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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
bloomsburyer · 10/05/2018 09:58

@StopBeingNosey I'm compassionate. Please remember this is a post in AIBU which I answered politely. It's the OP's attitude and lack of insight which leads to such responses.

Shedmicehugh1 · 10/05/2018 10:04

Shock @ lack of insight, ironic!

zzzzz · 10/05/2018 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 10/05/2018 10:09

@bloomsburyer
You are totally right. Thanks I’ll just go hide under a rock now

OP posts:
Sleepyblueocean · 10/05/2018 10:10

The child is 8 so he is allowed to be the ladies. Why do people think they can make up their own rules about where other people can go.

bloomsburyer · 10/05/2018 10:11
Hmm
Balaboosteh · 10/05/2018 10:13

This thread has given me pause for thought and I really apologise for my previous harsh tone. I wish to be compassionate and really do get what it is like to deal with disability as previously explained. But OP I would like to question the direction of your anger and what you are fighting for here. Are you fighting the “system” and arguing for better facilities? In which case, all power to yOu. Are you angry with the woman who complained? Well, yes, she wasn’t kind or understanding of your life, and yes she did something I would never do, but she is within her rights to not want to get naked in the company of an adolescent boy. Does it really matter, in the scheme of things, that she complained? Or is your argument with the leisure centre for their handling of this conflict of interest? Or is it that you really just want to vent, and feel that the world is against you, in which case you you have my sympathy over this unpleasant incident - but this is a tricky place because people here don’t always say the things you want to hear but there may be something in what they say.

Appletreecorner · 10/05/2018 10:13

It's a very tricky situation.

OP is obviously very frustrated that her son needs to swim on medical advice but the facilities at the pool do not allow a comfortable experience for her and d's.

At the same time I can see that females are not happy with a male being in a female only space - more so because they have pre teen daughter's who are uncomfortable with the presence of a male in a space designed for females.

There's no easy answer.

If you have to join the swim lesson and the disabled changing room isn't free at this time would you be better off taking your d's swimming outside of lesson time OP, when the disabled space is more freely accessible?

You say your son has weak muscle tone so presumably the lesson is to strengthen his muscles. Does that require actual swim lessons? It may do. I don't know. Just looking for an alternative suggestion which would better suit all parties.

At the moment it seems your d's is of an age where he can use the female facilities so keep using them while you can. It must be extremely hard for you both if mothers are standing up for their daughters rights. I feel for you 💐

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 10/05/2018 10:13

Wow some people are nasty (looking at you bloomsburyer) . Anyone uncomfortable with changing in front of an eight year old can go to the cubicle with literally no inconvenience to them. OP can continue to use the female changing room with her young son with special needs.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 10/05/2018 10:15

space designed for females.

It's not actually a space designed for females it's a space designed for adult females and any children who are accompanying them. As a pre teen girl I would have been uncomfortable too. I would have used a cubicle. No problem.

Emma198 · 10/05/2018 10:15

OP I'm sorry for what this thread has turned in to. If your boy looks 11 I can understand why the woman at first glance might have been set aback but as soon as she saw he has SN surely she could be rational about it and not complain, and have some empathy for you as a mother. I would have been upset if I were you. This thread is quite awful and I'm sorry you've been subjected to it.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 10/05/2018 10:16

You say your son has weak muscle tone so presumably the lesson is to strengthen his muscles. Does that require actual swim lessons?

I can't believe anyone would seriously suggest excluding her disabled son from the swimming pool! An eight year old is perfectly entitled to be in the female changing room with his mother, even if he had no disability.

LucheroTena · 10/05/2018 10:22

As he’s 8 and the upper age limit is 9 then you’re within the rules and what can you do? Beyond aged 9 then I guess it will be a case of either renegotiating the swim time to a quieter time or lobbying the pool for more disabled changing facilities. I don’t like women being blamed for wanting single sex changing facilities though, or feeling that they need to stay covered up in case they offend males using such facilities.

zzzzz · 10/05/2018 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/05/2018 10:26

This thread remains nasty

Op sorry Flowers

lifetothefull · 10/05/2018 10:27

I'm feeling very grateful for our local pool which has village changing. It is all cubicles including some larger ones suitable for parents and children. It means mums or dads can take children swimming. I don't have to worry that a child I have taught will come in and see me getting changed.

You shouldn't need disabled changing facilities, just facilities that are more family friendly and accessible to all types of user, including 9 year old girls who may still need help from their dad to wash their hair and 8 year old boys who need supervision from their mum, teenagers who don't want to meet their teacher while changing, women who don't want boys staring at them ...
Take it up with the leisure centre OP if there aren't more suitable facilities elsewhere.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 10/05/2018 10:27

I don’t like women being blamed for wanting single sex changing facilities though, or feeling that they need to stay covered up in case they offend males using such facilities.
That’s the thing though, me or my son were not offended by anyone not being covered up. I wouldn’t even notice as I am concentrating on getting him dry and dressed. I couldn’t care less if they were all naked doing cartwheels.
Point is she saw a disabled child, she thought he looked older than 8 and still proceed to make a complaint.

OP posts:
BlurryFace · 10/05/2018 10:29

If the women have problems being seen naked by a child, they can get swimming wraps.

BrashCandicoot · 10/05/2018 10:31

Are people missing the fact that the OP’s son is actually 8 and is allowed in the ladies’ until he’s 9? Incidentally is that until he turns 9, or does it include while he’s 9?

Woman queries the presence of a boy who looks to be 11 (as they’re not allowed in the ladies’), gets told “he’s actually 8, just big for his age.” Everyone gets on with their life.

The centre need more family and accessible changing facilities though.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 10/05/2018 10:33

Take it up with the leisure centre OP if there aren't more suitable facilities elsewhere.

I am doing that, I have filled in many
Consultation forms etc.
They decided to add dry changing room for gym users so they don’t have to use the wet ones for the pool.
I will keep complaining, I will not give up. Yes I’d prefer it if there was a more suitable facility for us to use, but for now there isn’t. Yes he is still ok to come with me to female change room. I will take him in there if one disabled room is not available for as long as he is allowed.
And why should I go somewhere else? This location suits us, timing suits us, facilities are not great but doable. It’s people that have issue with us not the other way around

OP posts:
Balaboosteh · 10/05/2018 10:34

OP so I think that your problem here is with this woman who complained. Some people aren’t as kind as others, it’s true. It’s a shame.

BakedBeans47 · 10/05/2018 10:36

Wow bloomsbury that’s not on. The OP (as I am sure she is aware) did herself no favours with her earlier posts but as the thread has gone on it’s clear she’s just frustrated by a difficult situation x

0ccamsRazor · 10/05/2018 10:39

Not helpful but to throw another issue into the changing room/female space. What happens when a male self id's as a female uses this female only changing space?

BakedBeans47 · 10/05/2018 10:42

Not helpful but to throw another issue into the changing room/female space. What happens when a male self id's as a female uses this female only changing space?

Oh, no doubt he’ll be able to use it if he likes and any objection will be shouted down as transphobic.

As long as trans people get their way, to fuck with wome and disabled people eh. How depressing :(

Original poster
starfish2020 · 10/05/2018 10:45

@Balaboosteh

OP so I think that your problem here is with this woman who complained. Some people aren’t as kind as others, it’s true. It’s a shame.

My issue is the lack of facilities. But yes I got mad at the person who complained as i felt while she had a few options I had none.
And that she complained :(
The reall issue though is the lack of disabled facilities. And I am complaining about it

OP posts: