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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 09/05/2018 03:18

what was your reason for drawing our attention to boys with SN possible interest in female bodies?

Please see previous post.

SD1978 · 09/05/2018 03:34

If the change room can accomodate a wheelchair and no doubt another person to assist the wheelchair user- I fail to see how it’s not big enough for you and a child. I understand that he’s not old enough to change independently, and I agree with your point. My usual issue with older boys on the female change room isn’t me seeing them baked, but then seeing other adults and female children naked- I’m sorry, but it’s nit fair. Why should myself and my daughter, be looked at by an older male child, because you and your child trumps the right of every other user of the change room?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 04:46

I suggested (once your ds is 9) sending your ds to School in swim trunks and getting him undressed poolside then using the disabled after. Another poster has too. Others have said about changing him at school. I see your ds has to change on the floor. Are these not good suggestions.

ferntwist · 09/05/2018 05:23

YABU. You can use the disabled changing/toilet, that’s what it’s there for. If there’s a short wait you can factor that in. It’s not fair to take this attitude to everyone else.

ferntwist · 09/05/2018 05:24

The disabled toilet and/or changing room will be plenty big enough. I used to use them with my granny all the time.

IceBearRocks · 09/05/2018 05:25

Jeez...OP has a disabled child.... Nothing is going to be simple ! My gym has a no under 7s rule !!!! I have taken him in and announced our arrival, politely asked for a corner and discreetly changed him. My DS is so very cute though he draws lots of attention!
It's nice if people to say ...poor you...it's shouldn't be like this.etc etc... But it is and the OP just needs to accept that you're living in a world designed for abled bodies with someone who isn't. The pool have made reasonable adjustments by having a disabled space. It's all about finding the most suitable pool, with better facilities.
In this instance and cancel the lesson and find better pool, out DS on the waiting list and take him myself to swim and get the exercise he needs.
OP has 10 months to sort it out .... Hopefully she can in that time !!!!

But ..... Don't pity me or my circumstances...man that's soooooo irritating..my DS is awesome, beautiful and funny and if I took away all his disabilities then he'd be a different kid.. and I love my kid not a different one.dispite being awake with him since 3:15 in seizure watch with a fever of 40.3 degrees🙄

shakingmyhead1 · 09/05/2018 05:52

dont debate it... just say hes self identified as a female and as such has the right to use the female changing area and any further discussion is discrimination!! use the rules against them.

hazeyjane · 09/05/2018 06:10

I don't know about the op's son, but I know my ds would not be able to wear speedos/trunks under uniform, because he has to wear a swim nappy and this would not contain an accident out of the pool, so he needs to be changed into it at the pool. Hence the need (in our case) for a private changing space, I do not think it is fair on him (or others) to provide intimate care in front of everybody.

Icebearrocks - Brew hope your ds is ok

Sleepyblueocean · 09/05/2018 06:22

ferntwist if you mean the disabled toilet outside of the changing room that may not be big enough because the op needs to lie her son down.
The most unfair thing is the lack of enough appropriate facilities for people with disabilities and their parents or carers.
Local children of my son's age without disabilities pay about £4 to go swimming 15 mins away. We pay £18 ( because he needs 2:1 support from us) and have to travel a hour.

Sirzy · 09/05/2018 06:30

Swimming pools do seem to be way behind the times with their disabled facilities.

For many reasons I have now given up taking ds to the public swimming pools, we hire a local hydrotherapy pool (thankfully they have some cheaper sessions!) meaning we get the pool to ourselves and he can easily get changed in a dignified environment!

ferntwist · 09/05/2018 06:34

Sleepy that’s not fair, as carers you should get in free with your son.

hazeyjane · 09/05/2018 06:39

I think there is confusion with 'cubicles' the disabled cubicle should be big enough, but is always occupied and the 'private cubicles' in the changing room, which are too small.

