AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

Other things we have done;
Save swim lessons for school holidays (different times and different volunteers - visiting relatives etc)
Buy a trampoline (this was much better than swimming from a physio perspective in actuality)
Use DLA / respite provision to pay for same sex companion (befriending service when older)

It’s not easy. But the issue isn’t going to change, so it’s important to figure out how to work round it. It’s not appropriate to take a young person into a different sex changing room once they are too old. It’s not dignified for anyone, least of all the person with additional needs.

Slanetylor she waited for the family changing room with her Dad”

Why don’t you continue to do this, if you don’t want your dd to see an 8 year old possibly naked?

I think you would have been 100% reasonable a couple of years ago, and would be 100% unreasonable to still be doing it this way in a couple of years time, and at the moment you are in a transition period between and have the opportunity to explore different options that might work.

If it's for a swimming lesson presumably you aren't getting naked yourself - so perhaps the two of you should be in the men's?

Have you lobbied the management for more gender-neutral, family and accessible changing areas?

Just how early would you need to arrive in order to use the accessible room?

I personally think boys over 7 should go to Male or disabled changing area. That's not ablist while there are disabled facilities available. Sex is also a protected characteristic. I don't see how pointing that out breaks TGs, people are so quick to report anything they don't agree with!

However - the OP's son is 8 and this pool's age limit is 9 - therefore he is still allowed to use the female changing area with her. But the women complaining because they think he is 10/11 aren't unreasonable to do so.

It's not a very nice situation for OP to be in either but ranting at people who have a legitimate discomfort (at what appears to be a pre teen boy in the women's) and saying they should be the ones to move obviously got people's backs up. Since then OP has modified her tone and there's been (mostly) more reasoned discussion.

Boys over 7 cannot use the disabled facilities, unless they have a disability!

If I saw an 8 year old child, who could possibly be 10/11 being changed, laying down, by his mum. My first thought would be there must be good reason for this! Not I must report this!

That's what I meant shed

If they are disabled -> use the disabled facility
If not -> use the men's

And if the disabled facilities are in use for a long time, then miss your lesson or just don’t bother going swimming at all?

And yes, OP has said she also needs to get changed.

Well said zzzzz

DD can't go to swimming lessons because she's too young to be unaccompanied around the pool. Swimming pool policy.
DS is too old to go in the female changing rooms. Swimming pool policy.
Accessible changing is inside the female changing rooms so technically he is not allowed to walk to it. He also looks older and is much larger than most children his age and SN are not immediately apparent. He is also getting uncomfortable with all the glares in his direction.

My mother in law took the DC to the supermarket toilets the other day. She was told as an exception they would unlock the accessible ones for her but next time to take him somewhere else.

I also find some sort of weird disablism in the OPs refusal to use the disabled facilities that have been provided. What’s going on with that?

Thank you for showing me there are still people out there who just don’t get disability.
I thought in this day and age it was more normalised but clearly not.

Again to point out yes I was mad with the woman who complained because IT IS obvious he has special needs. There is no mistaking it. It bothers me that’s she felt her right to walk around naked is more important than that of a child that is not able to do things for himself and needed a carer (right or wrong, that’s how I felt)
As he is getting older it is getting harder.
I don’t get respite, I don’t have family in the same country as I am in and most of my friends are mums with disabled kids so lending a hand is not easy. I go it alone and I don’t begrudge that at all!!! But when I am faced with attitudes that are so ignorant I can’t help but get upset.
It costs nothing to be kind
Any this is not the worst thing that’s happened to us. He’s been called names and other children told to stay away from him as he is sick etc...
It goes on and on. Seriously the shit I put up on a weekly basis, you just wouldn’t have a clue. So getting mad, well yes I do get mad 😡
I am not mother Theresa or Mary poppins. I am a mother with a disabled child, not a saint!

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh, the OPs attitude just got my back up!

*Balaboosteh

I also find some sort of weird disablism in the OPs refusal to use the disabled facilities that have been provided. What’s going on with that?*

I don’t know, you tell me!
If it’s available I use it, if it’s not than I don’t. How is that refusal???

I’ve been dealing with disability all my life, none of this is new. But it is WAY better than it used to be, believe me.

@Balaboosteh
What is my attitude ?
Why is it getting your back up?
Genuinely I’d like to know.
Because I am baffled 😕

Nasty, OP, nasty. You’re going to struggle in the next few years of bringing up your son if you don’t grow a bit more compassion and ability to negotiate.

Wow you know me so well. And the emoticon is meant as in crying in despair as don’t know if I should laugh or cry.
But you know me so much better so that’s for pointing it out.
So I guess I am nasty and probably deserve everything I get. Yes?!

Are people being intentionally obtuse or just not reading any comments at all?

@bloomsburyer

Sorry but you are. You should use the disabled changing room not the ladies.

You know what, I think I should just shut up and stay away from the able people and children whilst with my son. After all unless a disabled facility is available than we have no right to use it. That’s how this is coming across.

bloomsbury please remember you are speaking to an actual person, struggling to negotiate life with a disabled child. A little compassion wouldn’t go amiss.