AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

I know, and have said that obviously it's ok if the rules say 9. But that if the child looks older, it's not exactly the women's fault if they think he is older!

I've only ever been to facilities where 8 is the cut off, and 9 does (Imo) seem pushing it.

The reason we tend to go in the disabled changing (even though ds isn't quite 8 yet) is because it seems unfair to ds to deal with changing nappies in front of anyone else.

ferntwist the pool doesn't offer free carer places because the owners limit how many people can be in the pool. A lot of people using it are disabled ( they have very well equipped changing rooms) so it would mean a lot of people not paying.

The local council pool only gives one free carer place and their one accessible changing room has no changing bed and is often used to store equipment/ pool staff belongings which you have to wait to be removed before you go in. Unless it is the disability session and then you have everyone fighting over one space.

Great post shotsfired

That comment was not directed at you hazy.

There are people on this thread that do the issues of women's rights no favours.

It would do some no harm to actually read the thread.

He's 8. Usually 8 and under use the changing rooms with a parent.

I agree if someone doesn't like it use the cubicles - I would!

But I think this is an ideal opportunity for you to work with - not against - these woman and petition management for more accessible or family change cubicles.

Does your son have an EHCP with physio needs?
Yes

Starfish sorry I missed your reply. You might well be able to get use of sensory pool or hydro pool, if you have any in your area

Shotsfired point 3 is not spot on. No-one in this situation is saying that women have to make more accommodation than men. Girls up to 9 are allowed in the male facilities and if men don't like that then they either have to suck it up or try to get it changed or go elsewhere or use a cubicle. Though ime there tend to be less cubicles in the male facilities.

OP has a young son with additional needs who cannot go into the male changing rooms due to the help he needs- likewise she can't go into the male changing room. There is one accessible changing room that is accessible others being too small to allow two people to feasibly change especially with a child who may (or may not) have any combination of sensory issues, difficulty sequencing tasks, fine and gross motor difficulties to be able to complete this task independently. OP knows her son and her clearly needs more assistance than her standing in the doorway and prompting/ verbal instruction. Son appears older than his chronological age and women changing in the changing area have a right to their privacy and to be naked if they wish...... but.... there is one accessible changing room, which is often in use so presumably OP's son would need to wait in the area for the cubicle to be come available. She can't win really. OP probably spends every day advocating, going into battle with services and negotiating for her son and the swimming pool changing room is probably just one on a long. I think we need to be saying that the swimming pool need to create more provision for disabled people not verbally bashing OP for her difficulties and also not taking away the rights of women who are changing in the communal change as why should women have to move into a cubicle or be made to feel uncomfortable. I think public facilities ABU anyone with me?

The ongoing expectation that all girls and women should simply budge up and shut up, and be the ones to make room for the lack of facilities as per #1 (see the bit mid thread when a pp was outraged at the idea that men should similarly accommodate females in their private space)

There was also outrage at male carers of females, using the female changing.

The pool rules state that boys can go in the women's changing room up until the age of 9.

The OP's ds is 8, so she is not at all unreasonable to take him into the women's changing rooms. If some women feel that 8 is too old, they can lobby the pool to change their rules. However, that is not the OP's problem.

The women who have complained are also being entire reasonable, because the OP has said that her DS looks about 11. They have no means of knowing that he is younger than he looks, and they may be unable to use the cubicles because they too need to assist young children or whatever. They may also have young girls who feel uncomfortable with an older boy in the room.

The real problem in this situation is not the OP or the women who have complained, but the lack of adequate changing facilities for disabled people and mixed sex family groups. It is all very well saying that the OP should wait for the disabled changing room, but why should she have to wait much longer than everyone else just because of her son's disability? And what the hell is she supposed to do when he gets to 9 and isn't allowed in the women's changing room any more?

The pool is at fault here for not providing adequate facilities for all its users. It's actually really good if people complain about the OP's DS in the women's changing rooms, because it will all add to the pressure to get better facilities in place. The OP should continue to complain too. Hopefully, they might actually do something about it before her son's 9th birthday. In the meantime, she has every right to continue to use the women's changing room with her son.

If there is a disabled changing area there IS provision for the OP

After a child is 8, he either needs to to go in the Male changing room, or in this case he absolutely goes into the disabled cubicle.

It is absolutely unfair on him AND the women and girls who are entitled to use the changing area to have him changing in open space.

It’s absolutely not on that more and more reasons are found for female spaces to be compromised.

If there is inadequate space for those with additional needs, fine, but that’s what needs resolving, not further encroachment on female spaces.

zzzz of course not! Our local pool has unisex family changing. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to go swimming. My son is 14 and would not want to use the female changing.

I don’t know if OP’s son will ever get to this stage.

@Hissy I think the fact that there is only one is poor tbh. As someone pointed out there needs to be provisions for male carer/female person and female carer/male person. So the sports centre is at fault for not ensuring that there is more than a token effort to be inclusive.

After a child is 8, he either needs to to go in the Male changing room, or in this case he absolutely goes into the disabled cubicle.

No, the rule at this pool is 9. The OP's son is 8.

Personally, I think 9 is a little old, but that's the rule, so the OP has every right to be there.

"If there is a disabled changing area there IS provision for the OP"

If people with disabilities are having to wait longer to get changed than those without, the facilities are not adequate.
And yes there absolutely needs to be facilities for male/ female disabled person and carer combinations. If a changing room or toilet is within a single sex facility then it is not accessible and businesses should not be allowed to claim that it is.

Sadly too often (and not just at pools) disabled provision is simply a tick box “aren’t we good” exercise rather than actually being something practical and useful!

It's shit op. But I agree with shots fired. Ask the facility to help you put up a petition in the male and female change, asking for more suitable changing rooms for carers? I'm sure you'll see more support for that from your fellow bathers.

It’s quite sad that women cannot campaign together, if you are a woman and have a male who is disabled, it’s ‘your problem’ attitude sucks!

I'm against male and female changing rooms in pools. Where I live in Scotland, every public pool in my county has unisex changing rooms. They are 100% cubicles with plenty of larger family cubicles. Male, female, trans, disabled, family groups all accommodated. OP is NU, poor facilities are the problem here.

i think its so sad that there is only one option here for disabled people.
its easy to say use the disabled changing, wait if you have too. \poor op and her son could be waiting a long time.
i used to pick a certain pool when taking dc swimming, it meant going to a pool miles away(ignoring the local ones with not good disabled facilities) at this one you got the key and could use the room for your entire "stay" and also take the wheelchair right up to pool.
my now adult dd goes to a swimming club for sn. much better as everyone is in same boat. sadly people with sn have to travel further or go at certain times. should be better.

Another thing just occurred to me.
On the odd occasion we got to use the disabled change room I still had to go to the female change to put our stuff in the locker and off course I have to bring him with me.
Also the place where the disabled room is located is by the main corridor and floor is always dirty and crowded with people going to the gym. There is no easy access to the pool from there and no locker facilities.
After sleeping on it I actually do feel different now.
I was slightly pissed off last night, but I do realise how I came across entitled. I really am not, believe me.
I will be writing an email to the centre again pointing out all this and the useless one disable facility they have.
Thanks