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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 21:19

Irony indeed. I’m not sure you understand what it means. Grown adults can do what they like. My girl hasn’t seen an 8 year old penis so I don’t know how’d she react. There are no private cubicles in our pool and no quiet corners. Going into a women’s changing room to change as a young woman without a guardian has no relation to a boy who needs physical care.

FuckingHateRain · 09/05/2018 21:28

Are there eyes going to melt if they happen to catch sight of an 8 year olds penis?
Well some would say they could get pregnant!! 😭😭😭

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 21:31

Oh I think I do... and I have no idea what you are saying in your second sentence. And you haven't said how old your children are but I will assume at least 8 since your husband isn't taking them into the male facilities although I obviously don't know what the limit is in your pool. I'm presuming they do know that boys and girls aren't the same? She may be curious or might ask you questions, does that worry you? Have they always only gone to the pool with your husband? If so, then surely they will have been in the male changing and seen a penis before?

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 21:40

Actually Slaney have you ever seen an 8 year old's penis? I can appreciate that if you only have girls you may not have. I can guarantee that it won't be the most noticeable thing in the world and a girl in the changing room would be hard pushed to notice unless up close or really looking.

FuckingHateRain · 09/05/2018 21:47

You really can't go round demanding your DS has access to a protected single sex space when he turns 9!
That's the spirit of support!! Hmm
She's not demanding anything, she's venting for the lack of provision for SN circumstances! Let's just kick them out on the street to change, shall we?

This thread is getting more depressive by the minute !

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 21:57

I’ve seen plenty of penises of all ages thanks very much. Boys penises are nothing special. But women’s changing rooms are nothing special.

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to persuade my eldest that her body is private and not to go showing her private parts to all and sundry. I have no idea how she would react to a boy her own age lying naked across the bench being changed by his mom. But I’d wish to be there to explain that’s it’s normal. But I often work when she has her swimming lessons do I can’t be there. When she was younger I always took her or she waited for the family changing room with her Dad. Often wrapped in a wet towel for 30 mins because yes swimming pool facilities are shit.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 21:57

She’s not venting for lack of facilities. It’s been very clear she’s venting that someone thought her son was older than 9.

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckingHateRain · 09/05/2018 22:04

She’s not venting for lack of facilities. It’s been very clear she’s venting that someone thought her son was older than 9.
She's been put in this situation because of the prehistoric facilities. She wouldn't have vented if she had somewhere suitable or big enough to change. Let's do the maths shall we ?

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 22:04

In the initial post yes, subsequent posts she wasn't.

glad you agree that facilities are shit. I'm sure that if it wasn't so important to his development, the OP wouldn't bother anymore as life is sometimes hard enough. It's just depressing that people seem to want to make it harder when they could easily make slight modification to their own routines. You could just as easily explain to your DD that sometimes boys might be there or that sometimes some people need extra support and that's okay too. Either before or after. Most DC are more resilient than we give them credit for.

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 22:09

Of course I’m not. But it is age related. It wouldn’t be appropriate for a teenage boy of a 30 year old woman to be tended to like this in the open because they are entitled to dignity and privacy. The op has made it clear many times, her problem is the other women. She is happy to use the women’s changing room, on the rare occasion she used the disabled room she didn’t like it. That’s never been the gist of her posts.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 22:11

*or a 30 year old woman

FuckingHateRain · 09/05/2018 22:13

The op has made it clear many times, her problem is the other women because she explicitly said that management did nothing!! Hence she has nowhere to go to, she's by herself needing people's understanding and support and all she got was the evil eye from them ..

As for your DD, teach her how the world is, it has SN people, penises and ginas and she will really benefit from showing understanding, inclusion and consideration!

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 22:26

A selection of the OPs posts if you read them past the first page or so...

I am trying to do the best for my boy. Physio said he needs to go swimming.
Yes it’s bad no decent disabled facilities available
Yes it’s bad women feel uncomfortable.
But they do have a choice and I don’t

I do feel on verge of tears and just so frustrated that it’s always our problem and not anyone else’s.

