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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 09/05/2018 10:28

Or use A private cubicle, as I presume she doesn’t need to lie down whilst being changed. Hey? She is 10. She & I don't fit in a private cubical because they are as big as a toilet cubical.

Also, you said you can't fit in a cubical with your 8yr old, yet you expect me to be able to do so with my daughter?

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starfish2020 · 09/05/2018 10:35

Because she is female and we don''t need to, because she can get changed in the female change room. And I need her to learn these things because the world won't fit for her.

But boys up to age 8/9 are perfectly allowed to use the female facilities.
If it distresses her so much why would you not just give her the privacy she needs?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/05/2018 10:37

Because by your own findings that isn’t as easy as it should be!

SpringerLink · 09/05/2018 10:37

It is a tricky one. I have the same issue with a 9 yo DS. The changing rooms at our pool say up to 8 in the wrong gender changing room, but there is no way he is able to change himself alone yet. Bizzarely, the age for unaccompanied children in the changing rooms is 13, so who knows what a DS with mum or a DD with dad is meant to do between age 9 and 13??

I generally change my DC in a corner as far as I can, and so far I've had no complaints. But he is small and quite unbotrusive. There's a much older boy with evident SN who often changes in the ladies and it does make me a bit uncomfortable as he has touched me (on the head, not inappropriately) while I was changing in the past.

In your situation, I would wait for the disabled changing room, and pressure the leisure centre to create more space for people with diabilites of all kinds.

starfish2020 · 09/05/2018 10:38

Also, you said you can't fit in a cubical with your 8yr old, yet you expect me to be able to do so with my daughter?

I don’t expect anything, I was simply asking why don’t you provide her the privacy she clearly needs if she is getting so distressed
As for size of cubicle, well I explained that already, he needs to lie down. Just not possible, but a parent and child could make it work

OP posts:
starfish2020 · 09/05/2018 10:39

Because by your own findings that isn’t as easy as it should be!

Exactly

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 10:39

OPs ds needs to lie down. Maybe you could do as was suggested to the OPS and stand in the doorway while your daughter changes giving her privacy?

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2018 10:44

I was simply asking why don’t you provide her the privacy she clearly needs if she is getting so distressed because her world is small enough as it is, and she needs to learn to cope, she needs to be stretched, because she isn't going to have an out for every situation. Again, you are expecting every female to change for the sake of your son.

It really is one of those AIBU threads, isn't it?

eggcellent · 09/05/2018 10:44

You should wait until the disabled is free, I don't believe it's always in use. It would make a lot of women feel uncomfortable having an older boy in the female changing rooms.

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2018 10:45

stand in the doorway while your daughter changes giving her privacy? Because she is female and entitled to be in a female space without having to hide herself.

Sleepyblueocean · 09/05/2018 10:47

Her son is 8. He is allowed to be in that room.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 10:50

And so is the OPS son in a space he is entitled to be. Different has already said her daughter finds being in the female changing difficult even with women. That's not a lesson I think needs pursuing really. I've never get been in any facility where I haven't been able to use a cubicle of some description since godfather not change in the open. That feeling is not confined to people with additional needs

IceSwan · 09/05/2018 10:56

Why would anyone be bothered by a child?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 11:03

differentname
I’m sorry your dd is struggling with the situation for your dd. I think both you and op just want to be heard. We all do when faced with difficulty.

I don’t believe op is expecting every female to change for the sake of her son. Unfortunately there isn’t always a solution in life and with anything, which is shared, there will always be challenges to meet everyone’s needs.

LetsSplashMummy · 09/05/2018 11:04

This thread is pretty horrible, two parties both in the right, fighting each other instead of coming together to campaign for better disabled access and facilities. OP, this is going to get worse, year on year, as he gets bigger - start campaigning for a better space now and don't let the leisure centre push you into annoying other people and making you and them uncomfortable. They can easily say "just go in the female changing room," as you are the one dealing with the fallout, not them. I think OP has picked the wrong adversary in the thread title, and had you said "if my son bothers you, take it up with the leisure centre," or "what do you want me to do?" the tone would have been kinder. If you start making a fuss now, hopefully there will be a better solution before your DS stops feeling comfortable in the ladies.

