AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

I’m astounded by the number of people who think it’s reasonable for an 8 year old to come out of the pool and stand dripping wet and cold until the disabled facility becomes available (it might take half an hour - say someone uses a hoist and needs two people to assist in drying and dressing for example, or a child with LD who has a routine which must be followed, if that it interrupted by someone on the other side of the door trying the handle and shouting it might take even longer).

Would anyone accept being told their child must just wait for a room for changing and that wait will take as long as it takes? As an adult I wouldn’t do that - let alone ask it of my child. I think a conversation with the manager would help.

Sorry for your scenario and for the lack of empathy. Lots of people just don’t understand and ignorance is unfortunately bliss.

The rules of the pool are there is a changing room for females and accompanied males up to the age of 9. Neither changing rooms are designated female or male ONLY.

So whilst the Ops DS is 8, he is in the correct changing room and is as entitled to be in their as any female or child of 8. The same applies to a male taking his daughter into the other changing room. No one is attempting to trump anyone else or take away Female/Male space as it just doesn't exist.
The pool has the right to designate it's changing rooms as it sees fit, so people either use it within those rules or just don't use it and go elsewhere. Their choice.

Obviously when he is 9 then Op , as she has already said will not be able to go into the current changing room and will need to find another solution.

OP next time you vent please ensure you have a nice British tone in you! Whatever shit happens to you or your kid with SN, just don't use "prounce" !

*OP next time you vent please ensure you have a nice British tone in you! Whatever shit happens to you or your kid with SN, just don't use "prounce" ! confused

Thanks, I was just thinking this to myself.

If only there was a way of ranting in a polite way. When you are angry and fed up and tired I presume all those people who picked up on it have the ability to just ignore it.
Yes I was venting, yes I was mad, yes i did see how that might have come across as entitled or rude
Now what?! That’s how I felt at that given moment, and I don’t need to apologise for that. Are you seriously telling me no one gets mad?!

I am by no means perfect OP and rant on a regular basis, maybe that's why it comes natural to spot it! :o

I just don’t think that this is on the leisure centres radar though. They didn’t know the age of the boy so they went to check, so I doubt they are doing anything to help. They didn’t even seem to know anything about him.

OP , we re MN here where we happily call each other 'cunts' cunt posts don't get removed and we absolutely do our best to fuck the OP up for daring to complain about dated, inflexible and unadaptable society who can't even have a big enough changing room to work around a person that needs extra help ... there you go! Depressing thread ! No support just focusing on your vocubulary!

Op this thread saddened me

I hope despite all your got some ideas and support

The op is totally entitled to rant. But her complaint wasn’t about the lack of facilities. She was complaining that a woman who thought her son was 10 or 11 told the staff that there was a boy of 10 or 11 in the change room. And if she was that bothered why didn’t she use s cubicle instead of prancing around naked.
Totally fine rant. But it wasn’t complaining about facilities. It was complaining that people thought her son looked older than he is, while telling us that her son looks older than he is.

Obviously not everyone did see that you were venting and ranting. With your update today it is much more obvious and there have been more constructive and supportive replies (well apart from this people who insist on reading the 1st post and nothing else)

Unfortunately, when writing something whether it’s an email, text, FB post or something on MN, it is too easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood, which is why time and time again you see advice telling people to pick up the phone, or go and see someone and stop sending written messages.

I’m sorry that the LC haven’t got proper facilities in place for you and you are well within your right to take your son into the female changing rooms for now but you have to accept that as he looks older than he is, there may be more complaints. And those complaints are valid as they don’t know how old he is.

As I said before, name and shame them. I’m sure a few phone calls or messages from mnetters might make them rethink their changing room facilities.

The op hasn’t changed her replies since her first post. She is not being unreasonable to rant. Absolutely fully entitled to and more than most. But not at women who mistakenly thought her child was older.

Op, I understand your frustration and I believe you may be taking it out on here, good for you but nobody fully understands unless they have disabled DC themselves. I don't think you are behaving in an entitled manner.
I have a DS with severe learning difficulties, we don't go swimming because of this issue, disabled changing is dire at my local pool, I've had all the tutting from women whilst changing him in the women's changing area, he is very clearly disabled (Down Syndrome) it got me down so much that we stopped going. Breasts and vaginas are the same as ears and noses to my DS.
What with women tutting and other children staring at him it often reduced me to tears then made me furiously angry.
The real problem here is disabled people do not have their needs met and the amount of ignorance among the general public is disgraceful.
My DS (12yrs) is now nearly finally dry yet when I take him out shopping I have to put a pull up on him. We have a key to access the only public disabled loo in our town but if we are in Marks and Spencer's and he signs that he needs a wee we are on borrowed time, by the time I've managed to find a member of staff to ask to use the disabled loo he has often wet himself.
Disabled people, especially disabled children seem to have the least basic human rights of anybody. It's not about entitlement it's about a little bit of understanding and empathy and better public facilities for the most vulnerable members of our society.

