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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 20:11

No family changing?

hazeyjane · 08/05/2018 20:11

and he is ablivious to naked people around him. He is not even registering it

This wouldn't matter to a 10 year old girl, embarrassed to be getting changed in front of a boy who looks like he is her age.

UnimaginativeUsername · 08/05/2018 20:11

Or even grandfather? Or uncle?

That would solve all your problems as they’d be in the men’s. And it’s a solution that would work when he’s 9.

If you’re determined to just do what you’re doing, then you will just have to accept that people may comment on a boy who looks 11 in the women’s changing room.

Smeddum · 08/05/2018 20:12

@Andrewofgg I didn’t realise that, thanks.

elderflowerandrose · 08/05/2018 20:13

Spoiling for a fight op, you do not seem remotely interested in seeking a proper solution or being reasonable. So just carry on ranting, at least that way you can get it all of you chest.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 08/05/2018 20:13

Your self entitled attitude is the problem Op. People have given you sensible suggestions of how to get round the problem and also how they feel having an 8 yr old boy in the women's changing rooms. Perhaps you should consider the feelings of women who want to take their daughters swimming and to be able to use the female changing rooms without worrying about having to hide their bodies from 8 yr old boys.

ForkIt · 08/05/2018 20:13

Wish I’d taken a sign of the pool I was at last week, it was so refreshingly sensible:

Paraphrasing:

We feel we need to address in writing the concerns we regularly get about boys in the female changing room. We do not have a set Age for boys to use this space. We are aware the root cause of the problem is the old fashioned style of our changing rooms, however to be inclusive of all our customers who made need support form family members to access the facility we will do the best we can. We recommend slightly older boys who are able to do so use the available cubicle or those concerned use the cubicle for changing.

Ticketsfrom · 08/05/2018 20:15

Wait for the disabled one to be free. Or have him in the cubicle with you standing at the door surpervising. Young boys 8 and under are fine in the ladies but older 10/11/12 definitely not because of course they’ll be looking at the girls/ women. If your son looks older i’m Not surprised that someone spoke up.

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleCrowbar · 08/05/2018 20:16

OK, so currently you have no problem as he's 8 & the pool policy allows 8yos to be in the changing rooms of the opposite sex. If anyone says anything, you would simply explain that he's 8. If they no likey, they take it up with pool management re age policy.

On his 9th birthday, he will be in breach of this policy if he's in the ladies' changing. If you no likey, you need to take that up with pool management re lack of disabled changing facilities.

Or adopt one of the many sensible strategies eg trunks under tracksuit bottoms, whip off trousers pool side, quick rub down & trousers back on after, that have already been suggested.

Or find another better designed pool?

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 20:16

I am not ignoring useful suggestion
I have asked countless times why there isn’t more disabled changes or a family change.
It’s under way- that’s what they say.
There is only 1 disabled change room. It is not situated in either male or female change room. It’s unisex I suppose
Thanks for all the useful suggestions

OP posts:
ForkIt · 08/05/2018 20:17

Oh, and I don’t think you are unreasonable with a child in a changing room.
Hardly a threat.
I’m quite surprised at the response on here, in our pool nobody bats an eyelid about family groups with parents right through primary age. That includes the men’s, they just go with whichever parent is taking them.

Idontdowindows · 08/05/2018 20:18

I would not be going to that pool ForkIt

Fortunately mine doesn't do silly business. It has a ladies, a gents, and unisex cubicles in a separate area.

Avasarala · 08/05/2018 20:18

@MirriVan

I was a psychologist, and I actually agree with the age chosen by the pool. 9 is a perfectly reasonable age to start that separation.

He may have special needs, but the public don’t know that. Young girls with their mothers won’t know that. And she has other options.

Stop being so obtuse. OP needs to choose a more sensible option.

bostonkremekrazy · 08/05/2018 20:18

I have the same problem - once they hit 9 we started to queue for the 1 disabled cubicle.
yes its a pain in the ass
yes we have to get there in time to queue

yes i want my children to learn about respecting each other's right to privacy, and allowing each other to dress and undress in a manner that makes people feel most comfortable.

so there Grin

JaniceBattersby · 08/05/2018 20:18

Have you raised the lack of disabled changing facilities with the staff, OP? That would be my starting point, then they might have something in place by the time your son is nine and no longer allowed in the ladies’ facilities.

Smeddum · 08/05/2018 20:18

Then direct your anger at the sports centre for failing to provide decent facilities (which you’d be right to do) instead of the women in the changing room (which isn’t right)

missbonita · 08/05/2018 20:19

Your anger is misplaced. It is not women that are the problem here, women are aloud to not want an older male child in the changing rooms. The issue is the sports centre have insufficient disabled changing facilities. Direct your wrath at the sports centre, after all their cut off is 9 and then you will be stuck unless they improve the disabled changing - and not thru the fault of any female customer.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 08/05/2018 20:21

YABU. I wouldn't feel comfortable changing in front of a boy of that age (or any boy that isn't my son tbh) and neither should my DD be made to feel awkward. It is annoying that there isn't more disabled changing facilities but the needs of you and your son do not trump the needs of all the females who want to change in the female changing rooms in private. There is somewhere for you to go, you just don't want to wait and have an entitled attitude.

Lovemusic33 · 08/05/2018 20:22

I would look for another pool, it’s wrong that they don’t provide more disabled changing. The pool I go too does a lot to help disabled people, many wheelchair users use the pool as well as the elderly and people with sn’s. There are individual cubicals, cubicals they are slightly larger as well as family changing, there’s also 2 disabled changing rooms. The pool you use does not sound disabled friendly.

TenGinBottles · 08/05/2018 20:22

This is why I don't take my DC swimming any more. It's even worse in our case because the only accessible changing room is inside the ladies changing rooms. When I asked what I should do, I was told to carry on as I was. And they mentioned they'd had complaints the previous week about a male, 18 year old wheelchair user who'd also had to use the ladies... but that people just have to put up with it.

Last time I took DS(7) I changed him in and then made him wait in the cubicle until we were ready to go. But I still got some glares.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 20:23

Single mum and no family
But yeah a dad or uncle or grandad would work great, but unfortunately I haven’t got that option

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 08/05/2018 20:23

So being a certain gender and able bodied trumps being disabled! I have a disabled son and it has been less than easy.
It isn't as easy as change times or wait at all! People have no idea. I despair on times.
Trans people have more rights than disabled people from what I read on here!

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 20:23

Starfish you are getting a hard time here I think! Your son maybe ok to use female changing for now, no idea of the swimming pool rules!

Id be more concerned with for how much longer is he going to be comfortable doing so?

My son wouldn’t be happy with changing in front of others, girls or boys from about 5.

Sirzy · 08/05/2018 20:24

Tiny, plenty of people on here have plenty of idea what it’s like to have a disabled child. However that doesn’t mean that the comfort of other people is irrlevant.

And again what about the child’s right to dignity?