It isn't fair, and it is shit that often the disabled facilities are either not suitable (the disabled changing at our pool is always soaking wet all over the floor, and is also the toilet - meaning lying down is very difficult and pretty disgusting!) or occupied because there are too few. I think what riled me about your op was the attitude that women and girls would just suck it up. I know your son is allowed in the changing rooms until 9, but if my dad had been changing in there and thought he was older (as you say he looks), they may have said 'oi mum, there was a boy if my age in the ladies changing rooms and I would have a word with the people on the desk.....not because I or they are 'prouncing around but naked' but because they are going through puberty and are naturally self conscious. I try and teach my son that he can't just barge into their room, or try to get in the bathroom when they are in there, because they deserve their privacy. I also try to treat my son with respect because even though he still needs changing and cleaning up like a much younger child, he is not. So yes, your son is allowed in the changing rooms, but if someone mistakes him for older, then they have every right to ask the question. But, yes, it is crap that disabled access is what it is. And crap also that the limited disabled access is also often squeezed by baby changing facilities, people with buggies and (as I've seen suggested by some) as a third space for trans people.

Sirzy · 09/05/2018 06:43

fernt that will depend on the policy of the individual place. There is nothing to say carers have to have free access (is there?) thankfully lots of places realise how much this helps though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 06:51

hazeyjane
Im probably telling you stuff you know but you can get special needs changing mats. Idk if they’re any good for the amount of water you’re talking about. www.cheapdisabilityaids.co.uk/special-needs-disabled-changing-mat-162-p.asp or on eBay etc.

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 09/05/2018 06:54

"where did I saw that a male with SN’s sexuality is of “special concern"

She didn't. The point is that this development (ie puberty) happens eventually to all males! And to expect women to be fine with a boy that looks 10/11 in the changing room is ridiculous

RainbowFairiesHaveNoPlot · 09/05/2018 06:54

No issues with the ops son. Every issue with the op being negative and judgemental toward women being naked in a swimming changing room. And there was a hell of a lot of that in the op with a nice undercurrent of body shaming in how dare they not be trying to change "modestly" under a towel.

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 09/05/2018 06:56

The twisting of words here Confused it's obvious isn't it, the PP was making the point that just because he has SN doesn't mean he necessarily won't go through puberty. And even if so, that's only part of the issue.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 09/05/2018 07:00

Your son doesn’t trump my daughter in the female changing room, sorry.

zzzzz · 09/05/2018 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/05/2018 07:07

The OPs son can look any age he likes. He is under 9 and the rules at this facility are that he is allowed to be there. Once again, the Op does not need to wait for the accessible facility at the moment as the changing room is fine. The OP doesn't care whether the women are naked or not. The women were complaining that he was there and they were naked.

ShotsFired · 09/05/2018 07:16

The thing is, this is not really about OP's son. It is about the overall situation:

1. First and foremost, that there are not enough family/disabled/extra needs sized cubicles available in (usually older) leisure facilities up and down the land.
2. There has to be a line drawn somewhere for the purposes of safeguarding, privacy and dignity for ALL USERS - it seems to generally be between 7-9 for accompanied children in opposite sex changing rooms. It doesn't work if it is done subjectively on a case by case basis.
3. The ongoing expectation that all girls and women should simply budge up and shut up, and be the ones to make room for the lack of facilities as per #1 (see the bit mid thread when a pp was outraged at the idea that men should similarly accommodate females in their private space)

OP, instead of just being antagonistic towards the women in the changing room/here (who would almost certainly support you if you were a little less hostile), focus your energies more on working towards an actual solution for when he turns 9.

For example:

  • Write to the CEO of the facility/chain;
  • Get your MP involved;
  • Speak to any charities which deal with your son's particular disability for support;
  • Start a petition...

Offer ideas (such as converting smaller cubicles, making it all into one big changing village, having specific swim sessions where changing will be advertised as mixed etc).

nolongersurprised · 09/05/2018 07:17

why is the child (?) sexual development more relevant than anyone elses’

zzzzz because, as I mentioned upthread, girls physically mature before boys, generally. While 8-9 years (and beyond) boys may still be considered young to their parents, they won’t be to their female classmates, many of whom will be developing breasts and hair.

Like I said, I personally couldn’t care in the slightest who sees me naked but my daughters do care.

Smeddum · 09/05/2018 07:17

@ShotsFired you’ve got it spot on

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