was absolutely fine, she literally walked in and waved me goodbye despite not going to any sort of crèche etc before!! They all develop differently and are ready in their own time, so don’t don’t rush them if you don’t have to.

I tried sending mine at two and it was horrendous. When she did eventually settle it felt more like a acceptance that we were going to take her whether she liked it or not. I never felt like she was happy. Eventually I took her out because it just didn't feel right.

Fast forward to now she's three and just started nursery (traditional nursery rather than childcare type setting) and she absolutely loves it. Gives me a kiss and a hug and away she goes. She's absolutely ready for it now.

Attachment theory isn’t a misogynistic construct @nongerblue**

I never said it was. But mothers remain the parent most likely to be the primary carer, so pressure placed on parents based on misappropriations of attachment theory are most likely to affect mothers.

OP has said enough to give indications that her child may have a sensitive/ anxious temperament and if this is the case, is more likely to need support adjusting to a new environment, such as school. Based on her temperament, not her attachment levels.

Please don't force her if you don't have to. I tried leaving my DC at playgroup aged two and a half - they were very unhappy and after half a term I withdrew them. The playgroup was lovely but they just weren't ready. A year later they happily went to Nursery and a year after that to school which they loved.

so pressure placed on parents based on misappropriations of attachment theory are most likely to affect mothers.

It’s not pressure. It’s another variable area of development like any other.