I dont want my 10 year old daughter to have to change in front of an 11 year old boy. This would make her deeply uncomfortable in a womans only space. Special needs is an umbrella term and does not mean they are non sexual and wouldnt be curious to look at other girls. 11 to an younger girl seems ancient. You have a space to use but choose not to and say women in their space should cover up to accommodate you. Yabu.

The OP's son is 8. You can't expect him to change elsewhere just because he looks older.

@Eatalot
Well that was scintillating twattiness. The ops ds is 8. Ffs and totally entitled to be in the women’s changing room.

@Eatalot he’s 8, not 11. At least read the thread before commenting.

Op, I'm sorry you're sad and I can see you understand why your first post upset people last night as it looked to be criticising women who weren't doing anything wrong. Obviously it must be upsetting and at the moment you're not breaking any rules but I wondered if you'd read the posts that suggested you go to your MP or Councillors. As I mentioned my local council has a committee of councillors (and other local charities) who are responsible for making the area (and council run / owned services) more friendly for people with disabilities. Also I have a very nice local mums Facebook page and I'm sure if this was an issue for me they would support me in trying to lobby the leisure centre to make a change to their facilities. I'm sure you're not the only person with this problem either and it might be you can somehow reach other people in the same position and lobby together. I hope it works out.

And just to add, again, it's not a woman only space. It's an area where women, girls and boys under age 9 can get changed. Cubicles are available for those who want privacy.

So a 9 year old is fine and someone who is 9 years and a day is not ok. And someone who looks 11 but is 8 is fine.
People don’t have rules like that about who they’re comfortable being naked in front of. The woman thought he was older and said it to staff. Staff checked age and he is only 8. Why the vitriol towards the woman. She genuinely thought he was older.

FFS you could have at least pretended to read the thread eatsalot
Have a read of the post above yours from drainedandconfused grown women tutting at her son who has Down syndrome because he was in the women's changing room

It's fucking disgusting

drainedandconfused
I'm sorry your son has been treated that way
What the fuck is wrong with people

I would assume a boy getting changed with his mum, in the female changing rooms was ‘allowed’ to be in there, unless he looked about 40!

I think everyone, including the OP when she calmed down a bit appreciated that it was reasonable of the woman/women to query the boys age. However there have been some posters who wouldn't be happy with him being there regardless especially as he "looks older" .

The OPs anger was misplaced but who of us hasn't vented to or at the wrong person sometimes? The woman/women in this case were the trigger that pushed the OP over the edge.

Who knows if these women would be any more comfortable knowing he was younger, or just accepting because he wasn't breaking the rules? The point attempting to be made was that if a young boy in the changing facilities made you uncomfortable you could use a cubicle rather than make life more difficult for a parent and child with additional needs. Or you could open your mouth and speak to the mother and establish where a compromise is most easily made rather than leaving her feeling that someone has gone behind her back.

Some people prefer to change in the open but the reality is that they could compromise and use a cubicle. I'm sure OP would love to be able to do the same but that isn't possible for her situation.

And I agree there isn't a magic age that one day it is fine and the next day it isn't. However, the staff can't be making every judgement on a case by case basis so they set a standard which in this case is under 9 (so in the example given above, in fact a 9 year old on their birthday actually isn't within the rules anymore). What age the child looks is completely irrelevant.

Women and girls have exactly the same recourse as Mmn and boys do in the alternate scenario in that they can choose to go elsewhere, go at a time where children are unlikely to be there, they can use a cubicle or they can campaign for change either to support joint changing facilities incorporating sufficient family and additional need changing, lowering the age limit or whatever they feel is appropriate or simply mump and moan and make parents who already have a difficult job feel worse.

and couldn't agree more with OKPedro.

Out of interest would the ‘no boys allowed’ posters be happy with unisex changing?

I've never understood this.

We used to have seperate male and female changing rooms (with cubicles)...so there was the usual angst over what age a boy should be expected to use the male changing room alone.

Now we have a changing village for everyone (with cubicles - no bigger - school changing occupies the old male changing room)...magically, no problem.