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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 23:37

"safe space" so what exactly do you think an 8 year boy is going to do to make a space (that he is perfectly entitled to be in) unsafe?

And why shouldn't we as a society prioritise children of either sex?

Slanetylor · 08/05/2018 23:37

Yes the OPs opening post did no favors for her argument.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 23:37

It’s a female changing room that allows boys up to age 9 to come in
Hence if that’s the norm if you don’t want to be naked in front of those boys it’s natural to presume you will use a cubicle and not walk around naked like you are at home

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 23:38

@MirriVan

You did. You certainly implied it.

I think I'm sick of women being expected to care more about other people's male children than their own right

This one mother of a disabled child and the minority of people supporting her has prompted you to become "sick" of something?

The phrase "I'm sick of" implies a reoccurring problem that this is just the latest example of.

Pandoraphile · 08/05/2018 23:39

The real crux of the issue here is that the OP has 'no idea' what she's going to do when he turns 9. Well, the situation isn't going to magically become perfect so in less than 12 months (assuming he's had his 8th birthday) you are STILL going to be dealing with the circumstances you are now. So what will you do?

I understand your point completely, but it's just not on to say women should hide away in the women only changing room because you're determined to take your son in there.

I'm really intrigued as to your future plans for him to continue swimming there.

Flutist · 08/05/2018 23:41

So Flutist what do you suggest that single Dads do with their small under 9 girls who need assistance
Under 9 they're classed as children according to the swimming pool's policy and therefore would be allowed in the gents. Over 9 they would have to go in the ladies, or in a family or disabled changing room.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 23:42

@MirriVan

Also you used a broad context for a specific problem.

What your post should have said (if there was no broader context or wider implication) is-

I am sick of this OP and the other 2/3 posters who are saying they take their young male children into the female changing rooms

Hope that helps.

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 23:44

@MirriVan

As I have clearly explained it was the only inference that could be made.

PurpleCrowbar · 08/05/2018 23:45

OP - I agree with your post of 23.37.

If I swam at your pool, there'd be 8yo boys in the female changing rooms. My choice to get changed in front of them, duck into a cubicle or go elsewhere. (FWIW it wouldn't bother me at all to have them there).

You need a strategy for next year when this won't be OK at that pool. You've already said you accept this.

So I'm not getting what the issue is...?

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 23:45

Flutist but you've said that no girl should have to look at grown mens' willies so now I'm confused.

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 23:48

I honestly don’t know what I will do when he turns 9
But I will not be breaking the pool rules and bring him in the female change.
My AIBU is should I find alternative now as to not “upset” ladies that are bothered by it
Or should they accept the fact boys up to age 9 are allowed and they have the choice to cover up or use the cubicle

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 23:49

The ignorant, the overbearing, the militant and the just genuinely stupid. I've never seen so many on one thread. I'm not naming any names, you can sort yourselves into the most appropriate category. No doubt be banned now but I'm too tired to care. Night OP (and the sensible pragmatic others), I hope you get something sorted.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 23:49

@MirriVan

Yeah actually I do.

What are we counting here? People who take their children in within the rules or people who take children in who are older than the rules allow?

You can copy/paste either or I suppose. Are you are for a strict "no males of any age" stance?

Slanetylor · 08/05/2018 23:50

The issue is.

“although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them”

People who don’t like the OPs boy who looks 10/11 ( not ALL 8 year olds, just this boy who looks older) should be prepared for his arrival at all times and use a cubical. Even if they cannot fit in one with a young girl.

ThreeJoeys · 08/05/2018 23:52

Just like OP tbh I was mad reading your OP because it sounded so rude and entitled but now I just feel sad. Good luck to you, hope the management sorts it out ASAP.

mousecar · 08/05/2018 23:53

We're talking about a disabled child here - this is not about women's 'safe spaces' - there's no reason at all to think he's going to make anyone unsafe. there are proper issues around this at the moment and starting on disabled children really undermines the argument. If people don't want to be seen by children they can use cubicles - I would. And there's no 'right' to 'prounce' about naked - it's a choice you can make if you want to. If you don't want to because of a disabled child then obviously don't. That's not what womens spaces are about either.

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 23:53

OP, I'd continue to ask the pool what accommodations can be made but if none are yet available you must continue to do as you are and work within the rules but also you'll need to grow a thick skin as complaints will be made as some people will genuinely believe that your son is older. Presumably you may find that it will be the same people that are using the facilities at the same time as people have their routines so this may lessen as people choose what they want to do if they have flexibility to change pools or times. At the moment you can't do that.

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 23:53

Tessliketrees I don’t think it’s necessarily about changing facilities, lovely idea, however impossible to meet each individual need.

More about listening and adapting to what that person wants/needs. Compromise and middle agreeable ground. ‘Rights’ are one thing, taking note and listening quite a different thing at times.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 08/05/2018 23:54

YANBU your son is still a child. When people complain they should complain to the facility for not having enough disabled changing space.
If people did that instead of trying to challenge you they may end up with a more positive result. It is not your fault that the facility does not have adequate space for you and your son. Your son NEEDS a carer to help him and that carer is female so you cant be in the mens. There should be more than 1 disabled changing room and there should be some larger private cubicles in both the mens and womens changing rooms for people who need a carer in with them. This is what people should be complaining about.... not picking on a mum trying to take her son with disabilities swimming

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 23:58

@MirriVan

Not that many were there? Never mind.

To be fair I was being entirely genuine when I asked the question. I was curious to know if this thread fit into a wider context I was unaware of. Not least because then I may understand some of the anger.

As it was you just chose your words poorly, perhaps to justify your previous posts (I dunno, I am unsure what you wrote but I can make an informed guess).

It's all good.

Flutist · 09/05/2018 00:05

Flutist but you've said that no girl should have to look at grown mens' willies so now I'm confused
I'd prefer my female child to be changed either in a family changing room with her dad or in a cubicle in the gents. I would not find it appropriate for a girl of 8-9 to see naked men in an open changing room. TBH at that age it's borderline whether it's even appropriate to see her own dad naked.