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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 22:00

Why should women be made to feel uncomfortable in the women's changing room? The clue is sort of in the name. The point being they have other options such as to use the cubicle, they chose not to.

I am quite a private person so I would use the cubicle regardless but would feel no further embarrassment with it being a small boy than it being an adult woman but understand we are all different. And the girls don't have to suck it up, they can also use the cubicles unless there is an equally valid reason not to.

FASH84 · 08/05/2018 22:00

You haven't made it clear why using a regular cubicle but giving everyone including your son more privacy isn't possible you just say you can't. To most people that seems like a won't rather than a can't, you also don't address the alternatives PPs have suggested in terms of solutions their leisure centres have come up with. You didn't get off on the right foot by the the unhelpful and rude way you described the women and girls who are as entitled to be in that changing room as you and your 8 year old son, who you have acknowledged looks older than that, which may make some uncomfortable. Because you don't seem willing to discuss other options or the longer term plan given the pool policy, you just come across as defensive. What was your post actually seeking other than a platform to complain about women who have said they are uncomfortable changing themselves and presumably their female children in front of someone who appears to be an 11 year old boy? You seem to have come on here looking for an argument and that seems really quite a shame as there are lots of people wanting to be helpful.

TheSconeOfStone · 08/05/2018 22:00

FranticallyPeaceful as I said my 10 year autistic daughter gets uncomfortable being stared at by boys in changing rooms, so do I as it happens. Nothing to do with sex FFS.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 22:01

Scone
I’m so sorry your daughter has to miss out
I have to take him swimming as he is muscle tone issues and needs it as per physio recommendation
It’s just so bloody hard to find a suitable place and understanding people

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 08/05/2018 22:02

@TheSconeOfStone so would I. I have a 11 and 7 year old and neither of them would DREAM of staring as they’ve been raised decently. For fuck sake, nobody likes being stared at, lets stop pretending young boys are predators.

Flutist · 08/05/2018 22:03

If I was uncomfortable with a boy I would use the private cubicle.
Getting changed in a cubicle doesn't prevent them seeing your DS naked when they come out though. And what if the cubicles are full? Why should they have to wait but you don't have to?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/05/2018 22:03

Starfish If it’s a local authority pool contact your councillor, complain about lack of adequate provision

Slanetylor · 08/05/2018 22:04

My asd dd has no concept of privacy at all and will opening swing her vagina in someone’s face. I hope it changes before she gets older but she’s quite vulnerable. She loves to swim as she can’t do other sports. She sometimes takes her and allows her to change by herself in the women’s change room. Trusting that there are only women in there.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 22:05

I cover my son when I change him.
He is not exposed
As for cubicles, they are tiny and he can not lie down on the bench as there is not enough room. Ok?

OP posts:
Sleepyblueocean · 08/05/2018 22:06

We now travel 1hr to take ds swimming partly because you can book the use of a suitable changing room at that pool.

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 22:07

mirri it’s been an interesting discussion, I can see both sides. I’m a woman! And I have a disabled son!

I think on occasion there is no ‘trumps’ just humanity, equality and tolerance.

We could argue that a female could not use that space due to a male being present or we could argue unless allowed that male wouldn’t have the same rights as the female!

At what age shouldn’t a male be allowed? You obviously wouldn’t expect a 2 year old male to be in the male changing room?

As I’ve stated previously I think the OP does need to find another solution, as her son gets older.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 22:07

@WaxOnFeckOff

I think the point of the post was really to let off steam

Completely unacceptable and entitled behaviour, nobody in the history of Mumsnet has used AIBU for such a purpose. OP clearly thinks her child is special and above the needs of the messageboard.

Or something.

Did you mean to be so rude?

rainingcatsanddog · 08/05/2018 22:08

@FranticallyPeaceful

People don't think that 8 year old boys want sex. They think that they should be independent enough to get changed without a parent. (I know that this isn't the OP's case but I'm referring to NT kids) They can also sympathise with why an 8 year old girl might not want to share a space with a boy the same age.)

8 year old girls are perfectly reasonable not to want to share a changing room with a boy the same age. It's not unheard of for them to wear a bar, have periods etc which requires privacy. They will be in different changing rooms for school PE so are reasonable to want to be in different changing rooms out of school too.

The problem is also that kids stare. Can you honestly say that as an 8 year old, you'd be happy to go to school and listen to a boy tell people that your mum is hairy or that you have underarm hair and a pink bra? (Girls are equally likely to do the reverse if they were in the mens btw)

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 22:08

We now travel 1hr to take ds swimming partly because you can book the use of a suitable changing room at that pool.
id happily do that too. Just gonna have to keep looking I guess

OP posts:
FuckingHateRain · 08/05/2018 22:09

OP you won't get empathy here from many. Thankfully RL is a more considerate place than Aibu. Hopefully the complaints you got in the place were from the minority, you will definitely come across kinder people in the future ! Put this aside, notify management so that they are aware and keep on doing what you think it's best for your boy
Good luck

rainingcatsanddog · 08/05/2018 22:10

I think that the OP's experience is compounded by the fact that her son looks older. (She says 10 or 11) My 11 year old is at secondary school so miles past not needing privacy.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 22:10

Completely unacceptable and entitled behaviour, nobody in the history of Mumsnet has used AIBU for such a purpose. OP clearly thinks her child is special and above the needs of the messageboard.

Hmm
OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 22:12

@starfish2020

I hope you realise I am being sarcastic.

It's a damning indictment of the reactions you have had and general twattery of the posters on here if you actually misread my tone.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 22:12

Believe me I have approached this subject many a times with management. They keep promising but not delivering

OP posts:
IceBearRocks · 08/05/2018 22:14

Tesslikestrees..... I need to respect my son's privacy too. He wears pads and when he was younger I'd change him Infront of people. Now I take him to his bedroom.
The life of a disabled child mum is very different ..... I also have a 10 year old with ASD...He struggles to dress and is very distracted .... Behaves younger than av10 year old ... We wait !!!!

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 22:14

Tessliketrees
Yes hence the Hmm
Thinking did I get it wrong or......
But thanks Smile

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 22:14

Tessliketrees Confused. am I missing something?

I get that the OP is frustrated and upset and I'm with her, I wasn't being horrible. We all need to let off steam sometimes.

Flutist · 08/05/2018 22:15

I do feel on verge of tears and just so frustrated that it’s always our problem and not anyone else’s.
I have a family member (not my DC) with SN. It is difficult. Unfortunately you've hit the nail on the head - it is your problem and not anyone else's. Inclusion is about helping disabled people to do the same as others, but it shouldn't be about causing difficulties for others in the process. Hence why the Equalities Act talks about "reasonable adjustments" - it isn't reasonable if the adjustment includes the disabled person but excludes or inconveniences others.

FuckingHateRain · 08/05/2018 22:15

It's ok , good you told them, you can tell us approximately where abouts you are , I ll have a look for a more appropriate/bigger place . In the meantime don't let this shit spoil yours and you boy's experience

starwishing · 08/05/2018 22:15

Haven't rtft but where we go I have to leave my 3yo screaming with his dad to get changed because of complaints that he was in the female changing rooms and the policy is only for babies to be taken into same sex facilities. We try as much as possible to take a cubicle if there's one empty and I sneak him in. Luckily he's tiny so we can still manage but I won't forever.

You're doing a fab job and just need to ignore the haters. If the disabled one is empty I'd say you can use it but if not he's only eight and I'm sure never far from you.