AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

FFS. The space is intended for women, girls and female accompanied male children up to age 9. It's not about women's rights. The male facilities are for men, boys and male accompanied female children up to age 9. It's entirely equal and fair.

My dh wraps the girls in big towels and waits for the one family room to be free. It can take a while. Pools do need more facilities.

Its actually an interesting point purple if OPs son felt more comfortable changing in the men’s changing room, then why shouldn’t mum go in there?

Point was raised earlier about men going into the women’s to help a dd, that seemed even more unacceptable!

A middle ground needed!

When I first posted this I was feeling mad, than some replies made me feel defensive and now I just feel sad

Again we need more facilities. It’s difficukt for me to persuade my dd that she is not to be naked in front of boys. She finds exceptions difficult so boys in the women’s changing room can be very difficult for her to understand. There’s no private cubicles in our pool, just one family room.

Its actually an interesting point purple if OPs son felt more comfortable changing in the men’s changing room, then why shouldn’t mum go in there?

Because it's against the rules. Or are you suggesting the rules are wrong? That changing rooms should be open to carers of either sex depending on where the cared for person wants to change?

More family changing rooms are needed. That’s for sure

star you aren't doing anything wrong and I think the people who spoke to the management probably didn't think they were in the wrong either. It's not a good situation really and even through the defensive posts it was obvious that you were frustrated and upset.

You shouldn't let this get to you. I hope your son is benefiting from his swimming and you are a good mum to him. Don't let this spoil that.

Exactly!

@MirriVan

I think I'm sick of women being expected to care more about other people's male children than their own rights

Sorry Mirri I didn't @ you. Genuinely curious about what you mean by this?

@Shedmicehugh1

I think when the whole point is the entitlement of a pre-pubescent disabled child "invading" womens space throwing open the door to any number of adult men is probably not the best solution.

That changing rooms should be open to carers of either sex depending on where the cared for person wants to change?

That’s exactly what I’m suggesting! Well to a point, the disabled person has a say! It’s not just something that’s done to them!

If male doesn’t want to change in female and vice versa. It’s not YOUR choice!! It’s THEIRS! So find an alternative if it’s against the ‘rules’!

All those people saying if you're not happy with a boy who looks 10/11 go in a cubicle. Apart from the problems pp have described with fitting in there if with younger children how are you supposed to know OP is going to rock up? Surely it's more likely they will walk in when you're minding your business semi / fully naked when it's too late to make that choice.

Yes, OP is perfectly entitled to use the women's changing whilst her son is 8, but given several people have complained and the staff have felt them genuinely uncomfortable enough to talk to OP (rather than say sorry, he's 8, we're happy, end of) then surely it would be more appropriate and considerate for op to take her boy to the manager of the centre and insist somewhere more suitable be found to change than continue making women and girls uncomfortable in their safe space.

Or as pp have suggested do the onesie poolside change.

Nope nope nope
Use family or disabled changing room if he has SN
Otherwise boys should go to Male changing room
They are not more important than females' right to privacy

As for suggesting the women should go to the private cubicles in the WOMENS changing room if they feel uncomfortable around your boy OP... ODFOD with your entitled attitude

Yeah the pool needs more family/disabled changing rooms. I understand though as the parent of a disabled child sometimes you don't have the energy to fight every battle

People have really strange attitudes to nudity sometimes. As I've said, I would always use a cubicle as that's just how I feel. I feel more judged from women than men and always have (although I have to say here I am an entirely normal looking person!). I have no issue with being naked in front of DH and DSs when they were small though. I accept that others aren't me though :)

@MirriVan

What are you talking about though? Besides this specific thread I have literally no idea what you may be referencing and made it sound as if it were some sort of ongoing crisis.

Do you mean "children" as in offspring (thus encompassing adult males)??

I am honestly baffled.

@MiniMum97 - my ds is 14. He absolutely still can't be relied on to exit a changing room with anything resembling the same clothes he went in with.

He's on his school's register as both G&T & as having complex needs.

I think we'd all agree he doesn't get a pass to get changed with me in a communal female change, right? & that's been the case since he was 8.

It's got better - at 7 he would not have been able to cope at all. At 14 (& probably into adulthood) he needs a private space away from everyone else & a checklist on his phone. Plus everyone accepting that he's going to take noticeably longer than everyone else.

My reasonable adjustment is that he gets let off kit detentions for school PE/swimming & I buy him a lot more pants & socks than I'd choose to. (& lots of other adjustments, but since we're talking about changing rooms...)

There absolutely needs to be better provision for disabled changing for anyone of any age who can't independently manage the whole 'clothes off, kit on, activity, kit off, clothes on' business. But past the pool's cut off age, that adjustment is NOT reasonably 'budge up ladies, X needs to get changed with his mum'.

& I totally accept that OP's ds evidently, from her posts, needs considerably more support than mine!

Just that the solution to 'boy with additional changing needs' CANNOT, long term, be 'oh that's mum's job, off to the ladies' change with you both'. Undignified & inappropriate.

Wow thanks grumpysquirel

@Shedmicehugh1

I suppose if all carers/cared for did this it may bring about the needed facilities in a more timely manor.

I have always admired the (under reported) direct action of disability rights groups.

Bangs head on table........ :(

Oh yeah and I know there is a thread like this a week but the OP's tone in first post really got to me. Everyone knows swimming pools need more accessible changing areas
FWIW I thought the age limit was 7.

@starfish2020 "Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them"

This is pretty goady language. It's the female changing room.