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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 09/05/2018 08:40

I’m glad you’re feeling better today starfish.

I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is for you and your son to do things that a lot of us do so easily.

I think the reason you had so many people telling you that yabu yesterday was because of how your posts came across. It’s all too easy to be misunderstood when writing.

However, I still say that the women and girls in the changing room are allowed to feel uncomfortable and complain about your son. You yourself said that he looks 10/11, how are they supposed to know he’s younger.

In order for you to not get stressed / upset / angry, it is better for you to use the disabled changing room.

I agree that the pool management need to do a hell of a lot more re their changing facilities and I would be on at them a lot more, make a real nuisance of yourself! Name and shame them on here, I’m sure a few mumsnetters could help!

TeeBee · 09/05/2018 08:42

YABVU. Most people want privacy, that's why they use the female changing area. There's a lot more of them and fewer of you. You should be waiting for the disabled changing room. When my boys were too young to change in the male changing room, I took them in the family changing room and waited for a cubicle. You can't just dismiss everyone else's feelings because you have a challenging situation. That's just selfish. They have the right to change in privacy in the correctly allocated space.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 09/05/2018 08:44

The real issue is the lack of accessible facilities and that is absolutely not unreasonable. You should have to take your son into the female area. No one should be put in the position where they aren’t happy, not you, your son or the other girls and women.

This is a fight worth fighting. I’m glad you are writing to the leisure centre, but I’d also suggest taking it further.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 09/05/2018 08:46

Is it a private company or local authority OP?

putputput · 09/05/2018 08:54

Bloody hell - it's an 8 year old boy who has special needs, of course he should be allowed to be in the female changing room with his mum. Even the pool policy agrees.

Really poor of the pool not to have more disabled changing rooms. I take a girl swimming who has physical disabilities and it can take upward of 45 minutes to get her changed. Rubbish if you had to wait that long with no alternative.

umizoomi · 09/05/2018 08:54

@Ooohyeeaah

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 08:58

@TeeBee the op and her son has the right to use the women’s until he’s 9. He’s currently 8 so until he’s 9 it doesn’t matter how many women want him out of the changing rooms and she doesn’t have to wait for the disabled space when it eats into his lesson! So no she’s not being selfish at all.

Sirzy · 09/05/2018 08:59

Our local pool the only disabled “change” is the disabled toilet which adds the extra issue of if someone is getting changed and ds needs the toilet it could be a very long wait which really isn’t good!

Shedmicehugh1 · 09/05/2018 09:00

OP has already stated she cannot wait for the disabled facilities, due to timing slots for swimming. I can’t speak for the OP, however it’s quite common for children with disabilities not to be capable of waiting for too long for various reasons.

umizoomi · 09/05/2018 09:00

@Ooohyeeaah

Sorry posted too soon.

You take your 9 year old son in the ladies now, but what do you plan to do next year when he is 10 or when he is 12, 13 etc?

The OP has every right to use the ladies right now, they are the pool rules (although I am surprised the age limit is 9, I have only ever seen up to 8)

My DC go to swimming lessons at an old leisure centre with traditional male and female changing.

I really don't have an issue sending DS1 (10) into the men's and haven't since he was 8 as the only other people in there are other boys or dad's with their kids.

Andrewofgg · 09/05/2018 09:03

Starfish I hope I did not sound harsh.

The trouble is that management have to work with what is physically possible. My pool is a bench and locker affair with no room for cubicles. There is one disabled changing room which leads directly from the foyer to the pool but of course one user may have to wait for another; unlike yours it has two lockers. And there is nowhere to put a second room.

And I stand by my position: no adults or nine-or-ups in the “wrong” room. I have argued with a chap who wanted to bring two girls of eleven or twelve - daughter and niece, I think - through the men’s side. He said they’d mess about and waste time if they went alone on the other side. Too bad if they do.