Take the comments here as a reason they can't fob you off, instead of as personal attacks. Also bring up the locker situation, I've been in pools where the family/ disabled rooms had 8 lockers in them (not great as you can't get your stuff out and use a different one while it's in use, so probably suggest just outside or at the poolside).

OldHag1 · 09/05/2018 11:16

Can you get him Changed in the accessible toilet or is this the same space as the changing room? Maybe at school before you arrive at the baths? I have often sorted my daughters at the poolside when they have their costumes underneath.

Why do you need to take him into the ladies to use the lockers? Can you keep the stuff with you or put it in a locker during his lesson?

I would be interested to know what swimming baths this is so I can google and see the layout to better understand.

I am guessing you are quite rural as you drive for an hour to use these swimming baths. Have you checked local secondary schools as they often rent out swimming pools to private tutors.

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 11:24

differentnameforthis - the op said he ant use a cubicle as he needs to lay down to get changed. Op son is also entitled to be in that space currently. If she’s that distressed then she can wait til he leaves or use a cubicle. Maybe the op don’t want Him to lay down next to the pool side to take his clothes off in front of everyone!

Yes the females will have to put up with it til he is 9.

Neither disability trumps each other’s here.

EscapistTendencies · 09/05/2018 11:28

I do wonder if these leisure centres would put more effort into providing accessable changing rooms if mothers started taking their 9+ boys (who need help) into the men's changing rooms. I don't see why it should always be women having their privacy invaded and perhaps if men were put out something would actually be done. I think upto 9 is fine but any older I would imagine young developing girls would be made to feel very uncomfortable with older boys around. Our local pool doesn't have any cubicles with doors, they're completely open.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/05/2018 11:57

@starfish2020 - could the pool provide a small, movable screen in the Ladies changing room, that you could use to make a semi-private area for your son to change in?

If they can't do that then I would go down the route of swimming trunks as his underwear on swimming lesson days, so you can just whip his clothes off poolside, and afterwards, when you don't have the time pressure, you can get him dressed in the accessible changing facilities.

In the nicest possible way, I do think you need to take a look at how you have come across on this thread and to see how it might put people's backs up. As others have said, the women in the changing room are not prancing around naked - they are just doing what they are perfectly entitled to do - stripping off to get into or out of their swimming gear. Calling it prancing (or prouncing) was unnecessarily aggressive. And saying anyone who has a problem can use the private cubicles in the way that you said it, did sound pretty entitled, I'm afraid.

I get that you are always feeling like you have to fight everyone, just to get your son the help that he needs, but not everyone is against you. If you had started a thread saying "My son has special needs, so I need to help him change before and after swimming, but there is only one accessible changing facility at the pool, and it's often in use in the short time slot I have, to get him ready. I've been taking him into the Ladies - he's under the cut-off age for our pool, so he's allowed in there, but he looks older, and some people have complained. We can't use the private cubicles, because they are too small - can anyone suggest any ways we can get round this - he needs to go swimming as his physio has recommended it, but we don't want to piss people off" - you might have got a better response.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 12:09

It's not healthy to wear swimming trunks as underwear all day. Not an issue to get changed an hour or so early but I wouldn't like to have him sitting in them all day as they arent breathable. He might also not wipe his bottom properly or he may not be fully continent. I don't think the going in is as big an issue anyway as that will be faster. I'm the way out he will need dried and might be more tired.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 12:13

I think it was fairly obvious that the Op was upset and venting. If that is how unaware some people are about detecting emotions and motivations and putting themselves in other people's shoes then it's clear why there is problem in the first place.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/05/2018 12:32

We have three changing rooms - male, female and family with disabled extra large facilities.

The facilities are great but we've still had a few older boys invading the female changing room as their mums don't want them in the family room? All those dodgy men come to perve on the children?

Idontdowindows · 09/05/2018 13:03

f that is how unaware some people are about detecting emotions and motivations

Even when venting it is unproductive and elicits exactly the responses the OP has received to blame a group that is doing nothing wrong, or using derogatory language about a group that is not actually the cause of the problem.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 13:07

Agree, but two wrongs don't make a right and sometimes people try to fight a fire with petrol.