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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 21:42

You clearly only wanted people to agree with you OP as evident by your post at 21:38:27. So I'm not even sure why you posted at all tbh.

FASH84 · 08/05/2018 21:44

I still don't understand why you can't use a regular cubicle with the door open, if you stand in the door way you can help him change, block his view and stop any girls his age seeing him too so he also gets more privacy. If you are essentially standing outside the cubicle leaning in , and these cubicles are big enough for an adult to change in the would be space but even this is only a temporary fix until he turns nice because of the pool policy. The pool need to offer him somewhere else to change our monitor the accessible changing room to make sure it is being used by those who need it, not able adults who want more space.

FASH84 · 08/05/2018 21:44

*9 not nice, I'm sure he's nice already

BamBamIsALittleShit · 08/05/2018 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 21:46

Clearly there are some confused people on here

I tried to think about how best to put this! So here it is

Yes my boy is 8 and looks older but acts younger.
Yes he is allowed in female changing room. Until he is 9 so another 10 months.
Yes some women did complain. I simply said if it bothers them they have the option of using the private cubicle.
He is there and not breaking any rules. If I was uncomfortable with a boy I would use the private cubicle.
No I can NOT use the cubicle, I don’t have to go into details but it’s just not possible.
If disabled change room is free than yes we do use it even though we than get complaints about that as well.
Can’t win no matter what.
I suppose I expected some more understanding but clearly MN is not the right place for that lol

OP posts:
OreoMini · 08/05/2018 21:46

@BamBamIsALittleShit - no she is not the problem. Her son is entitled to be in there til he is 9! If they don’t like it then it’s there problem!

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 21:48

OP you're ridiculous. If everyone feels uncomfortable in the presence of your child then YOU are the problem.

Clearly that’s it. How didn’t I see this sooner?! Thanks

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 21:48

OP you're ridiculous. If everyone feels uncomfortable in the presence of your child then YOU are the problem.

Really?!
What about someone with a visible disability that makes people uncomfortable? What about someone with scars? a birthmark? Tourettes? Lots of things can make other people uncomfortable, such is life, are you suggesting they are the problem?

Singlebutmarried · 08/05/2018 21:49

I think it depends really, the complainant must have thought the lad was older than he was.

If part of his SEN (sorry if not PC) are staring then perhaps they felt very uncomfortable, especially if the one (or is it five) private cubicle(s) were already in use.

The pool/gym thing I go to has only one disabled cubicle, and only one cubicle in the female changing room. It’s usually heaving so handed of getting in the cubicle are slim (not sure about the disabled)

So dependant in set up maybe there can be a room provisioned for you and your son if the disabled is in use.

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 21:49

Starfish I think you have got some understanding and some suggestions.

ShotsFired · 08/05/2018 21:50

So what was the actual point of your post then @starfish2020? If you are within the rules now (and quite happy to ignore them in future it seems) what's the aibu?

Just playing at goady drama-llama and spoiling for a fight, it seems Hmm

OreoMini · 08/05/2018 21:50

@starfish2020 - That’s ok Smile I hope your son enjoys his lessons

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 21:53

Yes, definitely some understanding and the suggestion of being ready in costume under clothes etc is a good one if it can be managed. However, I wouldn't be taking a child home in wet clothes even under a onesie or similar unless I lived next door to the pool. It's not nice or healthy to be sitting about in wet swimwear.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 21:53

Starfish I think you have got some understanding and some suggestions.

Yes, you are right, I did and many thanks to everyone who replied like that.
I do feel on verge of tears and just so frustrated that it’s always our problem and not anyone else’s.
:(

OP posts:
BamBamIsALittleShit · 08/05/2018 21:54

I'm saying that you should use that disabled changing room you have some kind of aversion to. Why should women be made to feel uncomfortable in the women's changing room? The clue is sort of in the name.

I appreciate I couldve worded my previous post more sensitively and I apologise.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 21:56

I'm saying that you should use that disabled changing room you have some kind of aversion to

Are you going to apologise for this snark too considering OP has addressed this multiple times?

TheSconeOfStone · 08/05/2018 21:56

My DD aged 10 has ASD and gets really self conscious when changing, with older boys around it is unbearable. She looks 12 and is going through puberty. The cubicles are always in use so we have to faff around with her changing under a towel. She gets in a frustrated pickle and it’s really stressful. I guess she should just deal with it so that the boys can be catered for.

OreoMini · 08/05/2018 21:56

@starfish2020 - until your son is 9 it’s not your problem Smile

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 21:56

I think the point of the post was really to let off steam and also to ask, rather than complain about lack of privacy, why don't people use the private cubicles. Some people have given reasons why they prefer not to. That's fine. But OP also has reasons why she can't change what she is doing so on that basis as she and her son are not breaking any rules then SINBU

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/05/2018 21:57

WHY WOULD A YOUNG BOY MAKE ANYBODY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

Absolute weirdos if you see a young boy and think ah! Sex! He might want sex! What if he looks at me?!

Grow up and get help!

BamBamIsALittleShit · 08/05/2018 21:57

No, I'm not sorry for that part.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 21:57

So what was the actual point of your post then @starfish2020*? If you are within the rules now (and quite happy to ignore them in future it seems) what's the aibu?

Just playing at goady drama-llama and spoiling for a fight, it seems hmm*

Yes that’s me a drama llama coz my life is just so sad it seems (not)
You couldn’t be more wrong of you tried by the way

My point is
Should I stop taking him in the female change (even though he has every right to be there) for the sake of people who are uncomfortable (and able to use private cubicles)
And I never said I’d take him in when he is 9. Where did you get that idea from?!

OP posts:
TheSconeOfStone · 08/05/2018 21:58

Sadly my DD misses out on lots of things because of the ASD. Swimming lessons is one of them as she can’t cope with being in a group.

Sleepyblueocean · 08/05/2018 22:00

Until he is 9 there is no issue. When he is 9 you will have to find an alternative, possibly arranging to 'share' use of the accessible room.

"it drives me mad when places put a disabled toilet within the ladies' and men's toilets"

Me to. I complain whenever I see that.