The line that historically men have objectified women so in the last resort men must give up their privacy is fallacious. It’s not about men and women; it’s about individuals of either gender who are all entitled to privacy when in a state of undress.

ittakes2 · 09/05/2018 09:09

zzzzz - for a start I never said I was changing my son in the corridor. You have very strong opinions which you are entitled to, but please do not tell me how to raise my son. I am a very practial person and in my country it is normal for children to be changed under towels in public places - its nothing to do with SEN or NT. It is a lot quicker than fluffying around in a change room.

balsamicbarbara · 09/05/2018 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Todaythiswillbemyname · 09/05/2018 09:47

The pool is definitely at fault here for having inadequate facilities.

At our local pool there are family changing rooms (also disabled changing rooms) and yet I have seen one boy several times in the female changing room with his grandmother who cannot be younger than 10 (and no obvious disabilities) and certainly well over the 8 year old limit set by the pool. I'm one of those women who 'prounces around naked' and never uses a cubicle because I feel comfortable doing that under normal circumstances and the cubicles are way too small. I feel sorry for this boy, who can't possibly feel comfortable himself around a lot of exposed, wobbly flesh.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 09:50

Yes because it's easier if the child doesn't go to a swimming session where they get therapeutic benefit and goes and plays rugby instead....Hmm

crispysausagerolls · 09/05/2018 09:55

The thing is, OP's initial post and responses were rude and goady; and that's what I think rubbed people up the wrong way. Because actually OP, for the next 10 months or so you are doing nothing wrong. The leisure centre are aware of his age. If people want to glare passive aggressively and be arseholes, however unpleasant it is for you, that's their problem. You are doing nothing wrong. To be honest if his mental age is lower as well and he has special needs I think that's probably an exception and he should be allowed in there for a few more years if the leisure centre can't adequately provide facilities. Maybe if the women just asked you directly why he's in there rather than being snidey, they could fine out and understand! Most people would be happy to bend rules for someone who has needs, you just worded it poorly originally by suggesting they should FO in their own changing rooms.

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2018 10:12

So how about my daughter, who is 10, who also wouldn't fit in a private cubical with me? She is autistic, and severe sensory issues regarding clothing, and so needs me right next to her to get changed.

She would not be able to change in front of your son, it would cause a huge meltdown. We only just manage with females only while changing, and that's because I can convince her that they are exactly the same as her.

Idontdowindows · 09/05/2018 10:15

I will be writing an email to the centre again pointing out all this and the useless one disable facility they have.

I'm glad you're feeling better. If you need written/email support to the centre for better facilities, I'm sure many people here will be willing to contact the centre to help. Even from a distance people can stick their oar in and get the centre to take notice.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 09/05/2018 10:21

differentnameforthis
Why is it that you are not using a disabled facility with your daughter?
Not being rude just genuinely asking. Wouldn’t it be easier for both of you? Or use A private cubicle, as I presume she doesn’t need to lie down whilst being changed.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 09/05/2018 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 10:22

Different, that's where you have users with equal priority needs and where communication is required. If this was a weekly occurance that you and the OP were there then you'd have agree a compromise of one using the accessible facilities if available or taking turns to use the main facilities as fast as you can. Same goes for other people using the facilities within the rules. I'm sure most people would be happy to find a workable solution when asked.

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2018 10:24

Time is not something I can waste as he has swimming lesson at a particular time. That's solved by taking him in his bathers, then you can just take off his clothes poolside...after the lesson (therefore no time restraints) you wait for the assessable room to become free.

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2018 10:24

*accessible

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2018 10:26

Why is it that you are not using a disabled facility with your daughter? Because she is female and we don''t need to, because she can get changed in the female change room. And I need her to learn these things because the world won't fit for her.

Sleepyblueocean · 09/05/2018 10:27

"If it takes 45 minutes to get changed each way for swimming it's probably time to find a more enjoyable activity,"

How many physical activities do you think are available to someone who takes 45 minutes to get changed? Swimming is very beneficial for many different types of disability and is sometimes the only accessible exercise.

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