My point is
Should I stop taking him in the female change (even though he has every right to be there) for the sake of people who are uncomfortable (and able to use private cubicles)

Believe me I have approached this subject many a times with management. They keep promising but not delivering

Without trying to sound horrible I think it’s pretty obvious my son is disabled, he has to lie down to get changed/dried as he has no balance to do it standing up and low muscle tone to do it sitting
Basically I have to dry him while he is rolled up in a towel like a pancake

When I first posted this I was feeling mad, than some replies made me feel defensive and now I just feel sad

More family changing rooms are needed. That’s for sure

I honestly don’t know what I will do when he turns 9
But I will not be breaking the pool rules and bring him in the female change.
My AIBU is should I find alternative now as to not “upset” ladies that are bothered by it
Or should they accept the fact boys up to age 9 are allowed and they have the choice to cover up or use the cubicle

After sleeping on it I actually do feel different now.
I was slightly pissed off last night, but I do realise how I came across entitled. I really am not, believe me.
I will be writing an email to the centre again pointing out all this and the useless one disable facility they have

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 23:06

She had clearly said that she WILL continue to bring her boy to the changing room. Or her new AIBU to find a new place earlier.
Only one of these are true.

I’m on my phone but if you wanted to go back and paste all the insults the OP has written too, you will see why she’s not getting the best out of people.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 09/05/2018 23:10

Honestly I wish I never posted but also I am actually glad to read all the replies as it shows that some people are just not worth even trying to explain as they will just never get it.
And some are much more supportive and understanding.
Much like the changing room crowd. Most don’t complain, we are there every week. This was the first complaint this year come to think of it.

And just to point out my sons penis is not in show, I do cover him and protect his modesty. He doesn’t care obviously but I do and I don’t want to offend anyone either, in case someone should glance at him naked and take offence.
Yes I am mad! Mad at lack of facilities!
But also mad at lack of understanding, I don’t really have much choice, and I still feel that is a boy age 8 bothers you, than use the cubicle.
It’s reasonable to expect the boys in there with their mums as it’s swimming lesson time and it’s very obvious and one pool is closed for that reason.
I am not entitled, I dont expect anything at all (well other than suitable facilities) and never have I said I will keep bringing him to female change once he is 9.
In fact I don’t think I’ll take him again at all from now on.
It’s not worth the hassle and just as there are people on here trying to point out how horrible selfish entitled etc I am, I am sure there will be people like that in the changing room too.
I want to avoid causing any more offence.
Next week I go there with him I will ask at reception where can I change him. And follow their advice
Problem is I also have to change too so poolside is NOT an option.
Thanks to everyone who managed to see past the first venting and showed some understanding and support.
It’s good to know there are people like that out there :-)

Which reminds me of an incident at the airport when a complete stranger went apeshit at the staff for asking me why did I book special assistance as he has legs and can walk. 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 09/05/2018 23:11

*She had clearly said that she WILL continue to bring her boy to the changing room. Or her new AIBU to find a new place earlier.
Only one of these are true.

I’m on my phone but if you wanted to go back and paste all the insults the OP has written too, you will see why she’s not getting the best out of people.*

I have NEVER said that.

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 23:17

The point I am making is that the defensiveness etc was all at the beginning of the thread, you know when she was angry and frustrated and people were reacting to that. If you then continue through the thread the tone changes and she is then more focused on the issue of the lack of facilities.

And yes, of course she will continue to take him into the changing facilities where he is allowed to be and where she is discretely changing him. She has already said that when he turns 9 she will be unable to do that so is looking for alternative classes/pools/times and continuing to ask for better facilities. What do you want her to do? Disappear totally so that no-one is ever inconvenienced because her son has needs that mean he can't change himself.

There is an entitled attitude on this thread but it's not the OPs.

Maybe some people don't have a "best" that the OP should be spending her time trying to draw out. I'm just a regular, average, ordinary human being, I don't have a child with a disability or really any contact with anyone who does but I can still manage to see where the OP is coming from and would be happy to make any accommodation required. She has said that it's fairly obvious that her child has a disability and yet someone still queried his age. That's pretty shitty whatever way you want to slice it up.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 23:17

You said you WILL continue to bring him until he is 9 as you are entitled to.
Then you said you were considering changing pools before then.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 23:19

you’ve spent a lot of your efforts here insulting people needlessly. Yes some people don’t get it. But lots were trying to offer solutions for your little boy too.

mousecar · 09/05/2018 23:19

Maybe some people don't have a "best" that the OP should be spending her time trying to draw out.

Absolutely that.

FuckingHateRain · 09/05/2018 23:19

Bless you OP, you're fantastic mum, have a good evening and don't stop fighting xxx